SWNOVELS Lilac: Chapter 32
In case anyone was wondering…no.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Being around them, I seemed to have developed this habit where I say one thing and do another. I was more than fine with the sex, but I was starting to think that it wouldn’t be enough. Why did I insist on spending the day with them? Why had I taken Rich’s hand? Why was I already plotting how to get Loren alone and Houston on board?
I didn’t understand any of it.
My body was winning this internal war while my heart was staging a coup and my brain was screaming that I was a fool.
We hit up Ripley’s Believe It or Not and then the Reunion Tower, an observation deck almost six hundred feet in the air. Unfortunately, Houston and Loren’s bad mood had cast a permanent cloud over our outing. Loren had broken his promise and was back to pretending I didn’t exist while Houston ramped up the dark looks that promised I’d regret crossing him. He intimidated me more than I let on, but as long as I didn’t turn into a doormat for Houston to wipe his feet on, I was fine pretending.
After the tower, Rich suggested that we find somewhere to eat, to which Loren claimed to have lost his appetite. By then, my guilt had dissipated entirely, and I was done with his bratty behavior. Letting go of Rich’s hand for the first time since we emerged from that tunnel hours ago, I used both of them now to press against Loren’s chest. It was hard and warm beneath my hands, but that was no longer relevant. I shoved Bound’s bassist backward right there on the crowded sidewalk.
He blinked those onyx eyes at me in surprise before steeling his gaze and pushing up on me. I was eight inches shorter and maybe a hundred pounds lighter, but that wouldn’t keep me from standing up to him. I was the first to speak since I started this in the first place. This was my show.
“Stop pouting.”
Loren never looked so offended in his life. “Come again?”
“None of you are entitled to me. I decide who gets me when I want to be had. You want something from me? Convince me you’re worth the time. Otherwise, suck it up. You might be used to getting your way, but I’m your new reality.”
He bared his teeth in a smile that was condescending and more condescending. “That’s big talk for someone who won’t be able to back it up. Make no mistake, Braxton, I’ll get you. You just better hope I don’t toss you back after I’m bored.”
I felt the words parting my lips. Loren wiped them away by yanking me into him and kissing me with everything he felt but was too much of a coward to say.
It was hard, passionate, raw, and messy—the culmination of everything Loren and I would be together if we ever gave in.
“Let’s get something straight,” he whispered darkly against my lips. “I’m the only one who had the balls to admit wanting you. Houston still denies you because you’ll always come second to Bound, and Rich…you might want to open your eyes, baby. He’ll never belong to you.”
I refused to let him see that he was getting to me. Everything he’d just said was everything I feared. “You might be right, but you’re also the only one who forced me to listen to him as he fucked someone else.”
In his eyes, I saw his guilt and the acceptance that he’d screwed our chance before we ever knew we wanted it before he pushed me away.
I stumbled, but then gentle hands helped me find my balance. I knew they belonged to Rich. I wanted to pull away and hated myself for letting the seeds Loren planted grow. What if he wasn’t just screwing with my head?
Feeling my stomach roil like a storm at sea, I pulled away from Rich’s touch just as Loren turned back in the direction of the car. We had no choice but to follow.
I’d lost my appetite too.
None of us spoke during the drive back to the bus. There was no handholding, kisses, or secret touches. Houston didn’t look at me, not even to make me squirm. Rich, on the other hand, couldn’t stop watching me as if he expected me to shatter at any moment.
Maybe I would.
Loren’s anger and accusations filled me with bitterness and insecurity until I slowly came to my senses.
I could never have all three of them. I didn’t factor in Loren’s volatility, Houston’s mistrust, and the secrets Rich was apparently keeping. Feeling the wonderful ache between my legs, I conceded that the day hadn’t been all bad. It had been great until Loren ruined it by being a brat.
I was even willing to shoulder some of the blame.
Seducing them was the easy part. What happens in the unlikely event that sex is no longer enough? What if I fell for one of them or worse…all of them? What. Happens. Then?
The only thing messier than sex was feelings.
Do I ask three men used to playing dirty to share me? How would I convince them? How would I convince myself? I’m not sure many women would jump at the chance.
In theory, my body reacted in favor of it.
Reality, however, was a judgmental bitch.
I tried putting myself in Rich’s shoes after hearing that I wasn’t complete with only him. He’d try just to please me until it shattered him completely. Loren gave me the strong suspicion that he’d been an only child. He’s never had to share before. Why should he start now?
And then there was Houston.
Morrow suffered a complex that told him he must control what he could possess and eclipse anything he couldn’t. Hoping he’d claim me while allowing his friends to stake their piece was a fool’s dream.
Making the sensible choice wasn’t something I was used to.
I gave up my innocence, knowing what it meant for my soul. I left home accepting that I may never fit in. I joined Bound, knowing that my bandmates hated me. I’ve filled my existence with challenges. They gave me purpose, a reason to keep fighting until the bloody end, and a distraction from the knowledge that nothing was waiting on the other side. I could live now and forget it all later.
Once again, defiance was staring me in the eye, waiting for me to pick up the gauntlet. I learned Bound’s music. I earned their respect and monopolized their desires.
But I couldn’t do this.
I couldn’t do what Oni had hoped when she chose me. All I’d end up doing was piling my broken pieces on top of theirs. Pain was all I had to offer Bound. That and my guitar.