Hockey With Benefits

“Mara? A word?”

It was the TA for my abnormal psych class. It was typically reserved for upperclassmen, but since I’d done so many AP psych classes at my high school, I was the only freshman in this one. The professor had no problem with me, but the TA was a different matter. She’d been singling me out in class for the last week.

“You want me to wait?” Wade asked.

It’d been a shock when he showed up in class this week, saying he had to transfer in after deciding to drop another class, but it was kinda nice at the same time. I was also learning that Wade was a little bit of a ladies’ man. A lot of girls liked him. They liked to say hi and they liked to smile at him, and they really liked to surround him right after class.

I shook my head, putting my stuff in my bag at a slower rate. Then nodded to the girl who was waiting to talk to Wade. “Thinking you got something else going on anyways.”

His head jerked at seeing her, but he swung back to me. “You sure?”

I gave a small nod. “See you later.”

“See you at home?”

But I didn’t answer because the girl called Wade’s name and I saw the TA waiting for me, her arms crossed over her chest. I approached, my bag on my back and I was holding onto the straps, letting my elbows swing around. “You wanted to see me?”

“You’re a freshman?”

I nodded.

Her eyes narrowed. “I don’t know what you did to get in here, but I really recommend that you wait a year before taking this course. We cover all the disorders, and Professor Chandresakaran is having us do field trips to some facilities.”

“So? What’s that got to do with me?”

“You’re a freshman.” She spoke as if that sentence, by itself, was an explanation.

“What does me being a freshman have to do with any of this? I’ve taken my AP psych classes. I’m on level with the coursework.”

She looked around the room, and seeing some students standing and talking to each other, she inclined her head. “I’m going to speak frankly here. I don’t think you’re mature enough for these field trips, or to fully comprehend the coursework that we go over.”

I snorted. “And you think me being a sophomore would help ‘mature’ me better?”

“Don’t take this personally. It’s not. I check out each student before they’re able to attend these field trips. I do this to protect the individuals at those facilities, and you’re the one I keep coming back to. There’s a question mark by your name and after talking to some people, I’m hearing how you’re only known for parties and lately there was a physical altercation you were a part of? That worries me. If I can’t clear you to go on these trips, you will fail this class.”

“You can’t do that.”

“We can. I can. We’re not state-funded. We’re a private university, and I take this work very serious.”

“So what? You want me to tell you all the difficulties I’ve had in life or something?”

“You went to Fallen Crest Academy. That school has a reputation of privilege and wealth.”

“You can’t judge me on that criteria.”

She stared at me. I stared at her.

“Look.” She sighed. “We’re not to the field trips yet. I do have my concerns, but I’m willing to hear you out. If you’re willing to risk it and miss the deadline for changing a course, I’ll watch how you do in the upcoming assignments. We have our first quiz next week so that’ll be the beginning of it. Sound fair?”

“No.”

“Tough. This is what I’m willing to offer you.”

The next class was coming in, so I left, hearing my name once I stepped out into the hallway. Wade was there, a few girls with him. Darren was coming down the far hallway. He saw us and jerked up his chin, heading over.

I pointed him out to Wade, who held up his hand once Darren was close enough. The two did a man-shake, clapped each other on the shoulder. They looked so opposite, but also fit at the same time. Darren had dark brown skin, a few inches shorter than Wade, and he was more muscular. He liked to wear a lot of baseball hats. I didn’t know what position he played on the team, but someone mentioned lineman. I was guessing he needed a lot of bulk for that position. Wade was taller, leaner, his skin between pale and tan, and he kept his hair trimmed short. Miles told me once it was to help so he could swim faster. Something about how even that little bit of hair could slow a swimmer down. But together, they drew attention. They were striking. I figured it had to do with their athleticism. Cruz had the same power, some innate pull over people.

“What’s up, man?”

Darren gave everyone a nod before jerking a thumb over his shoulder. “Had class. Where are you guys coming from?”

Wade indicated our classroom. “Abnormal psych.”

“Ah gotcha. I heard that’s a good class to get into.”

“It is so far.” Wade turned to me. “What’d she want to talk to you about?”

I took in who was standing with us. A couple of the girls seemed nice. One did not, but I just shrugged. “It was nothing, but heads-up that we have our first quiz next week.”

“What?” one of the girls exclaimed. “It’s not on the syllabus.”

“That’s what she told me, so spread the word.”

She groaned, pulling out her phone.

“We should do a study thing.” The girl who spoke was staring at Wade.

He flashed a smile. “That sounds good. We can have it at our house.”

“Tonight?”

Darren gave her a look like she just informed everyone she had a green toe. “On a Friday night?”

“Oh.” She gave him a nervous look, laughing a little. “Yeah. We could get a jumpstart on studying, but the hockey game’s on tonight too. Study. Watch hockey. Do whatever afterwards.” The sly look sent in Wade’s direction gave everyone an indication what she wanted to do afterwards.

He was wearing a faint frown but glanced my way. “How about it? Studying at the house tonight again?”

Darren grunted, folding his arms over his chest. “After last night, should you maybe run it by everyone?” His eyes were on me before he gave Wade a meaningful look. “Just to be safe.”

“That’s a good idea but it should be okay.” Wade asked me again, “You up for it if everyone signs off?”

I shook my head, feeling my phone buzzing. “Can’t.”

“What? Why not?” Darren shot me a frown.

