SWNOVELS Inevitable: Chapter 19
I walked home in a daze after studying that day. He’d shifted gears completely, walking me through every step of an investment plan, telling me the only reason I wasn’t getting it was because I wasn’t taking risks.
He’d looked at me and said, “Let yourself fly a little. Playing it safe won’t get you anywhere in this class or in life.”
His words rang over and over in my head that night and the next day.
They knocked around in my head until the next time I saw him.
He brought me chai tea again, and I grumbled about not drinking it again.
He just repeated as he sat down, “Humor me.”
I made an effort to look somewhat disgusted as he passed it over.
He looked me up and down. “Black and gray today, I see. So, I guess you don’t wear black everywhere you go.”
It’d become our little thing to comment on each other’s wardrobe. A smirk slipped out when I replied, “And no suit again, I see. Guess I’m just not good enough for those TV clothes.”
A genuine laugh rumbled from him.
I took him in and smiled behind the cup of chai tea. The way he relaxed when he laughed made him look a little younger and a little less dominating. He was just as beautiful but in a boyish, carefree way. I found myself wanting to see him like that more, like I cared about his well-being.
That thought scared me enough to snap my attention to the tea. I took a huge gulp and practically moaned. He’d had Jackie make it, I was sure. The woman was a magician, and chai tea was my favorite even if I wasn’t going to admit it to him.
It tasted of memories, sweet and so painful, and I normally avoided it.
When I looked up, his eyes were trained on my lips, dilated and pulling me in. I rubbed my thighs together and tried not to act aware of him.
Clearing my throat, I began walking him through my investment plan again.
This time, he responded so well that someone might have thought he’d been teaching his whole life.
The man was an easy study. He could be good at just about anything.
For another two weeks, we met and discussed investments every other day.
It wasn’t enough and too much at the same time.
Every time I saw him, I wanted him but knew I couldn’t handle having him again. My heart would warm even though it should have cooled.
Falling back into friendship with Jax proved to be even more difficult.
We danced around the serious topics. He didn’t discuss the past with me, didn’t divulge why he still visited my father.
I didn’t discuss my past with him. I didn’t share anything about my past relationships or other friendships.
He didn’t really talk about his life at all back in the city. I knew he had one there but was too afraid to ask him questions I wasn’t sure I wanted the answers to.
Did he like the city he chose over his family and me?
Did he have as much fun as the magazines showed him having?
Why wouldn’t he just make another album? His fans begged and begged him to. Instead, he would just repeat to any inquiry that investing was his true passion and he wanted a quiet life.
I don’t think the world believed him.
I didn’t either.
Was he still with the woman all the magazines said he was with? Were they exclusive?
Did he love her like he loved me? Had he ever really even loved me?
The stupid voice mail I’d saved played over in my head, and I found myself going home and listening to it after studying with him.
I heard the hitch in his voice when he said those three words. I rewound it to hear it again. And then again.
The words echoed in my room, echoed in my head, echoed in my heart. Over and over again they played, making my heart skip a beat each and every time
I slammed my laptop shut. I needed to do something other than study with Jax that day. My body was shaking with a pent-up emotion I couldn’t quite put my finger on and seeing him wouldn’t make it go away.
Winner: Library at 1?
Aubrey: I think I got this assignment handled. Going to take a rain check and work on it alone today.
Winner: I guess I’ll go into the city to work then.
I silenced my phone, trying not to feel guilty about my lie. I jumped up to survey my closet and took in my wardrobe. Mostly black, some grays, some creams and whites.
Neutral. A way to blend. A way to stay off people’s radar, which was hard enough when I was seen with Jay on a normal basis. Now with Jax in town, I’d probably have to lurk in the shadows if I didn’t want people talking.
I grabbed a sports bra and black capris. One of the small splurges I’d made for myself was in the exercise department. Hell would freeze over too before I felt guilty about spending extra on my bright Nikes and a Lululemon sports bra. When a person has enough incentive to take care of their body, they should feel good doing it.
I tied my hair up in a messy bun and breezed out of my room, ready to go for a jog.
Vick and Katie halted me in the apartment hallway and Vick groaned when she saw my outfit. “We were just coming to get you. Day drinking, not jogging!”
I sighed. “You guys know I will once I’m done with this class. I can’t afford a hangover tomorrow though.”
Katie, now a redhead with black highlights, squinted at me. “Day drinking with Vick and Rome isn’t going to be any fun.”
