If I Never Met You: A Novel

“All right, this is huge. You’re no longer giving me the ‘just fooling around’ line,” Bharat said. “You went to his hometown and met his parents?! For the weekend? What the hell? Should I buy a hat?”

Bharat insisted they buy pastries as an alibi to get a table in Starbucks and stay for a fifteen-minute catch-up. “We’ll buy Di’s foul eggnog latte at the end, so she won’t spot it’s gone cold.”

Manchester was in full swing winter, lights on Deansgate, the bloody Slade song starting to peal from shop doorways.

“I can’t go into any detail without betraying confidences but can I say, there was a purpose for the trip. It was . . . circumstances driving it, not necessarily a massive urge to take things up a notch.”

They’d left yesterday with foil packages of leftover food from the party foisted on them, extracted promises from an uneasy Laurie to return soon, and Jamie’s mum indeed wailing: “We didn’t get the photo albums out! Wait, wait, Laurie, you have to at least see this.” She disappeared off and returned with a photo of a stark-naked toddler Jamie in a cowboy hat, on the driveway, poking his tongue out defiantly.

“Oh, MUM,” Jamie said, turning scarlet, as Laurie mimed covering her eyes.

“Nice penis,” Laurie whispered as they got into his dad’s car.

“I will hate you forever, you vile bully.”

Laurie had to fight to keep her voice level when chatting with Eric on the way to the station.

The train ride had zoomed by, as they discussed Jamie’s long-range career plans—pro bono work in Chicago. “You are such a clichéd hipster, don’t use your pulling lines on me!” Laurie said—and listening in on the hungover students playing Cards Against Humanity on the table across the aisle. When they embraced warmly at Piccadilly, Laurie’s heart had felt full and her life felt wholesome.

“Were they all right, his parents? Are you going to get engaged? Is the sex off the CHAIN?” Bharat said, sipping his cappuccino.

Laurie counted the answers off on her hand: “Yes, very; no, lol; and what, staying in his parent’s spare room?”

Bharat gurgled.

“It’s great to see you upbeat again. After what happened with Dan it was obvious you were destroyed,” Bharat said, adding hastily: “I mean, you didn’t make it obvious, but I could tell. He’s not who I’d have predicted putting a smile back on your face in a million years, but I’m glad he has.”

They went different ways as Laurie was due in court, a first hearing for a public order offense. For once, for the first time she could think of since the benders of her twenties where she still thought she could cane it on a Tuesday night and work a respectable Wednesday, she was winging it slightly. She had to admit, there was more preparation she could’ve done, but her weekend was hectic and she wasn’t in the mood for her caseload on Sunday night. She’d had a long bath, red wine, and thought about Jamie Carter’s inviting mouth a bit too much.

So, Laurie flunked it. She didn’t flunk it in a discreet way. It was a flamboyant flunking, in grand style, as she’d forgotten to follow up on an alcoholic client’s alibi that he was in a boozer across town when the fighting was occurring.

“Your Honor, the pub the defendant has identified in his witness statement closed down some three weeks prior to the night in question,” said Colm McClaverty, prosecuting, nobody’s fool anyway.

“Could you shed any light on this discrepancy, Ms. Watkinson?” said the magistrate, over his reading glasses.

“Your Honor, I . . . was not aware that this was the case and ask for an adjournment while I . . .”

Laurie desperately shuffled papers and cringed, while there was a banging of gavel. Colm gave her a “them’s the breaks” shrug. If Laurie had done her due diligence, she could’ve gotten her client to (1) think harder about which pub it was, or (2) advised him to plead guilty, because he was likely knackered.

He’d raised that alibi in interview and Laurie had totally forgotten to follow it up. She got back to the office in a light sweat, giving silent thanks to the Lord that Salter and Rowson were out of the office for the next two days on some sort of bosses’ retreat jolly.

At least if she had to pick a time to screw up, this was the one.

Her phone rippled with a WhatsApp from Dan wanting a chat: “Are you free this afternoon?” and Laurie thought, Oh, piss off. I’m not having a toilet day made worse, you can wait. The scan showed it’s twins or something, did it.

Two hours later, Diana said: “Er, PSA, Dan and Michael have marched Jamie Carter into the War Room.”

“Oh my God, FIGHT!” Bharat said. “A duel over your honor!”

“What?” Laurie said, “About what?”

“I don’t know but . . . what are the chances?”

Laurie got up from her seat and said: “Right, I best . . .” She couldn’t immediately finish the sentence. “Find out.”

What should she do?

As she neared the door, she could hear raised voices.

“You know exactly what I mean,” she heard Dan saying, “and we’re putting you on notice that we see you.”

“You’re head of civil, last I checked”—Jamie’s voice. “How would you have the first clue?”

“Look, you’re a slippery little fucker, that is a known fact”—Michael now. “We can’t appeal to your better nature, so instead we’ll try self-interest, which you have in spades. If you don’t stop interfering with Laurie, then we’ll go in to see the bosses and tell them we think you’re harming her professionally. On purpose.”

