Lost in Glory

The lake was beautiful. The water was crystal clear. Assuming they were pink crystals. The paladin looked around. He saw nothing unusual. Well, nothing more unusual than the rest of the scenery. Bushes with glowing violet leaves no longer surprised him. "I'm here!" he shouted, but no one answered. So he started walking along the shore. He walked quite a bit, until he saw a strange creature, drinking from the lake.

"Hello there!" Arthaxiom spoke. "What are you?"

"I am an anteater," the creature replied. "Catch!" It breathed water from its snout right at the paladin's face.

"Aaaagh!" he screamed, but then he realised that it was just water. Sweet water. "Hey, it's sweet!"

"Sure is! Might give you cancer!" the anteater said happily and disappeared into the bushes.

"Oh no it won't!" a violet cancer said and wandered away into the lake.

"What a strange creature," Arthaxiom said to himself. "Two of them, even. I wonder what did they symbolise."

"Your stupidity!" a voice said behind him. He spun around, just to see a huge fish burst out of the water. It hung in the air in front of his face. It held a rake in its fin. It was big. It was shiny. It seemed annoyed.

"What are you?"

"A fish, you dolt! A fish of your past!"

"Why is my past a fish?"

"I symbolise your past, you idiot! See this rake? You think I rake bottom of the lake with it?"

"Well... maybe..."

"No! It is a symbol! Of your peasant past! I'm a peasant fish!"

"Uh... that is nice." The paladin was totally confused now. There was this fish, holding a rake, and floating above a pink lake. It seemed quite upset with him. He had absolutely no idea how to deal with the situation.

"You have nothing more to say?"

"No, not really," he admitted. "I do not know what to say."

"Do I have to explain everything to you?" the fish was rather agitated.

"I would appreciate that."

"Oh, very well," the fish sighed. "After all, that's what I am here for, I guess. See, I symbolise your peasant past. A fish of your past. A peasant fish." The fish shook its rake. "You need to face your past! You cannot avoid it!"

"Uh... I have no problem with my past," Arthaxiom replied. "I was a peasant once. Now I am a Hero."

"Yes. A peasant can become a Hero. But can a Hero ever stop being a peasant? Can he?"

"Ummm... yes?"

"Yes! But he must face his past! He must face his inner peasant."

"All right. How do I do that?"

"It is difficult. That's why I'm here to help you. FACE YOUR INNER PEASANT!" the fish shouted. SLAP! It slapped the paladin in the face with its tail. The world whirled around him. SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! The hits came from all sides. Water splashed in his eyes. He couldn't see. He tried to protect his head with his hands, but to no avail. SLAP! A powerful hit on the back of his head made him fall into the lake, face first. SPLASH!

-I-I-I-I-

The Dark and Gloomy Lord wasn't happy. It wasn't just because he was supposed to be gloomy. He wasn't happy because his stupid zombie helper had misheard him and convinced fifty thousand orcs to invade the Empire. His cunning plan called for only five thousand. It was quite a difference. A difference of about forty-five thousand orcs.

"Are you absolutely sure that fifty thousand orcs are going to descend on the Empire?" he asked, while pacing nervously around his throne.

"Yes, Lord. I think some of them might die on the way, because, you know, such a horde would need a lot of supplies and they aren't any good with logistics, you know, and they have quite a bit to travel, you know, so..."

"So... it's not so bad?"

"Well, it depends how you look at it, Lord. Not as many orcs maybe, but the weaker ones will be eaten on the way, and the rest will be extra hungry when they get here..."

This didn't improve Dark and Gloomy Lord's mood. Hungry orcs were definitely more worrying then satiated ones. "No chance you can get back there and convince them not to attack?"

"I don't think so, Lord. They are probably already on the way. Hard to make fifty thousand orcs turn around. Also, they want to eat some brains."

"Brains? Orcs don't crave for brains. It's zombies. You should know that. You are one, after all."

"They do now, Lord. Many were reluctant to go at first, so I had to elaborate on how delicious the human brain is. Now they are quite enthusiastic about having some."

"I don't want to have my brains eaten by orcs!" the Dark and Gloomy Lord cried in despair in a most undarklordly way. Extra hungry orcs would probably eat the inside of his skull as well as the outside of his skull and pretty much every edible part of him and have fries with it too.

"I don't really mind, Lord," the zombie said. "Once you die the first time, it's not as scary anymore."

"Think, think, think!" the lord was saying to himself.

"Do you think it will make your brain less appealing, Lord?"

"No you dumbcorpse! I'm thinking how to prevent this!"

"Ah. I might be just a stupid zombie, but may I make a recommendation, Lord?"

"Go ahead."

"I recommend running away."