Vick balked at that. “Whatever. It’s going to be fun because Rome will let us drink free at his new Heathens Bar. And my God, Brey, the guys he hired are drop-dead gorgeous.”
Katie laughed, and I sidestepped them. “I’ll take a rain check. Tell Rome I said hi.”
“Tell me yourself,” he said as he came out of his apartment and locked the door.
He wore all black and looked lethal with his hair mussed just the right way. I smiled at him. “Hi, Rome.”
He looked me up and down. “Not coming out with us?”
I shrugged, and Katie piped up, “Running instead.” She crossed her arms. “I just wonder why she’s choosing to do that instead.”
“I just told you why.”
“I know what you said, I’m just trying to figure out the real reason.”
Rome put his arm around my shoulders and leaned in to whisper loud enough for everyone to hear. “You don’t have to answer to this little redheaded devil.”
Katie glowered as she ran her fingers through her hair. “Oh get fucked, Rome. Your bartender liked my hair last night. He probably will again today.”
I needed to jog and clear my thoughts, not worry about their constant bickering. I backed away and waved. “See you all later.” Then I spun around and left.
I ran near a lake and then veered off to run up a large hill.
The sun warmed my skin and the breeze cooled it as I worked up a sweat. With the trees rustling and people sprinkled throughout campus, the stress that had built in me eased out.
My lungs took in the life around me, mixing scents of lilacs and maple trees. It reminded me what I loved so much about just taking time to enjoy running and the changing of seasons. Those seasons pushed you to take advantage of the short summers because winter was always lingering in the back of your mind.
Lost in my own thoughts, I found myself stopped in Jay’s driveway. I knocked on the door, taking in his house as I always did when I stood there waiting. Sleek, contemporary, and manly described it. With its intimidating size and lakefront location, I knew how expensive it was.
Yet, it suited Jaydon more than any other place we’d shopped around for. I smiled, remembering how he’d asked me to look for a house and then move in with him when he bought this one. I rolled my eyes at how mad he’d been when I’d said no and moved down the hall from Rome instead.
The door swung open and I jerked back, shocked to find a more dangerous Stonewood holding open the door.
Jax leaned onto the door and looked me up and down. He did it as slow as the Big Bad Wolf had when he’d looked over Red Riding Hood.
Instinct had me wanting to shrink back. I never paid attention to the looks I got when working out. I didn’t care whether or not people accepted my wardrobe, just that I felt good in it. Now though, I snapped my head down to look. Sweat dripped from everywhere, and I could bet every part of my body glistened in the sun.
Every one of my curves shined more brightly. Jax dated stick-thin models. I knew that when I snapped my head back up to look at him, he wouldn’t be devouring my body with his eyes. Instead, he was looking over my shoulder with a muscle in his jaw ticking.
He was probably that disgusted and wanted to check to see who’d seen me at his brother’s door.
I huffed and put my hands on my hips. Whether or not my instinct told me to curl into myself, I stood taller on display.
I was real. No plastic surgery, no lipo, nothing. He’d appreciated me once before, so I let him take in reality for a second.
Instead of him dwelling on my stance a second longer though, he grabbed my elbow and yanked me in. “Did you jog all the way from your place?”
“Yes.” Was he insinuating that I wasn’t in good shape?
Jerk.
I crossed my arms and stared him down as he scanned outside, probably looking for paparazzi. So what if one actually caught him standing with a woman who looked a little bigger than his type? Right?
“And I looped near the lake.” I’d make sure to set him straight regarding how in shape I really was. “Anyway, where’s Jay? I only have a little more time to spend with him before he’s off to LA.”
He ignored my question as he slammed the door and spun around to face me. “What the hell are you thinking running around like that?”
“Excuse me?” I paused to lift my eyebrows at him. “Like what?”
“Like that!” He motioned to my sports bra and I realized he was actually stupid enough to comment on my body type.
Even so, I’ll admit I crossed my arms over my bra to hide what I normally felt comfortable in.
Bastard.
“You’re an ass.”
I went to find Jay and left him standing in the entrance. He belonged in there with its two staircases and statue of Venus. The foyer and him—both perfect, pristine, and completely pompous.
“Brey, that you?” Jay yelled over the clanking of pans.
