If You Want Me (The Toronto Terror Series)

“Ineed another martini.” I tip my glass back and drain the last of it. I’m making bad choices tonight, like drinking too much. The past few days have been a lot of wallowing and dissecting what’s happened between me and Hollis.

I’ve deduced that we’re hot for each other, but Hollis is apparently a masochist with poor impulse control since he keeps doing things he says he shouldn’t. These boundaries he enforces and then steamrolls are pissing me off.

“I also need another drink.” Rix peeks over the back of the booth, presumably looking for her boyfriend.

“What kind of drink do you think I’d like?” Tally muses.

Rix looks back at Tally with a somber expression. “Don’t rush to grow up, Talls. It’s okay to enjoy your life in the phase you’re in.”

“Plus, drinking isn’t that cool and the hangovers are stupid.” Dred pats her on the shoulder.

“I always add club soda to my drinks to avoid the hangovers,” Shilpa says.

“Water is the elixir of life.” Hemi nods.

I spot Hollis by the bar with Dallas. “I’ll get us another round.”

“Aren’t you the sweetest?” Rix gives me a knowing look.

“Everyone want another one?” I slide out of the booth.

Dred taps her bottle. “I will take another beer.”

“I’m good.” Shilpa shakes the ice around in her half-full glass.

“I’m also good,” Hemi replies.

“One of these days you will have more than one drink,” I tell her.

“Your birthday is coming up, isn’t it, Hemi?” Tally asks.

Hemi gives her a look. “How did you know that?”

“Dallas mentioned it last week.”

“Freaking Dallas,” Hemi mutters.

As if he can hear us talking about him, he looks our way, gives us a chin raise, and winks at Hemi. She flips him off.

Tonight is the first time Hollis has been out of his penthouse since the accident. We haven’t talked about what happened the other day, when Scarlet came on the TV and he promptly sent me home. But since then, I’ve done an unreasonable amount of research on them as a couple. It doesn’t take a genius to see that relationship left him with scars on his heart. Not when one minute he’s giving me long hugs that feel like there’s so much more than simple comfort wrapped up in them and letting me take care of him, and the next he’s telling me to leave. Conflicted seems to be his primary emotion when it comes to me. It’s making me angsty, and I’m also inclined to be bratty—AKA the button-pusher, as Hollis likes to call me.

Tomorrow the team has an away game, so tonight they’re out talking game strategy at the Watering Hole. My dad is deep in conversation with Ash, and Dallas has just gone to the bathroom, which means Hollis is currently on his own at the bar. I slide into the spot beside him and order a round of drinks.

He gives me a sidelong glance. “You look like trouble tonight.”

I know this already. I picked my outfit for maximum button pushing. I don’t look at him when I reply. “You can’t say things like that and not expect me to read into them.”

He sips his beer. He must be off the pain meds. “You can’t come to a bar braless and expect me not to notice.”

My sweater is off the shoulder, which is bare. “You seem to be paying an awful lot of attention to my wardrobe choices lately.”

“I’m trying to stay on the right side of the line, but it’s hard when I want to gouge out every set of eyes that notices how good you look the same way I do,” he grumbles into his glass.

I fucking love grumpy Hollis. I love it when he looks like he’s thinking about doing naughty things to me. “So you admit you like my tits, Hollis?” It comes out way breathy.

“You’re pushing it, Princess.”

I think I love keep-doing-that-and-there-will-be-consequences Hollis even more than grumpy Hollis. “Bet you’d love to teach me a lesson or two about that, huh?” God, I’m skating the edge here.

He grinds his teeth.

The bartender sets a margarita, a martini, and a beer in front of me.

“I’ve got those.” Hollis passes his card over.

“Thanks.” My shoulder brushes his when I lean in close, dropping my voice. “By the way, broody and sexually frustrated is a good look on you. I look forward to fucking myself later to the memory of that exact facial expression.” I wink, gather the drinks, and leave him glowering after me.

I’d like to say I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. But I’m horny as hell, probably getting my period, annoyed by how hot Hollis looks, frustrated by his unwillingness to budge from the we-can’t-go-there stance, and maybe a little drunk. Definitely a little drunk since this is my third martini in less than two hours.

“Why does Hollis look extra intense?” Tally asks as I set the drinks on the table.

“The team doctor said he needs to stay home and rest during the upcoming away series,” Hemi says.

“Really?” That’s news to me. “When did he find that out?” I ask.

“Just before he got here tonight,” Hemi explains. “It was not the calmest conversation from the little I could hear.”

“Isn’t the coaches’ office at the other end of the hall?” Rix asks.

“Yeah.” Hemi sips her water.