"Only when there's no other choice." Which pretty much is the case, he added to himself. "Let's try to fix it, shall we? First, Roseduck. Did you order his assassination?"

"Of course, Lord. As ordered, I did it on my way back."

"Any chance you might be able to... call it off?"

"Not really, Lord. The assassin said we'd meet again when he completes his assignment."

"So you must warn Roseduck. It's better to have him as the High Lord Commander than any of those other morons!"

"So why did you want him dead in first place, Lord?"

"I wanted the army to lose against five thousand! Now I want the army to win against fifty!"

The zombie scratched its head. Its ear fell off. "Oh. So, a cryptic and mysterious note, Lord?"

"No. Definitely not cryptic. Mysterious, but blunt and to the point."

-I-I-I-I-

Arthaxiom woke up. He spat water and gasped for breath. He started coughing. There was sand under his hands. He managed to open his eyes and look around. He was on a beach. Probably still next to the same lake, but in a different place. Or maybe it was a different lake, just had the same pink colour? In any case, the peasant fish of his past was nowhere to be seen. He was pleased with that. That fish had beat him up good. He expected his whole face to stink of fish, but it smelled like pretty flowers instead. No complaints there either.

Again, he didn't know what he was supposed to do here. "Anyone here?" he called, but there was no answer. He started walking slowly, looking around, searching for anyone or anything. The only thing he found was a large round rock. He approached it.

There were two lizards on that rock, a white one and a black one. The white one was covered in fur and had wings, while the black one was covered in sharp scales.

"Dude, get out of my rock!" the black lizard said.

"I shall do no such thing!" the white lizard disagreed.

"You have wings, fly and find your own rock!"

"I refuse. I appreciate this one very much."

"Dude, not cool!"

"I beg to differ. This rock is very cool. You cannot deceive me!"

"I'm warning you, dude."

"Could you please stop referring to me as 'dude'? It is rather annoying."

"I'm the lizard wizard, fear my wrath!"

"You are no wizard, you..."

CHOMP! The black lizard bit the white lizard on the tail.

"Please let go of my tail," the white lizard requested.

"Mmmrf gfffhh mrrrl."

"Could you please stop being so immature?"

"Mfffrl grrrf hssss."

"Your attitude is displeasing me, I must say."

"Kffff mfffzh!"

"Very well, be like that!"

"Mmmmrg gfkhhh rrrrh!"

CHOMP! Now the white lizard bit the black lizard's tail.

"Mffffff!" the black lizard complained.

"Ghhhhk mrrrrf fffffh!" the white lizard replied. They had each other's tails in their mouths and made a nice circle.

"Hrrrf gmmmmfh!"

"Rrrrwrw!"

Neither lizard was willing to let go and they both only mumbled an growled at each other. Then they started walking in circle, their claws tearing deep into the rock. The rock started bleeding.

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" a voice boomed behind the paladin. He turned around to see a fish bursting out of the water. It wasn't the same fish as before, but it was quite similar. This one was holding a sword in one fin and a shield in the other. Its scales were gleaming gold. "I am just a minute late and you wander off already?"

"I was watching the lizards," the paladin explained. "They symbolise... something. Probably."

"No, silly human. It's 'Lizards on the Rock' comedy show. Pretty good, eh?"

"They looked... symbolic."

"Well, maybe they are. Who knows? It's your vision after all."

"But I do not know what they symbolise! Tell me!" Arthaxiom demanded.

"How can I explain your own symbols to you?" the fish asked. "I'm just a fish, you know. What do you expect from me?"

"The last fish I met here slapped me around," the paladin admitted with hesitation.

"Ah, it was the fish of your past. That's a nasty, nasty fish, but it serves its purpose. It beat the peasant out of you, didn't it?"

"Well, yes, I suppose so."

"See, you're making progress. Now it's my turn, for I am the fish of your present!"

"Uhhh... what are you going to do?" Arthaxiom wasn't sure he was looking forward to it.

"Make a Hero out of you, that's what I'm going to do!"

"I already am a Hero!" the paladin protested.

"Well, in your mind, yes. And you have a nice Heroic sword, I give you that. I have it right here, so you can see how well it presents itself."

"Yes, yes it does," he agreed. "It is a good sword."

"But look at your shield!" The fish threw the shield at the paladin. "Do you know what it was used for? Do you know?"

"No, but..."

"But it was used to shovel horse dung!" the fish interrupted. "Not very Heroic, is it?"

"Well, no, but..."

"And your armour! Hanging in a peasant's attic for years! Looks good until you come closer and notice all the rust, dents and holes! Did it ever occur to you to find a better one? A more Heroic one?"

"It serves well."

