SWNOVELS Love and War: Part One – Chapter 22
We walk into the hole-in-the-wall bar we found right after we moved here. It’s old school, with a large U-shaped bar in the middle and high-top tables surrounding it. There are a few old arcade games in the corners and a built-on room for pool, TVs ornamenting the walls. It’s dimly lit inside, the glass entryway door and the windows blacked out with tint, no entry under twenty-one decorating the glass. It smells of stale cigarettes. It’s never packed, a few blue-collar working men seated at the bar.
Regulars for sure.
The snobby people can’t stomach the old bar stench to eat lunch, and men in suits don’t want to be caught dead walking out of a bar of this class. They tend to migrate to a martini spot Lux used to frequent sometimes, but Lux and I found this place when we were a couple of high school graduates with little money and empty stomachs. It’s cheap. We walked in and never got carded. I guess they expect you to obey the sign on the door. The fact that it’s there keeps cops off their radar. Twenty minutes in, we discovered the food was good, the people were better, and we’ve been coming here ever since. It’s our place. We don’t share it with anyone in fear the best kept secret of Atlanta will be discovered, and we’ll no longer be able to just walk in anytime we want for a quick, lowkey meal.
“Marie hasn’t forced you into retirement yet, old man?” I smile as Joe turns around from wiping down the bar, no doubt already recognizing Lux’s voice. He always did have a soft spot for her outspoken, no-shit-giving attitude and lack of filter for the elderly.
The lower half of his face is turned up in a smile. His white hair is combed over in a part like it always is. His uniform never changes: a polo with the ‘Joe’s’ logo on the pocket over the left breast and a pair of relaxed khakis. He’s pushing seventy, but you’d never know it with his stocky build and too-young-to-quit personality. For his age, he’s a stubborn fuck. Still working and doesn’t take shit off anyone.
They say this life ages a person well beyond their years, but I’d say with Joe, it’s quite the opposite. This bar keeps him young.
I follow Lux to the bar and pull out a stool, taking a seat as he meets us on the other side. “Never. She likes her bingo and lunch dates at the country club far too much for me to sit at home and hold her back. Besides, I have forever to get old. And golf is too damn boring to me. I get more action cutting someone off after too many drinks than watching a ball fly. What brings my two favorite troublemakers in on this lovely day?”
He glances between Lux and I with his arms crossed, forearms down on the bar, leaning onto them for support and waiting for one of us to speak. I nod toward Lux, the smile already reaching my eyes. “Thing one here is getting hitched, Joe. Can you believe it? She finally found someone to put up with her shit forever.”
His face transforms into one of joy, his cheeks hinting a rosy shade. “That’s wonderful. Who’s the lucky sap?” He winks.
“Oh, just some guy that fell into my trap and was too stupid to run,” she teases. “I tried to talk him out of it, Joe, really I did. Ain’t no man got any business marrying a girl like me, but he seems sure of himself, so I guess I’ll stick around to torment him forever.”
He grabs two beers from the cooler, removing the caps and setting them before us. He always had this weird rule about no hard alcohol ‘til five o’clock in his bar. Before five, beer it is. “I’d say he’s a pretty smart man. I knew one would come along one of these days and never let you go. Both of you. The right one knows when to hold on.” He smiles. “So, when is the big day? I’ll be expecting an invitation hand delivered.”
“Eh, you know me, Joe. Can’t commit to too much all at once. For now, he should be happy I said yes. When a date calls to me I’ll take it, but until then, it’s yet to be determined. Plus, at the moment, I’m just trying not to kill one of my culinary instructors. My attitude really doesn’t like taking orders. It’s a constant struggle.”
I turn up the beer bottle at my lips, letting her words run in one ear and out the other, trying to calm my raging nerves still in a mess from Kross. She places her arm around me, pulling me into her. “Besides, that’s not even the real reason we’re here. I’m not the only one that has a male counterpart lingering around these days. Your favorite little villain here has been the busy one: training to be a tattoo artist not far away, ditching her BFF, and banging the boss . . .”
