Honored (Book 2 of the In Search of Honor series)

Dan brought me a book, and I read while he - stared off into space? I kept glancing at him, and he almost seemed to be meditating. The book was a fantasy of the monster cities in the past with building that touch the clouds, probably as tall or taller than the Wall. It seemed to just be story of the life of someone who worked in one of these massive buildings. Half of it I couldn’t quite understand. Some words sounded similar to the way Dan described cyberman “programming”, and it seemed that the main character “programmed” machines that were not people at all.

I groggily woke up and realized at some point I fell asleep. The book I was reading was on the nightstand, the room was dark, and Dan was asleep next to me.

I drifted back into a dream of the village, but buildings from the City seemed to be interspersed into it. They shouldn’t have been there. I was looking up at Dan who was reaching down to me with metal hands. He lifted me out of the chair, and I was walking next to him. We walked away from the village, away from the city, and we kept walking through the forest.

The dream walked away and pink light filtered in through a window across from the bed. Another morning. Casia’s trial was at noon today. I wasn’t ready for it. I wanted to go back to sleep and the dream of walking. I wanted Dan - Dan wasn’t next to me. He wasn’t in the room. Where had he gone?

I dragged myself upright, looking for my chair. It was parked next to the nightstand. I needed to find Dan. He wouldn’t have left me. He was here, alive. The remote was next to the book I was reading the night before. I grabbed it and directed the chair to come next to the bed, and grabbed it, trying to drag the dead weight of my body into it, and flopping on the ground next to it.

Stupid legs! Why wouldn’t they work! I beat at them, but felt nothing. No pain, no response. “Why!” I yelled at them, my eyes itched and I rubbed them, rubbing angry tears away.

Dan grabbed my hand. I hadn’t noticed him come in. He pulled me against him. “Deep breaths. Breathe in, breathe out.” His voice rumbled through me, slowly drowning out that panic.

I breathed in rhythm to his voice, and my racing heart slowed down. I hadn’t even realized it was racing.

“Why were you getting in the chair? I was bringing breakfast,” His voice quietly asked next to my ear.

I let myself relax into his hold. Why had I panicked? He was here. “I - don’t really know.” Was it the dream? But I thought the dream was peaceful. I was - walking. We were together. It must have just been waking up from that to him not being there. It was like the dreams while I was stuck in the tunnels. “I think I thought that you were gone again.”

“Just for a second to get breakfast. It didn’t occur to me that you would panic at the loss of my presence.” His voice was calm and logical. “We should get you up so you can eat breakfast. I figured you would not want to eat with the Revacks so I brought food to you.”

I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay leaning into him. “Mhm,” I mumbled.

He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me up. “Ack!” I exclaimed, surprised at being suddenly lifted up. He set me down in a sitting position on the wall. “Next time ask me before grabbing me and moving me!” I didn’t like getting lifted up without warning or being asked.

“I took your muttering agreement but lack of movement to mean that you needed my help moving,” He said as he grabbed a tray with food on it and stuck it in front of me on my lap. It might as well have been on the bed with how I felt nothing. Nothing past the pain in my back.

“Next time, explicitly ask if you can move me,” I told him as I moved the scrambled eggs around on the plate. In the village eggs with some greens in them weren’t that big a deal. Here they were less of a delicacy than, say, actually eating meat, but it was still something only the Normals and above ate, and even then only Honored and above ate them regularly. This was a special food I hadn’t had since entering the Wall. Food meant to show the power of being Honored.

“Understood. Understanding updated. I will not repeat this situation,” His toneless response to my demand brought me back to the conversation we were having.

How could I pile on demands to him so easily? “That wasn’t meant to be an order, more of a request. In an emergency that obviously doesn’t apply.”

I looked down at my food, unable to meet his blank eyes. “Understood. I’ve updated that directive.” Even now he was taking it as an order.

“You should eat. You need the strength. Today will be a long day,” He was staring down at my fork moving the eggs around the plate. He went so quickly from updating his commands to making sure my health was taken care of.

He was right though. My body needed food. It was complaining at me even now as I didn’t feed it. I shoved a forkful of egg in my mouth, and appreciated the rich flavor.

It didn’t take long to finish eating, and he whisked the tray with the plate and fork away from me. He left, probably taking the dishes back to the kitchen, and I picked back up my book. It was the easiest way to pass time while waiting for noon.

