Inevitably Yours

QUINN

I felt hollow. There weren’t many things in my life I hadn’t been able to accomplish with enough effort. I was putting in the effort. Almost every day he was home, we tried, even if he didn’t have time. I didn’t understand what could be wrong.

I didn’t even want to leave the packhouse to go grocery shopping anymore, fearing someone stopping me for conversation. It usually took me hours to get simple errands done simply because pack members would stop me to chat.

Michael was watching me, too; I felt it. He was stressed out over everything, including me. I hated making him worry. I did my best to smile and move through the motions, but my heart wasn’t there.

I aimlessly rolled out cookie dough, working on Christmas cookies. It seemed no matter how many I made, they were always disappearing, even with a week until Christmas. Adi had particularly sticky fingers when she was around.

“What are you dough-ing in here, my love?” Michael asked from the doorway with a teasing smile.

The corner of my mouth perked up at his adorable pun. “Making more cookies,” I answered, pulling the cutters over to me. I dredged them lightly through the flour, then began stamping out snowflakes and trees.

He came over, standing next to me as I worked. Snow was filling up the kitchen windows as the sun set on a quiet day. “Run with me,” he said quietly; his hand came to the back of my neck, rubbing gently.

“Can Nic go with you? I want to get these done before bed tonight,” I said, feeling guilty. I just wasn’t in the mood to go out. Pretending everything was okay was exhausting enough.

I felt him deflate next to me. “She isn’t home,” he muttered. I closed my eyes, mustering up the energy.

I placed the last cut-out on the baking tray and turned to face M, wiping my flour-covered hands on a towel. “I’m just a little worn out,” I told him. “I don’t feel much like shifting right now.”

“Okay,” he sighed. “Are you sure you want to make a big Christmas dinner this year?”

“Yea,” I lied. “We’re Alpha and Luna. It’s expected, isn’t it?” Michael just frowned.

He kissed the top of my forehead. “I’ll be back in an hour or so, okay?” he checked.

“I’ll be here,” I said, forcing a smile. He left with one final lingering look over his shoulder. I leaned against the countertop. That hollow heaviness burned inside me. I hated failure; I hated disappointing someone I love. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing it to go away.

Michael wanted to be a father; he deserved to be one. He would be such a caring and patient parent, and I wanted to see it. I was the one supposed to give that to him, but fate seemed to be playing a cruel joke instead.

“Um, Q?” someone said from the doorway. I snapped my head up and dashed away the water pooled in my eyelashes.

“Yea,” I said, plastering on a smile. Nic watched me carefully.

“Have you seen Michael?” she asked.

“Yea, he just left. He is going to let Eros out for a while,” I told her. “You can probably catch up to him.”

“Are you alright?” she asked.

“Yea, why wouldn’t I be?” I feigned. Her eyes appraised me. “All the cookies seem to disappear as soon as I make them. I’m just tired from all the baking. You should find Michael. I’m sure he’d enjoy the company out there.”

“Okay,” she said with an unsure tone. She backed out of the doorway to the kitchen, and I was alone again.

Loosing a heavy breath, I grabbed the cookie trays and went to the oven. “Saph, I don’t think I can do this forever. Why can’t I just get pregnant?” Silence was the only response I got.

–

I stared at the messages from my mom. The picture was of the kitchen covered in cookies and the mess made while they were being prepared. I frowned at the words.

MOM

| thinking about you

| hope Christmas is going well

This wasn’t the first text message she sent me since Founder’s Day. There had been a handful, but I hadn’t responded to any of them.

ME

| I made cookies too

I deleted that. That wasn’t right. I felt like I had to respond, but I had no idea what to say. I never wanted them out of my life, but they basically slammed the door in my face. I knew this was probably my mom’s way of unlocking that door, but would it be the same?

ME

| Merry Christmas. Give everyone my love

I stared at my final choice and hit the send button. My parents had to know; the whole pack knew by now. According to my mom, she and my dad had no issues conceiving me. By all accounts, I was thought into existence. What did they think?

