I Am Jessamine

They had been traveling for well over two weeks and they were all in need of a good meal and a hot bath. Their hunting had improved exponentially and young Gem had become quite good at skinning and plucking. Jess had put her horticulture and knowledge of herbs to good use and she had managed to forage edible roots, herbs, and mushrooms. They had slept in a few barns, with the landowners’ permission of course, and the kindness they had been shown by these families was heart-warming.

They were so grateful to drink a little milk and be able to cook with homemade butter and at one such stay in their barn a farmer’s wife had brought out to them a large pot of oats she had made for their breakfast and had given them apples, dried dates, fresh bread, cheese and a few small pies for them to take with them on their journey. When they were riding out of the gate Jess had called the young teenage son to her and given him a little money for their trouble and the boy went running back to his parents with the coins in his hand and they waved their thanks to Jess. “That money will see them through the winter, Jess.” Willy had told her. “Well one good turn deserves another, don’t you think?” Young Gem had responded, “Yes, and they will never forget it.” Jess realized that could be taken two separate ways.

“Do you think they will tell anyone and then bring attention to us?” she asked Willy.

“Out here? No, not at all. Out here the less said about anyone else’s business, the better. So, no Jessie, they will remember the young lad who gave them coin that will probably help them a great deal, but they will not go spreading their news.” Willy said with certainty and Gem nodded his head. “I agree with you, Willy. Sometimes it is better to not say anything and then quietly return the favor to someone else when you can.”

“That’s right, lad. It’s called ‘Paying it Forward.’” Said Willy to the boy who showed a maturity beyond his years.

Jess missed Gray something terrible and woke in the middle of the night a few times with tears on her face and she wondered how he was and whether Colonel Daniels had given him a hard time for allowing them to leave the ship.

At the last homestead where they had slept in the barn, the owner had given her some paper, ink, and a quill and she had written a brief letter addressing it to Captain of the O’Murchadha and signing off as Jessiah A. MacLeod. In her letter, she had thanked the captain for his suggestion of visiting Carlow and then the beauty at the sight of the Shannon River, which is where they were camped presently before they headed to Loughrea. She mentioned that their guide had said they were doing really well for time and that as soon as she arrived at her destination she would pen another letter in the hopes he may still be in Dublin and not yet out trading in the blue seas. She mentioned that her fondness for their friendship had not diminished and she looked forward to their anticipated game of chess when next they saw one another. Jess mentioned that her son was growing in maturity by leaps and bounds and his riding and hunting skills were improving daily.

More than that she could not say for fear of giving too much away, so she simply signed off, and beneath her name, she etched a small dove matching the tattoo of the one she had on her finger. She sealed it and gave it to the farmer who promised to get it sent out as soon as possible and Jess thanked him for his kindness with a small bit of coin.

They had been on the road for almost the entire day after they had got across the Shannon River when Willy reigned in his mount and Jess stopped beside him and looked down the long winding road. At the bottom of the hill, they saw a fair size town and smoke rising from almost every establishment the eye could see. Gem came up next to them and looked down as well, “Do you think it will be safe to go down there and look for a place to stay for the night?” he asked.

“Let us head on down, but stay on the outskirts of the town. When it is a bit darker I will go and have a look and if I find anything I will come back and get the two of you, but just stay out of sight until then.” Willy said and then nudged Autumn forward and the other two horses followed.

As they got closer Jess and Gem moved into thicker foliage and Willy continued into town. Dismounting and tethering the horses Gem asked if he could walk a little further away as he needed to relieve himself. Nodding Jessie took the last three oats biscuits for the horses and fed them to Jackson and Spark and she spoke quietly to them, scratching their ears and promising them a good grooming when they are able. She was busy checking their hooves when she heard rustling behind her and turning slowly, thinking it was Gem, she saw instead a pair of dirty boots and Gem’s smaller feet.

With her heart in her mouth, she stood up and faced the person who was holding on to Gem and had a knife to his throat. She did not make a move to grab her sword but simply stood staring at the man who was wearing a very dirty and stained British army red coat. The buttons were missing and the yellow gold rope piping was mostly gone and what was left was faded and barely noticeable as gold or yellow.

“I’ll be takin’ a horse from ye’s or this brat gets a slit throat!” His accent was clearly English and Jess found it odd that a deserter would be so close to a town, but then again he looked very thin and hungry.

