I Am Jessamine

“Dad! Hey dad, where are you? Willy said you were looking for me.” Jessie called out to her father as she came through the front door. Her voice echoed back at her in the silence. She frowned as she pulled off her jacket and bent down to untie her boots and leave them on the boot rack.

Sighing she called out to her dad again and started walking down the passage towards the office in the back of the sprawling ranch house. Jessie had always loved this house with the thick wooden beams, wooden floors, and panels. The ceilings were high and there were windows for miles and outside that appeared inside too with the view of the ranch, sand, and ocean. Jess thought it was heaven. Willy had said she had an old soul because her fancies, as he called them, were of the sort from years gone by. She smiled as she remembered her dad’s face when he was paroled and he came back to the ranch and Jessie had gone minimalistic in the house. He had growled and grumbled about her tossing his things out, which she had not. She had simply relocated them to his rooms. When he had seen what she had done he had given one of his rare small smiles and an almost imperceptible nod.

Benjamin Kellie was a six-foot bear of a man who was a very retired professional thief. After getting caught just as he was walking away from a heist planned by a new crew member, Jessie had made it clear that he had to stop. They had the ranch and it was doing well. There was no need for Ben to be a part of that world anymore. Jessie knew that Ben did not steal for wealth, he stole because he was good at it and it gave him an adrenalin rush of the kind that nothing else ever could. She was all too aware of this because Ben had trained her and Nick, Jessie’s brother, and they shared a connection through these chosen paths. They had made a very good team, but the last heist had made Jessie feel uneasy and she had pulled out at the last moment. The new member of the crew, Ronnie, had made her uncomfortable and there was something in his attitude and demeanor that had made Jessie wary of him to the point that she knew working with him and trusting him was not an option. Nick had been furious with her, but she always used the one rule Ben had instilled in them and that was if your gut tells you something, sit up and take note.

It was not an embarrassment to Jessie that they were a family of thieves. No, it was something that they were all good at and they understood this. To her, it was the same as being born into a family of bankers. You grow up with it long enough and you learn from those around you. It had been the same for her and Nick. They knew what their father was, but that changed nothing for them. They loved him dearly and he had done the best he could for his children after their mother had walked out. Jessie had no real memory of their mother as she had been a small baby when, according to Ben, she had chosen a more lucrative business. Jessie never bothered to ask what that business was because she could see how it had hurt her father to talk about it. It was a tacit agreement within their family circle that Genevieve Kellie never be spoken of and as with everything else in their family, they had shown their loyalty and respect to Ben.

Reaching the office Jessie took a deep breath and pulled the door open and stepped inside where she saw her father. “Hey there, I was calling for you.” She said to Ben, who was sitting behind the desk with the chair turned and looking out of the window. Jessie couldn’t see his face, but she felt his sadness. The stillness was stifling and his slumped shoulders made her nervous. Ben had been a changed man when he returned home and Jessie knew there was a secret within her father and she was waiting patiently for him to talk to her. She never pushed her father because she knew he would always come out with what was on his mind. Eventually.

Walking around the desk she put her hand on her father’s strong broad shoulder, “Dad, what’s wrong?”

Ben turned in his chair towards her and Jessie caught her breath. Going on her knees in front of her father she leaned forward and grasped his hand. Ben’s face was ashen and his blue-green, but mainly green, eyes shone with unshed tears. The tightness around his mouth and the muscle twitching in his jaw told Jess he was fighting hard for control. In a hoarse and thick voice, Ben said one word. “Nicholas.”

“Oh god, no! Daddy, please not Nick. No, dad,” she pleaded. But Jessie knew the answer. She had been feeling uneasy since yesterday and when she had tried to call Nick his phone had been off and the machine picked up the call at his apartment. Jess knew that whenever she felt this endless anxiousness in the pit of her stomach it meant trouble and seeing as Ben was with her it could only be Nick who was in trouble. For all his gruffness and bluster, Ben loved his children and Jess knew that getting any negative news would most certainly cause terrible pain and concern for him.