“Sitting on a bench for three hours in the cold probably isn’t the best for a healing knee,” Dred muses.

“I feel bad for him, even though he scares me. He’s just so intimidating and serious all the time. I swear I’ve only seen him smile like five times ever,” Tally says. “He was having such a great season.”

“It hasn’t been easy for him.” It’s like he’s reliving last year all over again, and here I am being antagonistic. “His bark is worse than his bite, though.” I steal a look his way, and he narrows his gaze before turning back to Dallas.

“I can attest to this. He’s always been pleasant with me,” Shilpa agrees.

“I totally crushed on him as a teen,” I admit. And that sure hasn’t changed.

“Really?” Tally’s eyes light up. “I used to have a huge crush on one of my dance instructors. But I was thirteen.” She folds her hands on the table and looks at me expectantly. “I want to know more about your crush on Hollis.”

I shouldn’t have said anything. Fuck me.

“How come this is the first I’ve heard of this?” Hemi asks.

We worked together every day for three months. We shared a lot of stories, and I learned a lot about the guys on the team, including how extensive her hate-on for Dallas is. But I did not share this. I would never share this.

“I don’t know. I’m in drunk-blab mode, I guess.” I shrug. “I pretended to be bad at algebra once because I found out Hollis was good at it.”

“You pretended to be bad at algebra?” Rix makes it sound like I’ve committed a heinous crime.

“Yeah. I intentionally failed a test in grade nine and everything. I had this entire plan.” At the time I thought it was genius.

“We need to hear about this plan,” Hemi encourages.

Am I really going to spill the beans on this? “He’d been over one night while I was working on homework and I’d asked my dad for help. Math wasn’t his jam, but apparently it was Hollis’s. In my head I’d come up with this master plan that he would be my tutor and I’d get to sit with him for uninterrupted hours while he explained the Pythagorean theorem. And he did help me. But only once.”

During that one session I got to stare at his profile and imagine what it would be like if he kissed me. And now I have firsthand knowledge. I would give my left nipple to feel his lips on mine again. To hear him groan, to have his tongue sweeping my mouth.

“Why only once?” Tally asks.

“My dad hired an actual tutor who was not cute or fun.”

“That backfired in the worst way!” Rix chuckles.

“Totally. I brought my marks up in a hurry, but it took a month of twice a week sessions before my dad let me off the hook.” And I never did something that stupid again. Until BDF—Batdick Fiasco, anyway.

“Does Hollis know this?” Hemi asks.

“That I faked being bad at algebra? Of course not.”

“What about your teen crush? Does he know about that?” Dred asks.

“Oh, God, no.” It’s bad enough he knows I have the hots for him now. He doesn’t need to know about my teen crush, or that it never really went away. I mostly admired him from a safe distance. But he was always nice to me when I was a teen. Kind. Gentle. Soft, when he could be the opposite with everyone else. I was always Princess. But like everything else, that nickname has shifted lately.

“I wonder what he’d say. I bet he’d be flattered. You’re so beautiful, and fun, and smart,” Tally says.

“Thanks, Talls. You’re stunning and sweet and brilliant, and you should be told that often. Also, I would prefer to never find out how he feels about my teen crush.”

“How who feels about your teen crush?” Tristan asks.

“That’s not information you need,” Rix says.

“Bea had a crush on me when she was fourteen, but I was too much of an idiot to see it, thank fuck, because I would have screwed that up hard back then.” He inclines his head. “You’re a goddamn saint, and I love you.”

Rix smiles. “I love you, too.”

“I need you to sleep over at my place tonight, so I can show you how much I love you with…” His gaze jumps to Tally for a moment before returning to Rix. “All of my body parts.”

“Someone hide the cucumbers.” Tally slaps a hand over her mouth and sinks down in her seat, eyes comically wide.

Shilpa looks confused and leans over to whisper something to Hemi, who shakes her head and mutters, “Later.”

Tristan’s mouth opens and closes. His cheeks flush. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him blush.

I pat his arm. “We already know we’re going to hell; at least the trip will be fun.”

He walks away and I swear the tips of his ears are bright red.

“Oops, sorry,” Tally whispers.

Rix waves off the apology. “He’ll survive his embarrassment.”

“You know what we should talk about…” Hemi gracefully changes the subject.

“Not my sex life?” Rix offers.

“I disagree. I think we should definitely talk about Rix’s sex life,” Shilpa argues.

“Some things are better left to your imagination.” Hemi rests her chin on her steepled fingers. “Let’s discuss the gala.”

“I got your email this morning. I’m staying on top of everything,” I assure her. We have weekly planning meetings. I pull my newest checklist up on my phone. “I’m checking in with the Hockey Academy this week.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to call? Or even Phillip or Dallas?” Hemi offers.

