If You Hate Me (The Toronto Terror Series)

Shit has officially gone sideways. It’s been two days, and Flip isn’t talking to me. I get it. I went behind his back and fucked his sister. Repeatedly. Excessively. If the roles were reversed, I’d feel the same. But because we live together and play on the same team, it’s doubly difficult to manage.

And to make things worse, Bea has turned to ice. Sure, she still makes food and leaves it in the fridge for us. And she still cleans the house and smells amazing and looks like my personal wet dream, even when she’s scowling. But she’s freezing me out. She leaves extra early for work and comes home late. She’s also not responding to my text messages.

Not seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, or being able to wrap my arms around her is killing me. I thought Flip finding out would be the worst thing that could happen, but it turns out Bea avoiding me is even more fucking terrible.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know if I can fix this, and it’s freaking me out. My best friend won’t acknowledge me, and Bea won’t let me near her. I’m screwing up my life. Losing everything good. The only things left are my family and hockey. Before it was enough, but now… I don’t know. I don’t want to implode my friendship, and I don’t want to stop this thing with Bea. It’s about more than the sex. Not talking to her is ruining me. I’d gotten used to texting her all the time. She’s the first person I think about when I wake up and the last person I want to see before I go to bed. I miss stolen moments and her hugs.

Then three days after the shit hit the fan, it hits the fan again. We’re traveling tomorrow, so I’m in the kitchen, hoping Bea will come down from the loft so I can talk to her. It’s going on ten. She has to go to bed soon. Could I go up there? Yes. But that would be invading her space, which she doesn’t have much of. And I’m terrified that if I push, she’ll end up leaving. She’s iced me out, and I’m sitting here fucking frozen.

Flip is out, and because he’s not talking to me, I have no idea when he’s coming home. If he’s coming home. We’ve been driving separately to practice.

This week is hitting high on the shitty barometer.

At ten fifteen, Flip walks through the door. He’s not alone, which is unsurprising. Nor are the two giggling women trailing after him. What is a surprise, and a kick in the balls, is that they’re familiar. Their eyes light up when they see me.

“Tristan! Hey! We didn’t know you were here.” One of them shoves at Flip’s chest. “We had so much fun the last time we hung out, didn’t we, Trinity?” She runs her nails down her friend’s arm.

“So much fun.” Her heels click on the floor as she shuffle-runs over and throws her arms around me, then tries to climb into my lap.

I untangle myself from her arms. The only person’s hands I want on me are Bea’s. “Sorry, I’m not part of the package tonight.”

“You sure you don’t want in?” Flip gives me a tight smile and throws his arm around not-Trinity’s shoulder. “We had a lot of fun last time, didn’t we?”

“So much fun,” not-Trinity says.

Of course now Bea comes down from the loft.

“Oh! Hey, girl! You joining the party?” Trinity asks.

“That’s my sister,” Flip says flatly.

“Fuck you, Flip.” Bea fires the bird at him.

“I think it’s my best friend you’re fucking,” he calls back. “Nice to know where everyone’s loyalty lies around here.”

“Eat a dick.” The bathroom door slams shut, and the shower turns on.

“She’s probably got her period,” Flip tells his friends.

“She doesn’t have her fucking period, you idiot. She’s mad at you for being a hypocritical asshole, and she’s mad at me for…” I don’t actually know why she’s mad at me, but I can guess. “…being me.” I run a hand through my hair and give the girls a tight-lipped smile. “Can you give Flip and me a minute?”

He pats not-Trinity on the butt. “Go get comfy. I’ll be right there.”

They hustle off to his bedroom.

“Look, Flip, I get that you’re pissed, and you have every right to be. I lied to you. Bea lied to you. But how does this make anything better?” I motion to his closed bedroom door. “Why are you throwing this shit in our faces?”

“Before Rix moved in, you would have been all over those two with me. In fact, you were all over those two with me.” He says it loud enough that I’m sure Bea can hear.

“You didn’t leave a lot of room to turn you down,” I snap.

“I never heard you complain.” He crosses his arms.

I rub the back of my neck, frustrated. I expected his anger, but this is blatant, in-your-face sabotage. “What could I say when you brought two or three women home and told them we’d all party together? If I ever wanted to tap out, you’d tell me you needed me as your wingman, that I had to take the pressure off. Before you moved in, you want to know how many times I tag-teamed a woman?” I make an O with my fingers. “Zero times. And now you’re bringing home these women for what reason? To remind me of all the shit I’ve done in the past? You’re disrespecting Bea. Like she needs to see this.”

“She doesn’t need to be here. She can get her own damn apartment. And it’s never bothered her before, so why would it bother her now?”

