His Soul & His Shame

Two Years Later

I exited the subway with my shoulders slumped and my body aching from all the running I have done in the kitchen today but I love my work and I can handle all the other consequences which come after it. I love cooking and helping other chefs even though I have my job to do but it helps my head from wandering and the ache in my heart stops when I am in my zone baking and cooking.

It's been two years since I left home and not even visited once in these two years for which I am grateful. Mom and dad visited me a handful of times as they are so busy with their work and we always facetime and call each other. I remember the first day in this big city alone without my parents and Joanna and especially him. He may have control of my life but he supported my dream and encouraged me to pursue what I love. I shake my head to get rid of the thoughts of him.

Other than my parents, Joanna visits me too, as often as she can and I feel guilty every time she visits this far but she always jokes that once I put my leg back home then my bad luck will pull me in completely and will never let me leave and I know about whom she was talking and I don't even think about him anymore. I was going so fine and still doing well.

I am in the final days of the course and I am working part-time in one of the popular restaurants which is my big dream to work in.

"Emeralds" is the place I wanted to work in as a head chef but for now I can chill with being a part-time chef in my dreamy restaurant.

My phone rang bringing me out of my thoughts and I know who is calling me. She very well knows when I will get off work and walk towards my tiny but homey apartment which I come to love very dearly. "Hello, Joey!" I teased knowing how much she hates the name but I like how she grumbles and curses.

"Fay! If I heard that name again then I will come to New York and bang your head on the cake which I will bake and you know how good I can bake a cake." I can hear her smirk in her voice and I also know that her threat is not empty and she can't even bake a muffin to save her life.

" Okay, Sorry! We don't want to go there!" she hummed on the other side of the line.

"So, How is everything going?" I asked, knowing that she has attended an interview today. Joanna loves to decorate houses and she chose to decorate houses as her profession and looking for jobs so she can work for the experience and save up money and make loyal clients and name to start her own company.

"I Passed the interview and I am joining the office next week. I am so excited to take on my first project, Fay! Can you believe that? My first project!" She yelled excitedly through my phone making me smile wide at her happiness and enthusiasm, whatever tiredness I was feeling vanished from her cheerful yelling.

"I am so happy for you, Joanna! I wish I was there with you right now so we can celebrate with some pizza and ice cream like old times." I miss her and home so much and the places we used to visit. "You can still visit us, Fay! Your holidays are starting next week and you can spend those holidays back home and prepare for your exams." She suggested softly not wanting to upset me.

"I don't know, Joanna! I am scared to come back even for a day and the way I left that day and saw how vulnerable Ezra looked. I just can't face him when I am successfully moving on." I have never seen Ezra with that much emotion since we were kids. He is not the one to show his emotions and how he feels to anyone, not even to me but that day when I told him I am leaving and I have nothing to do with him, I saw a vulnerable and scared little boy standing in front of me scared. "I understand, Fay! But it's been two years and people change as you and I have changed. Think about it, okay?" I hummed to that and changed the topic to her job and shopping she is going to do and her wardrobe change.

I reached my apartment and unlocked it saying goodbye to Joanna and ending the call. I need to take a hot shower to loosen my tired muscles and calm my nerves. Joanna's words were still ringing in my head, making me think about visiting home, as she said people change byoverhe time and I have changed a lot. Maybe he changed too. We can still be friends as whatever I had for Ezra withered away?

Food and a shower will make me think clearly. I hurried into the shower and took a long and slow shower relaxing in the steam and the hot water forgetting about my tiring day and the thoughts of Ezra.

Once I exited the bathroom I raided my kitchen for something to eat and at last, I decided to make some salad and a cheese sandwich for the night. I gulped down the food with some cold coffee. I prefer coffee all the time. It may be cold or hot but I need it.

I started tidying the apartment once I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. I know what I am trying to do, my heart is urging me to think about going back but my head is making me and stalling me from doing that by distracting me with all the chores which I don't have to do now.

I am so scared of getting hurt again that I am going into defense mode, my head is building all the walls up to protect my heart. Maybe I should take the chance and visit my parents, I miss them so much and it's been so long. It's only for two weeks and I don't even have to stay there for a total of two weeks. I can come back to New York whenever I want.

I miss Ezra too, I know what he did was so cruel and unfair but he is Ezra and I am not the same as before I am sure I will be strong if I face Ezra now and don't feel any stupid feelings.

I should give it a try, I can't hide here forever and I should definitely face whatever is holding me back. I should get closure from Ezra so I can move on completely and start dating normally. I have tried so hard to even go on a date but

whenever I accept someone's invitation I always feel like I am betraying Ezra even now the thought of dating someone makes my insides squishy but for my sanity, I have to get closure.

I texted Joanna that I am coming home next week and I am going to book a ticket for Monday. Today is Friday and I have two days to dwell on everything and to back out if I feel like it's too much for me to face him.