I walked into the kitchen of stainless steel, granite counters, and windows the size of the walls. The kitchen, although not exactly how I would have decorated it, always made my heart ache for a home. I wanted to learn to cook, make my chai tea in the morning, and overlook something other than apartment buildings.
This kitchen in particular made my heart stop though, because one beautiful blue-eyed man was smiling so big at me that I couldn’t shake missing him already.
“Sass Pot, you want a burger?”
I went and hugged him from behind as he worked on his indoor grill. “Not after jogging over here.”
“Come on. No one’s judging here. Jax is having one too, right?”
“No judging from this side of the room,” Jax grumbled as he walked in behind me and sat down at the barstool near the marble island.
I huffed into Jay’s back and squeezed him a little tighter before I let go and went to the fridge to find something a little healthier.
“Come on,” Jax goaded me. “Just relax and let him cook for us.”
I turned and glared at him over my shoulder.
He raised his hands up in surrender. “Truce, all right? Come sit down. I won’t bite.” He patted the barstool next to him. “Brey,”—he said with a deeper voice—“come sit down.” He enunciated the words as if that would help my decision.
When I saw Jay tense though, I gave in because I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. “I can only stay for a little bit. I have to get back, and really I just want a salad.” Jax put his hand on the small of my back and rubbed while he leaned in and said, “Jay will be hurt if you don’t eat his burger. It’s a new meal he’s trying.”
“Don’t lie.” I straightened to try to deter the rubbing that sent sparks to areas I didn’t need them sent. “He makes this all the time.”
While Jay threw more spices on the grill, Jax whispered in my ear. “You told me you were reviewing your assignment alone this afternoon. You lied.”
“And you told me you were going back into the city,” I hissed leaning away from him.
“Only because you canceled on me.” He waited a beat. “Now, I’m wondering the real reason you canceled.”
I looked away. I wasn’t going to tell him it was because I wasn’t sure us hanging out was helping me to get closure. I wasn’t even sure I could find a way to call him just my friend.
Especially with him sitting there rubbing my back.
“Stop that.” I shoved his hand away, and he laughed.
I wanted to scream at him.
“And burgers are served,” Jay said turning around with a pile of plates and burgers. “You guys get started. I’m going to go change. Got grease on this shirt.”
He disappeared from the room and I felt the walls closing in. I could swear Jax felt it also, because he got up from his stool to move in closer to me.
“Why did you cancel today?”
I rolled my lips between my teeth and didn’t answer. I couldn’t. Not with him so close. Not with him holding my gaze like he wanted the world from me and was willing to take it. Jax never settled for less, and I was sure I couldn’t give him any of it.
Not even an answer to his question.
So, I shrugged. He grunted as he took a step closer. “Whitfield, there’s a reason.”
He was right. There was a reason I wasn’t willing to share.
He gripped my thighs and my eyes shot to his hands. Then, he started to rub circles.
It was automatic for him. It had to be muscle memory.
Or something he did with most women.
My body didn’t think so though. Heat flooded my veins, and my heart echoed those three words I’d heard him say on the voice mail.
When he stepped closer still, my legs spread willingly to let him push up against me. He leaned down, and I looked up at him.
The man couldn’t be denied what he wanted. Not when he looked like that. The sun shone from the window onto him like a god, and he smirked at me like he knew I’d be fine with him right up against me, close enough to kiss me.
We’d been this close before, closer six years before, but right then, I teetered on the brink of insanity. So off balance and unsure.
Yet, I’d been on solid ground for a long enough time without him.
I’d played it completely safe.
With him looking at me like he used to, I wondered if we needed to fall over the edge into insanity, to get lost in each other to find ourselves again.
At the moment our lips would have touched, Jax turned his head and smelled my hair.
“Cinnamon. I swear, I am addicted to it.” He ran his hand through my hair on the other side of my face and I felt him fiddling behind my head. My hair fell out of its bun in waves. “Come to dinner with me tonight. I’ll take you anywhere you want.”
That snapped me back to reality.
Anywhere? He couldn’t take me anywhere.
We went to the library just to stay secluded enough from the local media and paparazzi.
Beyond that, he’d had the chance to take me to dinner years ago, to go anywhere with me years ago, and he hadn’t even picked up the phone.
Now, we were two very different people, getting along for the sake of me passing my class and for Jay.
I shook my head and shoved him back to stand up. “I don’t want to go to dinner with you, Jax. I’m busy.”
