Learning Curve

Scottie

The concrete steps of the pedestrian court in front of Beckley Theatre chafe at my bare thighs as I look up into the streetlight so Kayla can grab the eyelash that’s worked its way into the corner of my eye.

We walked while I cried for thirty minutes or so, and then Julia suggested we sit down somewhere we recognized so we didn’t end up lost. It was a good idea. I’ve hardly spent any time on the east side of campus so far, and being this close to the football stadium will make it easy to find my way back to my dorm when I can get it together.

All my smoky makeup is caked beneath my eyes instead of on them—I can feel it—but Julia and Kayla have been nice enough not to mention it.

My breath comes out in a stuttered puff, the tail end of my sobs turning into uncontrollable shaking. Julia wraps an arm around me and rubs just as Kayla gets the offending lash.

“Got it!” she cheers, holding it up in front of me on her finger.

I laugh sardonically. “I think it’s a little late to make a wish on it, though.”

“I know you’re upset,” Julia says softly, squeezing at my bicep. “And you deserve to be after what happened back there.” Kayla nods in solidarity. “But I promise you, the only one who looks stupid is Dane. Outing all your business in front of everyone like that?” She shakes her head. “After being so rough with you in public?” She leans her head into my shoulder and hugs me. “You deserve so much better than that, and there wasn’t a single person at that party besides Dane and Nadine who couldn’t see it.”

Embarrassment sits on my lungs, heavy and all-encompassing, and it suddenly feels hard to breathe again.

I have two years of history with Dane, but with the way he’s been acting since we got to Dickson, all the history is starting to feel like it never even existed. It makes me wonder if my memories are clouded by rose-colored glasses.

Has he always been this way, and I just wasn’t letting myself see it? Or has he really changed into someone I don’t even recognize?

I let myself think of high school and the way things used to be. “He wasn’t like this,” I hedge carefully when the barrage of everything our relationship used to be makes me feel a little less crazy. I don’t want to defend him now—his behavior is unacceptable—but once upon a time, I loved Dane for a reason. “I know most people say that because they were ignoring the red flags, but I swear, for the first year we dated, our junior year, he was so patient and kind. He brought me flowers to school every day, even when his mom had to take him to get them because he hadn’t gotten his license yet, and he liked that I applied myself in my classes. He used to joke that he was going to be a house husband while I ran the world.” I shake my head as fresh tears form in the corners of my eyes and threaten to fall. “I don’t know what happened.”

Kayla shrugs in front of me, grabbing my knee and squeezing. “You outgrew him, and I think he knows that.”

Julia nods. “If he belittles you, he thinks it’ll make you slow down. But Scottie, you don’t deserve to slow down for anybody. The right guy’ll ride a rocket to the moon if you’re inside it, you know?”

I nod. They’re right. And I know it. I just can’t believe it all had to happen this way.

“You guys, I’m going to be okay.” I stand from my spot on the steps and brush off the back of my dress. “You can go back to the party.”

“Are you sure?” Kayla asks, standing up in front of me and dabbing at the mess on my face one more time.

I nod.

But Julia eyes me with concern.

“I promise. I’m okay,” I say, my words only a little more resolute than I’m feeling. “It’s time for the whole thing with Dane to come to an end. I’m tired of trying to find a way to fix him. I’m tired of giving him the benefit of the doubt. I’m just…tired. But no conversation is going to happen tonight, so for now, I just need to climb under my covers and rest.”

A girl should feel safe and protected and loved by her boyfriend. Not like she’s walking on eggshells all the time out of fear she’s going to do or say something that will upset him.

“He’s an asshole,” I say out loud. Kayla’s and Julia’s eyes go wide, but they also both nod. “No matter who he used to be, now, he’s, like, a really huge asshole,” I add. “The other night, I was scrolling through TikTok, and this girl on my FYP was talking about how her ex was a narcissist, and everything she was describing is exactly what Dane does to me. Do you think he’s a narcissist?”

“Girl, I’m certain he is,” Kayla comments without hesitation. “He’s always gaslighting you. Always doing whatever he can to make you feel bad. He’s a dick. A total fucking dick. And with the way he acted tonight, it honestly makes me worried for you.”

“Do you think the same thing?” I look at Julia. “I mean, this was the first time you met him…”

Julia nods. “My dad is like the chillest, most understanding guy on the planet, but if he found out a guy I was dating was treating me like that, I honestly think he’d end up in prison on murder charges.”

“So, it’s just as bad as I think it is.” I cringe. “Good thing you’re dating a guy like Ace. He seems like a real character, but also, a total sweetheart.”

