Jelly Cooper: Alien

I race through the school gates and scan the yard. I catch sight of Agatha disappearing into the main block. Shouldering my way though the crowd, I grab her arm and yank her to one side as we narrowly miss being propelled into the assembly hall.

“Agatha,” I gasp, trying to catch my breath. “I’ll explain later. Right now, we have to go. Trust me.”

“But it’s –

I don’t wait to hear what she’s got to say. I can’t. I snatch her hand and drag her down the hallway. “We can sneak out the back and walk along the river bank,” I glance over my shoulder, pulling Agatha along behind me. “The trees will give us some cover.”

“What?”

I yank her down the corridor and away from people. Gathering speed, we swing around the corner and cannon straight into a skulking Rhiannon Miles.

Arms and legs meshing, we fall to the floor in a tangled heap. I land hard, Agatha’s elbow in my ribs and an anonymous knee embedded in my thigh. I clamp my mouth shut and muffle a scream.

Agatha hauls herself up and kneels over me, violet eyes concerned. I lie on my back, the wind punched out of my lungs, the colour draining from my cheeks. I close my eyes, feeling sick.

“Shall I get help?”

My eyes snap open and I shake my head, wincing as yet another part of my body spasms with pain.

“No way.” I grunt through clenched teeth. “I’ll be fine. I’m winded, that’s all.”

Agatha’s not convinced. In typical Agatha style, she starts to chew her lip and glance around for help. There’s nothing else for it; I’m going to have to get to my feet. Swallowing a groan, I push myself onto my elbows and into a half-hearted sitting position.

“Give…us…a…hand, would you.”

“YOU STUPID FREAK!”

One minute Agatha is in front of me and the next she’s not. I look up into a different face. Rhiannon.

In the kafuffle, I forgot about her. She glares down at me with fury and hatred.

“What the hell is the matter with you two? You do not run straight into somebody else and push them over unless there is something very, VERY, SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU. YOU MUST BE THE MOST STUPID –

My head is splitting and all that screeching is not helping. Rhiannon is having one ginormous hissy fit.

“Stupid, idiotic, brainless…FREAKS.”

Oh God. She’s screaming. People will come.

“You don’t belong here,” she screams on, “you don’t fit in. You should just leave, the both of you, and take that other misfit with you. Nobody would care. No one would miss you – in fact, if I threw a party to celebrate, the whole school would show up.”

Breathless, she stops ranting. I’ve got to stop her before she gets her momentum back and starts to shout at me again.

I force myself to sit up properly and look at Rhiannon’s face. Her reaction is too fierce and too intense to be natural. She’s losing it. Interesting. And…wait…I think I can hear her. Even though she’s not speaking.

Oh no, she’s about to shout again.

“You two make me sick,” Rhiannon spits, her voice shrill. “The two of you with your stupid faces and your stupid –

What is happening?

“Just shut the hell up and let me think.”

I must have said that bit out loud because Rhiannon shuts up. At least, I think that I said it out loud. I look at Agatha, who is looking at Rhiannon.

Did I say that out loud?

The abrupt silence gives me time to focus. Staring at Rhiannon, I concentrate hard.

Right, moo face, I’m just going to have a go at reading your mind, so if you could stand perfectly still….

Let’s see if any of this hocus-pocus stuff works.

Within seconds, I feel something. As I look at the rabid chipmunk, something reaches out from within me, like invisible tentacles. I can’t see them, but I can feel them move. My head feels thick, like when you get up in the morning after too much sleep. Everything is muffled. My ears pop and, bingo, Rhiannon’s thoughts are in my head.

So, that was easy. Wonder what else I can do.

“Don’t you dare tell me to shut up!”

Grabbing Agatha’s hand, I pull myself to my feet, shushing her noises of concern.

“It was an accident Rhiannon, let it go.”

Rhiannon’s cheeks flush. She steps forward and grabs the front of my shirt. I stare back at her with a little smile, which probably isn’t the wisest way to try and diffuse the situation.

Rhiannon pushes Agatha aside and shoves me against the wall. I’ve always known that this day would come, that me and Rhiannon would come to blows, and contrary to how I always imagined myself behaving, I find that I’m not up for it.

When you’re being hunted down by a mad thing from outer space, you kind of lose your appetite for petty scrapping.

I stare, unblinking, into Rhiannon’s eyes, her face inches from mine.

