Just One of the Guys

Corbin

*God! I'm such an idiot*.

I don't know what I was thinking. It seems like such an inconsequential thing, taking a fry off his plate, but that's something that I would do if he were my boyfriend or something. But he's not, no matter what I may want. He's just a guy that I go to school with, and I'm just another guy-a bro.

To him, I'm not Averi.

Looking at Knox, and then around the rest of the table at the shocked faces flitting back and forth between Knox and I, something broke inside of me. The understanding and pity on Gentry's face didn't make it any better either, if anything it made it worse.

And Knox snapping at me definitely put me in my place, reminding me that I shouldn't have let myself be comfortable and let my guard down. I'm here to hide and blend in, not to make friends or find a boyfriend. Cutting things cold turkey with him was for the best, no matter how much it tears me up inside every single time I see his handsome face. Nor every time I think about how good it felt being wrapped up in his arms before I snuck out of his bed like a thief in the night after we'd stayed up most of the night talking.

Unable to look at him-any of them any longer, I walk away, glancing back momentarily to see Knox's eyes following me as I exit. The tears start before I'm even fully turned away.

Walking down the corridor, I head toward my apartment, trying to calm down and stop the flow of tears before someone sees, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to make them stop.

Everything has just come crashing down. I've been barely holding on by a thread since the moment I stepped foot in this godforsaken place. Don't get me wrong, it's not been all bad. I've made a few friends, I've had some incredible moments with Knox, some that I wouldn't change and will never forget but it is not *home*. And I guess him snapping at me was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Or broke the floodgates wide open, in my case.

I miss my mom, brothers, and sisters so damn much it hurts. My heart literally aches every time I think about them and the fact that I may very well never see them again. It kills me.

It's not fair.

I make it to my apartment, tears still streaming down my face, and fall face-first into my bed, not bothering with the covers as I curl up into a ball and just let it all out.

*Crying can be good for the soul, right? It's supposed to be cleansing or some crap*, I think. Either way, I don't think I could stop even if I wanted to. This has all just been too much. What happened having to leave my mom, my rock- leaving behind my siblings and best friends. Coming here to a place where I knew no one and nothing. Where I was a nobody...where I'm a boy.

*I don't want to be a boy*.

*I want to be me*.

*I was born a girl; I've got all the girl parts*.

*I still get my damn period, for Christ's sake*.

*And yet, I have to play the part of Corbin. Regardless of what I or my heart wants*.

*And then there's Knox.*

Every night my dreams are haunted by his handsome face, as memories of us together play over and over again like a never-ending movie, causing me to face my heartbreak and stupid decisions every morning and prepare for the heartbreak every night before closing my eyes.

The time that we did spend together, the moments where I could have sworn I saw something close to love in his eyes, even the tough times that we had, they all meant absolutely *everything*.

And yet it kills me knowing that's all that we'll ever be. That's all that we can ever be a once was; a has been.

Another round of tears hit as I mourn for all that I have lost in a matter of months.

I'm almost eighteen.

It's my senior year.

*These are supposed to be some of the best years of my life and yet...it's my worst nightmare*.

Broken, heart-wrenching sobs leave me as I settle in for the ride, letting it all out.

Punching my fists into my mattress, I bury my head into my pillow and scream, praying that once I'm all cried out, I will be cleansed. Praying that I can just move on and live my life as I'm supposed to. As Corbin.

I can be Corbin as a girl once I graduate.

But for now...

"What the bloody hell?" someone utters as the click of my door shutting registers in my brain.

It's at that moment that I realize that I forgot to lock it.

*Damn it*!

*How could I have been so stupid?*

I know who just walked into my apartment. There's no way that I could miss that British accent, and knowing that it's him? It just makes me cry harder. I don't want him to see me like this. He *can't* see me like this and yet...

"Corbin?"

He sounds so confused, not that I can blame him, I'd be confused if I were him too.

*Why would a guy be bawling his eyes out and wailing like a broken little girl?*

*Oh right, one wouldn't be.*

Warning bells are going off, screaming at me inside of my head at how dangerous this situation just became. How dangerous it is for him to be in here, seeing me like this. Seeing me as *me*, but what am I to do?

It's too late. I feel my mattress dip and the scent of his cologne surrounds me. I'm now crying so hard that I can't catch my breath, I can't even think. I don't know what to do. So, I do nothing but cry.

"Corbin," he says as he rolls me towards him and away from where I've buried my face into the mattress.

But I can't look at him.

Shame and fear wash over me for putting us in this situation, and somehow, I manage to cry even harder. He pulls me against his chest, wrapping an arm around my shaking shoulders. As he begins running his hand up and down my arm, his nails lightly scrape against my skin, causing a cold chill to race down my spine.

"Shhhh...it's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay," he soothes.