“Busy doing what? Working on the assignment you’re supposedly working on now?” he said, stepping toward me again. My anger slipped as his eyes twinkled. ‘Just dinner, Brey.’
‘Don’t you have a girl to go to dinner with in the city?’ I hated that I’d whispered it, like I should feel guilty for finally pushing us past the small talk we’d done for weeks now.
I’d seen the magazines though. I’d seen the life he lived back home, the woman he was with back home. The one in magazines, the woman at his concerts on TV too.
Isabel. Beautiful. Smart. Perfect.
‘You want me to dump her?” He drawled the questions as if it was all a joke. “So, you want this to be a date? Not just working through things and being friends anymore?’
Maybe he was joking with me. Maybe this was all a joke to him and a way to pass the time.
Maybe none of this meant anything to him. And how could I be sure, really? He’d left me once like I’d been nothing. The only other proof I had of the contrary was a stupid little voice mail clanging around in my head every so often.
‘No,’ I said maybe a little too loudly as I leaned back to create a little distance between us. ‘I just mean, I don’t think she would like you going to dinner with anyone other than her. You guys can’t see a lot of each other with you being here, and I don’t trust the media to not spin something ludicrous about us.’
“Launch is almost over. She won’t mind if the media spins it that we went on a date.’
I didn’t care whether she would mind or not.
Because I did. That was the real problem.
I was starting to care about a lot of things when it came to him. Or maybe I’d never stopped caring.
I brushed past him and let out a breath.
I bustled around a little, grabbing silverware and went to set the dining room table. He followed silently, bringing in the food.
We moved around each other, comfortable enough to know where the other would go, careful enough to not get in one another’s way. We needed space, we needed to get ourselves in check before something we couldn’t take back happened.
Jay waltzed back in. “Why the hell do we have to eat at the dining room table?” he whined.
“Seriously, Jay, we spent forever picking this table out.” The man wanted to avoid eating like an adult at all costs.
“You might have spent forever picking it out. I spent forever flirting with that nice little lady selling it,” he mumbled around a bite of the burger.
I leaned over to grab some salad that Jax must have found in the fridge.
“You’re serious?” I already knew the answer.
“She was worth it, I promise,” he snickered.
“Ew.”
Jay’s chuckle turned into a full belly laugh when he saw my face.
“Can’t you give it a rest or find just one girl to be serious with?”
“Only girl I’m serious about is you, Sass Pot.” He grabbed his burger and took a bite while I tried to hide my smile.
“You gonna eat or what, man?” Jay said through a bite of his burger.
“Yeah, just thinking.” Jax stared at me.
“What?” I moved my hand over my mouth. He dragged his eyes over my face again and then dug into his burger, without answering.
My cell beeped, and I grabbed it to check the message.
Rome: Just left a married woman’s house. You don’t want to know … Can we reconsider not hooking up anymore? 😛
Aubrey: Throw me to the curb and get served. You’re on your own.
Rome: Cold, woman, real cold.
“Aubrey.” Jax’s voice was sharp. “You gonna eat?”
“Like I said, I am not that hungry,” I replied, looking back down at my phone just to irritate him.
“Is the person texting you that important?”
“My friends are always important.”
“Is that just a friend?” he asked.
I harrumphed. It wasn’t a question he had a right to ask.
He pointed one of his utensils at me. “You’ll be skin and bones if you don’t eat something.”
I glared. “And what am I now?’
Jax looked to Jay for help but Jay was shaking his head smirking into his food. He wasn’t getting involved. “You know exactly what I mean, Peaches. I don’t want … I mean, no man wants you to be …” Jax stumbled over what to say. “Well, they want you to be healthy. It’s a figure of speech.”
I raised my eyebrows. “You sure about that? The men I hang around seem to really like models.”
He choked and then coughed.
Jay silently laughed over on his side of the table.
“What’s so funny, Jay? Your ass has been dating models since your first movie.”
Jay didn’t miss a beat. “I don’t date anyone. They know it, and I know it.”
I rolled my eyes. “Can we save this for your guy talk later when I’m gone?”
Jay shrugged and changed the subject. “I gotta conference call about the movie in a few. If I’d have known you were coming over …”
I waved him off. “I didn’t call or tell you. It’s fine.”
He still looked remorseful. “I fly out to LA in a few days. You want to come to the airport with me?”
I nodded. “Of course.” My eyes flicked to Jax’s. “Rome can probably drive us.”