This will be the second follow-up call, but I want to be the one who secures attendees. I need this to be my baby, and I need to be the one who makes it amazing. “I can handle it, but I’ll let you know if I need your backup.”

“No problem. Usually, I’m on an intravenous coffee drip at this point with all the juggling. And it’s proving more than anything that I need an assistant. My role has morphed so much over the past two years.”

“That’s because you’re efficient, and you love the challenge of taking on new things,” Shilpa says.

“This is accurate.” Hemi sighs. “What about the date packages? Do you need help with any of those?”

“Nope. I’m almost finished creating the packages for the auction, and all the restaurants are comping the meals.” It’s been fun setting up these experiences and tailoring them to the player.

“You are amazing. And having this all set up before the auction will make my life so much easier once the event is over. Hopefully an organized agenda will keep Flip from sleeping with whoever buys a night with him,” Hemi grumbles.

“I mean…he’s been better lately, so we can hope for the best,” Rix says, probably cautiously optimistic.

Tally pokes at her lime.

“How much did he go for last year?” I ask.

“Seventy-four thousand,” Tally offers. She looks around the table, cheeks flushed. “I think, anyway. And Dallas went for fifty-two.”

“That was damn well magical to watch Fielding’s great-grandmother kiss him full on the lips.” Hemi laughs evilly.

“Your hate-on for him is vast and unyielding,” I muse.

“Like the desert, brutal and unrelenting,” Shilpa mutters.

“That’s an excellent comparison.” Hemi sips her water. “Is Hollis still on board?”

I asked him months ago, before…everything. I wasn’t super excited about him going on a date back then, but I’m even less excited now. Especially since the date I designed for him is my personal fantasy. “He hasn’t said anything about backing out.”

“Great.” Hemi leans in and drops her voice. “And you extended the invitation to Scarlet and her castmates?”

“I did, and I’m following up again this week.” I felt like I was going to vomit the entire time, but I talked to her assistant.

“If you don’t hear back, I can follow up. If she says yes, we can do some really cool cross-promotion. It’ll elevate the event.”

Part of me secretly hopes there will be a scheduling conflict and Scarlet won’t make it. But the part that wants this to be the best gala we’ve ever had knows it would be fantastic if she could be there. I pull my scrunchie free from my wrist and finger the fabric. I found it the other day in Hollis’s bedroom when I fed the cats. It smells faintly of his laundry detergent and body wash. I slip it back on my wrist before I give in to the urge to sniff it in front of my friends.

Rix grabs my wrist. “You found your favorite scrunchie! Where was it?”

“At Hollis’s. It must have fallen out of my pocket.” I wonder when he found it. And why was it on his dresser?

Tally’s phone buzzes on the table, and she checks the screen with a sigh. “I have to go home.”

It’s a school night, and it’s closing in on ten. She has a ten-thirty weeknight curfew.

“I’ll drive you,” Hemi offers.

“Are you sure? I know it’s early.”

“Absolutely. I have a coffee date tomorrow morning.”

“Coffee date?” I ask as we all perk up. “With who?”

“Just some guy I met online. I need a date for this thing in the summer, so I’m starting on the mission early.” Hemi shrugs into her jacket.

“Summer? But that’s months away,” Rix says.

“Ash’s cousin could be a good option,” Shilpa offers.

“I love you, and I love the offer, but I’m a lot of woman, and I don’t want that kind of awkwardness if he decides I’m not his type.” Hemi hugs Shilpa’s arm.

“I think you’re the perfect amount of woman, but I also understand.” Shilpa’s gaze shifts across the room to where Ash and Dallas are chatting.

“I need a good head start. Online dating is a nightmare,” Hemi says. “Zero out of ten, don’t recommend.”

“I tried it once. Epic fail.” Rix also grabs her jacket. “Speaking of potential nightmares…Tristan has been boring a hole in the side of my head for the past half hour. I should probably get him home before he drags me into the bathroom.”

“Would he really do that?” Tally asks as we slide out of the booth.

“I’d like to think he wouldn’t, but I can never be sure.”

Tristan, who was on the other side of the bar three seconds ago, is suddenly at Rix’s side. “We’re going home, baby?”

She pats his chest. “Yes, we’re going home.”

“Thank fuck.” He kisses her cheek then helps her into her jacket. “Ladies, have a nice night. Tell the guys I said bye.” He takes Rix’s hand before she can go in for good-bye hugs and drags her out the door.

“I want someone to want me that much.” Tally has a dreamy, faraway look on her face.

“We all want that.” Hemi pats her on the back.

“I have that, and it is glorious,” Shilpa declares.