Jess looked down at Gem and with her eyes tried to tell him what she was thinking, hoping and praying the bluff would work, and then looking slowly back up to the deserter she said softly as she turned her back to him and returned to check the horses’ hooves, “I have no interest in what you want or what your plans are. You are welcome to what food we have left, but you will not be taking a horse.” Standing back up and turning again she looked directly at him feeling assured he did not have an associate, “Do what you must at your own peril and be prepared to suffer the consequences of them.”

“Don’t give me your threats or curses, mister. I swear I will slit this brat’s throat and then yours for your lip. Step aside and let me take that big chestnut one.” And he pointed with his knife at Spark. Taking the opportunity of having the knife away from his throat Jess nodded at Gem and the little guy balled his fist, and with a backward swing, he junk punched the would-be thief and dropped and rolled out of his grasp and reach. At that same moment, Jessie pulled her sword from its sheath and ran forward, but the deserter was up quicker than she had expected. He slashed out at her with his dirty rusted knife and Jess moved back and out of the reach of the blade, but she stepped in a hole and felt her ankle twist and she went down with the deserter on top of her.

Her sword was too long to use to stab him so she released her grip and as she did so the filthy-smelling thief jumped on her and she grabbed his wrists as he brought them up together with the knife to slash or stab her throat. Grunting and swearing, his foul breath in her face, he pressed down and Jess turned her face to the side and wiggled over from under him but not enough and the knife came down catching her across her jaw, nicking her ear lobe and part of her head behind her hair before slackening her grip and causing the downward momentum to stab the grubby knife into the mud beneath her. The pain along her jaw filled Jessie with rage and she used her legs and brought up her knees and lifted him off her. Using her balled fist she hit as hard as she could in his throat and he grunted and fell aside allowing Jess to get to her feet, albeit wobbly. Her sword was still on the ground so Jess pulled out her dirk and held it up as the deserter stood up and as he was about to run towards her Gem hit him across the back of his knees with a log that he had found on the ground nearby. The deserters’ legs buckled and Jess used the opportunity to run forward, grab him around the head, pull his head back and then slit his throat all in one swift, unhesitating, motion. His hot blood splashed on her hand and the gurgle of his blood and hiss of his escaping breath did not bring any emotion to Jess. She merely let his head go and then pushed him away from her and he fell face down in the dirt gurgling in his own blood.

Panting loudly, but still feeling the effects of adrenalin running through her blood, Jess grabbed his ankles and began to drag his still-twitching body away. Seeing her stumble Gem ran silently to her and grabbed an ankle and together they dragged the filthy, stinking deserter deeper into the bush and then used leaves, twigs, and branches to cover him. Walking back to their horses Gem grasped her hand and she looked down at the child with a sense of inexplicable numbness throughout her body. His eyes were huge in his little face and his rosy cheeks were replaced by an ashen look. “Sorry Gemmie, I never heard him, or smelled him for that matter.” And Jess tried to smile, but her jaw felt like cement and the pain caused her to scrunch her eyes tight. She couldn’t understand the cramping in her belly, but simply thought she had pulled a muscle while fighting the deserter and left it at that.

“No Jessie, I was not afraid. You and Willy taught me what to do, but it is you who I am afraid for. You are bleeding badly and your face looks really bad. That man cut you deep.” He pulled her to the tree near to where the horses were tethered and he ran to get her saddle bag. Unbuckling the bag quickly he pulled out a shirt and began ripping it apart and tore it into strips.

Jessie looked down at her clothing and saw copious amounts of blood spreading across her shirt, vest, and jacket. Feeling light-headed she wondered how so much blood got on her. The painful throb in her jaw made Jessie lift her hand to her face, but Gem had arrived and he pulled her hand away and told her no, “Remember what you told me about dirt getting into open wounds and that name you said that sounds a bit like my name? I think you said, germs?” The child began folding linen strips and padding them against Jessie’s face trying to staunch the bleeding.

“Yes, you are so clever, my darling little Gem. You learn quickly and I thank you for reminding me.” Watching Gem she saw the concentration on his little face and his pink tongue peeping through his lips. “Check the saddle bags for the flask of whiskey. We need to throw alcohol on this wound to start with the cleaning process.” Gem ran over to Spark and scratched through the other bag and came back with the smaller flask, but Jess said it would be good enough.

“Keep those strips you tore to one side. We will need them in a short while.” And she watched how the child carefully lay the strips of cloth on the saddle bag at her side, careful not to get dirt on them. Then he pulled the stopper out of the flask and looked at Jess and she nodded. The little fellow stood up, placed the handle of her dirk in her mouth, cupped her chin carefully then tilted her head to one side and poured. Jess couldn’t help but scream through her clenched teeth over the handle and her eyes squeezed shut and then flew open. The pain seared her brain and she bunched her fists so tight her nails pierced her palms. Her head swam for a few moments and she closed her eyes and when she opened them again she saw Willy jumping off his horse and come running over to her.