"Yes, and the shield too, but what did you battle so far? Some animals. Some goblins. And only by a miracle you didn't have your brains bashed in! What if you face something worse? And you will face something worse, I guarantee you that! As the fish of your present, my job is to ensure that you survive, and Heroism alone cannot take you all the way."

"I can go back to the hermit and ask..."

"Can you?" The fish was doubtful. "After you sent that wolf to him? Really? You think he appreciates singing wolves?"

"I did not think that..."

"Correct," the fish interrupted again. "You did not think. Happens a lot, doesn't it? It doesn't hurt you much, because you're a Hero. But there might come a time when it will hurt you. Permanently, if you know what I mean."

"Uhhh... I do not."

The fish sighed. "Permanently, meaning it might kill you!"

"Ah. That is bad."

"Understatement of the vision quest. But I think you're beginning to get it. Good. You had your own dumb old self slapped out of you by the fish of your past, and as the fish of your present I encourage you to fill that space with something useful. Now about that armour..."

"I do not know where to get a better one."

"Yes, yes, I know. We will take care of it, I think. At least the shield is here." The fish pointed down. Arthaxiom looked. There was a gleaming, beautiful golden shield lying underwater. "Come and get it."

He did as he was told. He waded into the lake and bent over to get it. SLAP! SPLASH!

"Sucker."

-I-I-I-I-

"General, beware. Dark Lord Abracabrachupacabra sent an assassin to kill you," the General read.

"What a stupid name," Saalteinamariva said.

"While yours is a smart one," Vannard japed.

"Saalteinamariva means 'a very beautiful and intelligent maiden who outshines the stars', I'll let you know."

"And they say that names don't lie."

The General sighed. Then he realised how often he sighed these days, and sighed again. He wasn't happy. While the succession proceedings were unfruitful so far, the meetings with the other High Lords have made a serious dent in his sanity. Serious enough to meet Vannard and Saalteinamariva both in his own chamber. He didn't even care that they could demolish it. And/or burn it down. And/or burn down half of the castle. He would even enjoy the burning castle, as long as the Duke would get caught by the flames. And the rest of the lords as well. And the Master of Ceremony. And many, many more people who got on the General's nerves.

Talking to the assassin and the sorceress wasn't any better. He could be in immediate danger and it made him rather uneasy, but his 'allies' didn't seem to care much. Not that he expected anything else. At least this time they were sitting in their chairs and didn't throw fireballs around. "Can we please focus on that dark lord person that wants me dead?"

"Of course," Vannard replied and did the exact opposite. "Why are you reading 'Alice in Weirdoland'?" He pointed at a book lying on Roseduck's desk.

"That is none of your business."

"It's a good book," the assassin continued, undeterred. "Some of it is even true. I met the cat once."

"We already know you're insane, no need to prove it further," Saalteinamariva said. "And you'll probably claim you killed the cat, too?"

"Actually, it got away." Vannard sounded a bit impressed.

"Could you please stop that?" Roseduck almost shouted. "An assassin is out to get me and you're discussing a cat from a book!"

"No need to get all that panicky, Ducky."

"Easy for you to say! Unlike you, I can't nonchalantly stab him right in the heart without even noticing him! I need help."

The sorceress shrugged. "It might be a joke."

"Might be. Doesn't look like this, though. It is even on this dark lord's official stationery, with his address and everything. If it's a joke, someone put a lot of effort into it."

"Address?"

"Yes. The castle Kidneystone, which, as far as I know, is abandoned and ruined. It's not that far away, scouts were already dispatched to 'periodically assess its defensive capabilities', so I'll know all about it quite soon. Until then... can I really take risks?"

"No risk, no fun!" Vannard said cheerfully.

"Some risk, I die," the General responded. "I'm not as hard to kill as you are."

"Not my fault."

"Not your fault. But you could defend me."

Vannard wasn't enthusiastic about that idea. "Can't you get some guards or something?"

"I can and I will. But are guards any good against a skilled assassin?"

"Well... no."

"My point exactly."

"You're asking him to be your bodyguard? Are you nuts?" Saalteinamariva was shocked by the idea.

"I'd be nuts not to."

"I appreciate your faith in me, Ducky, but I'm more of an assassin than a bodyguard, you know."

"So assassinate that assassin who might be trying to kill me. I'm paying triple for this one. If I survive, that is. Just in case you need a reason to keep me alive. Also, a bonus if I get a chance to interrogate him before you kill him."

"Just to be clear on this, you want me to keep you alive and capture that assassin while keeping him alive too?"

"Pretty much, yes."

"Anything else? Should I juggle some alligators in the meantime? Steal candy from monkeys? Make some straw figurines of former Emperors while being on fire?"

"I can help you with that 'being on fire' thing," the sorceress offered.

"I knew I can count on you."

"I'd do everything for you. Everything that might make you dead or at least severely mutilated."