“‘Interfering’?! She’s not a child!”

“Yes, I mean she’s older than your usual type, I’ll give you that.”

Laurie swallowed hard and opened the door, to see the three of them standing in a circle, Dan and Michael bearing down like a pair of CID heavies with a prime suspect they liked for at least two manslaughters.

“Hi. Is this anything I should be involved in?”

There was a tense silence and Jamie said: “Well? Doesn’t Laurie deserve to know what you’re saying about her?”

“The quality of your work’s fallen off a cliff,” Michael said to Laurie. “It’s one shit up after another, lately. Everyone’s noticed.”

Laurie spluttered. “I’ve had one or two results that haven’t gone my way, that’s all.”

“I just saw Colm and he said they’d noticed how unprepared you were,” Michael said. “He said it’s gone from ‘we hope we don’t get her defending’ to ‘we hope we do.’”

“Oh my God, that is standard dick-swinging rubbish, the hazing they do constantly!” Laurie said, stung all the same.

“Don’t you see what’s going on here?” Dan said in gentler tones. “He’s undermining you, on purpose.” He gestured at Jamie. “He saw you were vulnerable, steamed in, and now the most likely person for promotion ahead of him is . . .”

Laurie folded her arms. “Is?”

“. . . Not operating at full capacity.”

Laurie’s mouth fell open at this: “You what?!”

Michael couldn’t blackmail her out of dating Jamie, so now he was going to shame her. She was raging: the bullying was abhorrent. She couldn’t find the words because there were so many she wanted to use, volubly.

“Let me get this straight, you have an issue with Laurie and me being involved, as you think it might affect her concentration? Is what happened between the two of you completely irrelevant to her state of mind, then?” Jamie said to Dan.

“There’s a difference between the breakdown of a long-term serious relationship and a colleague with a previous history for exploiting vulnerable women,” Dan said.

Laurie made a coughing noise of disbelief. “Exploitation! Jamie’s some sort of predator now and I’m a powerless victim? You make it sound like he trafficked me!”

“This is nuts,” Jamie said. “Laurie is an adult, making her own choices.”

“Did you or did you not take advantage of Salter’s niece?” Michael thundered.

“No, I didn’t and what the fuck does that have to do with anything?”

“You were seen in the Principal Hotel with her—are you saying that’s a lie?”

“I’m saying piss off, mainly.”

“Oh, brilliant dodge. No wonder you’re a lawyer. I’ve got you worked out,” Michael said. “It’s not enough for you to bone your way around Greater Manchester, it has to be high-value targets now. There has to be an angle.” He gestured at Laurie. “Once she was back on the market, you moved fast, didn’t you? Saw an advantage.”

There was a giant insult in this. Not only were two men she worked with—one her ex, no less—appointing themselves her guardians, but they had jointly concluded that Laurie and Jamie were so unlikely a couple, she had to be the target of a scam. As if she was one of those poor older divorcées who got hoodwinked into marrying after a holiday romance with a waiter, who got his green card and then cleaned out her current account. The way they wouldn’t accord her the same powers of perception they claimed for themselves was infantilizing, it made her feel ludicrous. It was like their sexism was coming in through the air-con units, invisible but utterly pervasive.

“Sorry, I missed the part where I became a ward of court?” Laurie said, fully shaking with rage now. “This place has always been chauvinistic, but this is incredible. You’ve decided I’m not seeing Jamie of my own free will?”

“Of course it’s your choice,” Dan said, “but both Michael and I care about you and we can see that he doesn’t have your best interests at heart.”

“How dare you!” Laurie spluttered. “You of all people, Dan, think you have my best interests at heart?”

“I knew you’d hate me for this, Laurie, and I am still speaking up because, yes, I do. Unlike him.”

“Ha! Incredible.” Laurie looked wide-eyed at Jamie and he shook his head.

“I mean obviously Laurie is a valuable possession, and this is about who will take more careful care when in charge,” Jamie said. “No wonder you were trying to do this without her.”

Laurie snorted.

“I’m not making the connection between us seeing each other, and my result in court today?” Laurie said. “It’s as if you two have never cocked up?”

“When have you ever fucked up on checking an alibi before? And where were you this weekend when you should’ve been prepping?” Michael said.

“What the . . . !” Jamie said. “Who do you think you are?”

Laurie spluttered. “You have opinions on how I spend my weekends now?”

“You used to work cases into the evenings; now no one can find you for dust after half five.”

“What? I have to clock in and out with you, Michael?”

“Stop being obtuse. You know what I’m getting at.”

“I actually don’t.”

“Right. If you think I am going to stand by and let you try to damage my and my girlfriend’s careers because of your petty jealousies, you’re badly mistaken,” Jamie said.

Dan looked horrified, plain shocked, at Jamie referring to Laurie as his girlfriend. Michael gave a nasty laugh.

