Kanin

I tried to wait up for Jax, but I could barely keep my eyes open. Before I knew it, Cade was leading me towards my bedroom. I didn’t protest as he pushed open the door and watched me take a seat on the bed.

“You said you guys had a connection or something, right?” I asked Cade as he stood leaning against the doorframe.

He only nodded.

“Is Jax okay?” I questioned, wringing my fingers together. I felt horrible that I had been the one to cause the normally calm and collected alpha to shift out of anger. It’s not like I didn’t mean the words I’d said to him, because I did, but I regret saying them out loud. I was trying so hard to remember what Arya had told me, that Jax was only trying to protect me. It was just hard to see it that way when he made me so angry.

Cade sighed heavily, closing his eyes for a second. He looked like he was concentrating hard on something, his eyebrows furrowed hard together and his muscles tensed. When he opened his eyes again, for a split second they were red. “Yeah, Trent caught up to him, he’s still trying to talk him down out of his shift though.”

He had just tapped into their telepathic connection.

“So, they’ll be back soon?”

Cade nodded, “I wouldn’t wait around for them though. You should get some rest. You’ve had an adventurous couple of days.”

I laughed dryly. That was putting it mildly. More adventure had happened in the last couple of days then in my whole life. I could hardly imagine my life before all this mess, even though it was barely a week ago, I was just a normal teenaged girl disobeying her father’s rules. Yeah, my mom was murdered when I was young, but other than that I lived a boring life. Then suddenly, I’m swept into this vortex of weird and supernatural. Not to mention the fact that my father secretly lived a double life, one that involved him killing creatures that shouldn’t belong outside of books and movies. I felt like I was the star of my very own horror slash tragedy novel, one that didn’t end in happily ever after.

Cade was still standing there when my attention reverted to the real world. He was staring at me hardcore, with eyes that hinted at amusement. This was as serious as I’ve ever seen him. Cade was known for his loopy smiles and sense of humor. Now, he was nothing but serious. “I’m worried about you.” His usual light voice hinted at the seriousness that his face portrayed.

I was worried about me, too.

“You have to promise me that you’ll start following rules, Kanin.” Cade insisted, his arms crossed over his broad chest. “You’ve seen where your disobedience has gotten you.”

Yeah, I had. It had gotten me kidnapped by a ruthless alpha. It got me hunted by a rival’s pack werewolf, Ean. To top it all off, I was supposed to be meeting another alpha that supposedly killed anyone that she felt didn’t belong, which was me to be exact. I didn’t belong anywhere it seemed.

“You sound like Jax.” I tried to joke, but there was no humor left in my voice.

Cade let out a small groan, “This is the only time I’ll ever say this, and believe me it hurts me worse than it hurts you, but I think he’s right.”

“What?” I was shocked. Cade was agreeing with Jax? How could he? Jax was taking things too seriously. Every time I turned around he was threatening to kill me. He was keeping me in the dark and wouldn’t tell me anything. There was no way that Jax was right. “You’re kidding me, right?”

Cade stepped into my room and plopped down beside me, “I’m not. Jax is vicious and powerful, but he’s also strong and wise. He’s been able to keep all of us alive and safe. He protects his kind.”

“But I’m not his kind, Cade.” I shook my head.

“You’re under his roof, Kanin. Right now, you’re under his protection.”

"Protection?” I stood to my feet quickly. “Why does everyone keep saying that? It’s like your forgetting that he kidnapped me! It’s like you don’t care that he threatens my life every chance he gets. He doesn’t care about me! I’m like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. He’s not protecting me! He’s just using me until he gets what he wants. When he does, he’ll kill me without hesitating.”

“You don’t know him.” He said simply.

“I don’t need to.” I crossed my arms over my chest and took a step back. I felt like I couldn’t get far enough away from him. “He’s told me to my face that he basically despises me.”

“Not everyone says what they feel all the time, Kanin.” Cade insisted, trying to calm me down, but I was past calming down. I was livid.

“You’re acting like Jax has feelings, because he doesn’t. He doesn’t care about anyone or anything.”

Cade sighed and then stood to his feet. He looked at me once before retreating to the door again, “You don’t know him, Kanin.”

I watched as he disappeared out into the hallway, shutting my door as he did. I was beyond mad now. How could Cade stand there and defend Jax? Yeah, it was his alpha and he had to take his orders, but Arya had said they didn’t have to agree with him. Yet, Cade was. Cade of all people was agreeing with Jax. It seemed impossible. They were two completely different people. Cade was light and funny, he didn’t seem to have a serious bone in his body. Unlike Jax who was all seriousness and anger. Jax seemed to hate everyone, while Cade was a people person. How could they agree with each other?