My beer sprays across the bar with force, a cough following behind. Joe is like an adopted grandfather. Who the fuck tells their grandfather they’re banging anyone, let alone their boss! No-fucking-body. “Lux, would you shut up!”
Joe starts laughing and straightens his posture, holding his hands up in surrender. “I’m going to take that as my cue to go to the kitchen. The usual?”
I nod, mortified, and Joe turns to leave the bar. I smack her on the side of the tit, hard, drawing a laughing whine out of her. I may not give a shit about a lot, but I still have a little meter inside that tells me when to keep things to myself and when to speak. Lux lacks that trait, and I had obviously forgotten. “Do you know how bad I want to torture you with a needle right now?”
She takes a sip of her beer, an evil grin covering her face. “How else did you want me to get rid of him? I love him, but he can be a bit of a talker. My time with you is limited.”
“You really have no shame. You don’t discuss who we’re banging with innocent old men! It’s fucking weird. And personal.”
“Oh . . . I forgot you’re the one that likes to keep who you bang a secret from everyone, including me.”
I squint my eyes and flip her off. “Bitch, I will cut you.”
She grabs my face in both hands and plants her plump, red lips on mine. When she pulls away, she makes the kissing sound. “My baby is back.”
I wipe my lips and look around, hoping to hell no one is still in here. A couple of guys are eying us in the back corner. I place my elbow on the table and use my hand as a visor to hide my face. “The way we greet each other is a personal thing, Lux. In privacy it’s fine, but in public we look like lesbians,” I whisper.
“I’m sorry, did you think that was an invite? Look away, asshole.” I close my eyes and shake my head. I think I’ve been around broody too long. Usually, I find her extroverted ways refreshing, but today, I want to put a cork in her mouth. She leans in, mimicking my low tone. “I hate to break it to you, love bug, but we’ve already won that title in ways. A certain someone’s birthday not all that long ago rings a bell. Tell me, who gives you the better orgasm? The sexy, alpha tattoo God that has you blushing like a damn school girl or yours truly.” She winks to drive her point home.
I clear my throat, shoving away the memory. That was also the night before my interview with Kross. So much has happened since then. “Our relationship would never make sense to anyone but us. Labels have no place in it.”
Her smile grows. “He doesn’t know, does he?”
“There is no reason for him to have that knowledge. It’s our secret.”
“. . . and Kaston’s,” she says casually, taking another gulp of her beer.
My mouth falls.
Joe returns, setting down two fried shrimp salads, before quickly fixing us two glasses of water. “It’s on the house, girls. I have to stock the bar. I’ll leave you two to chat. Don’t leave without saying goodbye, you hear?”
“Sure, Joe. Thanks,” I reply, before stabbing my fork into the poor undeserving shrimp and pointing it at her. “Why the fuck does he know that, Lux? Is he going to tell Kross?”
She doctors her salad by cutting up the boiled egg and adding the ranch dressing. “Shit happens. It was a while ago. The details of why are hazy. I wouldn’t think he’d say anything, but I can’t make any promises. What would it matter if he did? It was before you and Kross. It was actually kind of humorous seeing Kaston get jealous over a girl.”
I sigh. “He’s more judgmental than you think.”
Her lips turn up, feigning sarcastic confusion. “Uh, Delta, are we talking about the same guy? You know, the one covered in tattoos that probably cusses like a sailor.” She lowers her voice. “The same one that is my fiancé’s arms dealer. Do you know how stupid a judgmental gunslinger sounds?”
My shoulders drop. There is no easy way to go about this. We will be here all day if I don’t stop dancing around explanations. So, the best way to deal with this is honesty . . . on both sides. I lay my fork down, take a sip of water, and square my shoulders toward her. “He caught me stripping.”