“Laurie’s one of the most competent, hardworking people here and you both know it. A couple of results not going her way is neither here nor there.”

A pause.

“Yeah, I’ve heard enough,” Laurie said. “You can both stop right here, because I’m not having it. I had a meeting with Salter last week. He’s fine with my performance. If you want to raise concerns about me, then do it, but you’ll harm me, not Jamie, which I presume is all that matters to you.”

A deeper sullen silence fell, as this was indisputably true.

“Michael and Jamie, can you leave me to have a word with Dan, please?” Laurie said.

They trooped out, Michael shaking his head at Laurie as he passed, Jamie frowning deeply.

“Let me get this straight,” Laurie said, fingernails digging into her palms with the effort of not shouting. “You do what you did to me, I start seeing someone else, and you think you have the right to sabotage the relationship? As if you, of all people, think you get a say here, Dan?”

“I wasn’t going to do this now, but Michael practically grabbed Carter by the scruff. I was going to speak to you first. I messaged you but you didn’t reply.”

“Speak to me now. I want to know how you could possibly be this far out of line?”

“I have no rights to comment on who you want to see . . .”

“Could stop there.”

“. . . I have no rights, but I was worried from the off when I saw you were involved with Carter. He will do you damage, and I know you’re not going to want to hear that, least of all from me.”

“Based on?”

“Based on tons of stuff, Loz, the stories that followed him from Liverpool, where he gave a woman at that firm a nervous breakdown—” Dan paused to gather Laurie’s reaction. She tried to remain impassive, she badly wanted to know more. But not from Dan, and not now. “. . . Yep, bet he didn’t tell you about that, from Eve, to a client he was rumored to have hit on. He’s bad news and you can bet he’s seeing you with a motive.”

“Or it’s exactly what it looks like? We really like each other?”

Dan grimaced.

“OK, someone who always stayed in the shadows was suddenly super keen to advertise being with you on social media—doesn’t that ring any alarm bells? You’ve met his parents, how fast? Do you think maybe this is for the bosses’ benefit, because he thought your standing would do him good in getting a promotion?”

Laurie rolled her eyes. This was a no-score draw. Dan had it figured out, though not in the way he thought. Laurie hadn’t succeeded in making them believe it. He was jealous, though.

She could see then how discomposed Dan was. She wanted him to feel hurt too, and now he did, she got no succor from it.

It’s lying, and lying goes wrong. Lying is just bad karma.

“Him being super keen on me is not possible?” Laurie said, while knowing it hadn’t happened so it could well not be possible.

“Don’t be an idiot! I think you’re all that and then some, of course I do.” Dan gave her intense, hooded eyes for a second. “Any man fancying someone as beautiful as you is natural. It’s not about you, it’s about who he is.”

What? Laurie couldn’t shift the feeling he was . . . God, was he vaguely flirting? She felt possibly gratified, mainly appalled and weirded out.

“Here’s the bottom line, Dan. I didn’t get any rights when you left me for another woman, who you’d spent months having an emotional affair with behind my back, making stupid running playlists together.” She let that land, Dan looking stupid in his exposure, now making a face like Bert from Sesame Street. The face she used to love so much. “I had no rights when you told me you’d impregnated her, despite doing an insulting routine about wanting freedom and no kids, five minutes prior. If Jamie Carter took another woman on the floor of the lobby, he couldn’t possibly hurt me the way you have. This whole ‘splitting up’ that you chose, means neither of us have any powers to tell each other what to do, or with whom we do it with. We’re totally independent actors. Right?”

Dan, after a moment, shrug-nodded.

“So stay the fuck out of my business, Dan. I’m with Jamie, you’re with Megan, no feedback or interventions allowed.”

She stormed out and slammed the door, scattering several members of staff who apparently needed to wait for the room to be free, like stamping your shoe next to a fly-covered dog turd.

Laurie got back to her desk to find Kerry had sent a global email.

5 WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS PARTY!!!!

DETAILS FINALLY REVEALED!!!

It’s at Whitworth Hall! Dress code: eveningwear please.

Submit names ASAP for your Plus Ones.

With that rousing speech, Laurie had effectively signed off Dan bringing Megan. And she was going with Jamie, except she wasn’t. While he was falling for someone else.

Laurie had been avoiding admitting something to herself, and blinking at the clip art of a dancing elf, she finally faced it: the sham relationship had morphed into a stupid, self-defeating, corrosive mess. Dan might be jealous, but was this her victory, standing around trading jibes with men who thought she’d been taken for a ride by a chancer? Jamie had been much more astute than Laurie. His aim here was defined and clear: he either made partner or he didn’t. Laurie was putting herself through all this for what, a few pained looks from an ex who nevertheless, didn’t want her anymore? Did she honestly think Dan would picture her astride Jamie and see the error of his ways?

You’re not a liar, which is why you shouldn’t get involved with a big bout of lying. Too late. She’d have to see it through.