I plopped back onto my bed and screamed into my pillow. Everything was a mess, always a mess. I turned over onto my back and stared up at the blank ceiling. I missed home. I missed home so bad that it hurt. More than anything, I missed my father. I felt like he’d betrayed me, but I missed him so much. I’d give anything to wake up in my bed and have all of this be one twisted nightmare.

But then there wouldn’t be a Cade. If none of this had ever happened, I never would have met Cade. Was it worth it?

I closed my eyes against the insistent headache that was making its home behind my eyes. Too many thoughts swirled inside my head, too many things that I couldn’t change. I didn’t want to dwell on it. I didn’t want to overthink anymore, but sadly that’s who I was. I over thought everything. That’s what left my brain feeling like mush.

I must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing I knew I was startling awake to a sound in my room. I didn’t move, didn’t hint that I was awake. I tried to calm my racing heart. I listened closely around me. I opened my eyes and looked towards my door. Someone was making their way inside, stopping in the doorframe. I thought it was Cade for a second, but the closer I looked the more I realized that it didn’t resemble the brown werewolf at all.

My breath hitched in my throat and my heart constricted. Jax moved soundlessly into the room, stopping at the foot of the bed for a moment. He looked down at me, his arms fisted at his sides. If he knew I was awake, he said nothing. I watched as he sighed and ran a frustrated hand over his face. He then moved back against the wall opposite of the bed and leaned back against it. I watched his knees give out and his back slide down until he was seated on the ground.

I closed my eyes tightly, fighting the sudden urge to cry. I wanted to say something, but my brain wouldn’t form any words. What would I even say? I’d already apologized to his wolf form. It’s not like I’m going to take back anything I said. He needed to know that I wasn’t going to fold at the first sight of trouble, that I wasn’t going to follow his every command. That’s not who I was.

Instead of speaking, we both sat there in silence. He knew I was awake, he could hear my erratic heartbeat, but he said nothing. I could hear his steady breathing from across the room. I could see his form sitting on the ground. He had his knees bent and his arms folded across them, his head was bowed in defeat.

Maybe he was only in here because he’d given the order that I had to be watched all the time. But Cade could’ve done that. Besides, I didn’t think Jax wanted to be around me at all. I would’ve thought he’d avoid me like the plague after I’d caused his shift. Instead, here he was watching over me in the middle of the night.

That didn’t make any sense.

I was so tired that I couldn’t bring myself to over think it anymore. I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep with his presence in the room. Instead, I felt completely safe and calm. Which was a change from how he normally made me feel.

What was going on?

“I’m sorry.” Came his voice as soon as I was on the edge of sleep. I didn’t miss the way his voice sounded weak and defeated. Apart of me wanted to get up from the bed and hug him tight. I had the urge to hold him until he no longer sounded like that. The sound was so unlike him that for a moment I felt a physical pain in my chest.

I didn’t get up though. Instead I let my mind shut off and I fell asleep soundlessly.

The next morning I pull myself out of a dreamless sleep. The sun is shining brightly through my window. For a moment, I’m lost in the peace and quiet. For a moment, all my worries and cares are gone. I’m not thinking about what has happened the last week. I lay still, facing the wide windows that overlook the forest.

Then, the tidal wave descends upon me. The memories come creeping back into my mind. The fear starts replacing my once calm feeling. Once again, I’m thrown back into the real world and I want so much to be back in my sleeping world. I want to close my eyes and let my mind take me away.

But I can’t.

I can’t ignore what is happening, because whether I like it or not it is happening. Nothing can change that.

Then my mind drifts to Jax.

His face flashes across my mind now, along with the image of his black werewolf form from last night. Last night, I had caused him to shift. I had made him angry. I had caused him to lose control. Which was so unlike him. Usually, Jax was calm and in control. Which in turn made me completely angry. I hated how he was so emotionless all the time, like he didn’t care about anything or anyone.

But last night, maybe things had changed. For a moment, he wasn’t emotionless. For a short time, he had let his guard down. I had seen the anger and pain in his wolf’s red eyes. Maybe he chose to feel nothing at all, because it was easier that way. Whatever it was, something had caused Jax to be like that.

And for some reason, I wanted to find out what that something was.

There was a knock at the door then, drawing me from my thoughts. A second later, Cade stepped into the room. He looked exhausted. He had dark circles under his eyes and his usually messy hair was even messier. He was pale, which made his fading bruise more prominent.

I sat up, “Cade, did you sleep at all last night?”

He shook his head, but cracked a smile, “Up too late partying I’m afraid.”

What had he really been doing?

I didn’t push it, but I had a feeling it had something to do with Jax’s shift last night. I wasn’t sure what time Jax had sneaked into my room. Maybe it was late or even early morning. I wondered if Cade had stayed up all night to wait for his Alpha to return.