“You’re the accident,” she snarls. “You’re a mistake; a mistake that needs stamping on. A mistake that needs stamping out.”

Oh, give it a rest.

Leaning forward, I whisper in her ear.

“Hitting me won’t stop your mum and dad splitting up.”

She tries to bluff it and stay angry, but she can’t do it. Her bottom lip starts to wobble. She backs away. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I follow her retreat with my eyes.

“You two freaks are nuts.” Her voice is loud again. It echoes in the hallway. “You need to see a psychiatrist or something.”

I can’t let this go on any longer. I move forward, my eyes never leaving hers. Rhiannon’s mind is open, unguarded and in turmoil. Her mind is a tap that’s turned on all the way; her thoughts spill out. I pick my way through the ripples until I find exactly what I want. What I need to make this end.

“When your dad leaves, he’s taking Ricky with him, isn’t he?”

The statement hangs in the air. No one moves.

My insides roll like that time when Agatha persuaded me to try Sushi. Delving into someone else’s mind and extracting personal thoughts like a dentist extracting teeth is not all it’s cracked up to be. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t stand Rhiannon – she’s a royal pain in the arse - but using her deepest darkest thoughts to hurt her? Not my style and, in all honesty, I feel a teeny-weeny bit sick. I have no right to steal those thoughts from her head and use them against her. No right at all.

However, practicality has always been one of my stronger points. I do still need to get out of school quickly and with the minimum of fuss (that’s a bit of a joke considering the amount of time the three of us have spent arguing in the hallway, but I guess I have to try).

Agatha steps forward and places her hand on Rhiannon’s arm, shocked at the tears running down her cheeks.

Unsure of what to do, I reach out my hand. Rhiannon cries harder.

Fantastic. All I had to do was get Agatha, get out of school and meet Humphrey. Simple, you would think, but no. I have to take this wonderfully inappropriate moment to embark on my career as a mind robber. Yay me.

I’m kidding of course. I’m a complete and utter shit and I’m going to hell.

Agatha tries to sooth Rhiannon. She frowns at me, and mouths ‘who’s Ricky?’

“Her brother.”

“My brother.”

Rhiannon starts to cry for real. We’re talking huge, anguished, body-wracking sobs. I try to shush her.

“Stay away you freak.” She backs away, a look of disgust, or horror (not quite sure which) on her face. “You…stay…away…from…me.”

“Look, I can explain –

Distant footsteps echo down the hallway. They get louder and louder, closer and closer.

Agatha stares at me, appalled. “Oh my God,” she whispers, wringing her hands. “It sounds like a teacher. What do we do?”

Think. There’s no way I can get caught in school now and I can’t risk Rhiannon blabbing about her early morning run-in with the resident weirdo.

The footsteps grow louder.

We need to go. Right now. All of us.

Ignoring my aching ribs, I grab Rhiannon’s left arm and twist it behind her back. I cover her mouth, careful to press hard against her lips so that she can’t bight me (because she will, given the slightest chance).

“Jelly!”

“Move,” I hiss at Agatha, half pushing, half dragging Rhiannon towards the exit.

Certain that the owner of the ominous footsteps will round the corner at any moment and discover us, I hurry through the door. Agatha follows and closes it gently behind her.

I can feel Mr. Pickle at the corner of the hallway. He’s puzzled. He heard us.

No time to waste.

I tug a struggling Rhiannon across the shady path, over the banking, and into the shadows of the tree-lined riverbanks. Luckily, with everybody in assembly, we make the dash unnoticed.

Dragging Rhiannon down next to me in the tall grass, I wait for Agatha and the inevitable accusations.

It doesn’t take long.

“What are we doing?”

Oh dear. Now she’s verging on hysterical. This isn’t my day, is it? But at least I’ve stopped crying.

“What’s going on?” Agatha hisses. “You tell me right now.”

If the truth be known, I haven’t got a clue what’s going on. I was winging it to start with and now things have gone so far off course that I’d need a magic compass to get back on track. But, again, I have to try.

I have a sinking feeling that’s going to be my epitaph. Here lies Jelly Cooper. At least she tried.

“Listen, Agatha. Let me explain.”

“Explain what?” she squeaks. “Your weird behaviour, your intimate knowledge of Rhiannon’s personal life, or maybe you would like to explain KIDNAP to me.” Abandoning any attempt to whisper, Agatha’s voice is shrill. “Did I wake up this morning in the twilight zone? Yes, that would explain it. We are in a parallel universe where holding someone against their will is normal.”