“Oh, hell no.” Julia laughs. “I’m not dating Ace. He’s legit just a friend.”

“What?” Kayla whips her head toward Julia. “Seriously?”

“I’ve known Ace my whole life. We’re just friends.”

“Are you sure?” Kayla questions. “Because I thought you two were together.”

“Holy moly! Yes, I’m sure!” Julia exclaims on another laugh. “Ace and I aren’t like that. We’re just good buddies.”

Both Kayla and I share a look, and Julia doesn’t miss it.

“Stop it right now,” she says through a snort. “We are just friends. Period. End of story.”

“Okay.” Kayla grins. “You’re just friends. But when you end up marrying him, I’m going to remind you of this conversation.”

Julia snorts. “You’re insane.”

A yawn makes my mouth gape and my cheeks shake, and Kayla gives my shoulders a squeeze. “You sure you don’t want us to hang out with you tonight?”

“I’m positive.” I pull her in for a hug. Then, I do the same to Julia. “You guys are the best. Thank you for taking care of me. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Oh wait!” Julia says and pulls out her phone. “I need your digits, girl.”

It doesn’t take long before we both have each other’s numbers, and I’m heading back to my dorm while they go the other direction, back toward Sorority Row.

The walk to Delaney, the girls’ dorm, is a short trek through Wheaton, where the teachers’ offices are, and then a quick jog across Broadway. There are people everywhere, despite the fact that it’s late, and I feel surprisingly safe even though I’m by myself.

The door on the Broadway side doesn’t have a key scanner to get in when the doors are locked—a fun little fact I forgot—so I round the corner onto 116th Street to go in the entrance at the end of the building. I dig in my bag for my key for a full minute before finally finding it, and unfortunately, by the time I look up, there’s no time to turn around.

Dane. He’s sitting on the steps in front of the door, hard eyes on me as I approach.

“Where the hell did you go?” he questions, his mouth set in a firm line. He stumbles to his feet just as I reach the first step. “I’ve been waiting for you here for hours.”

I know for a fact that it hasn’t been hours—it’s only been a little more than an hour since I left the party altogether. He’s just too drunk from all the alcohol he’s consumed tonight—I can still smell it wafting off him—to have any real concept of time.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“Scottie, don’t be like that. Let me come up.”

“No.” I shake my head, and when he tries to grab my hand, I yank it away from him.

“What the fuck, babe?” he questions and steps closer to me. “Just let me come up.”

I crowd the door, but I don’t unlock it yet. “Good night, Dane.” I don’t know what I think he’ll do—if he’ll rush the door and overtake me or something—but he’s been just unpredictable enough tonight for me to question it.

“Why are you being such a bitch?”

The tension in my shoulders and the knot in my stomach tighten like vises. I’m stretched to the max capacity, my heart feeling like it’ll jump outside of my chest at any moment from pure desperation, and his words are my tenuous hold’s undoing. This conversation should be happening tomorrow, when he’s sobered up, but I can’t do this anymore.

I need finality now.

“Dane, it’s over.” The words are harder to choke out than I expect. There’s so much history, so much heart between us. But more than that, in this moment, there’s fear. A whole hell of a lot of it.

And that’s a giant red flag. I won’t allow myself to ignore it.

“What did you just say?”

I swallow hard. “I said, it’s over.”

“You’re breaking up with me?”

I nod.

“You’re breaking up with me?” he questions again, a scoff leaving his lips. “Wow, Scottie. How fucking pathetic are you?”

I shake my head. It’s so disappointing to watch someone you once loved become so cheaply callous. “Goodbye, Dane.”

“So, that’s it? Two years together and that’s all you’re going to say?”

With the way he’s treated me for the last month and a half, I don’t know where he finds the audacity to be sentimental about all the time we’ve spent together, but it does strike a nerve. I don’t want it to, but it does. “We aren’t who we used to be, Dane. Either of us. You crossed a huge line tonight, and regardless of the past, I’m unwilling to let it happen again. I can’t be with you.”

“You’re such a bitch, Scottie.” A maniacal laugh jumps from his lungs. He steps closer to me, and for the first time, real dread sends a chill down my spine and into a tingle in my toes. His previously mellow eyes are a harsh storm of malice, and I don’t know what he’s going to do next.

“Everything okay here?” an uncharacteristically strong female voice asks. I look around Dane’s imposing body to see the source. It’s a girl from my dorm, obviously coming home for the night. She’s got copper-red hair and fairylike features, but I swear the tone of her voice made her sound six feet tall. I’ve never met her, but I’ve seen her around.