Without a word, Ben passed her a paper that he had crumpled in his fist. Through the blurring of her unshed tears, Jess read that it was likely her brother had not survived a storm at sea. Debris had been found in the ocean, but no sign of life. Part of the debris had the name of the yacht, Je Suis Pret, which had been confirmed by the company that had hired out the yacht to her brother, and copies of his credentials had been verified. Her stomach knotted and she felt dizzy and nauseous and had to steady herself by leaning on the desk.

Taking a deep breath, sniffing back the rest of her unshed tears, and straightening her shoulders Jess leaned forward and hugged her dad, “He’s not gone, dad. I would know. I would feel it just as Nick would feel it if something happened to one of us. I don’t know how I know, so don’t ask me, but I just know that Nicky is alive. He may be in trouble, but I know he is alive!” Saying this she reached over for the phone on the desk and dialed Nick’s mobile again, but it was still off so she tried his apartment phone and this too went straight to his machine again but this time she left a message saying that she would be coming through to his apartment the following day and if he was not there she knew where the spare key was.

“Right, you told me Nick took a job with that syndicate and I warned him it was a bad idea. Remember?” Without waiting for Ben to respond Jessie continued, “So, do you think it could have something to do with that lot? Nick would never purposefully endanger himself. He’s too bloody arrogant for that and besides, we made a pact and we both meant it. We would always be there for each other and I am convinced he is alive and I will find him. ‘Come hell or high water’ was our promise to each other. I am going to pack and make arrangements to fly out as soon as possible.” Without waiting any further Jess turned around and headed out of the office towards the stairs.

“Jessie! You can’t go alone. If he is in trouble with someone you can bet they are listening in on his devices and they will know you’re coming.” Ben called from the office and Jess heard the chair creaking as he stood up.

Without looking back and taking the stairs two at a time Jess said evenly, “If you think you are coming with me then you can think again. If I remember correctly, father, you were the one who introduced Nicky to the syndicate.” The sarcasm was probably not lost on Ben, but he chose not to retaliate.

Stopping on the landing Jessie looked down at her father, “I begged you, I pleaded with you to encourage Nicky to take a different path. Open a private gallery, jewelry store, anything else but something where he could still have his beloved jewels or artwork near him. But no, what was it you said to him, Ben? Can you even remember?” Jessie knew she was sounding bitter and this was an old argument that was meant to stay buried, but that was before the news they had just received about Nick.

“When you know what your talent is and it makes you feel alive don’t let anyone stop you from doing whatever it is, even family,” Ben said quietly.

“So you do remember.” She whispered.

“And I have regretted those words for the last five years, Jess. I was in a bad place and I was a different man. I had been set up and sent to prison. I was bitter and angry and I was sorry as soon as those words left my lips. But Nick is not like you, Jessie. He could never let go and he had a hunger for the hunt and a thrill for the chase that reminded me of myself when I was younger. You were easily able to put aside those yearnings. You could somehow bury them in a way that neither Nick nor I ever could.”

Jessie stood on the landing shaking with rage. “Put aside? Bury? How dare you, dad? I loved what I did and I will never regret a single day or a single job I pulled. It gave me a thrill like nothing I could ever have imagined. I wanted that thrill back so badly I could taste it, but I didn’t betray myself, Nick, you, or Willy. I made you all a promise when you went to jail and I meant it. I never wanted to see you like that again. I thought you were going to kill yourself so that is why I kept sending word about how the ranch was getting along and always asking your advice on things I already knew. I sent pictures and drawings of this place knowing it would give you hope and a reason to live and return. I didn’t do this just for me, you insensitive bastard! I did this for all of us!” The knuckles on her hands were white from gripping the banister so hard to control her rage. Violet eyes glared into bright blue-green eyes, daughter and father sharing equal rage, neither one wanting to give in. The same old hurts returned for Jessie, but for Ben, it was more than that.

