Humans Bite Back

I was disappointed when my revelation didn’t evoke a response other than, “Is he alright? In the head, I mean?” Kenny was addressing Erica, who was now standing and looming over us.

Erica cocked her head to the side and peered down at me thoughtfully. “He was without oxygen for a good bit, so it’s possible that he may have brain damage….”

When Erica said that, I felt my blood rush to my face, and that was when I realized that I was lying on the ground, like a helpless sissy, while she and Kenny discussed my faculties.

I nudged Kenny, “Help me up,” I grunted as I struggled to sit up. Kenny cast a doubtful look at Erica as he said, “Shouldn’t he rest a moment longer?”

I glared at him. “I’ve been laying here for long enough,” I snapped as I used Kenny’s shoulder as a support so I could get my feet underneath me.

“His motor functions don’t seem to be damaged,” Erica commented as she watched me struggle to my feet with Kenny’s help.

“My motor functions are fine,” I muttered; though I had meant to sound defiant, my words were muffled because my tongue was swollen and dry.

Kenny moved to support my back, but I gently shoved him away. “I’m fine,” I insisted.

“Are you sure?” Kenny, in a voice of genuine concern, “You don’t seem too steady on your feet.”

I planted my feet on the ground, determined to stand up on my own, but my body swayed as my knees turned to jelly. I might have fallen back if Kenny’s arm had not shot out to catch me.

Erica stepped forward, cupped her hands around my face, and for one deluded moment, I thought she meant to kiss me. My lashes fluttered because I wasn’t sure if I should close my eyes.

“His pupils aren’t dilated, but he seems to have some nerve damage; his eyelids keep fluttering,” she turned my head as she continued to examine me.

“Can’t you do something about it?” Bryce intervened in a high pitch. I had been so focused on Erica that I had forgotten entirely about Bryce and Jacob.

I swallowed and attempted to wet my lips. “I’m fine,” I managed in between gulps. “I just need some water.”

Kenny looked around, “Does anyone have any water? Come on; the man is thirsty,”

“I can pop over to Edwin’s Edibles and grab a bottle,” Jacob suggested, but before he could dash off in the direction of Edwin’s, I raised my hand and waved it to garner his attention.

“Edna’s,” I persisted, “Just take me back to Edna’s.”

“Do you mean the novelty shop on Brewery Street?” Erica puzzled.

“It’s where he works,” Kenny explained. I expected Erica to scrunch her nose up in distaste, but instead, she cocked her head to the side in amusement. “Well, that’s interesting.”

She was now gazing at me curiously, and though I wanted to continue conversing with her, I must have wet myself when I had fallen. Warm liquid traveled down the length of my pant legs, saturated my socks, and created pools in my sneakers.

“If someone sees us loitering around the alley, they will think we are up to no good,” I hinted to Kenny. Kenny peered down at me and blinked, “We weren’t up to any good, though.”

“What possessed you guys to climb that fence in the first place?” Erica questioned us. “There is a sign warning of high voltage, though it’s a bit much in my opinion.”

That’s when I remembered my backpack and my mother’s book. “My bag!” I exclaimed and reflectively began to struggle.

“Calm down,” Kenny urged as Bryce stepped forward with my bag in hand. “I managed to get it down after you fell.”

I opened my mouth to lecture him but then closed it again when I saw that his eyes were swollen as if he had been crying. I weakly lifted my free arm, “Be a champ and slip it over my shoulder,” I told him.

“Get his other arm and help me get him to Edna’s,” Kenny ordered as Bryce relieved himself of my bag.

“We can put him in my car,” Erica offered, “We can just take him home.”

I thought about my wet pants and shook my head. “Just take me to Edna’s; Chad will get me home,” I persisted.

“Well, Jacob and Bryce will have to manage you,” Erica sniffed, seeming to be a bit offended. I wanted to plead with her, tell her that it had nothing to do with her, but that may have forced me to admit the real reason I didn’t want her to drive me home. So instead, I challenged her, “Why can’t Kenny come along?”

“Because our mother had sent me to fetch him over a half-hour ago,” Erica snipped, “How do you think I found you?”

“You guys didn’t call for help?” I inquired, though I wasn’t really surprised.

Kenny shifted so Jacob could trade places with him. Kenny looked at me apologetically. “I’ll call you later to make sure you’re alright.”

At that moment, the phone in Jacob’s pocket began to ring. “That’s most likely my mother; I should be getting home too,” he then peered at me and added, “After we drop you off at Edna’s, of course.”

Erica reached over and tugged at the sleeve of Kenny’s shirt. “Let’s go before Mom has a fit,” she said. Kenny shot me another apologetic look before following his sister out of the alley.

“I liked her better when she was Eric,” Jacob grumbled as he and Bryce began to lug me in the direction of Edna’s.

