I Know How You Feel

“Oh my god, Olivia. He said yes,” Sam whispered excitedly in the locker room.

We had Gym fourth block on B days. I really had no hand-eye coordination, if you couldn’t tell by the soccer ball incident, so this class was never my favorite. Especially today; today, we were playing dodgeball.

“That’s awesome,” I said, my mind still so far away.

“Yeah, I was worried he was going with someone else or going to be busy, but he said yes!” she said much louder than before. Her face turned red as all the other girls looked at her. That made me at least attempt to pay attention. I had told her to do it after all.

“What are you gonna wear?” I asked trying to get my mind to work.

“I think I’m going to design something and get my mom to sew it,” she said, looking at her shoes. I knew she wanted to say something more.

“What?”

“I could design yours too,” she said, her voice pleading.

“Okay, okay.” I gave in. A dance would be nice. I haven’t done anything fun with friends since the party and that wasn’t exactly fun.

“Yes!” Sam said.

“Everybody out!” I heard our gym teacher bellow.

“Dang, he’s loud,” I said, running towards the door.

“Yeah, that’s why we shouldn’t make him angry,” Sam advised, following me.

After our teacher explained the rules, picked teams and sent a kid to the office for asking why they were playing a game made by Chinese druggies, we were ready to knock each other senseless with these big rubber balls.

Sam and I hid in the corner of the gym.

“Knoes, Muse, participate!” the teacher yelled.

Sam jumped a foot in the air and began to walk to the center of the court. I followed her and waited for someone to hit me. I picked up a ball and threw it to someone else on my team. I bent over to pick another one and heard Sam yell, “Olivia, Watch out!” I heard a ball coming towards me and turned around and caught it with both hands. Without thinking I threw it and it hit Tyler (did I not mention he was in this class? Oh, my bad) in the gut. The ball dropped to the floor and Tyler walked to the sidelines with his arms around his stomach.

“How did you—,” Sam started but I ducked and a ball went over my shoulder. I picked it up and hit another person. It was as if my hands had finally decided to start listening to my head. I threw and actually hit the people I aimed at. Every time someone aimed a ball at me I caught it or dodged it. After about five minutes of this, people started handing me balls and we ended up winning instead of losing and nursing bruises like I did last time we’d played the game.

“Nice job, Knoes! Good improvement.” the teacher yelled. “Everyone, go get changed.”

I ran to the locker room and Sam was staring blankly at me. I pulled my school clothes out of my locker and closed it. She continued to stare.

“What?” I asked, getting annoyed.

“You did not tell me you recently gained ninja powers,” she growled in a low whisper.

“Ninja powers?” I tilted my head to the side in confusion.

“You were like—” She finished her sentence by making fast motions. “How the heck did you know that one behind you was coming?”

“You told me,” I said, furrowing my brow.

“Have you been like practicing or something for some reason?”

“No,” I said, blinking. My face remained blank and Sam just shook her head at me, confused.

I really didn’t want to make a big deal out of it even if it was sort of a big deal. I hadn’t ever been athletic. Even in middle school, I was the worst player on all the teams I tried out for.

“So you just turned around and decided to catch it in a split second like a pro dodgeball player? Do those even exist?” she asked, skeptical.

“I don’t know,” I muttered.

All of this was really freaking me out. Questions arrived in my head that I couldn’t answer no matter what. What was happening to me? I’d change since the day I woke up in the hospital. Did I get hit by radioactive stuff without even knowing? No, that was way too comic book.

I changed out of my gym clothes and went for the door, but Sam stopped me.

“Hey, you wanna come to my place after school?” she asked. “We can look a different dresses and try to get some ideas.”

“Oh, sure,” I said. I was glad she finally stopped asking questions I couldn’t answer.

I called up my mom and she let me after some debate and a promise to be home after dinner.

Next thing I knew, I was in Sam’s room sketching on her bed.

“So I was thinking a halter top for me and a scoop neck with puffy short sleeves for you,” she ranted making dramatic movements with her pencil.