Dan came back, and went back to staring off into space sitting next to me on the bed.

Without warning, Dan jumped up. “It is time to get ready.” He walked over to my side and looked down at me, “May I carry you to your chair?”

I thought about trying to get in the chair myself, but it was easier to just let him help, and he was being respectful and following my request - or well more of an order. “Yes, thank you for asking.”

He said nothing and just picked me up in his arms and gently lowered me to the chair.

“Can I help you put the Exile outfit pieces on?” He held out a piece of the old Exile leather as he said this, and I couldn’t help but smile at him.

It seemed my reprimanding him for helping me without consent had worked for beyond just moving me around. “Yes please, thank you for asking.”

I held out my arm for him to place the piece of leather on. He gave me a strange grimacing smile back, the first smile I had seen him attempt since he left me in the Undesirable building.

“Are you smiling?” I whispered, unable to stop myself.

His partial grimacing smile disappeared, “Is a smile not the correct reaction to being smiled at?”

I hadn’t wanted to make him stop smiling, “No no. It’s correct. I just haven’t seen you smile in so long. It made me happy.” I wouldn’t tell him it looked forced and unnatural. It was a smile. It was an attempt at a response to emotion.

The smile came back, and maybe it was just me, but it looked just a touch less pained and a bit more natural.

“I am not used to using some of the reconstructed face muscles, and not all of the face muscles work quite correctly. Incorrect expressions can be disturbing, but I felt like I should try to smile anyway,” He said while buckling up different pieces of the outfit with practiced precision.

“I don’t quite understand, but I appreciate your efforts to smile. It makes you feel more human,” I returned his smile.

“Humans have a multitude of muscles devoted to expression. The nerve brain connection between new facial muscles and the brain can take awhile to develop properly with the brain, chip, and code integration.” His explanation became more confusing the longer he talked.

I shrugged. It didn’t really matter why or how. I was just glad to see his expressions. His smile disappeared as he stopped focusing on it and went back to buckling my armor.

He finished strapping on all the extra pieces of leather and then stepped back to look at me, “You look great, except we need to do your hair. Should I call a maid?”

I ran my hands over my bed ridden hair. I didn’t know what to do with it. “Yes please,” I responded.

Dan left and returned with the Dishonored woman from the previous afternoon. “Thanks for agreeing to come help with my hair.”

“The honor is mine, Honored Exile,” the woman intoned in carefully measured words.

“What’s your name?” I asked, trying to get something more out of her.

“I am Martha, Honored Exile.” Her words were the perfect clipped tones of a Dishonored who knew the perfect response to any question.

“Were you born Dishonored?” I wanted her to stop being so guarded.

“Yes, Honored Exile,” She responded while carefully combing my hair with practiced hands.

“Do you ever wish to not be Dishonored? Do you want to leave this place?” I wanted any sort of reaction out of her.

She didn’t even pause in her combing as she calmly answered, “No, Honored Exile.”

It seemed I wouldn’t be getting anything else out of her. She finished combing my hair and tied it up in a bun of some sort. She bowed, and quietly left without any other words uttered.

“That was a surreal experience,” I commented after she left, but I knew those practiced responses. I knew the way subservient behavior became ingrained, and it was worse for those born into it. They never knew a different life.

“The Dishonored I have met here have been different from what I thought they would be,” Dan said looking at the door she left through.

“Did you expect open anger? The Dishonored know better. Anger is a death sentence.” I rolled toward the door. It was time to get this awful day finished.

Dan ran forward and grabbed the door for me. “Yes, I did expect it. I did not factor in the way Dishonored are treated changing their behavior even toward those who are attempting to be helpful. When I access behavioral archives, I can tell this was a mistake on my end. There are many examples of people coming to sympathize with or even like their captors.”

What a strange idea. Liking one’s tormenters seemed impossible, but then there were the Dishonored snitches.

And Casia. Casia whose trial was today. Casia my dear sister who did whatever she needed to get herself to the position she wanted. A Dishonored standing beside the King of the City.

As we exited the Ravacks estate, I looked up at the pink dome shing overhead. Its glow was the ever familiar light of a world trapped within these walls. The only world my sister had ever known. Looking up at that pink dome, I prayed that the people would choose for her to see blue skies one day rather than further bloodying the grounds of the city.