“Jessie,” Ben began quietly, but she cut him off, “I am no martyr, dad. No hero for the Kellie family. I had my selfish reasons. When I was still in school I knew you and Nick would go off and spend a long time together and it was as though I was not allowed into that father and son circle you had created and I was a bit jealous. I never had a mother and I really can’t miss what I never knew, but I did miss being a part of the adventure you and Nick shared, so the ranch was, for me anyway, a way of having my special adventure with you. I gave up everything I loved and what I was good at just so I could have some of your time. I love Nick and he will always be my favorite brother,” she smiled faintly at their childish joke because Nick was her only brother, “because he always made me feel like I belonged and I never had to work at trying to be a part of his life.” Jessie took a deep breath and closed her eyes, “But here we are, with a problem that needs solving and for the first time in my life I can honestly say that I don’t want your help, dad. I can do this without you. I know Nick is alive and I will move heaven and earth to find him.”

Jess turned to walk to her room when Willy walked in the front door calling for Ben. He stopped and glanced at Ben and then up at Jess and his face grew somber. “What’s happened?” he asked in his thick Irish accent, looking from one to the other. “Does this have something to do with why I had to call Jessie in for you?”

Ben lowered his head and nodded. Sharing a look with Willy the two men walked out of the front door and Jessie could see her father talking and motioning a little with his hands. Willy lifted his hands to his head and scooped is long hair out of his eyes and then laced his fingers across the back of his head and looked up at the sky.

Jessie had known Willy all her life and he never appeared to change. He was a black-haired, blue-eyed Irishman as tall as Ben, but carried himself proudly. He walked with squared shoulders and a straight back and even rode horses in the same fashion. He could use coarse language to make a sailor blush, but could also be as gentlemanly as a character from days of old. He spoke with a broad accent which he had never lost over all the years she had known him and he had a singing voice the likes of which would put many top-of-the-pops artists to shame. He had taught her and Nick to ride horses with that straight back and squared shoulders. He used to say it was a sign of good breeding and better for the back muscles and spine instead of slouching and causing all sorts of aches and pains. Whose or what breeding Jess and Nick had never dared ask, but there had been no doubts and they had simply believed him and learned to walk and ride horses the same way. He always complained at their father and said, “Ben you’re a slouch in the saddle and you walk like you have a carrot shoved up your arse!” Which had always brought peels of giggles and laughter from her brother and herself and a scowl and grumble from Ben.

But now, Willy was walking with his shoulders bunched up and his head down. He was pacing up and down in front of the porch. His bushy eyebrows knitted into one solid line across his crinkled forehead. Ben said something and Willy’s head shot up and he glanced up at the windows towards where Jessie still stood on the landing watching them. The men’s voices grew louder and Willy raised his louder than Ben’s and flung his arm out and pointed in the direction of the house.

Cocking her head to one side Jess started walking slowly back down the stairs when she heard Willy shout at Ben, “She needs to know Ben! The lass is not a fragile little porcelain doll. She has more balls than a lot of men I have ever known. You included!” The two men were glaring at each other, their faces only inches apart.

Jess gently opened the bay window to eavesdrop on their conversation, knowing she may just hear something she is not meant to hear. “How do I tell her, Will? What words can I possibly use to try and explain all of this to her?” Ben shook his head and walked towards the fence.

“You start at the beginning and tell her the truth from there. No more lies and cover-ups Ben. That girl deserves more than that, but you may as well start there.” Willy walked up to his oldest and dearest friend and put a hand on his shoulder. “Remember the old rule? Stick to the truth as much as humanly possible? Well, I suggest you do that and take the blows she levels at you. She will be mad as hell at you and her Irish-Scottish blood will clash with that French blood and the pot will boil over. So be prepared for a few bumps and lumps from her.”

Jessie slowly closed the window and gently let the latch click into place. She had heard enough. Everything was in slow motion for her as her mind ran with possibilities as to what Willy could have meant. Hearing their voices growing closer Jess ran up the stairs and into her room. Tugging off her clothes and tossing them into the wash hamper she climbed into the shower and opened the taps full so that the water shot out of the shower head and hit her skin like sharp little needles.