"And I have a special knife just for you. It has your name engraved on its blade. And it's a loooong name."

"You never fail to remind me of that."

"Just making sure you don't forget."

"Sooo grateful."

"Could you stop bickering?" the General had enough of this. "It's my life that's on the line here!"

"It's yours, not mine, so excuse me for not caring all that much," Vannard replied. "But don't worry, I'll guard you. Unless I get bored."

"So now I should hope that the assassin, if he really exists, strikes as soon as possible?"

"Yes, something like that. By the way, I want five times my usual rate."

"Awesome. And Saalteinamariva, I'd like your help too. Just in case that assassin is a mage or something."

"In this case, I'd like your money too. Just in case I need to spend it or something."

Roseduck sighed. "Good bodyguards are expensive these days."

-I-I-I-I-

The paladin woke up on a rocky shore. It was not a happy awakening. The rocks were poking him painfully. He slowly got up on his knees...

"Get up! How long do I have to wait?" a voice boomed and a stream of cold water hit him. That made him awake and upward rather fast.

"Hey! That was uncalled for!" he complained, as he faced yet another fish. This one was the same size as the previous ones and also was floating above the water. Yet is was different from them, because it was kind of... foggy. It seemed a bit insubstantial, and Arthaxiom couldn't quite work out its features. It held something in its fin, but he wasn't able to say what it was either.

"Do you know what I am?" the fish asked.

"Yes. A fish," the paladin replied and backed up slowly. He wasn't too anxious to repeat the experiences he had with the previous two fish.

"But what kind of fish?" the fish insisted.

"Uhh... a giant, floating, misty one?" he hazarded.

The fish seemed disappointed. "Yes, that is correct, but it wasn't the answer I desired. Did you not learn anything? Let's try again. If the first fish was the fish of your past, and the second fish was the fish of your present, then I must be..."

"...the fish of my future?"

"No! The fish of flowers!" the fish exclaimed and breathed daisies at him. The force of the daisy stream made him fall backwards.

"That does not make any sense," the paladin complained, as he got up.

"You noticed that. Well done. You're learning. In truth, I am the fish of your future, and the fish of flowers too. Sort of a side job," the fish explained.

"Why are you so foggy?" the paladin asked. "The other fish were not."

"Duh. Use that object you have between your ears!"

"My nose?" the Hero asked incredulously.

The fish sighed. "Your brain! Braaaaain! Thiiiiink! You know what you were in the past, and you know what you are now. Do you know what you will be?"

"A Hero?"

"After that."

"An old Hero?"

The fish sighed again. "Hopefully you will be a smart Hero sometime in the future, but right now it doesn't seem too likely. My point is that you cannot know what will happen in the future. And you shouldn't."

"Why should I not?"

"Because if you know what is going to happen, you might act differently than if you don't know."

"I do not understand."

"It is a paradox. Do you know what a paradox is?"

"Uhhh... a big red flower?"

The fish sighed yet again. "No. Never mind. The point is, I cannot tell you what your future will be."

"But you are the fish of my future? Are you not sort of supposed to do that?" This was the most confusing fish so far.

"Yes, but in a limited way. I am supposed to give you some vague forebodings and unspecific general advice."

"Ah." That was more like it. Vague forebodings and unspecific general advice were definitely Heroic. "Now I get it."

"Good. So listen carefully, cause I will say it only once. Which is still one more time than most fish do. You might get help from unexpected sources."

"I do not expect any help."

"Exactly! That's why any help you get will be unexpected!"

"It makes sense, I guess... but does it help me at all?"

The fish sighed yet again. "A difficult one, aren't you? It is to make you expect unexpected help. So that you don't panic when it appears or anything."

"I do not panic."

"Oh well... let's try another one then, shall we?"

"I would be grateful."

"Very well. You have to know when to stay and when to run."

"Is it not obvious?"

"It is now when I pointed it out! Before that you wouldn't have even considered running!"

Arthaxiom pondered this. "Good point. How will I know when to run?"

"I'll show you an example. See that albatross?"

Indeed, there was an albatross circling above them. Not surprisingly, it was bright red.

"Yes."

"Watch it closely."

"I am watching."

SLAP! A powerful hit with the tail made the paladin stagger. "You shouldn't have stayed." SLAP! "If you mix up when to stay and when to run..." SLAP! "...then you're screwed." SLAP! SPLASH!

-I-I-I-I-

The High Lords were having another meeting. Therefore, the Chamber of the High Lords was surrounded by an enormous amount of guards. There were Imperial Guards ordered there by the Master of Ceremony. There were Imperial Soldiers, ordered there by General Roseduck. There were private guards in employment of each of the High Lords. And now Vannard was there too. He was leaning on a window sill and watching the chamber door from afar.