I nodded my head and continued to make aimless doodles. One of the bigger doodles started to turn into a dress.

“Hey Sam?” I started to ask. I took a deep breath.

“Yeah,” she looked, up from her drawing.

“If I told you something do you promise you won’t laugh?” I asked in a childlike voice.

The whole way to her house I was debating telling Sam my discovery. I wondered if she’d think I was crazy and tell my mom. I never told her any of my secrets before then. Considering I didn’t really have any, it didn’t offend her. Yet this was a huge secret and I wasn’t sure if she would believe me. I decided that I might as well because if I didn’t, it would drive me crazy.

“Um, sure, what is it?” she asked, her tone becoming serious.

I choked. Of all that thinking about whether or not to tell her I never thought of how to tell her. Sam wasn’t a beat around the bush type of girl so I decided to come out with it.

“I think I’m psychic,” I blurted. I quickly buried my head into her pillow and hugged tight to the sketchbook until the ends bit into my forearms.

“What? Psychic?”

I stayed quiet until she pulled the pillow out from underneath me.

“What you mean?”

“I think I can see the future,” I stated.

“No way.” Her face was still serious. “How do you know?”

“I… um,” I went back to drawing, “I saw you trip before it happened except for you had salad all over you and Misty distracted Romeo so I had to help you up.”

“So that’s why you took my salad,” Sam concluded. I let my jaw drop.

“How are you not freaking out about this?” I hissed.

“Well, I’m not sure if I believe you or not,” she stated, picking up her sketchbook.

“Thanks,” I said, my voice laced with sarcasm. I sighed and added in some detail on my drawing. It actually looked pretty nice considering my mediocre drawing skills.

“Well, uh, you can’t just pop up and say that kinda stuff and expect me to believe you,” she argued.

“Well, I’m your friend. You should,” I grumbled. A knock came at the door but we both ignored it.

“If what you said is even possible then what’s going to happen when I open that door?” she asked.

I closed my eyes, regretting ever telling her. The knock continued. “It doesn’t work that way,” I grumbled.

“Right,” she went back to drawing.

“You know I can’t lie,” I claimed.

She ignored me and kept drawing. The knock got louder. I mumbled something unintelligent under my breath and threw my sketchbook on the bed. “I’ll get it.”

I walked over and opened the door. There stood Sam’s brother Jack with the most boring look on his face.

“Yes?”

“Mom wants to know if you took her sweater,” he said to Sam his voice matching his face.

“No, I didn’t. Why would I?” Sam snapped.

“No idea,” he said and walked away.

“How do you even eat breakfast with that kid? I’d fall asleep in my… Sam?”

She was staring blankly off into space, “I believe you now,” she whispered. Her eyes darted from her sketchbook to mine and our bodies tensed up.

“What?” I asked.

She set her sketchbook down next to mine and my eyes went wide. My doodle of a dress on the paper seemed to identically match Sam’s. Even the details on the hem of the dress and the way it was drawn style wise. I thought it was too meticulous for my crappy “abstract” style. I looked back at Sam whose head looked like it was going to explode.

“Now there’s a proper reaction,” I commented casually.

I tried not to think about how crazy it was that I did that. I just thought about the fact that she believed me and hopefully would keep it a secret. I began to wonder what would happen if she didn’t.

“Maybe we’ve just been friends for so long that we can read each others’ mind,” Sam suggested trying to keep her voice from breaking.

“No, it happened before with somebody I didn’t even know,” I mumbled remember the guy and the needle. It still sent shivers down my spine.

“Oh,” Sam murmured.

She looked like a little kid trying to understand trigonometry. I looked down at my shoes and waited for her to say something else.

A long silence filled the room before she let out a breath and finally spoke.

“I can’t really figure out my thoughts on this,” Sam said slowly forming each word, “I mean, I think it’s really cool but it kinda scares me too. My friend can see the future and maybe reads minds. Then there’s that part of me that screams ‘No this isn’t effing possible!’ which is slowly being demolished by that.” She pointed to two sketches and continued, “and all the other stuff you told me. I swear if this is a joke Olivia I’m going to--.”