Standing under the cascading icy cold water Jessie ran her hands over her body. Her black hair needed a trim, she thought. It was over her ears and curling around her collar area. She could even tie a little tail into her hair now. It was just so curly that growing it longer was too much upkeep. She ran her hands down her arms and then across her chest and down her ribs and belly. Jessie had come to terms with her boyish physique when she was in her teens. When all the other girls in the boarding school she was attending were buying training bras Jessie was as flat-chested as a boy. She had grown to five foot three inches and stayed there from the age of sixteen. She had grown breasts, but they were so tiny that a bra had never been a requirement. As with many things in Jessie’s life, she did not miss what she never knew. This was her and she wanted nothing more.

Stepping out of the shower and scrubbing herself dry with the white fluffy towel Jess made mental notes on what her next steps would be. Stepping in front of the mirror over the wash basin Jessie looked up into her violet-colored eyes with their double rows of eye lashes. There was a name for this, but she couldn’t remember what it was. She just knew her eyelashes were thick and long, curling upwards, and it always looked as though she were wearing mascara. Her cheeks were rosy pink and her skin had a very slight olive tinge to it with a small galaxy of freckles over her nose. It was Willy who called her freckles a galaxy. He had told her that looking at those wee little spots on her nose was like looking up at the stars at night. This was after she’d had one of her teenage moments of hating her face and, as usual, Willy made her love what she had. Jess was not of the milky white skin variety and had her fair share of scars from chicken pox, falling off horses, out of trees, off bicycles, and then motor bikes. Accidentally stabbing her leg while running with a knife left a three-inch scar across her thigh, although it was stitched to perfection, the scar remained. Next to her left eye was a teardrop-shaped scar she got when she ran away from Nicholas after calling him some or another name for breaking another girl’s heart. She had not taken note of where she was running and collided with the corner of the barn door and a piece of a wood splinter ended up sticking out of the side of her face. When Nick had caught up with her he had forgotten all about smacking her when he saw the wood sticking out of her face and the blood pouring down and dripping all over the floor. Head wounds were always the worst. It had left a scar barely one centimeter long, but it was there. Willy had said it gave her a certain no-nonsense look about her. Jess smiled at the memory. Then there was the odd birth mark she had which looked more like a very old tattoo at the nape of her neck. She had to use a small hand-held mirror to see it which became irritating more than anything else so Nick had described the marking to her. He had said it looks like the shape of an island of some sort or maybe even wings. Jess had said that in other words, it was a messy blob. To which Nick replied that yes, that’s probably what it was. Jess had forgotten all about that mark. Until now.

Walking into her room while scrubbing her hair dry she went over to the desk and lifted the house telephone to prepare to make her travel arrangements.

Just then there was a knock at her bedroom door and Willy’s voice asking, “Jess, you in there lass?”

Slipping on her terry robe over her bath towel that was still wrapped around her Jess walked over and pulled the door open and looked into the face of the man she considered her second father. Smiling and sweeping her arm wide Willy stepped into her room and went to sit on the fluffy white cushions on the seat in the bay window. Willy tried to speculate why Jess decorated her room in various shades of white, but he never quite got it right. When he had asked her one day, she had simply said that she liked the color white.

Jess stood watching him and memories of Willy came to her of him sitting in the kitchen with a howling Jessie on his lap while he was trying to shush her and explain the intricacies of how a woman’s reproductive system worked. Jess smiled at the memory and then frowned because Ben had been away again and everything had been left up to Willy once more.

“What’s on your mind lassie?” Jessie lifted her eyes back towards Willy and saw him watching her.

“I was just remembering how you sat me on your knee in the kitchen while I was howling my head off, thinking I was dying, and you were explaining a woman’s monthly cycle and then the whole birds and the bees story.” She smiled a closed her eyes.

“Could’na been a happy memory if you are frowning.” He said quietly with his head titled to one side.