He was not a specialist in preventing assassinations. He was a specialist in making them happen. Nevertheless, he decided to try to keep Roseduck alive. He wouldn't admit that, but he was quite pleased with the agreement he had with the General. He was given food, housing, a decent amount of money and permitted to kill people as long as they were 'bad' people. Of course, he didn't need permission to kill people, but he rather enjoyed not having to worry about other people upset about the killing. And having to kill them too. He preferred killing when he felt like it, not when he had to. He also preferred killing 'bad' people, as there was more chance that they'd provide some challenge. 'Good' people rarely did.

He was getting bored. He was supposed to be looking for an assassin who might or might not be around, and who might or might not even exist. Given many multiple approaches that such assassin might utilise, a chance of simply spotting him was negligible. There were one thousand and three places in the Imperial Castle where an assassin could hide and even more people an assassin could disguise as. All these guards for example. Every single one of them could be one and nobody would know. Perhaps someone who knew what to look for could recognise one... but definitely not Vannard.

"Found something?" he asked Saalteinamariva when she joined him.

"No hidden mages found. You?"

"Two potted plants and one hundred and twenty-eight guards."

"I asked about assassins, you clown. Stop trying to be funny!"

"No need to be rude, Sally."

"Don't. Call me. That." she said, her teeth clenched.

"Or?"

"Or you will be called 'Hey, that guy is on fire!'"

"Come on then, Sally. I'm bored."

She lifted her hand to make good on her promise, but stopped herself halfway. "Bored? Well, no need to entertain you, then. Anyway, I did what I was supposed to. Enjoy your doing nothing." She turned to leave.

"Suit yourself. In other news, that guy over there is looking at your lower backside."

She looked in the direction he was pointing at. From the distance it was hard to say who was looking where exactly. "You mean the one wearing a pink cap or the one with silly trousers?"

"Both of them, actually."

"Nice try, but I won't incinerate them for your amusement."

Vannard briefly considered stabbing the leaving sorceress, but it was neither the place nor the time for that. He sighed. A few days of this and Ducky will have to manage on his own. He looked around. Nothing interesting in sight apart from some guards. He wasn't supposed to be killing guards, but maybe he could bruise a few? Or at least distress them a bit? All during the search for the assassin, of course.

"Hey there, mister Pink Cap, could you come here for a second? Guarding quality control."

-I-I-I-I-

The paladin woke up. Something was poking him painfully. Again. He searched for the source of that and discovered an inconveniently placed stick. He got up slowly. He was still next to the pinkish lake. This time he got washed ashore into some reeds. As usual, there was nothing of interest in sight. He was getting a bit tired of this. He got out of the reeds, sat down on the beach and waited.

He waited for a long time, but nothing happened. Nothing at all. Even the sun hadn't moved. Finally, he sighed, got up and started walking along the shore. Apparently he still was supposed to see or do something here.

Soon, a seagull landed in front of him. It looked just like a normal seagull. Apart from being bright green, that is.

"Hello there, little bird," he said.

"Why are you talking to a seagull?" an outraged voice came from behind him. As he turned around, he saw a small yellow meerkat.

"Because I know from experience that animals here can speak," he replied.

"Yes, but seagulls are boring!" the meerkat said.

"Who are you calling boring, you overgrown hamster?" the seagull protested and launched in the air.

"I have nothing common with hamsters, you... oops!" The meerkat suddenly realised that the seagull was flying towards it. It turned back and started to run, but it was too late. The seagull grabbed it in its beak and flew away. "Let me go! What do you think you are, a weaseldamn eagle or something?" the meerkat screamed as it was carried away.

The paladin turned towards the lake and wasn't at all surprised when a fish burst out of the water. It was similar size to the previous ones, fiery red, held a sickle and a set of scales.

"Greetings!" Arthaxiom said. "So what was this all about? A comedy show too?"

"No, foolish mortal!" the fish boomed. "You are supposed to learn from this!"

"What can I learn from this? The meerkat insulted the seagull and the seagull grabbed it and flew away with it."

"That's exactly what happened," the fish confirmed. "And the lesson is: do not meddle in affairs of seagulls for they are subtle and quick to carry you away."

"That is a silly lesson," the paladin said.

"Some lessons are," the fish replied. "Do you know what kind of fish I am?"

"No. There was a fish of my past, there was a fish of my present and there was a fish of my future. I think there is nothing left."

"Well, wrong! I am the fish of your future past!"

"What?" The paladin couldn't make any sense from this.

"Future. Past."

"It does not make any sense!"

"Ah, you've seen through me. I am not really a fish of your future past."

"So what kind of fish are you and why are you here?"

