Just a Wolf

Corinne

I awaken before dawn, confused. Where am I? I was dreaming about a cave, running through a tunnel, being chased by… probably Xavier, but I don’t remember, the dream is already slipping away from me.

I gaze around trying to identify the shapes around me. It isn’t the tent, and this isn’t a sleeping bag, I’m in a real bed. There is a slight bit of gray light coming from overhead, and I see a long, narrow window just under the ceiling, then look around at the shape of a door, and then it comes clear.

I’m in a bedroom in the River Moon packhouse. Right.

I relax back into the bed now that I realize where I am. I’m safe here. Locked in, sure, but haven’t I really been locked in somehow, my whole life? Even before I was exiled, I was trapped, an omega, a slave. Being a rogue didn’t bring me freedom, it just brought me a sequence of men who trapped me into abusive relationships. I almost feel freer right now, secured inside a room in the packhouse, than I have anywhere else before. I am not free, but I feel safe, and it is an extraordinary feeling.

“This is best for the baby, too,” my inner wolf agrees. She’s right. Getting away from Xavier was the best thing I could have done. I don’t think he had realized yet that I am pregnant, and I don’t know what he would do. Nothing good, I’m sure.

I haven’t been allowed to join this pack, and I doubt I will, but maybe they will let me serve them. I’d be happy to just work in their kitchen, or their cleaning crew, anything to find the elusive security that I have never known.

I figure I’ll at least be able to stay here for the next few days, while the leaders are checking out the caves. I really hope I didn’t make any mistakes in the map. I want them to know they can believe me. It’s the best way to win their continued protection. Especially as time goes on. I won’t be able to keep my pregnancy secret much longer, and the further along I get, the more help I’m going to need.

I get up and go to the bathroom. What a luxury. Since I was exiled, I’ve had to pee squatting in the woods or in caves, and have very rarely had the opportunity to enjoy indoor plumbing. How nice.

And, there’s a shower. I peek into the stall, see some soap and shampoo, see there’s a towel and washcloth, and I am actually going to do this. How long has it been since I washed in anything other than a stream outdoors, or at best a grubby gas station bathroom?

It takes me a few minutes to figure out how to work the knobs, but soon enough a wonderful gentle stream of warm water is flowing down over me, and this is about the best I have felt in … forever.

I stay in here long after I’m done using the soap and shampoo, just letting the water stream down over me, feeling the warmth and the comfort. I finally get out when my fingers are getting pruney. I hadn’t even remembered that could happen.

I wrap the towel around, and go to the dresser that Amelia pointed out to me last night, and sure enough there are clean clothes in the top drawer. They don’t fit me exactly right, but clothes never do, I always have to just wear whatever I can find. Not like I’m going shopping or anything. It’s a relief not to put on those little booty shorts and crop top that Xavier always wanted me to wear. I put on underwear, and sweatpants that are a bit too short, and a plain white t-shirt.

Then Evan’s sweatshirt on top, still reminding me of him. I’m very fond of his shirt, and the memory of how he offered it to me the day that he caught me, how shocking it was to have a man do something so considerate. I love wearing it, how it represents more than just warmth to me. It represents kindness, something that I had not known for a very long time. But of course I must return it to him.

There’s a knock on the door, and I hear Amelia’s voice. “Corinne? Want to come up to breakfast?”

I dash over there to the door as she unlocks and opens it, and see her smiling at me, but she also looks a little sad. I wonder why, but it’s not my business to ask. “Thank you,” I tell her, as we walk up the stairs together.

“Did you sleep okay?” she asks.

“Yes! Never better. Literally. And a shower too!”

We reach the top of the stairs and start walking towards the cafeteria. She looks at me with a bit of worry in her eyes. “It was all right? Even, you know, locked?”

I shrug. “Believe me, it was better than anywhere else I’ve slept lately.” She looks dubious, and I add, “I hope you don’t feel bad about it. I am happy that I’m here, really.”

I know that she can’t understand. As far as I can tell, her whole life has been safe and secure, with a supportive pack, friends, a life of plenty, no question of food and shelter being available. She is a sweet girl, and I am grateful to her, but she is so obviously privileged. She can never understand a life like mine. She doesn’t know what hardship and pain and fear really mean. I hope she never does.

