If It's Only Love (Lexi Ryan)

Easton

I spent the beginning of the week unpacking and trying to make the house feel a little more like home, but on Wednesday, I had to drive to Grand Rapids to go to a few meetings. I'm not officially starting until this summer, but I'm being kept in the loop regarding recruitment, and I like to be at all the coaching and athlete meetings.

I head into the house from the garage and drop my keys in the mudroom. I follow the smell of homemade spaghetti sauce and find Tori in the kitchen, stirring a pot on the stove. Abi's nowhere to be seen. "How was my girl's day?"

"It was okay. She's upstairs now," Tori says. "I think she might be a little homesick tonight."

"Hence the sauce?" I motion to the makings of my daughter's favorite meal.

She shrugs. "Maybe it will help.”

This was bound to happen sooner or later, but my chest aches nevertheless. Even though I know it'll be for the best in the long run, I hate that this transition is going to be tough for Abi on any level. "Thanks, Tori."

I head to the twisting stairwell at the front of the house. When I was a kid, I used to drive by the big houses that line Jackson Harbor's Lakeshore Drive and dream of what it must be like to own a place like this, to have a big enough family to fill it. One out of two isn't bad, and even if it's only me and Abi forever, I can be okay with that.

I find my daughter in her room, sprawled on her bed looking at pictures of her friends on her iPad. "Hey, squirt. How's it going?"

Frowning at me, she sits up and curls against the headboard. "I don't have any friends here."

"Not yet." I try to keep my voice upbeat, but the tears in her eyes slay me. "But you will with time."

"How do you know? What if I never make any friends? What if no one here likes me?"

"You met Lilly a couple of days ago, and she likes you."

She shrugs. "I guess."

I look at my watch. It's a school night, but it's only five. "Maybe Lilly could come over for dinner, then you two could play a little after. Would you like me to ask?"

She nods eagerly, so I give her my best reassuring smile and pull out my phone to text Ethan. He replies quickly.

Ethan: Shay is taking Lilly to gymnastics at 6. You should take Abi. All the kids get a trial class before you have to sign a contract.

I turn the phone so my daughter can read it, and she smiles for the first time since I walked into her room. "Can we please?" Spend our night with Shay? Twist my arm.

***

The girls giggle excitedly as they put their flip-flops back on after practice.

"What did you think, Abi?" I ask my daughter. "Did you like it?"

"I loved it!" She's practically vibrating with excitement as she grabs Lilly's hand. "I want to be in Lilly's class, though."

"I'll talk to the girls at the desk and see what I can do."

"It's the intro-level class," Shay says. "Since she's just getting started, this would be a good spot for her, and we could carpool."

"Carpool?"

"Well, I don't take Lilly every week, but she likes me to watch her, so I do a lot of the time. When I'm the one driving, I wouldn't mind swinging by to get Abi."

I arch a brow. "You think I'm going to miss out on spending an hour every week with my new friend?" I shake my head. "No, we're friends now, and I'm going to enjoy this hour." Shay's cheeks turn pink.

"Is Abi's dad your boyfriend, Aunt Shay?" Lilly asks.

Abi spins around and stares at me. "Is she?" She doesn't sound upset about the possibility, which is a relief, to be honest.

"Not yet," I say, winking at Shay. Her cheeks bloom to a darker shade of pink. "Right now we're just friends, but you never know what surprises life has in store."

Shay licks her lips. "We're good friends. We don't need to be more." I think it's even obvious to the eight- and nine-year-old girls watching us that Shay is trying to convince herself. "Would you be okay with me inviting Lilly out for ice cream?" I ask.

Shay nods. "I think that would be fine."

"What do you think, girls? Ice cream?"

The girls' cheers fill the corridor, and half a dozen parents turn disapproving frowns toward us. I pull my keys from my pocket. "Come on. We'll all ride together, and I'll bring Lilly and Shay back to get their car after. It's my treat."

The girls both want banana splits, which Shay and I agree is way too much ice cream and sugar. The girls argue that's unfair, since it's "practically half fruit." We compromise when they agree that they can share one.

I get a hot fudge sundae, and Shay has a small cone of vanilla ice cream. I know she didn't choose it to sexually frustrate me, so I try not to stare, but I can't deny that seeing her tongue and mouth at work puts serious ideas in my head. I'm hopeless.

The ice cream place has a tiny playground in the back, and after the girls finish maybe half their banana split, they're begging to play. It's warm enough today that they don't want to wear their jackets and cool enough that Shay and I insist they do. We watch them play and talk.

