Honored (Book 2 of the In Search of Honor series)

The familiar city sights slipped by as I stayed lost in my reverie.

If only I could have spoken to Casia again. If only I could have persuaded her not to go through with the trial. I could have refused her silly bet. But really it didn’t start there. It went all the way back to trusting Reese when I was a Dishonored.

Or maybe it went back to thinking up silly plans for revenge. Where would Kevin have gotten explosives to blow up the castle? And if we had blown it up, what would’ve happened then? Would I have just played into the spies hands then as well? But why would they have stopped me then? It must not have been in their interests at that time. What were their real interests? Was it really just to control city decisions?

If the Wall was behind the Spies, then what did the Wall gain? What was their end game? Was it just to control decisions in the city? But the Wall could care less about what the City did? Or was that not the truth?

I felt the chair jerking and realized we were going up the stairs of the Revacks estate. I didn’t want to see those hateful Honored today. “I’m tired. Can I go straight to bed today?” I asked Dan as my chair wheeled through the threshold.

Dan stopped, and my chair also lurched to a stop. He turned and faced me, his brow furrowed in worry, “Are you ok? Is something wrong?”

Was he serious? I choked back a laugh and coughed instead. The absurdity of his question jolted me out of my stupor. “I’m fine. I’m just - tired.” I had no right to be tired. My sister just died for my convictions. But here I was, safe and sound in my Wall chair, benefactor of the very people who murdered my sister.

There was nothing I could do. No fighting them would bring Casia, Henry, Bryan, Kyle, Annie, or my father back. Fighting only brought more death. I should have realized that when Fire died in the village.

Dan kneeled down in front of me, “You are expressing body language that says you are not mentally healthy right now.” He reached out and gripped my hand, staring into my eyes with his strange flickering eyes.

I looked away, unable to stand looking into his eyes and saw a woman off to the side staring at us. “Can we talk about this back in the room? We are blocking the door right now.”

Dan held my hand for a second longer, and then let go. “Yes. We can discuss the subject of your health in the room assigned to you.” His words filled with that now familiar awkward formalness.

He stood up, drawing my eyes back to him. His very movement sometimes looked too stiff and at the same time too fluid and perfectly balanced. No wasted energy in his precise almost military turn as he led us back to the room.

As we entered the room, I felt warmer. For now this place was for Dan and I. It reminded me a touch of the fond memories I had from living with Jade in the tiny village cabin. Dan shut the door and then came back to kneel in front of me, “Now, what is it that has you exhibiting symptoms that have alerted me to your distress?”

What a strange way to ask what’s wrong, but I was too tired to protest his wording. I wished I could just sob into his shoulder, but I didn’t deserve that when it was my fault.

I looked into his eyes, flashing with those strange lights in his too perfect face. His scars and missing tooth were gone. All the imperfections smoothed away. Were guilt and grief smoothed away as well? “My sister died. I couldn’t do anything to save her. Of course I feel awful,” The words snapped out of my mouth.

He leaned back slightly, as if I had verbally hit him. I didn’t want to yell at him. I just wanted to scream, or cry, or not sit here uselessly in my chair.

He grabbed a pillow from the bed and pushed it at me.

“Huh, Why are you pushing a pillow at me?” I asked.

“Punch it. Scream at it,” He stated.

This probably wouldn’t help at all, but whatever. I punched the pillow, and punched it again, my fists weakly beating at it, and I realized I was crying. Tears of helpless anger. Tears of being too weak to even hurt a pillow, and I stuffed my face into it letting it eat my anger.

Arms wrapped around me, and I let got of the pillow and leaned into Dan letting him hold me as the anger and shame boiling in my gut slowly let off steam and calmed down to a simmer.

“Feel better?” He whispered next to my ear.

Did I? “Yes.” I felt empty. All that was left was the overwhelming desire to sleep. Sleep away the pain, the anger, the regret. Was being a cyborg similar to just letting all those tiring emotions sleep?

“Can I sleep now?” I asked, but leaned into him more, not wanting to think about the world outside the warmth of his embrace.

He let go of me, and slowly pulled back from me. “Would you like me to carry you to the bed?” He asked.

“Yes,” I responded, appreciating him asking.

He carefully lifted me up, and carried to me to the bed where he gently laid me down on it before stepping back.

“Stay with me,” I whispered, grabbing his hand. I didn’t want to be left alone with my own thoughts again.

“I’ll come sit next to you,” He said, pulling his hand away and then walking around the bed to come sit next to me. He held out his hand to me, and I gripped the cold metal fingers tightly.

“Do cyberpeople feel guilt? ″ I asked him.

He stared at the wall of the room, “No, well, I can’t speak for the others, but in my experience I have not experienced guilt the way I remember feeling it as a human.

“I’m glad,” I leaned into his side. If I stayed empty I was fine. Empty and tired. Do not think past the feel of his chest rising and falling with his breaths. I wanted to be truly empty and free from my sins. I could at least be an unfeeling pawn of the Wall then.