“Alpha Mu is having a thing. I was going to catch the game with them.”

“Really?” one of the other girls squeaked. “You know the Alpha Mu guys?”

“You and Miller seemed friendly last night.”

I glanced Wade’s way, but replied to the girl, “I’ve been to a few of their parties.”

Her eyes got big.

I hesitated, but… I hoped I wouldn’t regret this when I said, “You want to come with?”

Her eyes got even bigger. “You don’t think they’d mind?”

“They’re frat guys. You’re a chick. That’s basic math.”

“Ohmygodohmygod–”

“But I’m going to say up front that I’ll probably dip out at some point. If you and a friend want to come, or maybe two of your friends, that’d be better. Keep to the buddy system.”

“I thought you said you’re friends with them.”

“I’m casual friends with a couple, but they’re still a fraternity. Better to be safe.”

She was not a freshman. She was also in my abnormal psych class, and here I was, a freshman, giving her a hint on how to party responsibly. Sure. The TA totally was justified in questioning the only freshman in her class for maturity reasons.

“Yes, yes! My friends are going to go nuts.”

“Wade, we still on for your place?”

Wade’s gaze was locked on me, and Darren’s gaze was skirting between us.

“Yeah. I think so. Maybe do tacos tonight?” He glanced in Darren’s direction.

My phone kept buzzing, so I pulled it out. Dad calling.

My stomach dropped, and my throat went dry, but he was calling, and he wouldn’t call unless it was important. I gave everyone a wave, indicating my phone. “See you later at the house.” I waited until I ducked down an empty hallway. “Dad?”

“I have news.” His voice was strained.

My stomach tightened. “Not good news.”

“No. I mean, depends on how you view it. The first one is that she was given an added diagnosis. Do you want to know what it is?”

“No.” I was so tired of it, of it all. She’d been given twelve different diagnoses all my life. The one that stuck was the personality disorder. She was always in that realm.

“Okay. The other news is about the conservatorship. It does have limitations and one of those limitations is your mother’s current place.”

“Meaning?” But I could guess what he was going to tell me.

“Meaning that her current facility was not included under my conservatorship. The date I start is the date when she was supposed to leave her latest center. She was talked into staying by a staff member, so it’s been voluntary since her seventy-two-hour hold ended. I’ve talked to the staff, and your mom decided last night that she won’t stay where she is. She’s asking to leave.”

I laughed abruptly. ‘Asking’ for my mom was demanding and then screaming if that demand wasn’t met quick enough. Unless she gave the staff an indication that she’d be a liability, they’d have to let her go.

“Fuck,” I whispered. I stopped and rested against the wall. “Didn’t you have her going into another place?”

“Yes, but she was told about the conservatorship yesterday, and she didn’t react well.”

“Of course she didn’t. Who would? Why didn’t you wait until she was at the new facility?”

“We were obligated to tell her. She has rights.”

This wasn’t good. She’d have access to her phone.

“Is she already out?”

“She’s being released right now. You still have her blocked on all your devices? Your social media?”

“Yeah, but she just needs to set up a new account from a new phone or a new computer and she’ll be able to see where I am. I get tagged in photos.”

He was quiet for a little. “Maybe you should delete your accounts? To be safe?”

I couldn’t talk, my throat was swelling up.

At this point, it was a trigger response. My body was already shutting down, and I felt cold sweats run down my back. My stomach would start churning as soon as it processed that my mom was out of the hospital. She could totally get a car and head up here.

Then what?

What would I do then? Hide? I was already hiding.

“Oh, God. Dad.” I broke, my voice hitching.

“I’m so sorry, Mara. Do you want me to drive up? I can get a hotel room. We can just…hang out?”

I was almost laughing at that because though he and I were teammates in this ‘team’ against my mom, he and I didn’t have that relationship. “No, that’s okay. I should go.”

“You sure?”

I paused, knowing that a panic attack was inevitable, but I’d never heard this tone from my dad. Almost…hopeful? Was I getting that wrong?

“Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Oh, sweetie, you don’t have to worry about me.”

That was a rule he always maintained with me. With him, I was not to take care of him. I’d never told him, but I appreciated that line. I was still the ‘kid’ in some ways, but I was in college. There needed to be some give in that dynamic.

I sighed. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Anything.”

“If you meet a woman you’re attracted to, ask her on a date.” He started making noises, but I said over him, “I mean it. You should find some happy when you can. Thanks for letting me know about Mom. I love you.”

He paused, a stark silence from his end before he said quietly, “Love you, Mara.”

I hung up, but I couldn’t leave. The hallway was empty and for a moment, I needed to stand still. Be still. Not think. Not feel. I leaned fully back against the wall and slowly slid down until I hit the floor, then stretched my legs out.

I don’t know why I texted Cruz, but I did.

Me: Hope you were able to sleep on the bus.

It buzzed back a second later,

Cruz: Are we breaking your rule right now?

Me: I feel bad if I’m the reason we lose tonight.

Cruz: I wouldn’t let that happen, but I got some good sleep on the bus. All good to go.

I didn’t want to wish him good luck. Some hockey guys had serious superstitions, and I didn’t know if Cruz was one of them. He didn’t seem like it, but I made a note to ask him later.

My phone buzzed again.

Gavin: Party! WHERE ARE YOU?!

I sent Miles a text.

Me: Alpha Mu?

Miles: Already there. Got a drink waiting for you.

Hell yes. I needed that drink.