“Are you hungry?” He asked, once again breaking me from my thoughts.

I nodded, “Can I take a shower really quick?”

“Just come down when you’re ready.” Cade scratched the back of his neck, yawned, and retreated from my room.

I put my bare feet to the carpet and stood up. I needed a shower desperately. I hadn’t changed from my work out clothes before falling asleep last night. I stepped into the bathroom off my room. I studied my reflection in the mirror and realized I looked just as tired as Cade had been.

I let my dark hair out of its braid, stripped my clothes off, and stepped into the shower. I let the hot water melt away some of my stress. I stood under the stream longer than I intended to. When I stepped out, I left my hair natural and stepped into the room to look for a pair of clothes. I pulled on a pair of skinny jeans and a regular t-shirt. Slipping my boots on, I stepped out into the hallway.

I looked over the balcony, but saw no one. I took the stairs down and into the kitchen. Cade was seated at the island, his head resting on his folded arms. He was breathing deeply and his eyes were closed. He was asleep.

I smiled and stepped towards him. He jerked awake quickly before I reached him. His sleepy eyes instantly going to me. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

He shook his head, “No, it’s alright. I was just waiting for you.”

“Breakfast?” I asked.

He nodded and stood up. I watched him rummage through the cabinets. He found the waffle batter and heated up the waffle iron. I took a seat where Cade had been and watched him work, “Where is everyone?”

“Trent’s around here somewhere.” He said, whisking the ingredients into a large bowl. “Jax is sleeping.”

“He came home late, then?” I asked.

He nodded, “It took Trent awhile to talk him out of his shift. Didn’t get him home until after four in the morning.”

“He’s okay?”

“Just exhausted.”

“That’s why you’re tired? You stayed up waiting for them.”

“You caught on to that, did you?” He chuckled.

“So, you do care about your alpha. How sweet. I teased.

I didn’t have to be looking at his face to see that he was rolling his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, he better not get used to it.”

“What’s the beef between you guys anyway?” I asked curiously.

Cade said nothing for a moment, “Long story for a different day.”

I had a feeling that day was never.

I let it go and instantly changed the subject, “Cade, should I apologize to Jax again?”

Cade spun around and looked me over, “No. Knowing Jax he’ll want to forget it ever happened. He doesn’t like to relive things.”

I don’t think I could ever forget that it happened. I could still see his shift when I closed my eyes. I could still see the pain and anger in his eyes. I could still hear his growls. It wasn’t something that you just get over and forget. Not for me anyway.

“Trust me, Kanin, just don’t talk about it anymore.” Cade told me as he loaded the waffles on a plate. He placed two of them in front of me along with the syrup and butter. I thanked him and dug in, for the moment forgetting about Jax’s shift.

After I was finished, I took my plate to the sink and made my way into the living room. Cade was already there, curled up in the recliner. He was asleep again. The TV was on, playing some old movie I’d never seen. I heard footsteps coming and a part of me hoped it was Jax. It was Trent instead.

“Oh, Kanin.” Trent stopped before the couch that I was sitting on. “Can I get your help in the kitchen?”

“Sure.” I said and followed him, stealing one last glance at the sleeping Cade before I went. “What’s up?” I asked, leaning back against the counter and looked up at him.

“With all the commotion, I forgot about that thing I bought for you.” His eyes skirted quickly around the room, to make sure that no one was watching. His voice was merely a whisper as well.

I was instantly alert.

My burner phone.

I had completely forgotten about that.

I watched Trent dig in his pocket and bring out the small black device. He handed it to me and I took it in a shaky hand. I knew Trent could hear my erratic heartbeat. I stared down at the phone. I could easily send a coded message to my father. Trent would hear my heart beat and know I was lying, but it would be too late for him to do anything about it. There were so many words I could use. My father had made sure we had a distress signal just in case something went wrong. It was a simple code, something that no one would second guess if they saw it. I’m O.K with one dot meaning that I’d been kidnapped. I’m O.K. with two dots meaning that I was hurt. I’m O.k.! with an exclamation point meaning both.

But, I couldn’t bring myself to type any of them. I stared at the phone for too long. I willed myself to send my father one of the codes, any of them. But my fingers wouldn’t work.

Then, my mother’s face flashed across my mind. The picture I’d found in Jax’s office. He knew about my mother. I had to know what really happened to her. Cade had mentioned something about my secret’s when I first got here. I needed answers.

That’s why I struggled to do what I was about to. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I handed the phone back to Trent. My father would find some way to find me if I sent him a message. He would know that something wasn’t right with any words I sent him. That’s why I couldn’t send him anything. I needed answers.

When I first came here, I was a prisoner. They had kidnapped me.

Now, I wanted to be here. This is where I had to be to get my information.