SWNOVELS Irresistible: Chapter 25
My folks arrived on Thursday, and that night I met up with Woods at Hop Lot Brewing Co., one of our old favorite places for food and drinks after work. I was looking forward to it, not just because I hadn’t seen Woods in a long time and he was like a brother to me, but because I’d had this fucking knot in the pit of my stomach all day long, growing tighter and tighter every time I thought about Frannie.
I’d lain awake all night long hearing her voice in my head. I’m not going anywhere. You know that, right? And then I’d picture her the way she’d looked kneeling at my feet, so sweet and sexy and happy, and my heart felt like it was going to explode. It was too much. Things had moved too fast, and my feelings for her were running too deep. She was all I wanted, and I wanted her all the time.
How had I let this happen?
Sitting at the bar, Woods and I caught up over local IPAs, wings, burgers, and fries. He told me how things were going for him downstate, about his job as groundskeeper for a country club, and the work he was doing on their house. He also grumbled a fair amount about the cost and planning of the wedding and said he’d be glad when it was all over. “I can’t fucking look at another flower, cake, or seating arrangement,” he said. “Seriously, just shoot me first.”
“Is it that bad?”
“Yes. I have absolutely no opinions on that shit and she doesn’t seem to understand that. It’s like she takes it personally. I tell her all I care about is that we walk out of there married. She could wear a paper bag for all I care.”
“Oh, Jesus.” I shook my head. “You did not say that to her.”
“I did. She was not pleased with me.” He took another sip of his beer and set the glass down. “So when are you gonna tell me what’s up with you?”
I picked up my beer and frowned into it. There was no use pretending with Woods. We knew each other too well. “I think I fucked up.”
“I’m sure you did.”
I tried to smile, but couldn’t.
“Shit. You’re serious. Is it one of the kids?”
“No.” I took a few swallows and set the glass down. “It’s Frannie Sawyer.”
“Frannie Sawyer? What about her?”
I looked over at him. Met his eyes but said nothing.
He got it in a heartbeat. “Jesus. Did you?”
Lifting my glass again, I nodded. “Yeah. I did. Multiple times. It’s sort of an ongoing fuck-up.”
“Shit.” He rubbed a hand over his jaw. “How old is she?”
“Twenty-seven.”
“Oh. Well, that’s not bad. Are you worried about Sawyer?”
“I’m worried about a lot of things.” I shook my head. “I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking, starting something with her. I don’t have time for a girlfriend. I barely have time to piss with the bathroom door shut.”
Woods laughed. “I bet.”
“It’s impossible to be alone with her. The kids are always around.”
Woods ran a hand through his hair. “She’s probably great with the kids, though.”
“Yeah,” I said dully. “They’re crazy about her.”
“Do they know about the two of you?”
I shook my head. “Not yet. It’s only been a few weeks. But it’s getting harder and harder to keep it from them, especially since she’s at the house a few days a week. And I know she wants to tell them.”
“You don’t?”
“No. I don’t want them to feel like they’re getting less of me, I don’t want to throw a major wrench into their lives when we’re finally doing okay, and I don’t want them to get attached to the idea that she’s going to be around forever,” I said, getting worked up. “Because she’s not.”
“How do you know?”
“Why would she be? I can’t give her what she wants.”
He sipped his beer again. “What does she want that you can’t give her?”
“Time. Attention. A future. I know for a fact she wants a husband and kids. I can’t be that guy. I’m never getting married again.”
“Have you told her that?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m an asshole.”
“Well, sure, but …”
I couldn’t even laugh. “Because I don’t want to give her up. It’s so wrong on so many levels, I know it is, but it’s also so fucking good. Not just the sex, either, although that part is unbelievable. She’s all young and hot and”—I struggled for the right word—“enthusiastic.”
Woods burst out laughing. “You definitely don’t want unenthusiastic sex.”
“But that’s what I was used to. Uninspiring, unexciting, unenthusiastic, obligatory sex with someone who didn’t actually give a shit about me. She never even knew me.”
“No?”
I shook my head. “No, everything spun out of control so fast when Carla got pregnant, and I did three tours practically back to back, and suddenly we had three kids, a mortgage, and a stockpile of weapons to use against each other.”
