Honored (Book 2 of the In Search of Honor series)

All eyes turned toward me, and I shrugged. It was a silly law that just gave the guards an excuse to randomly beat people. Did they think such a law was seriously worth considering?

“It is still important that we maintain the dignity and cleanliness of this city-” I tuned Sarah out as she blabbered on about the stupid street clearing law. In the crowd I could see a number of people yawning; they seemed as bored as I felt right now. I could just lean my head against the back of this chair and let myself drift if they wanted to discuss something as silly as “make sure to keep the streets cleared for the guards to pass through”. From what I’d seen, people knew how to clear the street to let the guards pass and how to fill it so tightly that no one could pass through. My sister standing on the platform, kneeling down, winning her bet on the blood soaked stage with an audience so packed tight you couldn’t breathe.

A hand gripped my shoulder dragging me out of my that moment, and Dan’s voice whispered in my ear, “If you are tired, we can ask to be excused.”

Should I? But what if they brought up laws around caste? Did I really have any say or sway even if they did bring that up? All I had was my voice and my vote. And they were still discussing the legalities of the if the road should stay cleared or if it should only be cleared for special occasions. Not only that, but we were nearing the end of the day. I nodded, it didn’t seem like my voice was particularly necessary right now.

“The Exile would like to take her leave for the day. Any matters that need her vote, please compile and bring the list to her later. She will give her vote at that time.” Dan’s statement interrupted the proceedings without regard for decorum causing the table to once again glare in my direction clearly implying how dare he interrupt such a fascinating discussion as to how does one enforce keeping the middle of a street clear of people at all times.

Richard looked up and past me, probably debating how to respond to Dan’s interruption. After a long drawn out silence, he shrugged, “We won’t be able to cover much more tonight. I will send any tiebreaker votes over as you ask. See you tomorrow morning.”

I looked to the side and behind as much as I could making sure that Dan was not in my way and spotted him a couple paces back. Plenty of room to turn the wheel chair. With ease it spun around on command, and headed back down the hill with Dan at my side.

The evening was uneventful only interrupted by a messenger coming to tell me all about the new laws around how the road didn’t need to be clear at all times, but had to be clear for processions and all sorts of other things around the streets and crowds that I really didn’t care about anymore. With the way Richard was leading this council, he was better suited to my current role than I was.

Maybe I could bring that up and get out of sitting through day long gatherings of people who care about the future of the City. This city had no future that included me in it.

The next day I brought up my new point, “I would like to start this meeting with recommending a new vote. I think the person guiding the council the way Richard is should be the tie breaker vote. This isn’t to say that I want to lead this council right now, I’m speaking about the future. Take the vote today and tomorrow and on the third day from today when the Great Exile happens, the changes would go into effect. As the outgoing person from the tiebreaker role, I would nominate Richard to the tiebreaker and leader of the council role, and I would say find a new candidate for his district. I am certain Richard’s brother, Henry would approve of his actions and direction he is leading the city in.” That last sentence was a sharp reminder to Richard that he was representing his brother’s interests, not just his own up there in front of everyone.

Richard gave me one of his long glances, and then shrugged. “If we are doing this, I would recommend taking a break from laws and figure out new voting districts. We can have all of the positions voted again for in their new districts they represent.”

Most of the people nodded in agreement, but cranky Micheal shook his head. “Why do we need to figure out new districts? Our districts are already perfectly set by the old Most Honored system in the shape of a clock with perfect triangular slices of control.”

Richard sighed. “They are set by land currently, not population. These positions aren’t hereditary, and now that everyone in the city is Honored except for those Dishonored by committing a crime, they all deserve a say and a chance at being a Most Honored city council member.”

These people really couldn’t get past the old use of Honored and Dishonored. At least they were treating family of Dishonored, the old Undesirables, and Normals better. It really went back to

Casia’s feelings toward people. People were selfish and only cared about themselves in the end. Even I had only ever fought for my own life and making it better. I was as terrible as all these people and in no place to call Richard out on using the old caste names. At least now everyone except criminals could make decisions for the city.

The spy Christopher’s words came back to haunt me. “The spies will always be here in the city. There is no way to weed out us, when the people of the City are so easily swayed.”

Each person that joined the council was just another point of failure the spies could control.

Hands were raised around me. They were probably taking the vote on starting a new vote. Most people raised their hands except for Michael and one other man.

Richard looked out at the slightly smaller crowd and announced, “We will decide voting districts this morning, in the afternoon we will begin the vote, and on the third morning we have new representatives decided and the Great Exile will take place.”

