Losers: Part I

“Oh, shit!”

I grabbed for anything I could get a hold of as Lucas slammed on the gas. The El Camino pulled so hard I was pressed back into the seat as he rapidly shifted through the gears. The veins in his arms were swollen with tension, his eyes fixed straight ahead. The engine was so loud I could no longer hear the music; the vibrations shivering through my limbs.

It was like being on a rollercoaster, my body overwhelmed by the sheer power of the machine I sat in.

The Hellcat hovered right at the edge of my peripheral vision, almost perfectly even with the El Camino, as we flew down the road. Then suddenly, with a shocking metallic pop, it was gone.

Lucas burst out laughing, genuinely something I never thought I’d hear.

“Fucking money shift, asshole!” he yelled, glancing back in the rearview mirror.

Alex’s headlights swerved erratically in the side mirror, growing further and further behind as Lucas took the win. My adrenaline was pumping, my heart was pounding. Caught up in the rush, I let out a cheer before I even realized what I was doing.

The power in this car was shocking, but to see Lucas handle it that well — fuck, that was hot.

Lucas kept driving, the fields flying by on either side. When he finally began to slow his speed, I couldn’t even see the starting line behind us anymore.

He pulled off the road, the tires crackling on the dirt as he drove onto a narrow path that led back into a field of tall corn stalks. He pulled the hand brake, put the car in neutral, and let the song play out as we sat there in the field.

I tried to keep my eyes straight ahead, staring down the beams of the headlights. But the car felt so small and I couldn’t resist glancing over at the man beside me. His fingers were relaxed on the wheel and he was slouched in his seat, head leaned back.

Freshman year was the first time I’d met him. I could remember him picking fights with seniors, how rude he was every time he opened his mouth, how it seemed like he was trying to drive everyone away. Even Kyle avoided him.

He’d been dangerous and everyone knew it, including me. Yet, that hadn’t kept me away. His tough guy act had only made me more determined to prove I wasn’t scared of him. Everyone else may have been intimidated, but me? Lucas didn’t scare me.

When I turned to face him, he turned to me too. I had to ask. It was going to drive me mad if I didn’t.

“Did you fuck her?” I said, my voice as crisp and disinterested as I could manage.

He reached for a packet of cigarettes on the dash, the joy I’d so briefly glimpsed on his face now stone cold again. He lit up and took a long drag before he hung the cigarette out his open window and said, “Does it matter?”

I folded my arms, turning to face straight ahead again and going rigid in my seat. Of course it didn’t matter. I didn’t care. The leather seat creaked as Lucas shifted his weight, leaning toward me as he took another drag. His face was unreadable, cast in shadow.

“Well? Does it matter, Jess?”

I shook my head. He chuckled softly as I faced him again, shrinking the space between us even further.

“I don’t care,” I said. “But you have terrible taste.”

“Mm, do I?” He rested one arm on the back of the seat, the smoke from his cigarette drifting out the window in a thin stream. He smelled like tobacco and cinnamon gum, dangerous and unbearably sexy. “I guess that’s fair. I’ll fuck almost anyone as long as I can make them scream.”

It was way too hot in here. How the hell did we get so close? My stomach turned with anger, but my thighs squeezed together as I watched his lips close around the cigarette again.

“That’s a gross habit,” I said, and he lifted an eyebrow at me. He opened his mouth, keeping his dark eyes on me all the while, and stubbed out the cigarette on his tongue. He didn’t flinch, his expression didn’t even change.

“I think you have terrible taste too,” he said, and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but we were so close I could see the veins in the whites of his eyes and the pulse beating in his throat.

I grabbed his shirt, knotting it in my hands as I tugged him toward me, but he was already lunging forward, pinning me against the door as he kissed me.