She’s not far off the mark there.

“Look,” I hiss. “I didn’t have a choice, OK. He’s getting closer.”

Agatha pulls a face. “It was only a teacher.”

“HA! You seemed to think that it was pretty important back there in the hall. Anyway,” I sigh, “I wasn’t talking about Pickle.”

“It was Mr. Pickle? Oh God, oh God, oh God!”

I give her a meaningful look. She stops.

“The Hunter is real, Agatha. Real, and coming for me – just like in the dream.”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“Agatha, I’m going to say it again and you better have a different response because I don’t like being called stupid. The Hunter is real and coming for me, just like in the dream.”

Agatha whispers, “I’m sorry, Jay, but he can’t be!”

“He is.”

“He can’t be real.”

“He is real, Agatha.”

“I know we talked about it, but it was just a dream.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“This isn’t just weird, this is impossible.”

I like the way Humphrey took it better.

“Agatha! Listen to me. I’m an alien: fact. He’s real: fact. He’s here: fact. He’s not my number one fan.” I sigh. “Fact.”

“This is sooo not good.”

What a great time for the smartest person I know to get stupid.

She starts to pace up and down. “Not good at all. What do we do?” Her eyes fall on Rhiannon and shoot back to me, panic stricken. “What do we do with her?”

“Maybe I can erase her memory, like in Superman, you know?”

Agatha smiles weakly until Rhiannon starts bucking like a bronco. Then she quickly looks like she’s about to cry. Or faint.

I have a sudden thought and, barely keeping my grip on the squirming tomcat, nod my head and grab Agatha’s attention.

“Give us a minute?”

Uncertain, Agatha’s eyes flick from me to the pompomhead and back again.

“Please.”

“I still can’t believe that this is happening.”

“I know. Please, though, for me?”

Agatha walks off without another word and I tighten my grip on Rhiannon, ignoring her muffled grunting. I whisper in her ear.

“When I let you go in ten seconds, you are not going to scream, or run, or punch me in the face or anything like that, OK? Nod if you understand.”

Her head bobs.

“Good. I’m sorry about earlier, and right now come to think of it, but I have had a couple of really bad days. You don’t want to even get me started on the nights. I’m going to let you go, but please don’t do anything stupid because I’m not really in control right now and I’m not entirely sure what might happen. OK?”

Rhiannon nods and I let her go. She turns into a ball of spitting fire in around a hundredth of a second. It’s impressive, really.

“You…you…”

Hey, there’s an up-side to this nightmare. Rhiannon is too cross to talk.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” I wave away her righteous spluttering. “In trouble, a freak show, weird beyond belief. Save your breath and listen for a minute.”

“This had better be good.” The fireball finds its voice.

“OK,” I draw a deep breath and launch into it. “So, in an altogether unexpected turn of events, turns out that I’m not human. Unconfirmed reports are in that I’m an alien. Who knew?” What’s the point in going into detail? She’s not going to believe me first time round anyway. “I can do all sorts of freaky stuff like reading minds and I can run like Chetara out of Thundercats. Oh, and I’m being hunted down by a cold-blooded killer from my home planet.”

Wide saucer eyes stare back at me.

“Now, I need to start practicing my…ah, gifts…and I need some help. Enter Agatha and Humphrey. No one else knows about this and I don’t want to risk you going back to school, so…erm…you’re going to have to come with us.”

Rhiannon opens her mouth. I quickly clamp it shut.

“I’m not done yet. If you do this for me, and I know how much you don’t want to, I won’t tell anybody about your family problems and neither will Agatha. I also promise to never read your mind again, ever. What do you think?”

Rhiannon is still for about two and a half seconds this time, then she explodes.

“You don’t seriously expect me to believe any of that when you’re obviously out of your mind, do you? An alien! Get real.”

See, I told you she wouldn’t go for it first time round.

Focussing, I delve into Rhiannon’s thoughts for what I hope is the third and final time.

“Your dad wants to take Ricky with him to Canada. Your little brother cries every time he brings up the subject. Your parents always end up fighting and Ricky comes to you, only you’re about to lose it yourself. Last night, Ricky told you that he didn’t want to go and because you knew that there was nothing you could do to stop it, it broke your heart.”

A gust of wind blows along the river.