Her confusion deepens. I hold out my hand, stopping her mouth from opening. “I’ll explain everything. Just give me a few minutes. It started when I got cut from my job at the bar. Well, let me backtrack. Kross had me working a bunch of weird shifts, never the same hours, so it was impossible to try and work out a schedule. I started arriving for my bartending shifts late, calling in some, not showing up even. You know how bartending is. You rely on tips. Work one good night on the weekend and you could be sitting comfortably for a few weeks, but everyone fights over weekends and we were already on a rotation between early and late, weekends and weeknights. He started punishing me slowly at first by cutting the best shifts and giving them to other bartenders. I figured I would do my time with shitty shifts and figure out a way to work it out with Kross once I proved myself, only it got worse, not better. I’m barely making over minimum wage with Kross, and still have to pay for shit like electricity, food, my cell phone and gas, so my rent got behind. The night my boss finally pushed me to PRN ‘til I proved I still wanted to take my bartending job seriously I came home to a fucking eviction notice. I didn’t know what else to do. I can’t live in my car, even though sometimes I like to pretend that’s an option. We both know that’s a recipe for rape and brutal murder in the ATL, so I did the only thing I could think of. I called Chuck.”
“Fuck, Delta,” she interrupts. “Why didn’t you call me? I would have given you the money. I told you when you finally walked away from that sleezeball to never go back. We would do whatever the fuck we needed to in order to survive. I would have even been okay with it, if that was the final option, at another strip club! But that’s the point. That’s not the final option!”
“I know you would have. That’s exactly why I didn’t call you. I didn’t want any handouts. I sure as hell wasn’t taking any of Kaston’s money. I get it, you’re pissed at me, but you should know better. I’ve never taken money from you and I’m not going to start now. Anyway, I went in and asked for my job back.”
“What did the motherfucker want from you to give it back?”
“Things are not without sacrifice.”
“You slept with him, didn’t you? After all this time?”
“I had no choice.”
“We always have a choice, Delta. At least since we left. Even then you had a choice, but I get it. But here and now, you don’t have to be that girl anymore. We promised we would never let that life control us again.”
“Why are you being so high and mighty? It’s not all that different than you with all those men before Kaston.”
“It’s completely different,” she argues. “Those men I chose. I picked them out of a roomful based on a checklist and I never strayed: suits, shoes, jewelry, cars, money. They served a purpose to better my life, not bring me down. He manipulates you to get his fucking rocks off. I never loved those men. In some fucking twisted way, he made you love him. He knows how to tell you the right things to keep you hanging on. You were finally past that. I’m really upset that you would fall back into his trap so easily. I would have much rather you came to me instead. I have money saved from before Kaston.”
“Do you want to hear the rest or are you going to tell me shit I already know?”
She breathes out and turns toward me, grabbing my hand in hers. “I’m sorry. I’m just disappointed that you feel like you have to chase your past to avoid asking me for help. You’re my best friend, Delta. We walked out of Hell together. I’ll die before either of us go back.”
I squeeze her hand. “Well, then you would have loved to have seen the way Kross put him on the floor my second night . . . after he mysteriously appeared in my dressing room before the end of my set and then pretty much fucked me like a whore. He just took it. Didn’t even ask. It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. It was hot. And this is coming from the girl that gave a try to the whole cuff and riding crop thing once.”
And then the Cheshire cat grin comes out to play. “It’s been way too long since I’ve had sexy details from you. Please tell me that man has an enormous cock and the stamina of the Energizer bunny. I’ve wondered it . . . He also looks like he would be a little on the abusive side in bed.”
I think on that for a moment—our private life. The way sex with Kross is more difficult yet more satisfying than any man I’ve ever experienced in the past. A small part of me wants to tell her everything, to get her advice on how to go about a man like Kross since she has more experience than me, but a bigger part of me wants to keep it all to myself. “I’ll put it to you like this: biggest, thickest, best, roughest, and so fucking good.”
“God, I’ve missed our talks. You didn’t tell me how you ended up being bunk mates, though.”
“He asked me in a very serious manner ‘what the fuck I was doing there’. I tried to explain even though it embarrassed me. He took my eviction threat reasoning and tossed it out the window, apparently. He was pretty simple about it. Just said he couldn’t be unfair at work and pay me more ‘til I earned it, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to let me strip, for whatever reason, so I was informed I was moving in with him, and well, would you turn that down? No, because you didn’t with Kaston.”
She glances around the room, bringing her voice to a whisper. “So, I know you’re a little more morale than me, even though in the physical sense, most would say the opposite based on first impression, but are you sure you can handle his . . . hobbies?”
