Love on the Brain

HERE’S MY FAVORITE piece of trivia in the whole world: Dr. Marie Skłodowska-Curie and Dr. Bee Königswasser-Ward showed up to their wedding ceremonies wearing their lab gowns.

Well. Clothes. Gowns aren’t really a thing anymore. Unless you’re walking the red carpet at the Met Gala or . . . well, getting married, I guess. Which I was. But. I was wearing a Target dress—yup, the Target dress—which I sometimes wear at work. And I work in a NASA lab, which technically makes it “lab clothes.” I guess I’m a pragmatic gal, too.

Levi and I aren’t going to have a ceremony until this summer. July 26, to be precise. I’d explain why I picked that date, but it might shift your opinion of me from “quirky Marie Curie fangirl” to “dangerously obsessive stalker,” so . . . yeah. I’ll let you google it, if you must. Anyway, even though we’re married, only a handful of people know. Reike, for instance (“Should I hyphenate my name, too? Mareike Königswasser-Ward. Nice ring to it, huh?”). Penny and Lily (our impromptu witnesses). Schrödinger and Félicette, of course, but they didn’t care too much when we told them. They just blinked sleepily at us and went back to napping on top of each other, stirring only when a dollop of celebratory whipped cream appeared.

Ungrateful creatures. I love them.

It’s a bit odd, the way our elopement came about. I noticed Levi’s frustration when, around the ninth time he proposed, I told him that I did want to marry him, but I was traumatized by the last-minute split of my previous engagement (and by the thousands of dollars wasted in security deposits). But the solution to this mess appeared to me in a dream. (That’s a lie: I was plucking my eyebrows.)

I secretly applied for a marriage license. Then, on a random Thursday morning, I told him I wanted to drive the truck (he was not a fan, but hid it well). He thought we were heading to work (hence the Target dress), but instead I sneakily navigated us to the courthouse. In the already-crowded early-morning parking lot, while he looked around to figure out where the hell we were, I told him I’d marry him that very day. That I couldn’t be afraid of him leaving me at the altar if we’d already tied the knot. That I wouldn’t even make him sign a prenup to prevent him from claiming rights to my limited-edition Empire Strikes Back DVD, because I wasn’t planning on divorcing him. Ever.

“I guess I should properly ask,” I said after methodically explaining my reasoning, “will you marry me, Levi?” To which he said, “Yeah.” Hoarse. Tongue-tied. Breathless. Handsome, so handsome that I had to kiss him, a little tearfully. And by “a little” I mean “a lot.” And by “tearfully” I mean that snot was involved. It was ugly, kids.

And it was beautiful.

After a ninety-four-second ceremony we drove to the Space Center, made up an excuse for being late, and I had Lean Cuisine at my desk while frowning at the terrible signal dropout in the astronauts’ MRI scans. I only saw Levi once, in public, and the one interaction we were able to sneak was his hand briefly brushing my lower back. Yikes, right?

It was the best day of my life.

Unlike today. Today’s going to be the worst day of my life. It’s 8:43 a.m., and I already know it.

“Are you actually going to do this?” Reike asks, staring at the “#FAIRGRADUATEADMISSIONS RACE, START LINE” banner above our heads.

“My heart says no.”

“And your body?”

“My body also says no. But louder.”

She nods, unsurprised. “You can probably do it. The 5K, I mean. For the love of the goddess, do not attempt the half marathon.”

“That’s a lot of trust from someone who has my same wimpy constitution and should know better.”

“It has nothing to do with constitution and everything to do with Levi training you for . . . it’s been what, eight months?”

“Eight months too long.”

We exchange a glance, laughing at each other. I love having Reike here. I love that she and Levi arranged her visit behind my back and surprised me with it. I love her nagging us because we have only vegan food in the house and she’s “sick of competing with the cats for a meager slice of chicken breast!” I love that she’s hooking up with nose-tongue dude while she’s here. I love her. I love all of this.

“Are you going to do the race?” I ask.

“Yeah. It’s for a good cause. Not that I fully understand what a Ph.D. is, what graduate admissions are, or even why someone would voluntarily go to school, but if you say you’re helping traditionally underrepresented groups, I’m on board. Rocío and I will walk and chat. She’s planning to talk to me about yet-uncaught serial killers.”

“Lovely.”

