Leave Me Behind

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Pete shoves me back against a tree and I let him. I’m still thinking about all the blood that spilled from her supple flesh a moment ago. The fire that lit her eyes and the way her thighs were rubbing together beneath me, trying so desperately to give herself a bit of relief.

Of course she liked that. Fuck. She’s messing with my head.

I drag my hand over my jaw and rub the soft fabric of my mask against my lips. I watch as Jefferson raises hell at the base. A flash of guilt rolls through me. I should have told him I was going to escalate things, but I didn’t even know what I was going to do until it was already happening. When she stared at me with all of that hatred burning in her eyes, I wanted to carve it out of her myself and that’s exactly what I did.

Eren is already stomping over here and looks livid.

Pete huffs and curses as he leaves, probably to go check on our little Bunny. It was just a small cut. I want to laugh at the dramatics my comrades are raising over it. Over a Riøt soldier, no less. Did they not see her enjoying it as I had? I think of how it may have looked from a different perspective.

Hm. Maybe I did go a bit too far, but the more she reacted to my touch, the more I wanted to see.

Eren reaches me and before he says anything, he strikes me across the face with his fist. It knocks the breath out of me.

He’s never struck me before. Ever.

I look back at him and his eyes are filled with rage. Over something that isn’t even his. My eyes dull and I regard him with little interest.

“Bradshaw. What were you fucking thinking?” His brows are pulled tightly in anguish. I know he’s concerned about my mind. I’ve always known it. Sometimes I wonder if it’s why we don’t mind staying on the dark forces. Here, I can let out the darkness inside. I think he’s known longer than I have. But I know about his inner monster too. “You’ll be punished for this. You know General Nolan has a liking for her.” He shakes his head and grits his teeth.

A pang of sorrow threads through my cold, dead heart. My brother is the only thing I have left in this life and I’m all he has too. But the sooner he realizes I’m going to die young the better. It’s a miracle I’ve made it this long given the line of work we’re in.

My thoughts trail off to Abrahm. It should’ve been me.

The coldness he left behind in my chest is like an infection that only continues to spread. I want to be in the ground and send him back in my place. It’s where I should be.

Eren is talking and lecturing me, but I don’t hear him. I look past him and stare at Bunny from afar. My comrades are swarmed around her, bandaging her side and apologizing relentlessly.

My eyes narrow and my teeth grind together. She’s bad. But the thought doesn’t carry to my chest with rage like it did a day ago, and that pisses me off.

If I have to break her hands to get her to quit, I will.

Bunny looks over at me, concern placed safely in those bright honey-toned eyes for me. I don’t see the resolve to quit burning there like I hoped I would. Instead there’s only fury and more willpower than there was before. More dark lust laying siege to those plump lips as she draws her tongue over them. No wonder her prior sergeant fell in love with her. He saw a little shadow and took it for himself.

I could never love a Riøt.

My fists clench at my sides. Why did it have to be her? Why did the only Riøt survivor have to be her? Her glare gives me an unwanted throb deep in my core. One that I refuse to look into and investigate properly.

I let my shoulders fall in a shameful slack and return my gaze to Eren.

He knows I didn’t hear a word of what he said and throws his hands in the air with exasperation.

“She can’t stay,” I say with finality.

Eren’s face is impassive at first, then his features soften with sympathy as he must see the pain in my eyes. He has always found things within me, even things I cannot see myself. I wonder if he sees how fucking tired I am. That, I feel.

“She’s not Abrahm. We need her,” he states.

I shake my head. “No, she’s not. And she’ll go worse than he did. She doesn’t care if she dies or not. She’s trained to be a suicidal death machine.”

Eren’s eyes widen. “You make it sound like you ca—” He cuts himself off and lowers his head, shaking it.

“Watch it,” I growl, shoving his shoulders back.

“Easy. I’m already having a shit night thanks to you.” He drags his hand down his face. His stubble has grown in since being out in the field. It makes him look five years older than me, but maybe it’s the stress. “So what if she dies on the mission? We only have one objective and it’s not getting her home. Stop fucking with the plan.” He pats my shoulder and my eyes flick back to her. I picture her dying and it’s a replay of Abrahm.

Memories of hot blood and sickening cries fall over me like a low tide, dragging me into the depths of my despair. This time though, instead of Abrahm’s trembling cold hands reaching for the light, I see hers.

My voice is callous as I firm my decision. “I’ll make her leave.”