My heart starts to race. I can barely breathe from all of the adrenaline running through my system. It’s the first time I’ve really been able to talk about my feelings with it all, but I still fear I’ll say too much and upset him or betray his trust in me. I don’t want him upset with me.
I begin turning the diamond stud in the corner of my lip, a nervous habit I have. My voice is barely audible. “At first I wasn’t. He took me on a delivery. I was terrified. I had no warning of what I was going into. Those men scared me. I had to do things I wouldn’t normally do, and I’ve done a lot in my life that most would deem bad. For a moment, I actually was scared I might not make it out of there alive . . .”
I remember exactly what happened, step by step. I let the memory invade my thoughts; something I’ve suppressed until now. With every second I linger on it, it strengthens.
A face I’ve become familiar with assaults me, warm eyes I can’t seem to forget, and a man I’m starting to trust. The way he looked that night, standing there with those men so calm and collected, no fear present.
Everything happened so fast. It didn’t take long for the drugs I’ve never tried to take effect. It’s strange how they can alter the point of view in which you experience things. Because then, I didn’t notice how he looked at me.
But now, I see it so clearly.
“One thing I know for sure is he will never let someone hurt me. That knowledge makes accepting it a lot easier.” I pause, letting myself view it a little longer, before it disappears back into the file my mind keeps it in.
I quiver under his scrutiny, even though it’s only in my mind. He radiates just as much power when he isn’t present as when he is. Then his face slowly slips away, my mind unable to bear it any longer. The whispers return. “I’ve never been a criminal, never even considered breaking the law aside from underage drinking and smoking. I slept with a grown man as a minor for an extended period of time; nothing I could do time for. But I’m almost positive I’d do anything that man asked me to do.”
She looks at me, studying me. “I’ve been living in this world of secrets for a little while now. I’ve seen things, heard things, even done things, but more importantly, I know things to be true. It’s a life of cover-up. A constant disguise. Once you’re in it you don’t just get out. That’s been made very clear to me. I need to make you completely aware of this situation before you get caught up in it. If he wants you in the way that Kaston wants me, he’s not going to let you go without a fight, and that’s if he does at all. You won’t be able to leave once you’re involved. You will be his partner in every aspect of the word. If he gets busted, are you willing to go down with him? Like I said earlier, I know this look. I’ve seen it on you before, just diluted. Only this time, there is something else there that wasn’t last time. Fascination. Addiction, maybe. All those months ago on your birthday, when you first took me in for that tattoo, I knew there was something to him that sets him apart from any other guy to you. Whether you’ve figured it out or not yet, you’re in love with him. Can you do the time if it comes down to it? For him?”
Love? I would hardly call this thing between us love. I’m not sure what Kaston is involved in yet, or why he would ever need a dealer for weapons. I always thought a couple were plenty for one person, but even so, I can see how he is with Lux. I’ve seen the way he looks at her. She completes him. He loves her more than himself, and he isn’t afraid to show it. I don’t think that would ever happen with Kross.
To love someone, you have to know without a doubt that living without that person would alter your life in a big way. If he ditched me today, tomorrow, or a year from now, I believe with every part of me that his life would resume just like I had never came into it. That saddens me, because I find myself already wanting him forever in whatever way I can have him, and that fact answers the question on the table.
I know, that even if I end up behind bars staring at a small cell for many years, the amount of time I got to be by his side, work beneath him, learning what makes him the way he is, and experiencing him in a way that not many get to experience him will all be worth it. Every time he pushes inside of me, touches me, and kisses me, my mind jumbles and my body completely alters in state.
It doesn’t matter what he does to me, what situation I end up in, or what he forces me to do, I only want him more with every passing second. The asshole in him appeals to me.
I want to know what’s beneath his surface in the worst possible way. I want to be the one that shows him affection, teaches him the act of love, and witnesses him experience it all for the first time. Could I be in love with him?
Fuck.
“Delta?”