“That’s tough.”
I took another drink of my beer. “It was always all about Carla—what she wanted, what she wasn’t getting, what I was doing wrong as a husband. With Frannie, it’s so different. She wants to know me. She’s so easy to be with. She loves the girls. She puts up with a lot of shit that no one else would. And …” I took a deep breath. “She cooks. She fucking comes over and cooks for us because I’m too clueless and exhausted to figure out how to feed my kids healthy food at the end of the day.”
“Sounds like maybe you should keep her around.”
I shook my head. “I can’t keep letting her waste all this time on me. There are too many complications, between the kids and Carla making things difficult at every turn, and what people will say and what she wants for the future.”
“What will people say?” Woods asked.
“You know. They’ll just gossip.” I ran a hand through my hair. “They’ll say I’m fucking the nanny, and she’s so much younger, and my divorce is barely final, and it’s not fair to the kids, and I’m just taking advantage of her, and—”
“Fuck that,” Woods stated emphatically. “Anyone who knows you will know that’s complete bullshit. And since when have you ever cared what people say?”
“I can’t take that attitude where the kids and Frannie are concerned. This isn’t just about me.”
Woods exhaled and lifted his glass to his mouth. After a long drink, he set it down and looked at me. “Do you remember what you said to me after I broke things off with Stella?”
“That you were being a dipshit?”
“Yeah, and you are too, by the way, but you also said something else that I always remembered.”
I sat up taller. “What?”
“You said something like, ‘If I had someone I trusted, who understood me and baked pies for me, and the sex was even marginal, I’d marry her tomorrow.”
Frowning, I slumped over again. “But our situations are not similar at all. I meant I’d do that if I were you. I’ve got kids to think about.”
Woods gave me a look that called bullshit, but he didn’t say anything. He just picked up his beer and took another drink.
“And I’m thinking of Frannie, too. I’m letting her believe this can go somewhere when I know it can’t. And the longer this goes on, the worse it’s going to be for everyone involved when it ends. The girls are already too attached to her. It’s dangerous to be that attached to someone.”
“So what are you gonna do?”
My gut twisted. “I have to break it off. For the kids’ sake.”
Woods was silent a moment. Then he said, “You do what you’ve gotta do, Mack. I just want to say one more thing, and then I’ll shut up. Because this is probably going to piss you off, but we all need that one asshole in our life who says what needs to be said.”
I gave him the side eye. “What?”
“Are you doing this because the girls are too attached to her? Or because you are?”
I sat up taller. “Fuck off. I’m not doing this for me.”
He held up his hands. “Okay, okay. I know you guys have been through a lot, and I’m not a father, so I don’t know what that’s like. If you’re that sure things can never work out with her, go ahead and break it off.”
“I’m sure,” I said, the knot in my stomach thickening. “I have to break it off.”
The moment I saw her at the rehearsal the next day, my heart seized and my breath stopped and my legs didn’t want to move. I was standing at the back of the wedding barn, where the ceremony was going to take place, and she came over with a big smile on her face.
“Hey, you,” she said. “How was your night out with the guys?”
“It was fine.” I could hardly look her in the eye.
“What did you do?”
“Just had a few beers. Some food.”
“No strip clubs?” she teased. “Not that there are any within a hundred miles.”
I couldn’t even smile. “No.”
“Did you get in late?”
“Not too late.” I hesitated. “Sorry I didn’t call. I was tired, I guess.” God, this was torture. I didn’t know where to look, so I stared at the ground between our feet.
“Did you ask your parents about staying over tomorrow night?” she asked hopefully.
“Oh, uh … not yet.” Fuck. What the hell was I going to do about that? How could I stay with her knowing what I was going to do? I already felt like the biggest jerk on the planet. That would just make it worse.
“Is everything okay, Mack?” She sounded confused, and I didn’t blame her.
“Yeah. I’m just … you know. Busy.” It was bullshit. The rehearsal hadn’t even started yet.
“Oh. Okay, well, I won’t keep you. Just wanted to say hi.”
I nodded, feeling like fucking dirt, and she gave me one last smile before walking away, but it wasn’t a happy smile. It was nervous and tentative, and I hated myself for it.
But that was nothing compared to the following night.