Learning Curve

Wednesday, April 16th

Scottie

“Hey, Lonnie,” I hear my dad’s voice, and I open my eyes to find him on the phone. He stands up from the sofa to walk over to the windows. “Yeah, I know… I’m not sure when I’ll be back at work… Scottie is still in the hospital in Daytona… The doctors want to transfer her up to New York soon, but they want to send her to St. Luke’s in the city because they think their medical team is the best for rehabilitation.”

He pauses and sighs. “How much PTO do I have? I didn’t realize I was that low… Yeah, I hear what you’re saying… Okay… No, Lonnie, I’m planning on getting back to work as soon as I can… I’m going to need it…” His voice drops to a whisper. “I know Scottie’s medical bills aren’t going to be cheap. I can’t afford to miss paychecks right now…”

My heart breaks a million times over the stress and financial struggles my injury is going to put on my dad. My whole life, I’ve been focused on me, me, me, never really thinking too hard about all the sacrifices he’s made to help my cheerleading dreams come true.

And what has all of that gotten him? A daughter who will probably be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more worthless than I do right now.

My dad ends his call, and when he turns around, he sees that I’m awake. Thanks to all the feelings I’m having with literally no way to run away, I’ve been making excuses to sleep—or at least feign it—a lot. “Have a good nap?” he asks, his voice way too jovial for a man who’s currently trying to figure out how to keep his job while his daughter is in the hospital. “It’s getting late. I thought you might end up sleeping right through the night.”

I can’t even answer his question, my mind too focused on all the things I’m currently putting him through.

“I’m so sorry, Dad.”

His brow furrows. “Sorry? For what?”

“For this,” I say, and my lip quivers with unshed emotion. “For being here. For making your life harder. For all the times you’ve had to sacrifice I don’t even know what to pay for training and gymnastics and everything else that comes with a daughter who wanted to be a competitive cheerleader.”

“No, Scottie.” My dad is by my side in an instant. “Don’t do that. Don’t say that. You got injured, sweetheart. It was just one of those freak things that no one could’ve prevented. I’m thankful that it wasn’t worse. That it wasn’t life-ending. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I would’ve lost you.” He grabs my hand. “You’re my daughter, my little Scottie B. I love you, and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.”

Tears stream from my cheeks, and my dad wraps me up in big hug. “We’ll get through this, okay?” he says into my ear. “You’re strong, Scottie. And I know this is hard and I know it feels like life handed you a bag of shit, but you can do this. You can get through this.”

I nod even though I don’t feel a single ounce of strength. Maybe if this year had been easier, I wouldn’t feel so weak. Maybe I’d be ready to fight.

But I feel all used up and broken now, and I don’t know if I have any strength left.

“You good?” he asks, clearly uncomfortable sitting in the emotion. My dad is the kindest, most well-meaning human. But he’s not in touch with any of the feelings that start this deep, and I doubt he ever will be.

I force the fakest freaking smile to my lips. “Yeah.”

“Good,” he says and presses a soft kiss to my forehead. “You hungry?” he asks. “Wren and Finn ran to a burger joint across the street to get us some dinner. The nurses brought this tray about an hour ago for you, but it’s meatloaf.” He makes a disgusted face. “Personally, I don’t think I’d test hospital cafeteria meatloaf, but that’s just me.”

“I wouldn’t mind some fruit. Maybe a yogurt,” I acquiesce, naming off things that seem the least likely to affect my stomach. I have to think twice about everything I put inside my body because I currently have zero control when it comes out.

I can’t believe this is my life now.

The mere thought makes me want to break down all over again, but thankfully, my dad doesn’t notice.

“I’ll run down to the cafeteria and grab you a few things, okay?”

I nod. “Thanks, Dad.”

He presses another kiss to my forehead, and I swallow hard against the emotion clawing at my chest. I’m trying to be strong. Trying to hold it together. But it’s hard. So damn hard.

Once my dad is gone on his cafeteria mission, I grab my phone off the bedside table to give myself something to do other than think. There are so many notifications, it’s almost overwhelming just trying to see them all.

Texts from Kayla and Tonya and a few other girls from my team.

Texts from Julia and Ace and Blake and all four of Finn’s brothers and sister. Texts from Finn’s new brothers and sister.

Texts from Coach Jordan and a few of the girls in my dorm and my RA.

Missed calls from aunts and cousins on my dad’s side of the family.

Instagram and TikTok and Snapchat notifications.

Texts from my mother, all of which I delete immediately.

Everyone is sweet and kind and trying to show me support, but the reality is undeniable. The girl they knew isn’t going to be the same anymore, and the things we did together won’t be easily possible, if at all, for a very long time.

I have to ask for help to turn in bed, go to the bathroom, and put on clothes. I can’t wash by myself or jump up to grab a door if someone needs it held open. I can’t walk or run or wrap my legs around Finn’s waist if I want to, and no one is ready to face that reality yet.

Nothing in my life is like it used to be.

At some point, someone is going to have to start facing the hard truth head on.

“Hey there,” Finn greets as he walks into my room. He’s carrying two bags of food and a drink carrier with four sodas. “You feel better after getting some rest?”

“A little.” I punctuate the lie with a shrug. “Where’s Wren?”

“She’s taking a phone call in the lobby. I think it was someone from her job.”

Another person who desperately needs to keep their job, but because they’re here in the hospital with me, they’re missing shifts.

“Ace texted me,” he states as he sets the bags and the drinks on top of the sofa that he, my father, and Wren have been relegated to for the past few days. “Both he and Julia are working on getting notes for any classes we’re missing. And I also called Ty when I was on my way to get food. He told me to tell you not to worry about anything. He’ll talk with your professors and the dean.”

I watch Finn as he grabs a soda, puts a straw in it, and brings it over to me. “Do the Dew?” he teases, and it takes me straight back to when he handed me a can of Mountain Dew at the Alpha Pi Halloween Party. The night we had sex for the first time.

It should be a happy memory. Finn and I got past all those demons and reached the other side despite the fact that I broke his trust and trapped him into taking my virginity.

Now, though, I’m in precarious danger of trapping him all over again. In a life with me holding him back.

“You should go back to New York,” I blurt out, and his head jerks in surprise.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you shouldn’t stay here. You need to get back on campus. You shouldn’t be missing classes to stay here in the hospital with me.”

“I disagree, Scottie,” he says and sits down on the edge of my bed. “I don’t think I should be anywhere but here. With you.”

“No, Finn,” I refute, and when he reaches out to grab my hand, I pull it away. “You need to go back to New York.”

He doesn’t understand it now, but eventually, he will. He’ll find a way to move on, and he’ll find a way to meet someone who can give him all the things I can’t anymore.

His brown eyes search mine. “I want to be here for you, Scottie. I don’t want or need to be anywhere else but here, okay?”

Finn has his entire life ahead of him. And prior to everything happening with his dad, his life enveloped him in hell and held him there. But now, he doesn’t have to worry about his mom or Reece or Jack or Travis or Willow. He’s even gained a whole new set of siblings who have shown him nothing but love and support and acceptance.

Unlike mine, his future is bright.

If he keeps doing this, sacrificing important things in his life because of his paralyzed girlfriend, one day he’s going to wake up and regret it.

One day, he’s going to realize that I was holding him back.

And I refuse to let it go that far.

I need to rip off the Band-Aid now and set him free.