The haze clears from my eyes and Lux is still staring at me, waiting on me to answer patiently in the motherly voice she only shows me; always has. She would have been a good mom, even so young. “For him, I would do or withstand anything,” I whisper, my insecurities starting to surface. “The problem is, no man like that ever wants forever with a girl that falls this easily. They want the chase. I knew I was needy emotionally, expected it and forewarned him, but love I was trying to avoid. I wasn’t aware I was that obvious. I’m scared I may push him away without knowing it. Why can’t I be like you? Turned off by love, by commitment. The female equivalent to men like him and Kaston. You’re the girl every man wants to keep. You aren’t predictable. I’m the girl that appeals to a man outwardly, but the second they discover the person beneath the ink is just like every other girl they can have so easily, I’m no longer interesting. Nothing sets me apart like you.”
Her eyes soften. “Delta, that’s not true. Every alpha wants a beta. That’s just the way it is; always has been. Me—I’m fucked up in plenty of ways. Kaston forces my beta to surface when he needs it. You and me—we’re both betas, regardless of what anyone thinks. It’s why we found each other when we needed each other the most. We’re the same. If I was really an alpha, I would have told my mother no. I would have told him no. I would have gone to the police when I buried my daughter. My beta just learned to disguise itself as an alpha to survive. It adapted.”
She reaches down and touches her finger to the first tattoo that was ever stained on my skin; the one that matches the woman’s that gave birth to me. “You want to know the real reason I moved out? What I told you was a lie.”
My brows furrow. “Yes. I don’t like you keeping secrets from me.”
“Even though we both had shit for mothers, I’ve always felt like you needed one more than me. Mine loved me; she just couldn’t leave the drugs alone long enough to show it except in glimpses over the years. They ruled her every waking moment, drove her decisions, and a lot of the time I was the cost. I became her bargaining tool when there was nothing else. But still, she loved me, and that made everything I went through bearable. Yours deserves to be hung like the witch that she is. She’s never loved you, and she wasn’t scared to make your life miserable by reminding you every fucking day. Your kind soul, so full of love, deserves someone to love you in return—a loving mother. I’ve secretly tried to be that for you since the moment I met your mother. I tried to replace her. Mothers are supposed to be strong for their children. They don’t break down. When I’m alone, when the memories overwhelm me, when I can’t handle the scars another second, and when my heart tries to stop beating over the loss of my daughter, that’s what I do. I break down. But no matter how hard it gets for me, there is still you. You need me to be the Lux you know. The alpha version. And I can’t have you seeing that side of me. Ever.”
My chest becomes heavy, constricting with each command to breathe that won’t come. Feelings I’ve pushed away for so long come flooding to the surface, drowning me. And for the first time in a long time—aside from the few minor tears with Kross lately—I cry.
I cry for never noticing she was putting behind her own issues for me.
I cry for never being that for her.
I cry knowing that she’s right . . . about everything.
She grabs my face in both hands and wipes away my tears with her thumbs. “Stop it. I haven’t seen you cry in a very long time. I didn’t tell you so that you would get upset. I know what you’re doing inside, and I don’t need that from you. I’ve always been strong enough to fight off my own demons. I only told you because my hopes for you are that you let a man deserving of such a pure heart love you the way you need. I think Kross is that man for you. I feel it in my bones.”
I grab her hands in my own, holding them to my face. “I don’t think he’ll ever love me. I don’t think that he can.”
She smiles, as if she has some knowledge that no one else has. “If I can fall in love, anyone can. Sometimes we just need someone to put forth the effort and have a little patience. I’ll tell you a secret if you keep it between us.”
I smile. “Always.”
“Kaston and I have talked about you two several times. He said he’s known Kross a while and never seen him publicly interested in someone. He said he’s seen a change in him since you started working at the shop, and one night he made a few mindless prods to Kross about you before the two of you started. The funny part—right after is when Kross started pursuing you. If a man like that didn’t think you were ‘different from the rest’ he certainly wouldn’t be calling up my fiancé for dating advice. He may not know exactly what he wants with you yet, but he definitely doesn’t want anyone else to have you. Give him time, Delta, and I think you’ll be shocked at what he’s capable of. Criminals love too.”
“I love you.”