“Isn’t she? I cannot believe you let her move back to Baltimore.”

“I know, but she got into her dream school, has an apartment with her dream girlfriend, and I’m pretty sure she’s a leader in the local Wiccan community. I’m just glad she and Kaylee managed to be here for the 5K after putting so much effort into organizing it.”

A young woman walks up to Reike with a smile. “Excuse me—Dr. Königswasser?”

“Oh”—she points at me with her thumb—“not quite the Königswasser you’re looking for.”

“Yep, this is actually my evil twin. I’m Bee.”

“Kate. I’m a psychology grad at UMN.” She shakes my hand enthusiastically. “I’ve been following @WhatWouldMarieDo for years, and I just wanted to say how cool this is.” She gestures around herself. Three thousand people signed up for the 5K, but it feels like three million showed up—perhaps because it turned into a grad school fair of sorts. The organizing committee decided to allow universities that pledged to guarantee a fair, holistic admission process the opportunity to set up stands to recruit at the finishing lines. I glance at the crowd, spotting Annie and waving at her. We went out for dinner last night, since she flew in for the race a day early. It’s not not strange, having a meal with your former best friend who once broke your heart, but we’re slowly mending things. Plus, she helped out a lot with the logistics of the 5K.

I always thought that revealing my identity would ruin the fun of running WWMD for me, and I was frustrated when Guy’s actions made it impossible for me to do otherwise. Remember when I said that I was scared of being doxxed by creeps who look back wistfully to Gamergate? Well, that happened. A little bit. There was some unpleasantness as the news spread and I went public—some awkwardness, a period of adjustment. But one day Rocío called and said, “I always suspected that deep down you were cool, but I figured it was just wishful thinking. Instead, look at you!” That’s when I knew everything would be all right. And with time, it was. Being old news is such a relief.

“Thank you so much for coming all the way from Minnesota, Kate.”

“You flew in, too, right? From Maryland?”

“I actually live here now. In Houston. Left NIH for NASA last year.”

BLINK’s demonstration was a resounding success. Well, the first was a resounding disaster. But the second one went so well, got so much positive attention—likely because of the botched first attempt and the publicity it generated—that Levi and I ended up having our pick of jobs. You know how I thought I’d end up living in an underpass with a pile of angry spiders? A month later I was offered Trevor’s job. And when I declined, Trevor’s boss’s position. That’s life in academia, I guess: the agony and the ecstasy. Ebbs and flows. Did I fantasize about taking the job and forcing Trevor to write me a report on how men are stupider because their brains have lower neural densities? Often. And with almost sexual pleasure.

In the end, Levi and I considered NIH. We considered NASA. We considered quitting, building a lab in a retrofitted shed, Curie-style, and going rogue. We considered faculty positions. We considered Europe. We considered industry. We considered so much, we were doing nothing but considering for a while. (And having sex. And rewatching The Empire Strikes Back, about once a week.) In the end, we always came back to NASA. Maybe just because we have good memories here. Because deep down, we like the weather. Because we truly enjoy annoying Boris. Because the hummingbirds rely on us for their mint.

Or because, as Levi said one night on the porch, my head in his lap as we looked at the stars, “This house is in a really good school district.” He only briefly met my eyes, and I’m 74 percent sure he was blushing, but we formally accepted NASA’s offers the following day. Which means that now I have my permanent lab, right next to his. A year ago, it would have been a nightmare. Funny how these things go, huh?

The two-minute warning whistles, and people start trickling to the start line. A large hand wraps around mine and pulls me toward the crowd.

“Did you come get her because you know that otherwise she’ll run away?” Reike asks.

Levi smiles. “Oh, she wouldn’t run. More like a brisk walk.”

I sigh. “I thought I’d successfully left you behind.”

“The pink hair gave you away.”

“I don’t think I can do this.”

“I’m fully aware.”

“The longest I’ve run so far is . . . less than 5K.”

“You can start walking anytime.” His hand pushes against my lower back, where my newest tattoo resides. Just the outline of Levi’s house, with two little kitties inside. “Give it a try.”

“You’re not going to slow down your pace to match mine, are you?”

“Of course I am.”

I roll my eyes. “I always knew you hated me.” I grin up at him. When he smiles back, my heart picks up.

I love you, I think. And you are my home.

Someone blows one long whistle. I look ahead, take a deep breath, and start running.