His Soul & His Shame

I woke up feeling sore and happy at the same time, a smile on my face and warmth spreading throughout my body. I opened my eyes to blinding sunlight creeping into my room. The curtains were opened, indicating someone opened them. The place beside mine was cold, making me confused because Ezra will never leave without saying goodbye, especially when we shared a bed last night.

I checked the clock for time, making my eyes go wide, it was already noon, and no one woke me up! Maybe Ezra is in the kitchen making breakfast for me.

I got up from the bed butt naked and dashed to the bathroom to take a long warm shower to soothe my muscles. After taking a bath I took out jeans and a hoodie to keep me warm in the chilly weather and applied a thin layer of makeup before going downstairs.

I didn't hear anything in the kitchen making me halt in my steps, what if Ezra left me way before I thought! Is he in guilt? Did he regret it? Every kind of thought entered my head making me feel dirty in my skin.

I moved my stuck feet towards the kitchen to realize no one is present in the kitchen, not even Ezra. I checked my phone to see if he had left a text or called me but there is nothing like that other than Joanna's text reminding me that we have two classes in the afternoon and she will come and pick me up.

The doorbell rang pulling me out of my thoughts, tears dried up in my eyes and I am just feeling nothing? Maybe I had predicted this! That's why I do not react to it.

"Coming," I yelled, going to check who it was and I met Joanna with a bright smile in front of me.

"Hi, Fay! How are you?" she asked concern masking her features seeing my blank face?

"H... Hi, I am alright Joanna. Come in." I stepped aside to let her in.

"Umm, but you are not looking fine Fay! Did something happen?"

"No, nothing happened. It's just that I am not feeling well." I answered by going to the kitchen to avoid her questioning, making myself busy with preparing breakfast.

"If you are saying that then okay but if you want to talk it out then I will be ready to listen." How am I lucky to have a friend like her? I want to tell her too but how can I tell her that I gave in to Ezra's charm and lost my virginity to him. What will she think about me?

"Yeah! okay. Thanks, Joanna." I said breaking eggs into a pan making scrambled eggs.

After finishing our late breakfast we left for University. We have only two classes today so it doesn't take much time in the university and I can have myself alone in the home and then I can cry and think about the things I did wrong last night. I didn't even get a single text from Ezra the entire day, making me more anxious and regretting what I have done with him. Maybe he regrets it and doesn't want to see me.

I haven't seen Mitchell the entire day but we don't have the same classes but I, we would have crossed paths but I didn't see her anywhere. Maybe Mitchell is with Ezra? That's why he didn't text me or call me!

But Ezra said that she is not his girlfriend and kissed me in front of her. Then why was one missing and another didn't even reach me?

Why? Why do I have to be the only one hurting? He always broke my heart, every time but this is too much. How can he just leave me after last night? Didn't it mean something to him? Is this normal to him?

I lost my mind last night giving into him so easily without thinking for a second, I feel so dirty in my skin. I shouldn't have waited for him, I shouldn't have let him in my room and I should have stopped him when he kissed me but not like a shameless woman I surrender to him and his charms.

"Fay? Fay? Are you alright?" Joanna inquired looking at me with concerned eyes.

"Yes, why?"

"Why are you crying then?"

"What are you talking about? Crying? Who? Me? No way!" I said touching my face and to my surprise tears were running down my face without my knowledge.

"Oh! I just got some dust in my eyes so don't worry it's nothing." I lied about it not making eye contact with her, wiping my tears, and giving her a fake smile.

"Bullshit! Stop lying Fay, I know those are real tears, d don't tell me that dickhead hurt you again?" She yelled with gritted teeth.

"Huh! Everything is not about Ezra, Joanna. As I said, it's nothing." I scoffed before turning around to leave the classroom.

"Why don't you talk it out with me Fay? You know that I don't judge you." She whispered helplessly.

"I am sorry Joey but it's nothing and I am just not ready." I gave her a small smile before leaving the classroom.

Tears were streaming down my face thinking about how I can't even share with my best friend about it and how guilty I feel about everything.

Maybe not today but I will confess everything to Joanna and let her decide what I should do. The decision I first took was right for me, to push Ezra away from my life but as the time came I surrendered to him and made a fool out of myself. I left the building and entered the parking lot, my car was parked on the left side of the entrance. I made my way to my car slowly feeling still sore from last night reminding me what I have lost to the jerk.

I hear moans from one of the cars and I step up my pace so I can leave this place fast but to my horror, the moans were coming from beside my car. I approached my car slowly without making any noise but when I clicked my key, my car lock made a beep sound startling the couple who was making out beside my car.

"Umm, I am sorry!" I apologized without looking their way but what I heard next made my head jerk up so fast that I thought I broke my neck.

"Baby girl?"

"It's okay Fay."

Please tell me I am not seeing them together making out just after he was with me in my bed. If I don't leave from here then I don't know what I will do. I unlocked my car and left the goddamn place without turning back to see if he was calling me or following me.

I am done with this shit.