Jax grunted but Jay responded, “I got a driver but just come see me off.”
When he winked at me, my throat started closing and my eyes started to water just thinking about him leaving.
I jumped up and started grabbing plates to clean up. “I should get back home.”
Jay nodded toward the plates. “Leave it. I’ll have Jax do the dishes later since he’s crashing here.”
I waved him off. “Go get ready for your call. And let’s have dinner before you fly out.”
He nodded and stared at me and Jax a beat before leaving the room. It was his way of giving his brother space.
Space I didn’t want or need.
Jax glanced at my phone that pinged again. “Something got you in a rush to get back?”
I shook my head and wondered if he would be jealous that Rome was the one texting me. “I just need to get back.”
“You didn’t eat anything.”
“I’m not going to eat and then jog back home, Jax.”
“I’ll drive you.”
“If I don’t run home, I’ll be too wired later.” Not that I needed an excuse to not drive with him. I could barely be in the same room alone with him without feeling something. The same car was out of the question.
He stood, walking toward Jay’s bedrooms. “Wait a minute. I’ll go with you, all right?”
“Um …” He was already out of the room when I asked, “Why?”
Throwing my hands up, I decided I wasn’t waiting for an answer. Beelining for Jay’s front door, I figured I could text Jay later about my abrupt departure.
I was halfway down the street when Jax yelled, “You were supposed to wait.”
“I never said I would,” I managed between breaths.
His footsteps gained on me and before I knew it, his step was in sync just behind mine.
I looked over and he was just behind me, keeping pace. It dredged up memories of us years ago. Like a predator, he’d always kept me so close, just within his sight and grasp. I wondered if he was hungry enough to take another bite.
Our proximity was dangerous. I smelled him, and it was just like I remembered. Mint and sandalwood shaving cream was all around me. Every one of his footsteps had me imagining how much of a perfect machine he was when he worked out. It was like some gym gurus came together and built his muscles for advertising. His fitted T-shirt showed off his chest, his abs, and his muscular shoulders.
As his tennis shoes hit the pavement, his calf muscles took the impact gracefully. Every stride was fluid. His muscles stretched and bunched, drawing my eyes to them along with every other part of my body. The way he ran reminded me of how he moved doing other things. Things I shouldn’t be remembering.
I didn’t take any side routes. I needed to get home, away from him. The next two miles, we ran in silence with stolen glances. Every time I looked over at him, my body remembered another something. No sort of memory suppression can last when your first love is running alongside you, sweat dripping from his face, his neck, his arms.
Everywhere.
My heart was racing, and I was sweating.
It wasn’t from the run.
I willed myself to stop drooling over him and make it home without trying to jump my silent running partner. Instead, I figured I needed to push myself harder. I picked up speed, sprinting the last block to the apartments.
He matched my stride effortlessly.
I wanted to curse him out loud for it.
As we slowed at my apartment building, I turned to face him, totally out of breath. His thin sheen of sweat had me wondering just what I must look like now. Without being able to even muster up a quick wave, I bent over and put my hands on my knees.
He chuckled as he stood over me. I’m not too proud to say I didn’t care that he was mocking my exhaustion. I was just happy his shadow blocked the sunlight.
The breeze cooled me quickly enough, and I attempted to gather myself as I straightened. Smoothing my hair back and then resorting to pulling out my ponytail to tie it all back more tightly, I eyed him. “I’m not sure why you decided to jog with me but you can go now.”
His mouth kicked up to smirk at me. “I missed you, Peaches.”
I squinted at him, not sure my exhaustion had me imagining it. “What?”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “I missed you.”
Something in the way he said it, standing there so full of confidence and being so candid had me wanting to jump over the big hurdle that was our past.
If he could be open and transparent, what reason did we have to hold on to things that caused us pain before?
Running made me honest. It made me see reality clearly. “I missed you too.”
As I said it, his mouth dropped a little and then he snapped it back up.
He backed away as if what I’d said was enough for him. “Let me know the next time you’re going to run outside looking that good. Can’t have you going alone.”
It was my turn to be surprised. I glanced down at myself.
When I glanced back up, he was jogging away from me but turned to wink.
My heartbeat picked up and that, I told myself, was the reason I had to hold on to the pain we had been through before. If I didn’t, I’d fall headfirst in love with the person who’d made me scared of it in the first place.