I could taste the ash in his mouth, bitter and dark, but it felt so right. A kiss from Lucas Bent was supposed to hurt, it was supposed to drip with venom, and it did. His hand curled around my neck, his body pressing between my legs and spreading them open. My chest was heaving for air, but I couldn’t stop, didn’t want to stop. My heart was hammering, and I was so furious, so disgusted, so viciously turned on. His hand trailed over my body, rough and hard, when he pulled up my dress and pressed himself against me.

“Terrible taste,” he murmured again. “What are you fucking with trash for, huh? Pretty little thing like you.” His hand slid over my panties and cupped me, palm rubbing against me, making my breath hitch and a groan burst out of me. “But for your information, I didn’t fuck Veronica.”

I was ashamed of how relieved I felt. I jerked against his hand, his fingers stroking a teasing circle over my clit. I’d fantasized about this so many times. I’d spent so many months imagining myself with him. Only the tiniest amount of self-control had stood between me and this.

I wanted his fingers inside me. I wanted to shove him back and ride his cock until I came.

He held me pinned against the door, forcing another gasp out of me with his rough fingers.

“Isn’t this fucking typical?” he said. “You change your tone the second we’ve got some privacy.”

“Typical…” I could barely get my breath. “Wha-what the hell does that mean?”

He withdrew his hand, leaving me panting against the door in utter confusion as he said, “It means you’re a goddamn hypocrite.”

Instantly, like flicking a switch, my anger flared. But my legs were splayed around him obscenely, my panties damp with the arousal he’d ignited in me. Humiliation flooded me in a fiery wave.

“Excuse me?” My words trembled with adrenaline. “What the fuck are you doing? You can’t just…you can’t…”

“I can’t what?” he hissed. “I can’t stop? I already did. A taste of your own medicine, little ghost.”

I shoved his chest hard, and he laughed as he backed off. “Fuck you,” I muttered. “Seriously, fuck you, Lucas. I’m walking back. This is bullshit —”

I reached for the door handle, but he grabbed my arm, pulling me back. “Sorry, sweetheart, but you need to hear this. Don’t act shocked that I’m going to speak my mind. What the fuck is your deal? Here you are hanging out with the same assholes that tried to make our lives hell, but then you want to fuck around with us the second you have us alone.”

He may as well have slapped me. I blinked rapidly, my conflicting emotions choking my words.

“Do you have any idea how much it wrecked Manson when you ghosted?” he said. “He was so scared that he’d fucked up and hurt you, because you couldn’t manage some basic communication.” He shook his head, the disgust evident on his face. “I guess we all thought about it. That we’d pushed you too far.”

“You didn’t.” The words burst out of me so quickly I didn’t even think about what I was saying until it was already out. I’d known ghosting was shitty, but I genuinely hadn’t thought it would make them worry. “None of you hurt me. That night was weird…and amazing…and…” I shrugged helplessly. “I didn’t know what to do, okay? The next morning, I…I don’t know. It wasn’t supposed to be a long-term thing.”

He nodded slowly as he took in my words, staring at my hand as it lay on the seat.

My hand with the tiny heart-shaped cut on my finger.

I made a fist and snatched it back, but it was too late. He scoffed, leaning his head back as he looked at me.

“Those boys are everything to me,” he said. “They’re the closest damn thing to family I’ve got. But if I ever thought one of them had hurt you, I’d fucking beat their ass myself.” His expression left me no room not to believe him. He’d meant it, viciously. “But I know what you’re doing. You want to take as much as you can and give nothing back. You wanted us. You still do.”

He’d already proven it too. I didn’t have a leg to stand on, only anger and my battered pride.

“So what, Lucas?” I snapped. “What exactly was I supposed to do? Start hooking up with all of you? Date one of you? Am I supposed to put on a collar and submit?”

In the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind, I’d imagined what it would be like. No more games, no more one-night stands. What would my life be like if I embraced what felt so right and never looked back?

I’d let Manson fuck me with the knife he’d threatened my ex with. I’d let them cuff my hands and fuck my face, one after the other. I’d crawled, cried, endured, and come out on the other side feeling awakened. It was like nothing else I’d ever experienced. It had fulfilled a need I hadn’t known was there.