“Oh, it was a memory worth smiling about. It’s also a memory about how, yet again, Ben Kellie was nowhere around when he was needed.” She looked up and saw the hurt in Willy’s eyes. “No Willy, I did not mean it like that. You have always been here when I needed you and for that, I am forever grateful. It’s just that, well for one memory I would like to have Ben actually giving his daughter the comfort a father is meant to give when it is needed.” Walking over to him she put her arm across his shoulders and squeezed him. “I love you very much William James Marshall Macleod. You’re my first love.” Jess laughed and leaned in and gave him a big smacking kiss on his weathered cheek.

“Aye, off with you now lassie.” He laughed and pushed gently at her although Jess was fully aware that he so enjoyed shows of affection. “I am very fond of you too, but that’s not why I am here. I have made arrangements for us to leave in about an hour so we can arrive at the airport at around five pm so we should get to your brothers’ apartment by about seven. We can stay there for the night and have a look around for any clues as to where that silly bugger went off to. Nick probably had a notion in his head and took to it without thinking it all through carefully and has now gone and got himself into a fix. He is just like Ben that way.” Willy shook his head and stood up.

“We? You mean you’re coming with me then?” she asked him with a small confused frown that crinkled the space between her eyebrows.

“Not just me, lass. Ben is coming too and before you create a ruckus,” he raised his voice just slightly to quiet any argument Jess may have had, “he has to because he has some explaining to do and I think being away from the ranch will make it easier for him.” Frowning and dropping his chin onto his chest he added quietly. “For me too.”

Jessie watched him stand up, walk straight-backed and quietly close the door behind himself. She stood in the middle of the room feeling very confused and a small prickle of apprehension, maybe even fear, tickled her chest. From previous experience, Jess started preparing herself to not allow anything to surprise her. Put her game face on and just let it all roll off her, whatever ‘it’ may be.

Walking into her closet Jess pulled down her overnight tog bag and began to pack. Most of her clothing was dark. Black, browns, greys, and here and there blue and a smattering of white or cream-colored clothing. For traveling, she chose her black stretch jeans, sixteen-hole Doc Martens she’d had since a teenager, which meant they were worn in perfectly. A tight white exercise vest under a dark blue buccaneer-styled collarless shirt that she decided to not tuck into her waist band. Her belt had to be buckled and then tied over once and the end still hung down her hip. Rolling her eyes and sighing Jessie left it where it lay on her hip. Grabbing her black velvet vest with embroidered roses Jessie picked up her bag and trudged out of her closet, grabbed her vanity bag, and threw it on top of everything else. She thought if she had forgotten anything she would get it once they reached Nick’s apartment.

Closing her bedroom door behind her Jessie had a moment of longing and not knowing how she knew, Jess accepted that it would be a while before she came back to the ranch, so she took it all in. The big open spaces with all the windows allowing the outside in. The hand-made bows and arrows she and Nick had been taught to make were hung on the wall down the staircase. Jess stood and lightly touched the old flintlock guns with all their functioning original parts. The variety of Scottish ‘dirks’, another name for knives, clipped into their sheaths on the wall, and the swords with their scabbards crisscrossed above the window. Jess loved them all and looked upon them lovingly. On the final turn of the staircase, on the wall, hung the Kellie crest. A red, silver and white quartered shield with a dirk in the left upper corner, a sword in the lower right corner in the red blocks, and then a stag in the upper right corner and a badger in the lower left in the white blocks with a full face helmet above the shield with thistle leaves crisscrossing beneath it in the silver area with their motto, ’Je Suis Pret’ – I Am Ready. Their surname was originally McKellie, but an ancestor had done away with the ‘Mc’ to show their steadfast belief in the ‘New World’ and be pillars of the community and prove their loyalty to their new homeland. Jess had always felt that was unnecessary as one ought to be accepted for exactly who and what they are without question and without having to give up their heritage and identity, which included their surname. But, then again, who knew what that ancestor was going through and why they felt the need to show such loyalty? A phrase she had read somewhere came to mind, “Don’t judge people for the choices they make when you don’t know the options they had to choose from.” So, Kellie became the new McKellie and their ranch, ‘Kellie’s Heart’ a testament to old blood and holding on to your roots. Jessie was told that their ranch had been around for several generations and had been handed down from one generation to another. If not father to son, then uncle to nephew, and so on it went.