"I am the Flaming Fish of Fury!" the fish roared and burst into flames. "I am here to get rid of you!"

"Oh carp."

"Oh carp indeed!" said the fish and slapped the paladin across the face. This fish was stronger than any of the others. Arthaxiom was screaming, burning and drowning at the same time.

-I-I-I-I-

General Roseduck exited yet another electoral meeting. He was currently experiencing yet another headache. Highlights of the day consisted of the Duke having a moment of inspiration and calling the Earl 'heavenly stupid holy bastard', the Marquis describing how the pigs had been eating the farmers in his youth, and the Baron suggesting that the next Emperor should be female. The General didn't know whether his wife had put him up to this or if it was his own stupid idea, or maybe he had simply done this on purpose to irritate the other lords. He was leaning towards the last one. The Baron was a man of simple pleasures, and infuriating someone was probably the only one he could find at these meetings. He wasn't too subtle about it, but no subtlety was needed to make the Duke drool with fury.

As soon as Roseduck left the Chamber of High Lords, his contingent of guards joined him. They started walking through the corridors towards the exit. Previously he was the least guarded High Lord, now he was the most guarded. It didn't make him feel safer. It made him feel stupid, but he knew that was the right thing to do. He almost hoped that the assassin would appear soon, because he was tired of feeling threatened. He quickly regretted that hope when the assassin appeared.

He simply emerged from behind a pillar and stood in the middle of the corridor, right in front of the General's column. He looked like a stereotypical assassin. Black clothes, black hooded cloak... and a knife in hand. Roseduck didn't like that at all. He realised how badly his guard was organised. The guards were walking in two rows on his sides. No guard was in front of him. That meant that the assassin had an easy shot.

"Happy Emperor's Day!" the assassin said and threw a dagger. Meanwhile Roseduck only managed to lift his hands to protect his face and neck. None of his guards even moved to position himself between the assassin and him. The dagger hit him in the chest.

The guards looked at the General. He looked at the dagger. It fell on the ground with a clang. He pointed at the assassin and shouted. "After him, idiots!" Only then did the assassin realise that he had failed due to Roseduck being unexpectedly armoured. He ran away. The guards ran after him. When the last two were passing by the General, he stopped them. "You two, wait with me! There might be more!"

And he was right. Just as the sounds of pursuit faded away, another assassin appeared out of nowhere.

"Help!" Roseduck shouted and hid behind one of his guards. Knives whirred through the air and suddenly he ended up holding that guard's body, while the other one was lying dead on the floor with a knife in his neck.

Now that was helpful of them was what raced through his mind, followed by Do I have to be sarcastic even in the face of death? and He's got another knife now I'm dead! He tried to cover behind the corpse he was holding, but he knew his chances were next to none.

There was a sound of a knife sailing through the air. There should have been a scream next. Instead, there was a clang and a voice saying "Hey, no killing Ducky, please." Roseduck never imagined he'd be so glad to hear Vannard. He peeked from behind the corpse. Two daggers were lying on the ground. Has he just hit a knife in mid air? The General didn't have time to fully fathom the extent of Vannard's skills, because more daggers were in the air. He barely managed to hide again. Fortunately this time he wasn't the target, at least that's what he assumed from the fact he was still unhurt.

"Keep on ducking, Ducky!" Vannard shouted.

"I'm ducking, I'm ducking!" Roseduck replied. Right now his nickname was more fitting than ever, but what was he to do? He didn't feel like risking a knife in the face.

"Feel free to surrender," Vannard addressed the other assassin. "Or you can continue throwing knives at me, that works too," he added, seeing that he was unwilling to give up.

Each missile was close to target. Extremely close, in fact. But each time Vannard managed to move away ever so slightly.

"Watch out for the pants, I just stole them yesterday," he mocked, as his opponent kept producing more and more daggers and throwing them at him, or rather at the wall behind him.

"I told you to stop stealing pants!" Roseduck berated him from behind the corpse. "I'm paying you more than enough to buy some!"

"Buying is no fun."

Finally, the assassin realised Vannard was unkillable and decided to run away. Vannard waved after him. "You can stop ducking now, Ducky."

"Thank you," the General said, but didn't stop ducking. He peeked carefully.

"Did you soil yourself?"

"I refuse to answer that."

"Ah. How many times?"

"Now can you stop being smug and run after him?"

"Sure thing, Ducky."

"And I want him alive!" Roseduck shouted after him.

-I-I-I-I-

Alexander was concerned. Arthaxiom had been unconscious for a few hours now. He knew the paladin was still alive, because from time to time he would mumble something barely understandable. Something about Heroic fish usually. At least this in itself didn't worry him too much, it sounded like something the paladin would say normally.