I sighed and went back to folding laundry. Christmas was only a few days away. The packhouse was decorated, and the presents were wrapped. Michael was home until after New Year’s Day, but I still couldn’t get that ache to go away.

I set the empty basket on the floor and started taking the piles of freshly folded clothes to the dresser. Our bedroom door opened, and Michael came in, shaking out his damp hair. He had probably been outside training. The cold didn’t bother him at all, while most of us preferred the basement or warrior compound as soon as the weather turned.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he said, coming over to k**s my cheek. “I had an idea.”

“An idea?” I questioned. He went over to the hamper, stripping and tossing his clothes inside. Michael came over to his dresser and pulled out new clothes.

“What if we did something crazy?” he proposed.

“What are we going to do that is crazy?” I asked.

He pulled on fresh shorts and a shirt before turning around to face me. “Let’s go away,” he smiled brightly. I could tell he was pleased with this idea he had by his smile alone.

“Away? M, we are a few days away from Christmas,” I pointed out.

“Yea, I know. That’s why I think we should get away. Me and you. Alone. I think I found a place we can be away from everyone and everything,” he explained. He came over to me where I stood next to the bed, holding a pile of shirts. He rested his hands on my h**s and looked down at me with determination. “You need a break, sweetie. This has all been too much over the past few months. Let’s go away. Get back to us for a few days.”

“Michael, the pack….” I sighed.

“Will survive under Nic’s tutelage for a week. Or it will burn down. I don’t know; she can be a little crazy. But I’m willing to risk it,” he said. I closed my eyes, and he leaned his forehead down to mine. “Come on, Blue. You’re pulling away. Let me bring you back to me. Being Alpha can pause for a minute because I am your mate first.”

“Technically, you were Alpha a few hours before my mate,” I said, trying to hold in a laugh at my smartass remark. Michael growled softly.

“See, my Quinn is still there. Let me love away the sadness. Just picture: cabin on the lake, snow-filled windows, fire in the hearth. Me and you curled up together with cocoa and cookies, just enjoying each other,” he whispered softly. It sounded beautiful, the perfect present for Christmas. But I didn’t feel like I deserved that present. I couldn’t give him the pups he wanted.

“M, I don’t know….” I whispered.

“I know it sounds good to you. Don’t think about anything else. Just tell me, is it something you would want?” he asked.

“Well, yea…” I said.

“Then that’s it. We’re going. We leave in the morning. Pack enough for the week,” he said, standing up again. “Or don’t,” he winked. My mouth dropped open as he strolled out of the room, chuckling to himself.

–

I looked out the window at the passing landscape. We had been driving for two hours already. Our bags were shoved in the back seat, along with the big container of Christmas cookies. The Christmas presents were also in the trunk as we wouldn’t be back by then. We headed further and further north, and I could only assume we were headed somewhere akin to Michael’s depiction. Michael’s hand rested on my leg, occasionally squeezing as we drove.

“I think we should go to the store first,” he said.

“Oh?” I asked.

“Well, we will need to eat, and there is the possibility of getting snowed in the next few days. We’re a few hours ahead of a storm right now,” he told me.

“Where are we going that we would get snowed in?”

“I told you. A cabin by the lake,” he frowned.

“What lake?” I asked.

“You know, the giant ones,” he said. “We’re staying in one owned by humans, and there are no packs anywhere near it. No wolves, no shenanigans, just us.”

“Then why are your swords and my sai in the trunk?” I asked.

“Always be prepared,” he winked.

A little while later, we stopped at a small grocery store in a very tiny town. M said we were only fifteen minutes away from the place we were staying. We walked through the tiny aisles filling our small cart with food for the next week. I asked Michael what he wanted to eat and what the kitchen looked like, but he wasn’t sure, so I kept it all simple. I made sure to get lots of snacks in case we didn’t feel like cooking.

Michael practically towered over the shelves, and the little old lady at the only checkout looked terrified of him. They clearly weren’t used to large, supernatural men coming through the grocery store. Once we had all the bags shoved into the trunk, we got back in the car, and M started searching the radio. When he found what he was looking for, he smiled brightly.

Jingle Bells started rattling out of the speakers. “Let’s go have some Christmas fun,” he smiled.