“What happened lad?” he asked as he pulled back the wadding to check her wound and Gem gave a quick run-down of what happened. Jessie watched his face and she could see the shock in his eyes. He looked back at her and shook his head. “It’s bad Jessie, really bad. We need to get this stitched and quickly.” He picked her up and walked over to Spark and gently helped her into the saddle. Gem had done a fine job of packing everything up and retying saddle bags, cleaning dagger and sword, and washing the blood off his little hands.

“I have rented us a private little cottage just on the outskirts of the village. A kindly old widow needed the clink and she will have the place ready by the time we get there. I am sure she will have what I need to clean and stitch that up.” Willy looked utterly petrified and Jess could not remember ever seeing him like that before. “Are you not able to talk, lass?” he asked and she shook her head painfully. She held up her hand and then made a tight fist and he said, “Your jaw is locking?” and Jess nodded. “Jesus, lockjaw!”

Walking Autumn back over to her he opened her jacket and cut about three inches off the tongue of her belt, leaned over, and hurt her as he pulled her chin down roughly and shoved the folded leather strip of the belt between her teeth. Jess knew he had to do it, but the pain was something else and she very nearly fell off the horse, but little Gem was on her other side on Jackson and he held her around her waist while Willy bound her jaw up again. A fire burned along her jaw and head and tears ran freely down her face. Jessie didn’t notice then, but Gem and Willy were crying freely as well.

Walking the horses at an even pace they moved on the outside of the village and Jess felt like it was taking hours for them to reach the little cottage Willy had found. Each step Spark took felt like she was being jarred viciously although she knew that was not so. Spark seemed to know she was injured and he was as careful and as gentle as he could muster. Finally, they reached the cottage and she heard Willy talking and then little Gem saying something about settling and feeding the horses. Willy helped Jess down from the horse and carried her into the cottage and laid her on the bed. Jess heard a woman’s voice and felt cool soft hands touching her. Opening her eyes she looked into the face of an elderly lady with greying hair and the woman looked at Jess and said, “Hold on, lad, I will do my best to help you.” And then she instructed Willy to help her remove Jessie’s jacket, boots, trousers, and shirt. Jess had no energy to argue to say she could do it herself because she knew she could not. When Willy pulled down her trousers the last thing Jess heard was the elderly lady gasp and say, “I think you need to give us some privacy.”

Jess was vaguely aware of having her bindings cut off and being bathed and then the darkness enveloped her again. The next time she became aware of anything was when she almost vaulted off the bed when she felt her injury being thoroughly cleaned and then stitched. Jessie’s arms were bound tightly to the bed as well as her legs and she looked up with fever and pain-glazed eyes to see Willy’s face and she realized he was holding her head still. “Here, drink a little of this.” And the lady poured a vile-tasting liquid down her throat and she gagged. “It is very bitter, but you will sleep.” The woman whispered softly.

“Stay calm Jessie. I will never let anything happen to you, lass. Hold on and it will be over soon.” Willy sounded as though he were crying, but Jess couldn’t be sure as the liquid she was fed made her drowsy and once again she slipped into the darkness.

Somewhere in the recesses of her fevered brain she heard Gray calling to her and she tried to open her eyes, but she couldn’t so she simply listened for his voice. His image appeared in her mind and he was walking towards her, his hair loose and falling across his forehead and blowing across his face. He was laughing about something and Jess wanted to know what it was that was so funny. But as he drew closer his smile faded and he stared at her with a shocked expression on his face. Jessie reached her hands out to him, but he never moved closer. He simply stood staring at her and without another word he turned away from her and began walking away. Jessie called out to him, but he did not turn around. She kept screaming his name and she started to cry. Loud hard sobs wracked her body and her voice grew hoarse. She fell to her knees and put her head in her hands and then touched her face. He walked away because I look like a monster now, she thought to herself and sobbed even harder and louder.

Willy sat beside Jessie’s bed for the days she was with fever, holding her hand, secretly feeding her his pack of broad-spectrum antibiotics, wiping her fevered brow and listening to her call out for Gray, and hearing her sobbing for him. His heart broke a thousand times over those days and he was afraid he might lose her. The sweet lady, Nell, who had been so kind and helpful would relieve him and chase him away every day so that he had to spend some time with little Gem and she would remove the bandages, check the stitches and the wound and clean it with boiled water and alcohol and then replace the bandages with clean ones. She too, worried for Jess and prayed fervently that the young girl would survive. She never once asked Willy why she had been dressed as a young man because at her age she knew, knowing as little as possible kept the peace and kept one alive.

