If Only I Had Told Her

I have to do it. It’s the last thing I’ll get to do for my friend ever again.

I wake to that thought and hold it close all morning.

I’m doing this for Finn, I think as I get out of bed.

I’m doing this for Finn, I think as I put on my dress socks and shiny black shoes, as I shrug on my suit coat.

I drive myself to the funeral home early, for Finn, in case there’s anything I can do to help.

I park and enter the building. I head to the room he will be in.

She’s there.

Autumn sits on a stool next to his coffin, resting her cheek on its lid like it’s his shoulder. She was talking when I walked in, but she falls silent and raises her head.

“I’m sorry,” I say. It feels like I’ve walked in on them naked together, but Autumn shrugs and rests her head back on his box.

A few moments later, she asks, “Do you want to talk to him alone?” Her voice is still hoarse and quiet.

“No. I’m here in case…”

Autumn has closed her eyes as if she has forgotten I’m here.

“Should I go?”

“Only if you want to.” Her nonchalance chills me. “We’re just being close one last time.” She presses her cheek against the gray metal, and my stomach twists.

“Autumn,” I say, but she doesn’t answer me. She’s being with him.

I watch her, worried to leave her alone but not alone. Minutes pass. I think she forgets that I’m standing by the door. She begins to whisper again, and I hear her giggle once.

“I love you too,” she tells him in his box, and I bolt from the room.

I sit on the stiff couch in the hall. An employee asks if I’m here for the Smith memorial, and I tell him I’m a pallbearer. He tells me what I already knew: I’m early, and I should keep waiting where I am.

Before people start arriving, Autumn creeps out of the room. She’s wearing jeans and a T-shirt. She looks at me as she passes, like she isn’t sure if she should say anything to me or not.

“Where are you going?” I ask.

“I’m letting Sylvie have the funeral,” she says over her shoulder. “It only seems fair. My dad and I are going to the art museum instead. Finny wouldn’t want Dad at his funeral anyway. I’ll go by the graveyard later and make sure he’s settled in.”

And then she strolls out.