On the other hand, Gaduria and the Oracle didn't seem to be concerned at all. They were mainly arguing whether the Oracle should tell Gaduria about the ring or not and they were also being nasty to each other in process. They seemed to enjoy themselves in a way. The dwarf had no idea if they were becoming best friends or bitter enemies.

"You're not telling because you don't know!"

"Oh I might know all too well."

"Prove it!"

"You don't expect me to fall for this one, do you?"

In some ways Alexander envied the Hero that he didn't have to witness that.

"AAAAAAAAAH!" Arthaxiom screamed suddenly.

"What happened?" the dwarf asked, as he ran towards his friend. Two women approached without such hurry.

The paladin sat up. "Fire!" he screamed. "Fire! I am burning!"

"You're not!" Alexander shouted at him and grabbed his shoulders. "Settle down!"

The paladin refused to settle down. He started flailing his hands instead. "I am drowning, I am drowning!"

"You can't be drowning and burning at the same time," the dwarf pointed out. "Ow!" he shouted, because in response he got hit in the head.

"Let me handle this," Gaduria said. She approached the screaming paladin. SLAP! She slapped him in the face, hard. His head jumped back.

"Ouch!" he said and stopped flailing. His eyes focused on her for a second.

"Am I dead?" he asked. "Am I in heaven?"

SLAP! This time the hit came from the other side.

"Apparently not," he responded to himself.

SLAP!

"Definitely not."

SLAP!

"Can you please stop this? I am awake now, thank you."

"Awww, and I was having so much fun," Gaduria said sadly, but stopped slapping him.

"Do not worry, you will have many more opportunities in the future," the Oracle said.

"Is it a prophecy?" Gaduria asked.

"Might be."

"Might be?"

"Yes, it could be just an educated guess."

"Could you please stop trying to irritate me?"

"No."

"I knew it!"

"Could you perhaps pay some attention to me?" the paladin asked. "I have just returned from a trip to another plane of existence, or maybe to some strange place inside my own mind and yet you do not seem to take any notice of that."

"Hey, I slapped you back into this world!" Gaduria pointed out. "What more do you expect?"

"You could ask what did I see for example."

"I know what you saw," the Oracle said.

"I don't care what you saw," Gaduria said.

"It was probably only for you to see," Alexander suggested. "With you being a Hero and stuff."

The paladin sighed. "Very well. I will not say what I saw."

"That's the spirit!" Gaduria approved.

"I have a quest for you," the Oracle said, "because I just remembered I have this nice shield I could give you."

"The fish is working!" Arthaxiom exclaimed.

"Sure is," the dwarf agreed with him. Agreeing with madmen was always a good plan.

"My fish never worked. So I ate them," Gaduria said.

"A cruel and unusual punishment," Alexander replied.

"And a tasty one."

The Oracle ignored the fish discussion. "The quest is to bring me twenty left eyes of purple toads."

The paladin seemed disappointed. "That does not sound too Heroic."

"You had no qualms about badgers!" Gaduria pointed out.

"Badgers have teeth, you know. They are not defenceless. And I was to simply kill them, not to pluck their eyes out..."

"Twenty left eyes of purple toads for a shield," the Oracle interrupted. "Take it or leave it."

"Very well... where do we find these toads?"

"Here's one!" Alexander exclaimed. Indeed, there was a fat purple toad sitting on a rock. The dwarf slung a stone at it. It got hit, croaked sadly and fell on the ground, dead. Alexander approached the corpse and noticed that the deceased toad was a bit lacking in the left eye department. "Is the..."

"No." The Oracle sighed. "Sometimes I have these silly hopes that I'll be wrong for once, but it never happens. Typical. Just typical. A typical man. Male dwarves included," she added, before Alexander could protest. "The right eye is not okay. Obviously, I have already removed the left eyes from nearby toads. You will find some intact ones in the nearby forest. Also, please refrain from killing them. They manage quite well with only one eye. Oh, and Gaduria, please don't go with them. Trust me on this one."

-I-I-I-I-

Vannard raced through the corridors after the assassin. He was enjoying himself. That other guy was quite decent. Not as good as him, but reasonably skilled. Much better than anyone he had fought recently. He was quite pleased about that. It was a long time since he had some good practice. And he needed to practice, because practice makes deadly.

They ran through chambers, they ran through corridors. The other assassin ran as fast as he could, trying to avoid running into people. Vannard, on the other hand, preferred to push people out of his way. He pushed a cook into a cauldron of his own soup, he pushed a maid with a tray full of dishes down some stairs... No point in chasing each other through a crowded castle without causing random and hilarious damage. And nobody appreciated random and hilarious things, like for example a servant falling head first into and giant vase and getting stuck there with his legs dangling, more than Vannard.