“How do you know it doesn’t bother her? Have you asked her? Or do you assume because she only jokes about it that she’s cool with it? Because that’s what you did with me. Just assumed I’d want to get in on your fuck parade.” I’m so angry that I’ve gotten myself into this shitty situation, that I sat by and allowed this to happen. I hate that I was so hung up on keeping Flip happy that I went along with his plan.

“I didn’t hear you complaining.”

“It was something we did, and I fully participated, but it was really your thing, Flip, not mine. Think about how things have been since Bea moved in. How many women have I brought home since the day she started sleeping in the loft?”

“You had that one who left all the scratches. Right at the beginning of training camp.”

I cross my arms, waiting for him to figure it out.

“You started sleeping with my sister back then?”

That was literally the first time. Not that Flip needs the specifics.

“What’s your plan with Rix, huh? You don’t do relationships. The last girl you dated lasted all of what, two months before you tossed her out? What’s your record? Three and a half months? Rix has had three long-term boyfriends, all of them for at least a year. She does monogamy and stability, and you can’t give her either. Or is this your attempt at settling down?”

I rub my bottom lip, the sting of his words hard to take. He knows me better than anyone. Knows my history, what I’m like. I want Bea to talk to me. I want her to stay. I want this to not just be about sex, but maybe he’s right. Maybe I can’t be what she needs. “She doesn’t want anything serious.”

“Is that what she said? Was that your agreement? You were going to bone each other until what? I found out?” I open my mouth to speak, but he holds up a hand. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. I know you, man. You don’t commit. I can’t see you starting now.”

“That’s not fair.” Just because I haven’t doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. Or want it. I just don’t trust that I can have it, or that it can last, and Flip’s lack of faith underscores those worries.

“Dude, don’t talk to me about fair,” Flip counters. “I have been there for you. My whole family has been there for you—including my sister, even though you treated her like shit half the time, even when we were kids. Hell, my parents half raised you before your mom bailed. We’ve always treated you like family. Always. And you turn around and sleep with my sister?” His lip curls. “I know what you’re like. What you like. I know exactly how you are. I’ve seen it. So you can say I pressured you or whatever, but you can’t tell me you didn’t get down and dirty right along with me.” He shoves two fingers into my chest. “You better not fuck her up, or I’ll fuck you up right back.” He turns around and disappears into his bedroom.

“Shit.” I run my hands through my hair. Guilt rolls my stomach. Over the lies. Over the betrayal. Because I’m too chickenshit to admit what I really want.

Giggles filter through Flip’s door.

I wait for Bea to come out of the bathroom. When she finally does, she’s freshly showered and smells like everything I want. She looks exhausted, though. I know the feeling. I’ve slept like shit the past couple of nights.

She tips her head back to look at the ceiling but doesn’t say anything. When I raise my hand to touch the bruise on her cheek, she twists her head away and puts both hands up.

“I’m sorry I panicked. I should’ve stopped you from falling.” I should have done a lot of things.

She shakes her head. “A bruised cheek isn’t the issue, Tristan.”

I swallow past the lump in my throat. Memories I’ve worked to keep in a box surface. “There’s nothing you can do. I’m leaving.” I should have handled things differently. But I didn’t, and I don’t know how to fix it. “You don’t have to stay in the loft, Bea. You can stay in my room.”

“Why?” Her gaze shifts to the side. “So you can drown out the sound of their orgasms with mine? So you don’t have to deal with feeling like shit for the choices you wish you didn’t make? Thanks, but no thanks.” She brushes by me and heads for the loft.

The rejection is acid burning through my veins. I could give her my room. I could sleep in the loft so she can have some peace tonight. “I could⁠—”

She cuts me off with a wave of her hand. “I don’t want anything from you.” She disappears up the ladder.

I don’t stop her. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want her. I want to wrap my arms around her and make her stay with me. But I can’t be what she needs. And she was always going to leave.

An hour later, I stealthily open my bedroom door, partly to see if Flip is still going strong, and also because I can hear Bea talking, and I want to eavesdrop on the conversation.

“I fell face-first into the freaking floor. There’s a stupid bruise… Yeah, it wasn’t the best. I thought Flip was out all morning, but apparently not. Yeah…yeah. I wouldn’t be in this situation if I’d moved out last month.”

Silence follows. “Flip is being an asshole, and Tristan is…it’s a mess all the way around.” She sighs. “I wish I could come for a visit, too. Maybe soon. Then I won’t have to miss you so much or deal with my idiot brother losing his shit over my sex life. The double standard is unreal.” Another pause. “Yeah, my boss did mention a position out your way.” She laughs. “It wouldn’t be the worst idea.”

My stomach sinks. Of course she’s thinking about going to Vancouver. Why wouldn’t she? It’s only a matter of time before she’s out of the condo. Who knows how long it’ll be before she’s on the other side of the country.