We say our good-byes, and Hemi’s about to offer to drive me, but my dad is on his way out, too. Apparently, Hollis left a while ago. Before BDF, he would always stop to say good night to all of us before he took off. But like everything else, I guess that’s changed.

I’m tipsy as I follow my dad to the elevator back at home—not so bad that I can’t walk a straight line, but my brain is sloshy, and all I can think about is Hollis and that kiss.

“You’ll keep an eye on Hollis this week?” Dad asks.

“Yeah, of course.” The team leaves in the morning for the away series.

“Thanks, honey. He’s doing better, but I think he’s hurting more than he’s letting on.” We wait for the elevator to arrive. “I don’t want him alone and stewing all week.”

I swallow the sudden wave of guilt and wonder how much worse it must be for Hollis. He kissed me. I wanted it to happen more than I wanted my next breath. But the fallout isn’t anything I planned for. Or how awful it feels to keep this secret from my dad. I force a smile, but it feels heavy. “He really wants to finish this season.”

Last year was hard on him. My heart hurts thinking of the dark places his mind may go this time.

Dad nods, his expression softening, maybe misreading my guilt for empathy. “He might be able to get back on the ice if we make it to the playoffs.”

“We can cross our fingers.” I switch the subject. “Do you need me to tackle anything besides groceries and laundry while you’re away? And did you leave me a list?”

“The list is on the counter.”

“Should I pull out your spring wardrobe?”

“I know you’ve got a lot on your plate with school and everything else.”

“I don’t mind.” If I don’t rotate his wardrobe, his closet is a nightmare.

“Only if you have time. We still have some weeks with snow left. Before I forget, how’s that Jameson kid? You planning a second date?”

“I think we’re better off as friends.” Even though he’s the kind of guy my dad wants for me.

He kisses the top of my head. “That’s too bad, kiddo. You deserve the best. Don’t ever forget it.”

I hug my dad and wish him luck when the elevator stops at my floor. The apartment is empty when I come in. Rix will spend the night at Tristan’s. Unless they have early practice, it’s where she sleeps when he’s not traveling. It’s only a matter of time before she moves into his place.

I flip the latch and lock the door behind me, heading for my bedroom. Since I have the place to myself, I can make as much noise as I want. I strip out of my clothes, shivering as the cool air caresses my bare, overheated skin. I retrieve Batdick from my nightstand drawer and my bottle of lube—I doubt I’ll need the latter, but better to be prepared than fumbling around for it when I’m halfway to an orgasm. I also grab Hollis’s hoodie from my dresser and lay it over my pillow.

I’m a little obsessed.

I climb into bed and pull up one of the folders on my phone. It’s labeled STUDY MATERIALS. It’s actually full of pictures and video footage of Hollis from games. I made a video compilation of all my favorite Hollis moments a while back. In many, he’s squirting water into his mouth. I run my hand over my stomach as I settle in, then realize I still have my scrunchie on my wrist and free it.

As my video compilation plays, I run the soft fabric over my lips. The Hollis scent is slowly fading. As I watch him wipe sweat from his face and chew on his mouth guard—it should not be hot, but it is—I again wonder when he found the scrunchie and why he hadn’t given it back. Especially when he knew it was my favorite.

I pause my video, and before I can rethink it, I hold the scrunchie in front of my bare knees, take a picture, and send it to him.

Aurora

Why was this on your dresser?

I hold my breath as the humping dots appear.

Hollis

Why were you in my bedroom? Again.

Aurora

Kitty love.

I’m being intentionally suggestive. The dots appear and disappear a few times.

Hollis

I thought we agreed that my bed wasn’t your pleasure playground.

I bite my lip and press my knees together.

Aurora

I was referring to Postie and Malone. Good to know where your head is though.

I’ve been a good girl and only used your spare bedroom. And I never leave evidence.

Hollis

Untrue. You left your scrunchie, and the constant change of sheets tells me all the things you don’t, which is its own special brand of mindfuck.

His honesty is unexpected, and it emboldens me.

Aurora

What did you do to my scrunchie, Hollis?

Hollis

I washed it.

Aurora

Why did it need washing?

Hollis

I found it on the floor.

Aurora

Why did it end up on your dresser?

The dots appear and disappear several times.

Aurora

Did you do naughty things to my scrunchie?

Hollis

Go to sleep, little girl. You have class in the morning.

That’s as good as a yes.

Aurora

Can you say that again in a voice message?

I hold my breath as I wait to see if he’ll respond. A minute later, a voice memo appears.

His rasping command sends a shiver down my spine. “Stop pushing my buttons, Princess.”

I listen to it on repeat while putting Batdick to use. And come twice.