“I think I can walk on my own,” I told them as I released their shoulders and tested out my legs. Now that Erica was out of view, I wasn’t so self-conscious. The muscles in my thighs quivered as I took a few precautionary steps, but my knees seemed to have returned to their solid state.

“Just stay close and don’t let me fall,” I ordered as I focused on placing one foot in front of the other.

Edna’s wasn’t far away, but as I shuffled along, it felt like a mile. Jacob and Bryce conversed while we made our way over to Edna’s.

“We need to find a new place for The Grandmasters to meet,” Jacob told Bryce, “Your house has a basement; do you think your mother will let us use it?”

“My mother would insist on checking upon us,” Bryce complained, “She pops into my room every five minutes to offer me a snack.”

“At least you have a mother willing to make your snacks,” I intervened before he could continue. We reached the back door to Edna’s. “I can take it from here,” I told them, “And don’t worry about finding another space, I’ll take care of it,” Before either one could question me further, I put up a hand, “We can talk about it tomorrow, right now all I want to do is clean up and get into a fresh pair of pants.”

I waved them off as I opened the door to Edna’s and slipped inside. The bell above the door announced my presence which caused Banana Pepper to lower herself from her spot on the rafters. Once she saw it was me, she flared her nostrils in my direction, indicating that she recognized me.

“Hey, Banana,” I greeted her as I made my way across the store to the bathroom to clean up.

“Will be with you shortly,” Chad’s disembodied voice called down from the stairwell. I wanted to assure him that it was only me, but my throat was dry, and I was in desperate need of water. I hurried into the bathroom and shut the door.

Obviously, Edna and Chad both had a say in the bathroom décor. Edna had a penchant for pink flamingos, so the bathroom was papered in bright pink, and every accent was flamingo-shaped. Chad had added a personal touch by gluing spiked collars to the flamingo soap dispenser and switch cover.

The faucet handles also comprised of two spiked collared flamingos; I minded the spikes as I turned on the cold water and cocked my head so I could drink greedily from the faucet.

Once I had my fill, I switched to hot water and undressed. Once my shoes were off, I noted that my socks were beyond saving, so I tossed them in the trash bin next to the toilet. I then soaked some paper towels under the water and gave myself a spats bath.

I had just slipped on my shirt and was about to begrudgingly slip back into my damp pants when I heard footsteps on the stairs. I dropped the pants and poked my head out the door.

Chad jogged down the rest of the stairs, saw that the store was empty, and was standing in the center of the store, scratching his head in confusion.

“Psst,” I hissed in an attempt to garner his attention. He had mistaken the sound and gazed up at the rafters at Banana Pepper.

I rolled my eyes and gritted my teeth. “Chad, over here,” I cried in a sharp whisper.

Surprised, Chad spun around and spotted me gazing at him from the open bathroom door. “Hey kiddo, I thought you left for the day,”

“I did,” I told him, “I was hanging out with my friends nearby, and I sort of had an accident.”

“You had an accident?” Chad said, his brow furrowing in concern, “Where are you bleeding from?” Before I could stop him, he called up the stairwell to Edna. “Hey, doll! Get down here; our little employee requires first aid.”

“No, It wasn’t that sort of accident….” I began to protest, but it was already too late. Edna was making her way down the stairs now, hefting what appeared to be a medical bag.

“Is he alright?” she cried, “Did one of those nasty humans get him?”

“Why would you assume that humans had anything to with it?” I asked, confused, “No, I’m fine.”

“You just told me you had an accident,” Chad pressed.

“Yes, but not that sort of accident,” I cried, secretly pleading with him to come to the correct conclusion.

Edna approached the bathroom door now. “Are you requiring assistance or not?”

“No, yes….” I pressed my palm against my forehead. “I need a new pair of pants and perhaps some clean socks.”

“Did you bleed on them?” Chad asked me, but Edna’s expression transformed from utter confusion to realization. She tugged on Chad’s and stood on her tiptoes so she could whisper in his ear. When she pulled back, he looked slightly amused.

“Well, I’m just a daft one,” he cried, smacking his forehead; he held up a single finger and said, “I’ve got just the outfit; I’ll be right back.”

I cringed as I thought about the outfits he and Edna usually wore as they strutted around the shop, and that was when I realized that neither vampire was wearing their leather garb tonight.

Edna had traded in her leather catsuit for an ankle-length blue skirt, and a rather festive blouse, complete with a matching blue cardigan.

They had recently been out hunting, and they preferred to do that during daylight hours when the humans had a false sense of safety. “You look nice,” I complimented Edna, “Is tonight a special occasion?”

Edna gave me an apprehensive look, “Well, sort of, all the vampires have been called to meet at Ralphie’s,”

When the new interstate was built, most human business owners had migrated in search of greener pastures, with the exception of a few, and one of those restaurants happened to be Ralphie’s, which was still human-owned and operated.