“This is most definitely not a joke. I wish it was but it’s not,” I interrupted.

Sam took another deep breath, “Wow,” she whispered.

“I know.”

“Girls, dinner!” A voice yelled up the staircase. We both jumped in surprise.

“So the case was all just a bunch of nonsense and I dismissed it before we wasted time,” Sam’s stepdad said trying to make discussion.

Sam and I just looked down at our food and stayed quiet. Jack, of course, did the same. No surprise there.

“What’s with you girls? You haven’t said a peep or eaten much,” Sam’s mom asked concern lacing her tone.

“Nothing Mrs. Johnson, Coach Preker just wore us out,” I lied.

“Yeah, we had to play dodgeball,” Sam added quietly.

“Dodgeball?” Sam’s mom had a look of sympathy on her face. “No wonder you’re tired.”

We both nodded our heads and continued to eat.

“After dinner we’ll take you home okay, Olivia?” Sam’s mom asked in a mothering tone.

“Thank you ma’am.”

The whole car ride to my house Sam was quiet. She avoided eye contact with me and looked at her hands. The feeling of regret bubbled up in my chest once again. I kept wondering if Sam would tell and what would happen if they believed her. Vivid pictures of examination tables with restraints and big long needles filled my head. She couldn’t tell. I looked over at her again, but her eyes were still looking at the floor.

“Sam,” I whispered. She looked up.

“We’re here!” Sam’s stepdad yelled driving up the driveway to my tan, brick house. He parked and turned the car off.

“Thanks Mr. Johnson,” I said.

“No problem.”

“Bye Sam. Call me on the house phone before ten, okay?.”

“Okay. Bye Olivia,” Sam said flatly.

As she drove away, I remember wondering if she’d actually call. I wondered if she’d ever talk to me again after what happened. Little did I know, the sad feeling of being alone was only the beginning.

Sam called around nine o’clock and our conversation started out like this:

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey.”

Long pause.

And finally Sam said something.

“Did anything happen since you were here?”

“You mean with,” I started, not knowing how to explain it.

“Yes,” she said, assuming by my pause that I got what she was talking about.

“No, nothing,” I answered.

“Well, I was thinking that we should do some research and I found in one of my mom’s weird psychology books that if you seem to have hidden emotions or memories that come up out of nowhere then they could be in your subconscious. And a way to bring things from your subconscious to your conscious is through introspection, whatever that means,” she said. I heard pages flipping in the background.

“I think that means meditation,” I suggested.

“Yeah,” Sam said, her voice sound farther from the speaker.

“So I should meditate to control the visions and what not?” I asked.

I hadn’t exactly told her about the other things yet. They didn’t seem too important to the matter at hand.

“I guess,” Sam said, her voice unsure.

“Huh… I guess it doesn’t hurt to try,” I said. Pulling my feet into a cross-legged position on the floor, I sat up and closed my eyes. I loosened up all my muscles and thought of nothing.

“Olivia?” Sam called.

I hushed her letting myself sound like a snake.

“Oh,” Sam said going quiet.

I let my mind go blank again and everything was quiet. Soon weird images began to pop up into my head. A dinosaur chewing on a piece of lined paper, fire burning the lined paper. The whole image was lined with red and I could feel anger. I started to hear noise. After a minute, the noise became words. A familiar voice.

“I’m so sick of homework. I hate school. I hate soccer. I want to run around with my friends and stay up late. All this stupid work.”

I started to focus and everything disappeared.

“Holy shit,” I breathed.

“What? What happened? Did it work?” Sam asked loudly.

My mind was warped. Those words came into my head with the voice of my brother who I knew for a fact was doing homework. I had just checked on him ten minutes ago. But it didn’t make sense. That wasn’t the future that was right then. I supposed to see the future not read minds. Maybe I could do both.