How could they even expect something like that to work? Why would they want it to work? My family would never understand, most of my friends would literally abandon me.

“That’s what you want,” Lucas said. “You wish you could, but you’re so hung up on what everyone else will think that you keep pretending to be someone you’re not. Is that really how you want to live?”

I shook my head. “You don’t get it. It’s not that simple. I don’t know why you think it’s simple.”

“Oh, but it is real simple, Jess.” His drawl got thicker the more irritated he became. “You want us and you don’t think you should. That’s why you act like this. That’s why you’re sitting across from me right now. You spent all of high school harassing us so you could be near us, so you’d have an excuse to flirt with what you knew you shouldn’t have.” He was still firmly in my space, crowding me but not touching me. “This isn’t high school. This isn’t one of your frat parties. We’re not kids anymore. Do you get that? It’s all in or nothing. Those boys are my brothers. They’re my family. They come before everything. You don’t get to manipulate us for attention.”

We sat there for a moment, silent, our eyes locked.

He was right. Guilt bubbled up in me despite my pride trying to beat it down. The games, the teasing, the constant back and forth — this couldn’t go on forever. Something had to give.

My eyes flickered down to his mouth. That hard, nasty mouth that had never been afraid to call me out.

“You know what you need, Miss Martin?” he said, his tone guttural with a promise that sent shivers over my back. “You need someone to take you in hand and put you in your fucking place. You need someone to take control, who won’t let you walk all over them.”

If he kept talking like that, I was going to end up with my legs splayed around him again in desperation. I squirmed in my seat, trying not to think of the myriad of ways he could take control right here and now.

Something like a smile twisted his mouth, dangerous and mean. “You need someone to punish you properly, fuck you good, and care about you enough not to let you hang out with friends who will stab you in the back the first chance they get.”

I was torn in two. On one side, I didn’t need that from them or anybody. I was perfectly fine. I had my life under control. I knew what I wanted.

On the other side, I wanted to lose control. I wanted to feel cared about and looked after. I wanted someone who could take command and wasn’t afraid to keep it. Someone I could lose myself in, let go, and be vulnerable with.

“Lucas…”

But he didn’t want to hear any more excuses.

“We’re not your pawns,” he said. “And we’ll do whatever we damn well please, including fuck who we want.”

He put the car in reverse and hooked his arm over the back of the seat as he pulled out of the field. He cranked the radio up, loud enough for it to be obvious he didn’t want to hear another word from me.

I grit my teeth. My stomach felt like a raging ocean was inside it, swirling and crashing as I dwelled on his words. He dared accuse me of only wanting their attention, like I was some spoiled child?

I absolutely hated it.

A crowd had gathered around the Hellcat as we approached the starting line. Alex was on the phone, pacing and yelling, his face bright red with fury. A sick feeling of trepidation slithered around inside me when I caught the look on his face — hateful, furious, almost murderous.

Lucas parked, and the moment he got out of the car, Manson was there, excitedly throwing his arms around him. Jason ran up to rub his head with a huge grin on his face as he said, “Fuck yes, dude, that was sick!”

Damn it, I never should have gotten into the car. My panties were damp and my clit was pulsing, the living embodiment of hot and bothered. I was so frustrated, so angry.

And it all was made so much worse by the fact that Lucas was right.

I jumped as the passenger door opened, and Vincent leaned down, a grin on his face. “I hope Lucas wasn’t too rough with you.”

“Oh, shut up.” I got up, squeezing past him. “God, you’re all intolerable.”

“Yeah, throw a tantrum a little louder, Jess!” Lucas yelled. “Cry about the attention you didn’t get!”

I wanted to kill him. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but word vomit was coming up and it was going to be messy. But as I turned, I realized someone else wanted to kill him a lot more than I did.

No one was prepared for how fast Alex ran up. Before anyone could react, he’d pulled back his fist and slammed his knuckles against Lucas’s face.