“Everything’s fine,” Dane slurs. “Mind your business.”

The girl looks at me for a real answer, and I know by the way my teeth are chattering that my smile is shaky at best.

She reaches out to grab my hand, boldly putting her body between Dane and me. “Ready to call it a night?” She’s asking, but she’s not asking. We haven’t stopped moving since she gripped me.

I don’t dare look over my shoulder to see what Dane is doing. Instead, I clutch her hand probably way too tightly as she unlocks the entrance door with her keycard and puts herself between me and Dane.

As soon as we’re inside, she slams the door closed with a click.

Dane stands there staring at me through the glass, but she doesn’t let me be a part of it for long, dragging me up the stairs a flight and out of sight.

“You going to be okay?” she asks when we stop. Her honey eyes are so sincere, I can’t stop myself. I reach out to pull her into an abrupt hug. She gives me more than I can ask for by squeezing me back.

“Thank you,” I whisper into her ear. “Just…thank you.”

When we pull away, she wipes a tear I didn’t even realize I’d shed from my cheek with the edge of her sweatshirt sleeve. “Is that guy your boyfriend?”

I shake my head. “Not anymore.” The words don’t quite feel real, but they do feel right.

“Good,” she says. “I’m Carrie, by the way.”

“Scottie.”

Her smile pulls down at the corners of her long-lashed eyes. “I hope to see you around under better circumstances.”

I nod. “Me too.”

“If you’re good now, though, I’m headed to bed. I’m exhausted.”

I crack a smile of my own—a real one. “Me too.”

With one last wave, Carrie climbs to the third floor before dipping through the stairwell door to head to her room. I stay on the second so I can make a stop at one of the vending machines. I’m on the fifth floor, and vending is only on the even numbers.

I grab a bag of pretzels and some M&Ms and then jog up the three remaining floors of stairs, practically sprint down the hallway, and lock myself in my dorm room. Tonight, of all nights, I’m thankful that I don’t have a roommate. I was supposed to, but according to my RA, the girl backed out of admission right before move-in day. All the other girls of Delaney are stuck sharing their space and their toilets with other girls. I have to go to the communal bathroom for showers, but I at least have my half bath to myself.

It’s not long before I’m under my comforter, eating my pretzel and M&Ms mix from a bowl, and scrolling mindlessly on my phone.

With the weight of the evening, stupid internet content seems like the only way to shut my mind off enough to be able to sleep.

It’s only when I close out all my apps to finally give in to exhaustion that I see the little red number two on my messages icon. I open it immediately, hoping it’s not Dane.

The first is from Wren, babbling about some movie scene starring Glen Powell, which I’m sure will seem more worthwhile tomorrow.

But the other is from an unknown number and makes me sit up in bed with a scoot, turn on my bedside lamp, and put on my glasses.

Are you okay? It’s Finn.

Finn. Holy shit. My heart pounds furiously inside my chest, tripping on itself every time I try to take a breath. My hands shake as I program his number into my phone and try to find the right words to say back.

Me: Yeah, I’m okay.

It’s a ridiculously simple message that makes me roll my eyes, but it’s the best I can come up with under this kind of duress. My head is still spinning from the whole freaking night. Not to mention, he texted this a while ago, so who even knows if he’ll text ba—

Finn: I know you have friends, but if you’re ever looking for someone you can come to when things get bad, you can come to me.

Me: When things get bad?

Finn: Scottie, your boyfriend shouldn’t treat you like that.

Me: I guess it’s a good thing he’s not my boyfriend anymore, then.

Finn: You’re done?

Me: He showed up at my dorm tonight after everything. I broke up with him.

Finn: Okay, then. Good.

Okay? Good? That’s it? I bounce up and down in my bed, shaking my hands in a silent scream. Where the hell am I supposed to go from here? I can only think of one thing to say, and it feels unbearably pathetic. Desperate, I send it anyway.

Me: I guess I’ll see you in class, then?

Finn: Yep.

Yep. Gah, why are boys so hard to understand? Is he just a short texter? Is he over it? What the hell is he thinking?

I take a deep breath in and close my eyes to calm down. Scottie, you need to chill.

Right. Well. Okay. I mean, whatever. At this stage of the game, I need to focus on myself anyway. Dane and I have been together for the majority of my transition to adulthood. Half the time, I’m not even sure I know who I am anymore.

For now, I need to think about me, so Finn Hayes’s text messages and what they may or may not mean don’t matter anyway.

Right?

Right.

Me: Goodnight, Finn.

Finn: Goodnight, Scottie.