I was always confused about why the vampires had chosen that spot to conduct their business. Humans had a bad habit of minding other people’s business, and I was always curious about how the vampires managed.

“Oh, it’s that time of the month already?” I inquired conversationally as I shifted to ensure that my bottom half was still well hidden by the partially open door.

What Edna said next caused me to raise a brow. “No, it’s an emergency meeting regarding the humans,”

“Is there a shortage?” I asked, rolling my eyes up to the ceiling, urging Chad to hurry up.

“A shortage of the human species?” Edna let out a little snort and waved her hand, “Nothing of the sort; they are still mating like bunnies.”

Even though the store was empty, Edna gazed around cautiously as she drew closer to the door. “It’s about the humans; something is wrong with them.”

“Yes, but isn’t that their nature?” I stated in a deadpan tone.

“Yes, of course, they have some drama,” she agreed, “But this is an issue, which is different.”

“They are always making trouble for themselves,” I scoffed, “What did they do this time?”

“Something is happening to them; they are acting strange,” before I could argue that humans acted strange all the time, she said, “They’ve started biting back.”

“Biting you back?” I asked her as I attempted to picture a human biting Edna. The image was so hilarious that I nearly threw my head back and laughed, but the expression on Edna’s face stopped me in my tracks.

“A human bit you?” I asked her. Edna frowned and nodded, then lifted her hand as evidence.

I released the door frame long enough to take the hand that she had offered as proof and examined it, though I knew that any evidence of injury would have disappeared only seconds after an attack. I had once heard that a gang of humans dismantled a vampire, and he had managed to roll his head out of the earth so he could piece himself together again, only using his teeth.

“How did it happen? Do you know who bit you?” I asked, releasing her hand. Edna pulled it up to her chest protectively. “Yes, it was Wayne, our rubber hand distributer,” when she said this, my eyes darted over to the rubber hand display and saw that it was empty.

“Why did he bite you?” I ventured, “Were you arguing over the new prices? I told you yesterday, Edna, inflation happens to humans; they have no control over it.”

“No, we didn’t argue,” she told me as she put her medic bag on the ground and then began recalling the event.

“He arrived shortly after you left,” she began, “So I rushed over to the front door, so I could hold it open and make room for his trolley, but he came in empty-handed, so I closed the door and said, “Don’t you have anything for me, Wayne?” That was when he looked at me, and I noticed something was off,”

She used her forefinger and thumbs to open up her eyes wide, “He just stared at me, like a zombie, and then he licked his lips.” Still holding her eyelids open, she licked her lips to demonstrate how deranged he had seemed; reflectively, I cringed.

“I held up a finger and waved it under his nose and said, “There will be no funny business here, young man,” and that is when he did it,” she paused.

“Did what?” I asked when she didn’t continue.

“That was when he bit me; if I had been human, he would have bitten my finger clean off,” she declared, and then she leaned forward; in a conspiratorial tone, she added, “I’m not the first vampire to have such a thing happen.”

“My Aunt Finn’s partner, Petra, had a strange encounter with some humans at The Super Saver,” I said thoughtfully.

“So, they’re attacking the witches too?” she gasped.

I shook my head, “I don’t know, my Aunt Finn went to The Super Saver that same morning, and she said the humans all seemed fine.”

Edna snorted, “Typical human behavior; they do horrible things all the time and then forget all about it. That’s why vampires are necessary in the first place; we have to keep a record because humans can’t seem to recall their actions nor take accountability.”

“You bite humans all the time,” I reminded her kindly.

“That’s out of necessity,” she spat, “I don’t walk around biting them for no reason; that would be indecent,” she paused and looked at me thoughtfully, “The vampires should know that the witches aren’t safe either; you should come to the meeting.”

I was shaking my head, searching for the words to decline politely, but Edna was already at the foot of the spiral staircase with her hands on her hips. “Hurry, Chad, Bishop is coming along, and I don’t want to be late.”

Chad began to make his way down the stairs with a pile of clothes in his hands. “I was trying to hurry,” he told us as he exited the stairs, “I had trouble finding the shoes that completed the outfit,”

I saw that he was carrying what looked like a pair of blue jeans, a sweater, and what appeared to be a pair of black and white Converse tennis shoes.

Relieved, I accepted the clothes gratefully. “I was afraid you were going to suit me up in one of your leather outfits,” I admitted.

“I thought about it,” Chad shrugged, “But then I remembered, a few decades ago I had boarded a band that was passing through, and the lead singer had left some of his clothing behind.”

“Let me guess; the singer thought he was the next Kurt Cobain,” I joked as I examined the clothing in my hand.

Chad’s eyes widened in recognition, and he snapped his fingers, “Ah, so you know him?”