Just as Jess took a step down towards the entrance she stopped with her foot in mid-air, her breath catching in her throat and her eyes a few sizes wider, she moved back again and put her booted foot back on the top step, turned slowly and allowed her eyes to fall on what had stopped her in her tracks. Remember Jess, she reminded herself mentally, no more surprises, no more shock. Just keep your game face on and your chin up. Keep that piece of information to yourself for now. Turning again she walked the last distance to the front door where Willy was coming up the front steps.

“Looks like you have seen a ghost lass. Are you alright?” He leaned in and took her bag and her elbow to guide her down the stairs to the waiting Land Rover.

Sighing lightly, Jessie gently pulled her arm away, “I am fine thanks, Willy. Just thinking about Nick and where he could be.” She lied to Willy and she knew he would never know the difference because she had the best poker face out of all of them.

Just then Ben walked out of the house with his bag and tossed it onto the back of the truck. Ian, Spence, and Harry were standing nearby on the porch waiting for final words from either Willy or Ben. It frustrated Jess somewhat as she had been running the ranch for a long while, but chose not to make an issue of anything as they had more than enough to contend with at present. These men had been a part of Kellie’s Heart for as long as Jess could remember. Ranch hands come and go, but these three were permanent fixtures. They could run the ranch blindfolded. Jerry Rydal, their attorney, and the business manager would stop by from time to time and would make decisions for and on behalf of the Kellie family should the need arise. There was a lot of trust allocated to Jerry and he was aware of this, but he was also aware that should he cross Benjamin Kellie his life would no longer be his own. The Kellies had many loyal friends and were quiet and generous people, but very unkind to those who used or abused their generosity and name. Jerry knew this and it was highly unlikely that he would put at risk his life or the very nice chunk of profits he earned from the ranch.

The men all shook hands and tipped their hats at Jessie in farewell and moved off to continue with whatever it was they had been doing. Willy jumped in the driver’s seat while Ben climbed into the passenger side. Jess didn’t mind sitting in the back of the cab. It gave her a chance to collect her thoughts and get a few things straight in her mind. She had started to feel that she had been living a lie for most of her life as she descended the stairs earlier. There was something in her gut that was pulling and tugging at her. A gnawing sensation that she had been lied to and she wanted to find out why. Not once did Jess doubt herself or what her emotions and feelings were telling her. There was no way to prove her thoughts were completely true, except for her own convictions and that tingling, buzzing sensation in the pit of her belly.

Instead, she thought about her brother and how she thought Nicholas sort of resembled Ben with his stature and the odd blue eyes, his mannerisms, and small almost imperceptible gestures, but then again Jess had grown up with Nick. Whereas Jessie looked nothing like Ben. She had none of his mannerisms and neither did she share his devil-may-care attitude towards the opposite sex. Jessie was twenty-five years old and had never been with a man. Of course, she had boyfriends and some were quite serious until they weren’t, but she had never allowed things to go that far. Perhaps it was different for men than women, but Ben didn’t care how he spoke about women in front of Jess and if she were honest with herself, it never bothered her. Ben could be coarse and crude. Not that Jess had delicate sensibilities. Far from it, she could cuss and curse with the best of them and did not care who was within hearing range, but she would always watch herself when in company. She supposed that wasn’t reason enough to doubt her paternity, but it was a start. It could also be that she took after her mother more than her father, but she remembered Willy saying that Genevieve had been rather tall, slender, and queenly in her appearance which seemed a futile thought as Jess was what Willy referred to as ‘a short arse’. More than that Jess did not know.

As the truck pulled up to the parking at the airport Jess remembered the thing that had bothered her the most and knew that once they reached Nick’s apartment she would ask her father why the yacht that Nick had been on had been endowed with the same words as that which is on their family crest, ’Je Suis Pret’.

Grabbing her bag and putting it on the baggage trolley, Jess had the strangest feeling ever that her life was going to be turned upside down and she would never be the same again.

“Expect the unexpected.” She mumbled to herself and did not notice Willy watching her out of the corner of his eye.