Little Gem would come and sit beside Jessie on the bed and tell her all he had done for the day and how he was training Jackson to come to him when he whistled. He told her Spark was missing her and he wouldn’t take oat cakes from anyone so she had to get better so that Spark would eat his cakes. He told her how much he loved her and how he missed her voice and said that if she chose to leave them he would write to Gray and tell him and then he would follow her to wherever it was she went. He told her that he believed they were meant to be together and that she was given to him by god and the angels. No matter what, he would not leave her. They were together forever.

Jessie heard all of them and her heart cried out to them and she tried desperately to reach out to Gray. It was so hard and it would have been so easy to simply give in and allow the darkness to take over her entirely. But listening to Willy, Gem and the kindly lady Jess knew she had to pull through and remember that she was given the gift of travel and she needed to find Nick.

Two weeks after arriving at the cottage Willy walked in to see Jess staring at the door. He stood dead still and his face went chalk white before a glimmer of hope entered his twinkling blue eyes. Walking slowly towards her he noticed her eyes following him and he let out the breath he’d been holding and dropped to his knees beside the bed. Taking her hand in his he sobbed and leaned his forehead on her leg, “Thank god, the saints, the angels, and all other deities that surround us.” And he kissed her cool hand.

“Thank you, Willy. Thank you for always being there for me when I fuck up.” She whispered through dry, cracked lips.

“Nay, lass, don’t thank me. This was not your fault, and besides, I made a vow, and by all that is sanctified, I will keep it.” He stood up and asked if she wanted to sit and she nodded. Gently he pulled her into a sitting position and packed pillows behind her. Picking up the glass of water he held it to her lips and she drank in little sips.

“What has happened these past few days?” she asked softly.

“More than a few days, Jessie. It’s been two weeks since we arrived here and Nell tended to your,” and he stuttered here, “Well, your injury.”

“I think you meant to say ‘disfiguring’ injury, didn’t you?” Jessie asked bitterly

“No, Jess. It is not a disfiguring injury, as you put it. I was going to say the injury that almost took your life. Yes, it will leave a scar, but Nell did a fine job of stitching you up with tiny stitches and she was very careful when she removed them while you were still out.” Turning her head away from Willy Jess stared out of a small window. She knew Willy was just trying to be kind, but a scar like the one on her face is going to be glaringly obvious.

She heard Willy stand up and he moved away, but Jess kept staring out the window. Hearing the door close she allowed the tears to fall and something within her felt hollow and there was a pain so deep within her that made Jessie cry even harder. It is probably the idea that Gray will be revolted by the scar, she thought.

A short while later the door opened again, but Jess was too lost in her sadness to even care who it was. She felt a cool hand grasp her wrist gently and feel for her pulse and Jess frowned and turned her head to look at the lady named Nell. “You think I don’t know about feeling for a heartbeat in the wrist?’ she asked with a wistful smile and Jess watched her pull up a chair and sit down beside the bed. “I am going to take off the bandages for the last time now and then the air is going to dry out the bits that will scab over and then the healing can begin. Then we can speak of the loss of your little one.” At Jessie’s shocked expression Nell said, “Did you not know you were with child, my girl?” Jessie said she had suspected but did not know for sure as they had been traveling so much and many things had happened along the way that had distracted her. Jessie then realized that the pain she had felt in her abdomen was her losing their baby. Grays’ baby was gone and Gray was gone. Jessie began to cry and hated the world in that one instant. The timing was wrong, being away from Gray was wrong, and having this injury to her face was wrong, Jessie raged inside. Nell spoke kindly and was sympathetic to Jessie’s genuine heartbreak. Through her sobs, she asked, “Did you tell my godfather?”

“No lassie that is women’s business. Men don’t understand that sort of loss.” And she began removing the last of the bandages.

“Willy would understand. He is my best friend, godfather, protector, teacher, and confidante.” Jessie said through gritted teeth and small sobs.

“Sounds more like your father, I’d say.” She smiled.

“No, he’s even better and more than that.” And Jessie meant it.

“Who is the little lad to you then?” asked Nell.

“Gem? He is my god child and I am helping him get to his aunt as his mother has passed and she is the only family he has left.” Said Jess sticking to the truth as best she could without giving too much away.

