Honored (Book 2 of the In Search of Honor series)

Tears tracked down her face. “I want to blame you. If you hadn’t come back… But I pushed him out that door. I jokingly told him he better not let you die if he wanted to be welcomed back home. It’s my fault.” She buried her face in her hands, her whole body shaking.

“Why did you tell him to help me? You could have told him to think about the kids, about you, and held him back. You could have told him to let me die, and he would still be here, living with you.” She clearly missed him, and I wondered what made her push him out the door.

She looked up from her hands, and her glassy red streaked eyes stared at me. Then her voice choked with the mucus of regret spoke, “This was no life for us to live. I could tell he felt trapped. Trapped by expectations, by the orders above him, by the Walls around us.” She paused, those red streaked eyes boring a hole in mine.

Then she continued, her voice a little clearer, “If I could have left this city with Henry and my children, I would have. I would have left you to die in a heartbeat if I thought it would let Henry live. But Henry was going on about silly things even before you came back. He was going to get our whole family dishonored and himself killed if anyone heard the language he was using. You returning from Exile was the final straw.”

She took a deep breath, and looked at the door; two drops of liquid fell unevenly down her tear streaked face and she hugged the sleepy Samuel on her lap. “He talked to me. He always talked about everything with me. Told me if I just asked he would stay. The plot to rescue you wouldn’t happen, and life would continue like normal. But I couldn’t ask him. I knew it was too late. If I asked, we would be penned in, and one day without thinking or asking he would do something stupid. No matter what we were doomed, and the only way forward where we all had a chance to be happy was for him to walk out that door and save you.”

She turned her head slightly back toward me, but her glassy tear filled eyes were not looking at me. The past had her trapped.

Daniel broke the silence that trapped us all, “All four of us will be going into exile.”

“Unky, wha’s esile?” Asked little James with one thumb in his mouth and the other arm wrapped around Daniel’s calf.

Daniel looked thrown off, looking down at the small child clinging to him.

I answered for him, “Exile is the place beyond these Walls. It’s a big open space with blue skies as far as the eye can see. It’s a place where you can run around as much as you want.”

Fire’s dead eyes flashed in my memory, and I glanced up at Daniel, “It’s a dangerous place where humans fight each other.”

“Everyone is required to learn to fight in the village I grew up in,” Dan added his first comment into the discussion. “It’s a tough life.”

“It has to be better than living in this shadow.” Lauren interjected. “I can’t. I can’t be here for my children in this place. He’s everywhere. He’s next to the door. He smiles at me and holds James in his arms.”

James was staring at his mom, and all of the sudden he was screaming hysterically. Samuel woke up and began crying as well. Lauren looked flustered, unsure of what child to attend to even as she bounced Samuel and tried to quiet him. Daniel lifted James off the ground, stood up, and swung him around in the air clearly experienced at getting the kid to go from screaming to laughing hysterically.

Lauren stood, still bouncing the now hiccuping Samuel on her hip. “I hope that answers all your questions. I need to get dinner started for these monsters or I’ll really have full on hysterics going.”

She led us to the door. It seemed Daniel was staying back as he was currently tickling James. “I’m sorry to cut your time here short, but I really don’t want to talk with you further, so please don’t come back.”

Her words were harsh, but straightforward. I struggled for the right farewell, catching my thoughts together, “Thanks for speaking with me.”

She shrugged, her eyes looking at the ground where my wheels were, and the moment the chair was over the threshold her door closed behind us.

“That was rude,” Dan commented, his eyes staring at her door.

“Maybe, but even if she knows I’m not fully to blame, I bet, more than anything else, her heart is screaming at me in hatred. If I hadn’t come back to the city, her husband might still be alive. The what if game is a terrible thing to play, but it is hauntingly true.” I looked back at Dan who was looking at the door with a frown, and then rolled my chair toward the stairs. I knew the thoughts that plagued the mind after losing someone. I knew all too well how much that hurt.

I changed the mode, gripped the arms of the chairs, and closed my eyes as it started down. It jerkily moved down, and a couple times I peeked, and then quickly closed my eyes again; looking at the stairs felt like looking off the edge of a building, except it felt like I was already hanging over the edge.

“Is there anything or anyone else you wish to see?” Dan asked, distracting me from the disturbing movement of the chair as my brain flashed to the Dishonored I had known, and those who were now Dishnored.

Kevin’s brother Felise. My own siblings. I would have loved to see my mother again, but… Jordan’s words rang hollowly in my mind. I was too late for that. Rachel. Was she still Dishonored?

But I probably wouldn’t be allowed to see anyone until after the caste system was destroyed. For now, I was feeling tired, and the part of my back I could feel was aching like crazy.

“Not today. I think I’m finished for today.”

We headed back through the city and up to the old Konjack estate.