SWNOVELS Hidden Scars: Chapter 22
on my phone blares, pulling me from a deep sleep. My cheek pressed against the warm skin of Jeremy’s back, his ass against my dick, and my arm around his waist. As much as I want to stay wrapped up around him, I force myself to push him away.
The comfort I got from him that first night was too much. It hurt. I don’t know how to accept it, accept him. For just a minute, before reality set in, I clung to him, surrounded by the warmth and the scent of his skin. My fingers itched to explore him in the slow moments of dawn, but my alarm screaming ripped the fantasy from me and I shoved him away. I want him too badly to let myself have him. He’s a distraction and a weakness. I can’t afford either.
There’s nothing more I want than to be wrapped around him, warm and at peace, my chest against his back or my face in his neck. At night, when fear controls me, I can hold on to what he offers with both hands, but my walls rise with the sun.
It’s been weeks of this. I go to bed alone and wake with Jeremy pressed against me. Weeks. Half the time I wake up rock hard and grinding on his ass, ready to cum. Sometimes he’s pushing back into me, moaning. Every morning it’s hard to push him away and act like it doesn’t bother me. Like he means nothing to me. Because he does.
Every morning I wish his skin had my marks. I wish I could fuck him out of my system but, like a parasite, he’s burrowed under my skin.
With one more deep breath of his body wash, I sit up and push him. I know he’s at least half awake, we do this every fucking morning.
He doesn’t say a word, just gets up and leaves my bed.
Like I won’t wake up in a panic tonight after we’ve gone to bed,, fighting off the nightmares that haunt me. Like he won’t wake up and climb into my bed with no resentment or judgment and let me use him to anchor myself to the here and now, my chest pressed to his back and our fingers locked together.
But I can’t do it in the light of day. Once I’m awake, his touch is too much. It makes me weak to need him.
His warmth, his scent, his touch keeps the nightmares at bay. At this point, my fucking bed smells more like him than me.
I get up, grab my gym clothes, and get changed.
My workout is done, classes are dealt with, and I’m off to practice. Once again, back in the locker room to change.
Jeremy doesn’t look up when I enter, he doesn’t acknowledge me in any way if he runs into me during the day. Like a ghost, I don’t exist. I just go on about my day without him like I’m not on the edge of a mental breakdown. He hates me and that’s fine. Preferable even. He’s just too nice to keep me at arm’s length at night.
Out on the ice, we do a quick warm up then get broken up into two-on-one teams. The other second line D man, Willis, and Johnson are blocking Jeremy, who is trying to get the puck in the net. Albrooke has the puck and is racing up the middle to get past Johnson. He spins in an attempt to get around him when Johnson shoves Jeremy and takes the puck, shooting toward the other end of the ice.
It has me seeing red. No one touches Jeremy but me.
I chew on my mouth guard, waiting for my turn on the ice. Coach has the teams switching around to put all of us against each other at some point. Finally, I get my shot with Johnson trying to get past me and Carpenter.
Johnson tries to get up the side of the rink against the boards. I charge for him, slamming him into the boards harder than necessary, and pass the puck to Carpenter, who makes it into the net.
Johnson shoves me off him, pissed off and red-faced. “Get the fuck off me.”
“Touch him again and you’ll have more than hurt pride,” I seethe through clenched teeth.
“Are you fucking serious? We’re running drills! The objective is to stop the guy with the puck!” he snaps back, eyeing the rest of the team waiting for their turns. “Why don’t you leave him the fuck alone, huh? He’s obviously not interested in whatever you’re selling.”
I skate up to him, chest to chest, my hands gripping his jersey. “Stay the fuck out of my business.”
Coach’s whistle blows and we skate back to the others. I stand off to one side because no one wants to talk to me. Which is fine. I don’t want to deal with them either. I just want get the fuck out of here.
After practice, Brendon and Jeremy get changed and head out to meet Paul at the bar. We have a game tomorrow so I know they won’t get drunk or do anything completely stupid. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to clock Brendon when he turns back and looks at me as they walk away from the rink while I leave for the gym.
This is my life. It revolves around hockey, the gym, and classes. I eat the same thing every day, go to bed at the same time, shove Jeremy out of my bed at the same time every morning. And I hate it.
Once I’m exhausted in the gym, I head back to our room and find a delivery on my bed with my roommate nowhere to be found. Since my father took my suit, I had to buy another one, but that’s fine, it’s easier than trying to get it back from him.
Was it outside at the door and Jeremy brought it in so it wouldn’t get messed with? Did he and Brendon hook up before they left? I haven’t seen any evidence of that but I’m also not digging through his shit.
My phone rings with a video call and I answer it without looking at the screen. It’s my sister.
“Hey, brat. What’s up?” I set my phone up and go about unpacking the suit I bought. I had it sent from Boston so it cost a small fortune, but I like the guy who made my last ones.
“What the hell did you buy?” She stares at my screen like getting closer to hers will make mine clearer.
“A suit. Did you call for a reason or just to criticize my spending habits?” I get it hung up but leave it out so I can get it ready for the game tomorrow.
“Just bored. How’s your boyfriend? Where is he? He’s super cute.” She smiles like the Cheshire cat. In that annoying way only little sisters can manage.
“He’s not my boyfriend. For the last time, he’s my roommate and he grabbed my phone by mistake when it rang.” I huff at her, getting my school stuff set out so I can finish my homework.
“Right, sure. I believe that.” She nods but is definitely messing with me.
“Are you just calling to bother me or did you actually want something?”
“Just calling to annoy you. My job is complete.” She looks so proud of herself it’s hard not to smile at her. She deserves a brother who’s able to be there for her more, who’s able to have a real relationship with her.
You’re broken. Useless.
“Great, bye.” She hangs up and I settle back on my bed with my textbook.
An hour later, Jeremy comes in and drops down onto his bed, face first, without a word to me. Checking the time on my computer, I save my work and close the laptop before I go about getting ready for bed. We have a game tomorrow and I know I will be fighting the monsters in my head in a few hours. Again.