We managed to get to a very lonely-looking cabin literally on the bank of the lake. I wasn’t sure our car was actually going to make it down the gravel road, but we did. Michael found the key hidden in a pot, and we let ourselves in. Inside it was freezing, so we immediately got the heat turned on. There were only two rooms off the main area of the cabin: a full bathroom and a mudroom that led to the back. The bedroom, living area, dinette, and kitchen were all in the same open area. There were lots of soft quilts and pillows everywhere.

“This is cool,” Michael said once we had everything inside. The heater rattled away in the corner. “Maybe we should get the fire going?”

“Do you know how to do that?” I asked. I had watched my dad and uncles start plenty of fires but never done it myself.

“Can’t be hard, right?”

–

It took a while for Michael to get the fire going. While he did that, I put the groceries away and made us some lunch. Once he had it lit, we ate some sandwiches and then went out to see the lake.

We held hands and walked along the muddy bank. The ground squished beneath our shoes, our feet sinking on occasion. I understood the surplus boots in the mudroom after a while. The wind licked our cheeks, and M pulled me close to him as we quietly explored the shore. It was nice, calm.

The clouds grew darker after a while, and the wind picked up. We knew the storm had finally caught us. We went inside, discarding our dirty shoes in the mudroom. Michael had downloaded movies on his laptop, so we cuddled up on the couch under a blanket together with the computer on the coffee table.

Halfway through the movie, he finally spoke, “Baby, we need to talk about it.”

“About what?” I said, keeping my eyes on the small screen. I knew what he meant, but I was avoiding it.

“Quinn, we need to talk about the baby stuff…” he said softly. He turned his upper half, trying to direct my attention.

“Do we have to?” I asked. Michael reached over and turned my head to face him. His eyes were sad, and concern dominated his features. I was so focused on not feeling that crushing disappointment that I had been ignoring his feelings as well.

“Yes, we do,” he said, still speaking gently. “Sweetheart, I don’t think you should take any more tests. Not until we are absolutely certain or a doctor demands it.”

“Then how would we know?” I argued.

He shrugged. “It’ll happen when it does. I don’t care that it hasn’t happened yet.”

“But you wished it had,” I said. Michael shook his head.

“No. I would be over the moon if there was a pup in you already, but there isn’t, and it changes nothing. Can’t you see that? I hate watching you take the test and be crushed when it’s negative. Quinn, I cannot tell you enough that I do not care when it happens. But I can’t watch it destroy you.”

I just blinked up at him, not sure how to respond. His words didn’t fit the feelings inside of me. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against his chest. The steady thrum of his heartbeat was the only sound between us. Michael’s hand came to the back of my head, rubbing softly.

“You aren’t disappointing me. You could never disappoint me, Quinn. No more tests. I just want my mate, my best friend, the girl I love. I want you to be happy and us to enjoy trying together, even if it takes the rest of our lives,” he said silently.

“Nic, Andrea, your dad, everyone….” I thought. “They all expected you to snap your fingers and a pup appear that easily.”

“I don’t f*****g care about any of them. This is you and me. They don’t get to put expectations on your uterus,” he insisted.

We were still and quiet for a long while. I silently tried to reconcile his words with the heaviness in my heart. I hated these feelings.

“Let them go,” Sapphire said.

“It’s not that easy,” I argued.

“But it can be. Listen to mate,” she said. She was just as upset every time the test was negative; her change in position was surprising.

“And if it never happens?” I asked.

“It will,” she concluded.

I sat back and looked at my mate. I could see the dark tones shading the underside of his eyes. He didn’t wear his usual smile, and I couldn’t find the playfulness in his eyes.

“Okay,” I agreed. “No more tests.”

Michael c****d his head slightly. “Are we going to keep trying?” he asked. I nodded. His hands cupped my face, and he leaned in slowly. Our lips met, and he kissed me tenderly. I leaned in, deepening the k**s. I needed him, to feel him. Soon I was straddling his lap, and his tongue was gently wrestling mine.

“I love you, Quinn, more than anything,” he linked.

“I love you too, Michael.”