When we get to the cafeteria, we get trays of food. I just take a little, not being in the habit of seeing such a heaping variety of food available. While with the rogues, eating every day was unusual, much less every meal. And every bite was controlled by Xavier. It feels very unsettling to be able to just take food. I think of my friends, the other females I abandoned with the rogues, and I know they won’t be eating like this. It makes me feel guilty to have such abundance while they have nothing. I hope Xavier isn’t being too hard on them in my absence.

Amelia leads us to the same table we sat at last night, and I am picking at my food, lost in thought, when Evan and Dom show up with their trays. Amelia greets Dom with a silent glance. Evan sits and asks me, “How was your night?”

“Good,” I tell him, while I am pulling his shirt over my head. When my eyes emerge I see him watching me. “Here.” I hold the shirt out to him. “Thanks for loaning it to me.”

He looks surprised, and somewhat unhappy. “You can keep it,” he says.

I try to press it on him. I don’t want to deprive him of his sweatshirt. “There’s another one downstairs that I can wear,” I tell him.

He shakes his head, and gestures over his own chest. “I have another one too, see? Keep it. Really.”

He has told me to, so I will. It would be very difficult for me not to do what a man directly tells me to do. That’s a lesson I have learned through long and hard training. So I pull it back over my head, and envelop myself in his warmth again, and am grateful again. “Thank you,” I whisper.

He starts telling me about where they are heading first today, to the cave that is the furthest east of here. He asks if there is anything else I can think of to help them find it. I consider, and remember one more detail. “There’s a rock just to the left of the entrance, that if you’re facing it, looks a little bit like a wolf head. Pointing up, like the wolf is howling. Just the face.”

“Oh really?” he grins. “How appropriate!”

Amelia and Dom are sitting together, very quietly, seeming quite serious. I suppose they are concerned that this cave exploration turns out okay. I am too. I want them to find the rogues. I don’t want to have to worry about Xavier being out there, probably looking for me. If he’s looking, he’ll inevitably find me, and I shudder to think about what he will do to me for running away.

I shudder to think about what he is doing to my friends.

And I shudder to think about what will happen to them if these packs really do find the rogues, whether there will be any way for the girls to escape alive, or whether they’ll just be killed in the fight.

“It’s almost 8,” Amelia says, looking sadly at Dom. He nods, and stands. She turns to me. “I’m going out front to see them off, want to come?”

I nod. Of course, because otherwise I’ll be back down in the locked basement room, and it’ll be nice to get a chance to breathe the air again for a moment first. Just for a moment.

I stand behind Amelia, with my head down and hands folded, respectfully waiting while the men are loading gear into the two cars. I glance up to see the Alpha and Luna of Dark Woods embracing as she bids him farewell. The Alpha and Luna of River Moon are apparently staying here, and are speaking quietly to the men in their pack who will be going.

I wait, awkwardly, hoping nobody notices me standing here. I don’t think they have decided whether to view me as an enemy or not.

“Stay right here,” Amelia says softly to me, and I look up to see that the Gamma is gesturing her over to their group. She quickly walks there, listens for a minute to some last-minute instructions, it seems, nods her head, then returns to me. On the way back, she passes Dom and Evan who are standing next to their car waiting, and I see her reach out her hand and very, very lightly brush her fingers against Dom’s.

It occurs to me that they will be missing each other. Odd to think of it. When the men left us for any length of time, it was always just a relief to the female rogues. It seems that is not always the way it must be.

We watch as the vehicles pull away from the curb. She lingers, waiting until they have turned a corner and are no longer in view. Then she turns to me.

I expect to be taken immediately back to my room in the basement. But Luna Darlene walks towards Amelia, and nobody seems inclined to rush me back to my room.

“Hello, Corinne,” Darlene says, and I look up to see her smiling at me.

“Hello,” I murmur.

“Well, Amelia,” Darlene goes on, “ready to get to work? Corinne, we’ll be working on plans for an upcoming event. Would you like to come hang around with us while we talk?”

Startled, I look at her. Why would they invite a rogue to remain with them while they work on a project? Suddenly my heart leaps. This might be another chance to demonstrate my usefulness. I want to try everything in my power to find a way not to have to return to the rogues. I want to keep this security.

“Yes, please,” I say, “maybe I can help with something?”

“Sure,” Darlene smiles. “Let’s go up to my room.”