“Yes, he said as much. He is such an intelligent little lad and he absolutely adores you. A godparent is just as good as a parent, I say. Perhaps even better?” Jess smiled at this and felt the tightening of her skin and straightened her face again. Smiling seemed to be a reminder of the injury and Jess didn’t need a reminder.

Finally sitting back, Nell looked at her handiwork and smiled with a satisfied smile. “It is very raw and pink still and the swelling is to be expected, but all-in-all, I think I have done my best work yet. Now, I am going to smear a little of this aloe along the scar. Don’t look so surprised. My sister sends it to me from Spain and I use it for burns too. It has the most effective healing properties. I have tried growing aloe plants here, but it is just too damp that it kills the roots and the plant dies.” Holding up the jar she showed Jess, “This is yours and I would like it if you rubbed some on every day, three times a day. I promise it will heal you.” Sighing and holding Jessie’s hands Nell added, “As far as the other healing is concerned, I cleaned you as best I could and I am sure I got everything, so I believe you will have no problems conceiving in the future. But that sort of healing is between you and your god.” And she patted Jessie’s hand and stood up.

“Thank you for your kindness and healing touch.” Jess thanked her graciously and Nell smiled back at her and left the cottage. Jess leaned back and gazed out of the window again. She knew she could not remain in her gloom and darkness because she had to think of Gem and Willy and their plans to get to the O’Cleirigh estate or Broch de Clisson. But she took the time to marvel at Nell and her wisdom, feel sad and miserable, and allow a few tears and rage at the world before finally getting herself together.

When Jess thought of the baby tears filled her eyes and rolled hotly down her cheeks and onto the blankets around her. She remembered vaguely thinking of when she had last had her period but had been so focused on other things, like Gray, that she never took much notice. She had thought on it again when they had been attacked the first time, but also, other things had been a bit more important. Jess felt hollow and sad and sent a prayer of apology to the baby she never got to know and she cried harder.

Her tears were still wet on her cheeks when the door opened and little Gem came tiptoeing into the room. He stood beside the bed and stared at her. Jess looked at him and saw his eyes swimming in tears and she reached for the little boy. They held on to each other and cried together. “Jessie, I am learning how to fight and I will be able to do better next time and no ugly man will ever hurt you again. I will cut them and stick them with my blade. I am sorry, Jessie, I didn’t do more.” And the child sobbed in her arms.

“No, no, no my darling, precious Gem. Please don’t feel that way. You were fantastic and you did very well. You are only little Gemmie and what you did some bigger men would never have done. You were brilliant and you saved me from losing too much blood. You are a very kind, caring, and cleverest little boy, Gem. I am so proud of you.” And she held him close to her and shared the love she felt for the boy.

“But you were sick for so long that I thought you were going to die.’ He said through sobs.

“Look at me, Gem. I am alive and well and I will be up and moving around soon.’ She smiled into his bleary, red-rimmed eyes.

“You look like a dried branch on a tree that will break in half in the wind.” He said sincerely.

“Well, I’m not sure what you are trying to say, but if it means I need a bath and some food, then would you be a gentleman and arrange that for me, please?” and the child happily ran out of the cottage calling for Willy.

Within minutes Willy hauled in a tub and between himself and Gem they filled the tub and brought in towels, and soap and placed her clean clothing across the bed. Willy placed her small knife near her boots, her dirk and sword on the bed, the leather strap for around her wrist lay on her jacket and her leather hair strip was curled on her shirt. Gem took out her neatly folded boy leg underpants and sports vest as well as her binding for her breasts and he looked up and smiled shyly at her. Jess winked at him and he blushed ferociously, making her love him so much more.

“I believe you have everything you need right here Jess, if you need a hand I can call Nell and she will help you.” Willy offered.

“It is fine like this, Willy. I am sure I will manage, but if anything goes wrong I will let you know.” She spoke through a tight jaw but smiled anyway.

Once Willy and Gem had left Jessie threw off the blankets and stood up gingerly from the bed. At first, she felt a little giddy and the world tilted ever so slightly, but she balanced herself out and sat on the chair as she pulled the night shirt over her head. She felt and saw a bandaged cloth contraption that looked just like a loin cloth and she pulled it off. There was a tiny amount of dried blood so Jessie tossed it all into the fire. She needed no reminders of her loss. She stood up carefully and stepped into the tub.

Jessie sucked in a deep breath, buried her pain and doubts, got rid of her insecurities and pity, and focused on what was lying ahead. After her bath and something to eat she would sit with Willy and plot their next steps.

Sinking into the tub Jess felt the sting of the water on her raw scars but stayed under as long as she could and when she came back up she began to scrub all over.