This stuff is floating around in her head all day long. I’m pretty sure that I can’t tap in on people’s memories – not yet at least – so it has to be there, on her mind, all day.

I will not feel sorry for her, I will not feel sorry for her.

God damn it! I feel sorry for her.

Before she can collapse into a blind rage or sobbing hysterics, I jump in. “I can do that for hours, but I won’t. If you give me today.”

Considering the fact that this is Rhiannon Miles, mouth almighty, she’s quiet for an awfully long time.

“Fine,” she croaks.

“Fine?”

She nods. “Whatever.”

“OK,” I frown. That was too easy. But then again, what choice do I have? “Agatha, come on, we’re off.”

“We’re off? We’re off? What do you mean ’we’re off’? Jelly, what’s going on?”

Agatha is not taking this well.

“Rhiannon’s tagging along for the day, aren’t you?” I smile at the cheerleader.

Agatha’s misgivings are clear. “Tagging along where?”

With all that’s gone on, it takes me a minute to remember. “The…um…the bus stop. We’re meeting Humphrey at the bus stop.”

Agatha turns and walks away, stress in every stride.

I feel really bad at dragging her into my mess, but the selfish part of me (which is, let’s face it, huge) is really, really glad that she’s hear with me and I don’t have to face the future alone.

The gang’s all here, plus one. They’re my friends, well most of them are my friends.

They can handle it.

Besides, I kind of need them.

“Humphrey, don’t start on me.”

Anyone would think that Rhiannon has horns the way that Humphrey stares at her. She glares back at him, equally unimpressed.

“What is she doing here?”

I go on the defensive. “I had no choice.”

“There’s always a choice, Jel.”

I wish he wouldn’t interrupt like that with his pearls of wisdom. “Someone was coming and, and…she was in a state and I…I couldn’t draw attention to myself.” I stop, aware that I’m babbling, which I hate. “She had to come.”

Humphrey’s eyes widen. “Against her will?”

Thank you Agatha.

“Oh,” I look away. “Oh, erm, no…that’s all sorted now.”

He isn’t listening.

“Do you have any idea of the mess we’re in now? Do you?”

“Yes, but –

“How could you put Agatha in that kind of position? She’s supposed to be your friend. Do you realise how much trouble you have gotten her into? What were you thinking?”

That’s it. I’ve had a guts full of this. Time for shock tactics.

“Humphrey, you took the whole alien thing like a true champ, so I’m hoping that you’ll get this just as quick. There is an inter-galactic, psychotic, killing machine looking for me. He is here, in Seabrook, and isn’t going to waste much more time figuring out who I am. I have a very slight chance of getting away from this guy and the truth of it is that I might be dead come this Friday. I need help and I need it now; preferably from you. You’re here to be a friend, or you’re not here at all.”

The hurt on Humphreys face is horrible. It makes me want to break things. I notice that Agatha is trying not to cry.

“Agatha,” I sigh. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Agatha sweeps a tear from her cheek. “I’m coming with you,” she says gruffly, “but don’t speak like that again. I don’t want to hear you talk about dying. OK?”

I nod and give her shoulder a quick squeeze. I turn my attention to Humphrey. He stares into the distance.

“Humphrey?”

“I’m thinking,” he chews his bottom lip. I tap my foot, impatient to be off. I can’t help it. Something inside is screaming that I don’t have much time.

“Well?”

He looks at me. “I’m not coming.”

I couldn’t be more surprised if someone walked up to me on the street and offered me a million pounds.

“What do you mean, you’re not coming? Why not? What are you going to do – go back to school?”

“I guess.”

“Humphrey!”

He rams his hands deep into his pockets and looks at the ground.

“Things have gone too far, Jel. This morning you were my best friend. The one that hated school and cheerleaders and being at a school that had cheerleaders –

“Hey!” Rhiannon exclaims.

- and her. And now, everything’s changed.”

“Humphrey, nothing’s changed! I’m still that person. What about you? Where’s the person I left half an hour ago?”

Humphrey shakes his head. “No, Jel, you’re not the same person. You’ve never been the same as everyone else; I’ve always known it. You seemed to be kind of happy, in your own way, so I left it alone, but I’ve been waiting for something like this to happen.”

“Humphrey, I didn’t know that this was coming.”

“Then you’ve been lying to yourself for a long time. I saw the change in your eyes weeks ago. You’ve been silently freaking out for months and you haven’t said a word to us, so don’t talk to me about friendship and what it means.”