“I know. The feelings have always been mutual, even when it seems like life is driving us apart. I know I’ve been busy with Kaston for some time now, and I know I seem distant with culinary school, but I still think of you even when we go days without speaking. You’re the reason I’m working toward my dream. You believed in me enough to send in that application just like I believed in you enough to run my mouth that night about your portfolio. We can both have our dreams. I still want to be the one you tell your secrets to. I’m always here if you need me, no matter what it is. I’m only a phone call and a car ride away. You’ll always be my best friend. You’ll always be my person; the one I loved first. I’m going to say this and then I can’t say any more. It’s too much emotionally for me to handle, but Kaston is teaching me how to filter my feelings so that from time to time I can express them—something I’ve never done. You may have needed a mother for lack of having one, but I needed a daughter. In ways, even though we’re best friends, we also gave each other exactly what the other needed. We complement each other. We’re each other’s dark to light, fire to water, and negative to positive. We are each other’s balance. Yin and Yang.”
My eyes well up again. “Is he that person for you?”
She looks at me, confused. “What person?”
“The one that breaks with you when you break down. The one that holds you when you can’t stand, catches you when you fall. The one that loves you when you can’t love yourself. The one I haven’t been for you.”
The tear falls, meeting the tip of her thumb. I feel like the shittiest friend. Everything I’ve been numb to for years is crashing down around me. I wasn’t there with her when her mom died like I was with Sophie. In ways, I felt like it was Kaston’s place and not mine, like she wanted him there over me. I didn’t want to overstep.
I should have seen that things from our childhood have continuously eaten at her over the years, regardless of how put together she always seems. I should have known there were things with Kaston she wasn’t telling me. I should have prodded more when her Porsche was suddenly absent after the breakup with Callum. More than that, it should have been me at the airport trying to make her stay when Kaston didn’t know she was leaving. I don’t deserve her. Her strength over her battles makes me look like a pussy, and yet she’s still such a beautiful person.
She smiles bigger than I quite possibly have ever seen her. “Yes, and that’s why despite my fears, I’m going to marry him when he least expects it. When he’s not asking me to choose a date. I would give that man anything, he just doesn’t have to know.” Her smile falls some. “But Delta, you have been that for me. We were just too young for you to realize it. When I lost Sophie, times were dark. I didn’t understand things that were happening to me, or feelings I was having. You helped me sort those things out even though you didn’t fully understand them yourself. You have a pure heart and a kindred spirit for someone who had no guide to be that way. Your soul is clean even though you think it’s tarnished. What happened with Chuck isn’t on you. You were a fucking kid, Delta. A teenager. A girl with emotional issues. You were vulnerable. He used that to get to you. He was a grown-ass man. They were. They knew better. We didn’t deserve what happened to us just because we consented to them. Stop letting that dictate what kind of person you think you are. You are good.”
I force her into a hug. “I’ve missed you so much. Yin and Yang. I like that. It should be permanent. Will you get a tattoo with me? Please. Now that you’ve popped your tattoo cherry.”
She laughs in my ear. “I’ve missed you too. You have no idea.” She breaks the hug and glances at her ring, before looking at me with a smile on her face. “Tattoo, huh? I guess I owe you that much. If it weren’t for you dragging my ass in that tattoo shop neither of us would be here. You got a deal, if you draw it yourself and tattoo mine.”
Excitement rushes through my body. “Deal!”
“Now, eat up, because Kaston sent me a text on the way here that you were on a strict time allotment and threatened me if I broke it. Apparently, your lover boy has you on a tight leash.” She smirks. “And Kaston said by the look on his face and the tone in his voice he was not to be fucked with. There is one more thing we have to discuss to clear the air. But not here.”
The heaviness between us lifts and nervous energy swirls in my belly. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall when he walked back in that shop. A smile appears before I can stop it. I glance down at my phone and press the lock button to turn on the screen. A text I didn’t know I had is displayed on the lock screen from ten minutes ago.
Kross: You are down to one hour.
I glance up and Lux is staring down at the screen, before returning the grin I know I’m displaying. “Alpha always wants a beta,” she repeats, and for the first time in a long time, relief washes over me, and suddenly I’m starving.