Surprisingly, the chase was going upwards. Vannard assumed that his quarry would go downstairs and try to leave the building. He was wrong. They ended up on the roof.

It was windy up there. They stood opposite each other. Both of their cloaks fluttered ominously. It seemed as if they were on top of the world, although the ludicrously tall Tower of Mages spoiled the effect a bit. Vannard had this weird feeling that he was supposed to say something.

"That was fun, eh?"

"It was indeed," the other assassin replied, while slowly walking backwards towards the edge.

"Not going anywhere, are you?"

"Just a bit."

"You could surrender, you know."

"I'm afraid I cannot."

"Why not?"

"Because... I'm your father!"

Vannard was unimpressed. "I don't think so."

"Well, you're right. Because... I'm your mother!" The assassin was almost at the edge now. Vannard followed him calmly.

"You're not even female. Just give up, will you?"

"No, I am your uncle!"

"Slightly more likely, but still no. I really don't want to kill you. Well, actually I do, but I'm not supposed to. Just give up before I lose my patience. Unless you want to jump, but we're pretty high up here."

"Yes, I do. Was just waiting for a ride!" The assassin jumped.

"Did you consider the wind?" Vannard asked the empty air where his opponent had been just a second ago. Not receiving an answer, he went to the edge to see. He looked down and saw a cart full of hay riding out of the Imperial Warehouse. The assassin was lying right next to it. Looked quite dead and a bit flat. A herd of Imperial Geese was marching through him.

"Ducky won't be pleased about this."

-I-I-I-I-

The 'nearby forest' was indeed nearby and was indeed a forest. The small detail that the Oracle hadn't mentioned was that the forest was a bit swampy. Actually, a bit more than a bit.

"This is somewhat inconvenient," Arthaxiom remarked, wading through the mud.

"You don't say?" Alexander replied with irritation. Whereas the paladin was knee-deep in the bog, more than a half of the dwarf was submerged. He proceeded slowly, poking the muddy ground with his trident. He couldn't see where he was putting his feet, so he decided to at least stab the place he wanted to step on and see if it stabs back. He really didn't want to fall into some unseen hole or get attacked by something that didn't appreciate being trodden on.

The paladin had no such concerns. He Heroically strode forward, only stopping from time to time to wait for Alexander to keep up. While waiting, he was looking for toads. So far, they were out of luck. There were many things around, like trees, bushes, mosquitoes, suspicious looking logs, mushrooms, mosquitoes, swamp flowers, algae, newts, swamp mosquitoes, vines, dead trees, giant swamp mosquitoes... a toad! Arthaxiom spotted one, sitting nearby on some sort of swamp lily. Without a second thought, he threw himself at it. "Got it!" he only managed to shout before falling headfirst into the swamp.

Alexander abandoned caution and raced to help his friend, but there was no need. The paladin was already getting up, all covered in mud. "Got it!" he repeated, proudly. The dwarf approached to look. Indeed, Arthaxiom was holding something...

"Didn't you... squeeze... a bit too hard?" the dwarf asked as he saw blood oozing from between the Hero's armoured fingers.

"I... might have," the paladin conceded, slowly opening his hand. On the palm of his gauntlet there was something. Might have been a toad few seconds ago, but not anymore.

"Maybe take off your gauntlets?" the dwarf suggested.

"Good idea."

They continued their quest, the paladin now gauntletless. Nothing else to do but to proceed and enjoy the view. The view, which was rather unpleasant. The stench was even worse.

Soon, another toad was spotted. Arthaxiom repeated his diving into the swamp manoeuvre, but this time the toad was faster.

"Are you sure that's the best way to do that?" Alexander asked.

"I did not really think about that," the paladin replied. "Wait, I think there was something down there..."

"Like what, a stone? A log? Some foul creature of the swamp?"

Arthaxiom paid no heed to the dwarf's naysaying. With some effort he managed to dislodge and lift what he found. It was a breastplate, all covered in mud.

"See? Some other wise man who explored the swamp while wearing armour died here. Let's get out of here!"

The paladin ignored the suggestion. Instead, he started to remove the mud from the breastplate. It wasn't damaged and rusty, as one could expect. It was, well, shiny. Heroic even. "It is my size! The fish is working! The fish is working again! We must find the rest of it!"

"Of... the fish?" Alexander was somewhat confused.

"No, of the armour!"

"Ah. What about toads?"

"You catch them! I will look for armour pieces."

So Alexander continued his hunt for purple toads while Arthaxiom walked on all fours in the swamp in search for armour pieces. Soon, a toad was found. This time he decided against slingshotting it. He snuck upon it and hit it with his trident, stunning it. He took it in his hand to examine it. This one still had its left eye.

"Hey, Arthaxiom... how do we remove the eye?"