In Too Deep

Chapter 10

My stomach has been in knots all day, making my classes feel like they dragged every full minute as I constantly clock watched through the entire day.

“Heading out for your date?” Violet teased as I was about to leave our room. I shot her a fake glare.

“It’s not a date, I just need to speak to him.” I told her. Ryan had finally agreed to meet me to talk about what happened after our workout.

“If you say so.” She didn’t believe me. I shook my head at her with a smile and headed out the door.

Ryan picked me up outside Fair Lake and drove me to a clearing in the woods, he had packed picnic food and a blanket, so we could talk privately. I tried not to think about how this setting, a picnic under the stars could be seen as romantic. Violet would have a field day.

“I wasn’t sure what you’d like.” Ryan said nervously as he gestured to the basket of food.

“It all looks great.” I tried to reassure him.

We both sat on the blanket and began eating in silence. Ryan’s picnic consisted of sandwiches, chocolate covered strawberries and a bottle of red wine. I don’t particularly know a lot about wine, but the name sounded Italian, so it must be good right?

“How have you been?” I tried to start our conversation off simply to relieve some of the tension between us.

“I was out of town on a job for a while. I’m sorry I didn’t return your calls, I didn’t know what to say.” He tried to explain his actions over the past few months.

“It’s ok, I’m sorry about how I reacted, you just took me by surprise is all.” I told him.

“Yeah I realised that.” He said, there was a moment of silence between us. “You really didn’t know?” He asked. I shook my head.

“You’ve always been a great friend to me, I guess I just never thought of you that way.” I said and he winced. “Or maybe I’m just absurdly unobservant.” I added, trying to lighten the mood.

“I think I agree with that last statement.” He said and we both laughed, some of my nerves falling away at the sound of his laugh. We both relaxed and started talking like we always did, and it felt like I had my friend back. I no longer felt awkward around him.

“How has work been?” I asked.

“Why, getting bored being studious?” He teased.

“Ugh yes, don’t get me started.” I don’t want to go through my lack of finding anything suspicious at Fair Lake.

“I’ll let Smithy know that you could do with an assignment.” He said.

“Thanks, I’d appreciate that.”

We laid side by side on the blanket, after eating way too much food, looking up at the stars. Ryan pointed out different constellations that we could see from that spot, and I only had to correct him on a few that he got wrong. He laughed when he realised I wasn’t going to allow him to get away with the incorrect information. He turned on to his side, his eyes shining in the moonlight and we were both silent for a moment.

My breathe caught as he leaned towards me slowly, making his intentions clear. I didn’t stop him as he kissed me, rolling so he was on top of me, but being careful not to crush me under his weight. I could feel his toned body as he pressed closer to me, deepening the kiss. He brushed his soft lips down my neck and across my chest, my eyes fluttering closed as he sucked the skin on my neck.

He rolled us over so I was on top of him now. He wound his hands through my hair and pulled my lips back to his. I pressed my body flush against his, we couldn’t be any closer. His strong arms held me against him, my mind raced, I wasn’t sure how we had gotten back in to this situation, my aim for this evening was to repair the damage our last kiss had done to our friendship.

I couldn’t stop my mind from drifting to the last time I was in a very similar situation, I stopped thinking about my kiss with Ryan, and started thinking about kissing Bastien instead. It was Bastien’s arms I imagined around me, and his hard body pressed against me.

Shocked at where my thoughts had gone I sharply pulled away from Ryan, scrambling off of his body in one swift movement. I rubbed my hands over my face, not understanding how Bastien managed to intrude in to my thoughts so suddenly.

I looked over to Ryan to see hurt and confusion clear on his face. Guilt made me feel sick to my stomach.

“Freya, are you ok?” Ryan asked concerned.

“It’s not you, I just –“ I shook my head, I wasn’t sure how to explain what just happened, I of course couldn’t tell him the truth. The last thing a guy wants to hear is that you started imagining kissing someone else whilst you were kissing them.

“I wasn’t trying to pressure you, I thought it was ok-“ Ryan began, but I interrupted him.

“Ryan no, I wanted you to kiss me. Damn I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I rubbed my hands over my face again, trying to clear my head. He shuffled closer to me and took my hands in his.

“Freya, what’s going on in that head of yours?” His concern for me was clear in his voice. “Is there, is there someone else?” He dreaded asking, and my hesitation answered him before I got the chance to. Pain shone in his eyes before he had the chance to look away.

“Ryan, it’s not that simple. It’s complicated.” I didn’t know where to even begin to try and explain the situation with Bastien. “I’m not dating anyone.”

“But there’s someone else you’re interested in.” His voice cracked with pain. I had really hurt him. I don’t think I’ll be able to repair the damage I’ve done to our friendship this time.

“I don’t really know what I want, I’m just confused.” He shook his head at my pitiful answer and we sat there in silence. After a while Ryan started packing up the picnic and we headed back to his car. He drove me back to Fair Lake in the worst silence. He stopped by the gates and didn’t speak as he waited for me to get out of his car.

“Ryan, I really am sorry.” He nodded but didn’t speak, I don’t think he could. I got out of the car and watched as he drove away. I headed back to my room, I closed the door behind me and leant against it for a moment with my eyes closed.

“How was your date?” Violet asked without turning around from her desk. When I didn’t answer she turned in her chair, her look turning to one of concern when she saw my face. “Freya, what’s wrong?”

“Violet, I’m a horrible person.” My voice cracked. She jumped up and led me over to my bed by my hands.

“No you’re not, tell me what happened.” She demanded softly.

I explained the situation with Ryan, how he had kissed me after our workout months ago, the reason I had needed to see him this evening to try and fix our friendship, and how he had ended up kissing me again tonight. I explained how much I had hurt him.

“But if you don’t like him that way, then it’s not your fault.” Violet tried to make me feel better.

“It’s not that, I wanted him to kiss me, but there’s someone else as well.” Her eyes widened.

“Who?”

“Bastien.” I told her.

“Who’s Bastien?” Violet asked.

“My Economics teacher.” Her mouth gaped open in shock and her eyes widened even more. I went on to explain what had happened the first time I had met Bastien in class, and ended with explaining the kiss we shared in the gym that evening. After I finished explaining everything Violet sat there in shocked silence.

“Wow, I had no idea.” She didn’t know what to say.

“So now you know why I’m such a terrible person. I turned down a guy tonight who really cares for me, who I’ve known for years. All because of a guy who I can’t have because he’s my teacher. To sum it up I have no idea what I want, my head’s a complete mess.” I led down on my bed, rubbing my hands over my face.

“No wonder why, anyone’s would be. But Freya, none of that makes you a terrible person, you have to know that.” I shook my head, I get the feeling that she would see the good in anyone.

“I don’t know what to do. What if I just avoid them both, do you think that will work?” I asked hopefully.

“Possibly not.” She shook her head. “So who’s the better kisser?” She asked suddenly, trying to lighten the mood. I couldn’t help but laugh. That was the last thing I expected her to come out with.

“They’re actually both really good kissers.” I winked.

“Damn I wish I had your problems.” She joked and we both burst in to laughter.

I still felt terrible for hurting Ryan, but my problems felt a little less awful after sharing them with Violet.