Lilly asks Abi about school, and Abi tells her she's going to go to a Jackson Harbor school next fall. Lilly tells her all about her teacher and the kids in her class and begs her to go to her school. I watch them, hoping that Abi has a friend in Lilly who she can count on, the way I always did in Carter.

"When will she see her mom?" Shay asks quietly beside me. "Or does Scarlett not...?"

"Oh, no, Scarlett's involved. She'll see her." I scrape a bit of ice cream off the side of the dish. "That's actually why I was in Chicago before. I was trying to help her find a place so she can split her time between L.A. and there. That way, when Abi wants to visit her mom for a weekend, she doesn't have to take a four-hour flight. And anyway, it'll be good for Scarlett to get away from that scene."

"I'm glad to hear it. I know you're an awesome dad and you'd give Abi everything she needs, but it's good that her mom still wants a relationship with her."

"They have a great relationship, actually. Scarlett spoils her a little, but she loves her madly." I study Shay's dark eyes and feel a pang of regret that I didn't try to keep up with her while I was in L.A. Once I had to let her go the second time, I just didn't trust myself, but regardless of what else happens between us, I do want us to be friends, and she doesn't know anything about my daughter's mother. "Scarlett's not a bad person, Shay. She's just... She was brought up in L.A., in the middle of all the money and fame. Her parents weren't like ours. They had totally screwed-up priorities and don't understand what life is like for normal people. Scarlett really has matured since becoming a mother."

"I thought she was nice when I met her."

I frown. "You met her? This last time she was in Jackson Harbor?"

"No, I met her after Dad's funeral. She . . ." Shay cocks her head to the side. "You didn't know she came to talk to me?"

Well, fuck. "No. I didn't." The words come out with a bite Shay doesn't deserve.

Shay shakes her head. "It wasn't a big deal. She just wanted me to understand why you were staying married."

My stomach sours. "She shouldn't have done that. I wanted to tell you myself.”

"But I wasn't taking your calls."

I look away. It hurts to remember those days. The grief of losing Frank to cancer and losing Shay to circumstance. The panic and fear of watching my daughter fight for her life. "Hello, Shayleigh."

I blink away my memories as Professor Douche steps up to the bench where Shay and I are sitting.

"George," she says tightly. "What are you doing here?"

"I was just at your apartment. I wanted to check on you." His gaze is all over her, and I want to punch him. This asshole is married, and he just went to her apartment. I'd bet my Laguna house he was going to try to talk her into bed while he was "checking" on her. "How are your revisions coming?"

She flinches, and I wonder if it's worry about her dissertation or anger that she's trying hard to keep off her face. "They're fine. I'm almost done."

"They need to be in by Monday."

"Not a problem."

His gaze shifts to me, and he chuckles, shaking his head before turning his eyes back to Shay. "Looks like you were right about him."

She stiffens. "George-"

"What does that mean?" I ask.

George shrugs. "She said you only fuck her when it's convenient for you. And here you are. I figured that was why she ended things, but she wouldn't admit it." He laughs again as he walks away. "You two enjoy yourselves."

When I pull my eyes off the asshole hipster to look at Shay, she's staring at the ground. "You told him that I only fuck you when it's convenient for me?"

She closes her eyes. "He put words in my mouth. They might have felt true, but I didn't say it."

I flinch. They felt true. "You haven't told him that you know about his wife, have you?"

"No," she whispers. "I haven't seen him and haven't wanted to." Standing, she tosses the remnants of her cone in the trash can then wraps her arms around herself and shivers. "Can you take me and Lilly back to my car? I want to go home."

"What will you do if he shows up?" I'm not entitled to this jealousy-this anger. But I wield it anyway. "You said your heart's not broken, but Shayleigh, if you could see what I see when you look at him—" "I'm not heartbroken over him, Easton." She swallows and her eyes brim with tears. "I'm heartbroken over what he made me by hiding his marriage. I haven't even told his wife yet." She presses the back of her hand to her mouth. "I'm trying to cope with the fact that I pushed away the man I . . ." She swallows. "I didn't talk to you for years because I didn't want to be the reason your daughter lost her father, but now I may very well be the reason this other little girl loses hers, and I didn't even love him."

She's killing me. "Shay-"

"I can't talk about it anymore tonight."

I want to hold her, but every time I process her words, I hear the truth. I'm the root cause of this pain. "I pushed away the man I loved." She loved me. She didn't say the word, but I heard it anyway. Part of me has always known it, even if she never said it. Now it's just a matter of finding out if I can earn that love again.