He then motioned toward the crowd, and two people carrying a large map of the city on frame came out from the crowd. “I have had people working on collecting data on the city’s population. They’ve removed numbers for anyone leaving in the Great Exile and drawn suggested lines based on population. Please come up and take a look.”

Everyone around me got up and went to look at the map. I could sort of make it out that it looked like the areas were larger that included the stacks or the warehouse areas, but quite small in the Undesirable neighborhoods. I didn’t need to know more about it.

I could hear a bunch of discussion near the board, but couldn’t quite make out what was being said. Eventually, everyone went back to their seats, and Richard held another vote that was again mostly unanimous with just Michael and the other man dissenting.

People left the crowd, probably Richard’s people going out to start the vote preparation and voting.

The meeting went back to going through each and every law that was currently on the city books, and here and there I voted on giving the guards less power over people.

The next day was much the same, but at the end of the day as we were preparing to leave, Richard stopped me. “This is probably the last time I will see you since you are joining the Great Exile. I wanted to let you know I appreciate the help you’ve given these past three days, and I’ve forgiven you for my brother’s death. I hope you enjoy being free of the City again.”

He sounded so sincere, and like he was waiting for me to say something in return. “You’ve forgiven me? Do you think forgiveness matters?”

“Yes. And I regret pushing for your sister to be killed. I shouldn’t have pushed for death. Revenge didn’t bring back my brother. It hasn’t made me feel better, and in fact all I feel is guilt and remorse. I should have just let her be exiled. You could have been reunited with your sister, but now we both will never see our siblings who we were at odds with again. I wish I could ask for my brother’s forgiveness, and it made me realize he chose his own death. It was not your fault.” He glanced down at his hands, did he see the blood and dirt invisible to other eyes on them now?

“We are each at fault for our own actions. Remorse doesn’t bring back the dead. Forgiveness doesn’t lighten the guilt. Maybe offering forgiveness to the other party will make you feel a little less strangled by hate for others around you, but I have no desire to let go of my bitter feelings. I only have a little time left to embrace my feelings of disgust and truly embrace my sister’s ideology, so I will. You will live with your guilt, your remorse, and the weight of your brother’s ideology, and I will leave clutching to my sister’s resentment and the souls of those I killed. I will hold onto those feelings, and -” I looked at Dan standing stoically next me. The feeling I wanted to hold onto more than anything, the feeling that clutched at me like a thorn bush I was willingly walking into, “I will hold onto the love I never should have ignored in the first place. I will cling to all my emotions to treasure every single part of who I am until it is gone.”

I looked back at Richard whose eyes were a little wide and gave one last piece of advice to this man who looked so much like his brother, who was the opposite, and yet now represented his brother’s goals, “Treasure your emotions. Feed them. Let yourself feel them and express them, yet don’t don’t let them rule you. Cry for your brother. Cry for the people you’ve lost, but you’ve got a life ahead of you to live. Don’t let a bitter dying woman like me hold you back.”

“Dying? What do you mean? You are alive and supported by the Wall,” He sounded concerned.

Was his sudden remorse because he realized I wasn’t the villain he wanted? Or was his concern that I, the villain he hoped would have to live a long painful life dragged down by her guilt, was going to die? “I already only had maybe ten years left to live according to the Wall when I came back to the City. Who knows how much I would have left now, but I’ve chosen a different path.” I looked at Dan who was simply standing there waiting for me to finish talking. “I’ve chosen to let the Wall save me so that I can be with Dan, and in the process potentially change who I am.”

Dan looked at me, and his eyes met mine, those strange lights in his eyes disappearing for a moment as he smiled at me, “Maybe my past self would say I’ve changed, but at least I am still here.”

I returned his smile, “Yes, I’m glad. It’s why I’ve made the decision I have. We will always have each other.” I turned back to Richard, “I have no idea what is coming, but I can firmly say you will never meet the person I am today again.”

Richard smiled and then gave a relieved shrug, “I’m glad to hear you aren’t actually dying. I would have been quite angry if my brother gave up his life to save a dead person.” He looked at Dan and then back at me, “And everyone changes. I expect that if you ever were to meet me again, which I highly doubt since you are going into exile, I won’t be the same man I am right now. Farewell, Elizabeth Devenar, Honored Exile.”

I snorted. Honored Exile. I didn’t feel very Honored. “Farewell Richard Hongew, future president of this crazy city.”

He smiled brightly, “I like to think that this city will become a peaceful sanctuary for all who live here. These ruins will be rebuilt to a place where the council meets and anyone from the city can watch. It will be the paradise I think it was meant to be.”

“Goodluck!” I told him as I turned and wheeled back down the hill to spend my last night in the City in the old Konjack’s house. With the spies and the nature of people that Casia had shown me, I highly doubted that anything would ever go as planned.