“Olivia? You okay?” Sam called into the phone.

“Yeah,” I said, too low for the speakerphone. “Yeah, I’m okay,” I repeated.

“So what happened?”

I picked up the phone and took it off speaker.

“Well, I… I… um, read my brother’s mind,” I said, my voice nearly a whisper. The way I said it made me sound skeptical of myself.

“Well, what were his thoughts?” Sam asked.

“He was really pissed off and talking about how he hated school and stuff,” I went over it slowly. “Oh and there was a fire burning paper and a dragon eating paper.”

“That sounds like you brother,” Sam laughed.

“Yeah, I guess. It was just so weird,” I mumbled.

“What?”

“The emotion was so strong it was like I… was… feeling… it,” I stopped and thought of the last couple of weeks and those strange feelings and weird thoughts. None of them seemed ordinary for me and it was because they weren’t. They were other people’s thoughts and feelings.

“Holy shit, holy sh-,”

“Will you quit that?” Sam snapped.

“Sorry I just had a major epiphany,” I whispered.

“A what?”

“I just figured out why I was feeling so strange these days and why I was having really weird thought patterns,” I explained.

“Like what?”

I was suddenly glad that Sam was at home. My cheeks burned from embarrassment.

“Just some weird stuff. You don’t want to know,” I said, trying to make it sound uninteresting. Of course, that never worked so I decided to speak half the truth. “I just had certain feeling towards people that I would never have towards them and it was really freaking me out.”

“Oh,” Sam said.

“Yeah, I think I’m going to meditate some more and see how it goes,” I stated.

“Uh, I should probably go now then and uh, talk to you tomorrow at school,” Sam said.

“Yeah.”

There was a long pause.

“Well, Bye!” Sam said hanging up the phone.

I threw the phone onto my bed and crossed my legs again. Closing my eyes, I emptied my mind. It wasn’t long before my brother’s thoughts were in my head. I tuned them out and started to repeat a mantra.

“Subconscious moves to conscious. Subconscious moves to conscious. Subconscious moves to conscious. Subconscious moves to conscious.”

After about fifteen minutes of this I found myself dozing off and before I could get into my bed I was out.

The loud trilling of my alarm clock woke me from a dreamless sleep.

“Where is Olivia? She should be awake by now.”

My eyes flew open and I shut off my alarm. Mom’s voice sounded so weird. The door opened and my mom’s head popped in.

“Oh good, she’s awake.”

“Hey honey, Are you gonna take a shower?” she asked. I blinked.

“Honey?” she asked.

“Ugh, I just wanna crawl back into bed and sleep. What’s my shift today? Oh righ-“

“Yeah Mom, I’m gonna take a shower,” I said cautiously.

“I probably should too or maybe a bubble bath. Oh do I have time for that? No, I’ll just take a shower.”

“Ok, I’m gonna take one too. Try and make it quick so that I can drive you,” Mom said.

Then it dawned on me. The other voice that sounded like she was speaking over a transmitter was her thought pattern. I was equally amazed and freaked out that my meditation thing had worked.

Then I felt panic hit me in a wave of purple. The words seizure and hospital appearing in it. It kinda made me feel like I was high or something.

“Olivia?” My mom’s voice seemed fairly steady for her thoughts.

“Yeah, I will,” I said trying to sound sleepy instead of out of it.

“You okay?” my mom said her voice soft and sweet. It was ruined by the purple anxiety glowing around her.

“Yeah, I’m just tired. I’ll be fine,” I assured her.

“Okay.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t take a shower. Something could happen and if nobody’s listening for it, she could seriously get hurt. Oh, why did Vince have to work through the night? I fe—“

“I’ll be fine taking a shower, Mom. Go take your shower,” I said before thinking about it.

I got up and shooed her out of the room.

“How did she know I was worried about that? Either I’m getting worse at hiding emotion or she’s getting more inquisitive.”

I chuckled inwardly. “More than you know.”