I feel like I’ve had my insides ripped out, but Humphrey’s not done tearing my world apart.

“Now it’s too late. That thing is here, coming to kill you. If you’d faced up to this, you could have had a chance! You said earlier that you haven’t changed and you were right. In one way, you’re still the girl that got out of bed this morning and that’s the problem. I don’t see how that person can beat something that’s spent its entire life training to kill. You haven’t changed enough to beat him and I don’t know how to help you. I can’t be around to watch you die, Jel.” He looks me full in the face. “I won’t.”

Humphrey turns on his heel and walks off. Without looking back.

He just walks away.

What do I do now? I’ve never had to face anything without Humphrey at my side. I’m not sure I even know how to start.

I must look a fool, standing in the middle of the street, hands on hips, jaw on the floor. Nothing I can do about it. For the first time in my life, I’m properly dumbstruck.

I close my mouth to find that, to my disgust, my chin is wobbling like a jelly. Jelly chinned Jelly Cooper. Now I know I’m going to cry. Or scream.

What Humphrey said was true, every word of it, and no amount of denial is going to work its magic anymore. I’ve really screwed things up.

Something brushes past my shoulder. I close my eyes, feeling sick. This is the part where Agatha runs after Humphrey and begs him not to go. I can’t bear to watch.

I turn my back on the horrid scene; only Agatha is there, in front of me, looking more surprised than I feel. Humphrey walking away may have struck me dumb, but that’s nothing compared to the effect it’s had on poor Agatha; she looks like her best friend in the whole wide world just up and walked out on her in a time of dire need. Funny that.

I have a very unpleasant thought. If that’s not Agatha laying into Humphrey, then...

Feeling that my day can’t possibly get any worse, I turn.

Rhiannon.

I don’t know what she’s saying to Humphrey, but he has no colour in his face. In typical Queen Bitch style, she pushes her nose to within an inch of his while she shouts him down. One thing’s for sure: the pompomhead is not best pleased about something.

I’m not even going to try and guess what’s happening here. My brain stopped working minutes ago.

Humphrey shrugs his shoulders and she jabs a manicured finger into his chest. And again…and again. With one last jab, and a toss of the head that sends her hair slashing across Humphrey’s face, she spins away from him and walks back towards us.

“Come on. We’re going.”

I look at Agatha.

“Going where?”

Rhiannon snorts. “Anywhere, you tell me. Look, you’re obviously pathetic at getting boys to do what you want, so I’m handling it for you, now walk!”

With a quick glance to check on Humphrey’s whereabouts – right where she left him – I grab Agatha’s arm and scurry after Rhiannon.

“Trust me,” she says over her shoulder with a snort, “he’ll be back. Now, where are we going?”

I peer across at Agatha. She mouths “what’s going on?”

Your guess is as good as mine, Ag.

Agatha stops dead.

“Oh my God. Ohmygod! I just heard you, Jelly! Inside my head! I heard what you were thinking!”

Rhiannon pauses, mid stride. Sigh. A promise is a promise, even one made to a pompomhead, so I’d better be honest with her.

“Agatha probably did hear what I was thinking, I still haven’t got the hang of things, but I have to try to read someone’s mind. I’m not trying to read yours, OK. My promise is good. Anyway, why are you suddenly helping me?”

“I’m not. Helping you, that is. I’m helping myself. Do you really think that I want to stand around, in broad daylight, with you losers? I don’t. I just want to speed things up a bit so that we can get wherever it is that we’re going and get out of sight. It’s the getting out of sight bit that I’m most looking forward to.”

“What about Humphrey?” Agatha asks, looking back over her shoulder.

Rhiannon smirks. “Don’t worry about fat boy, speccy. He’ll come back when he’s had a chance to think on it.”

I shelve the urge to smack her about the head.

“He doesn’t know where we’re going.”

“That makes two of us. Wherever it is, can we hurry up and get there? This is becoming embarrassing.”

I will not be rushed by anyone, least of all her.

“How will Humphrey know where to find us? I should go and tell him that we’re going to the Bay’s Head.”

Rhiannon starts walking again. Towards Bay’s Head.

Damn it.

“He knows you, doesn’t he? He’ll know where to find you,” she throws over her shoulder.

As much as I hate to admit it, the pompomhead has a point.