SWNOVELS Chapter 20
Twenty-four hours later, Jen was still riddled with confusion. She’d hoped that girls’ night would stop her from overanalyzing what had happened with Cash last night, but the loud chatter of the women around her wasn’t providing the distraction she’d needed.
She kept wondering if she’d misinterpreted the look she’d seen in his eyes. The emotions flickering across his face. But why even bother putting a label on it? She didn’t need to hear the L-word to know that his feelings for her had evolved.
So had hers. Somehow in the last couple of weeks, she’d stopped thinking about Cash in terms of how many orgasms he could give her or all the naughty things they could do together. Now she associated him not just with sex, but with laughter, support, joy…
He was so right for her in so many ways, except for the grim fact that if she got seriously involved with him, he’d be gone half the time. Or worse, he’d die while serving and shatter her in the process.
God, how did military wives do it?
All the women sitting in Savannah Harte’s living room at the moment were in love with navy men. Shelby had lucked out—her husband was now employed by a security firm in San Diego, which meant that Garrett worked nine-to-five and came home to his wife and daughter every evening. That was the boat Jen wanted to be in.
“Enough with the long faces, you two,” Savannah announced, flipping her long golden hair over her shoulder.
Jen snapped out of her thoughts, realizing she was one of the “two” Savannah had targeted.
“Well, I guess I can let you off the hook, since you have a stalker,” Savannah amended, grinning at Jen. “But what’s your excuse, Hol?”
Shifting her gaze, Jen saw Holly’s equally glum look. Her sister-in-law had barely said a word since she’d arrived at Savannah’s loft, which was located above Harte to Harte, the flower shop Savannah owned and ran. The change of scenery was nice after being cooped up in Cash’s apartment for so long.
“Actually, I don’t have a stalker anymore,” Jen spoke up, earning a relieved look from Holly, who clearly hadn’t wanted to explain the reason for her unhappy mood.
Annabelle frowned. “Just because Cash and Seth beat him up doesn’t mean he won’t keep causing trouble. Stalkers don’t scare off easily.”
“But he left town,” Jen answered. “My dad was keeping tabs on Brendan ever since he showed up at my parents’ place, and this morning Dad found out Brendan’s work transfer happened earlier than scheduled. He was on a flight to Oakland last night. I’m hoping that means it’s the end of Psycho McGee.”
“Fingers crossed.” Annabelle held out her shot glass so Savannah could pour another round of tequila into it.
From her spot on the carpet, Jane released a happy sigh. “It’s so nice to be out of the house for a while. Sadie was being super cranky today.”
“Like father, like daughter,” Savannah remarked dryly. “Seriously, though, Becker seems a tad possessive of that cute little baby of yours.”
“A tad? Understatement of the year. Sadie is the apple of her daddy’s eye. God help that sweet girl when she gets old enough to date.”
“John bought a shotgun the day after Penny was born,” Shelby confessed. “He’s ready to shoot the balls off any guy who looks at her.”
Jen laughed. She wondered how Cash would react if he had a daughter—would he be as protective as Becker and Garrett, or more laidback? She held back a snort. Right, like it was even a question. Navy SEAL and protective instincts went together like PB and J.
“What about you and Carson?” Shelby glanced at Holly. “John said you two are talking about having kids.”
Holly stiffly rose from the overstuffed couch. “I need to use the bathroom.”
She hurried off, leaving everyone but Jen staring after her in shock.
“Shit,” Shelby murmured. “What’d I say?”
Jen cleared her throat. “Babies are a touchy subject for her right now.”
The other women wore matching frowns. Even the perpetually laidback Savannah looked upset.
“What do you mean?” Annabelle demanded.
Jen hated herself for breaking the confidence, but she didn’t know what else to do anymore. Holly was staying with her sister again, and Carson had been ignoring Jen’s calls for days. Maybe recruiting some backup would help her stubborn brother and sister-in-law mend this rift between them.
With a heavy breath, she told them everything she knew, except for the part about seeing Carson with another woman. Everyone in the room was scowling when Jen finished.
“Men,” Savannah huffed.
“Like a baby will fix anything,” Annabelle said with an amazed shake of her head.
“A kid will only bring a whole new pile of problems to the table,” Jane grumbled.
“They need to fix their relationship before bringing a child into it,” Shelby agreed.
“Ahem.”
Five heads swiveled to find Holly standing three feet away. She looked both annoyed and amused at having caught them talking about her.
“We’re not gossiping,” Savannah said instantly, patting the sofa cushion in a gesture for Holly to sit down again.
“We’re venting on your behalf,” Annabelle piped up.
Holly sat, her green eyes glittering with fortitude as she picked up the tequila shot she’d yet to take. “So we’re all in agreement that Carson is acting like an ass?”
Savannah lifted her own glass. “Hell yeah.”
The six of them clinked glasses and threw their heads back as they swallowed the alcohol. Jen felt the burn right down to her belly, and when Savannah tried to refill her shot glass, she shook her head.
“No more for me. My stomach can’t handle more than a couple of shots.”
“Fill it up anyway,” Holly said. “I’ll take Jen’s shot.”
Uh-oh. Jen didn’t voice her worry, but the steel in Holly’s eyes said she was feeling self-destructive tonight.
For the next hour, they discussed what an idiot Carson was, while Holly continued to slug down tequila. Eventually Savannah had to cut her off, and the conversation somehow turned to sex.
Jen stayed quiet, but Jane sucked her right into the discussion by turning to her and saying, “So how’s Hot Stuff in bed?”
“Hot Stuff?”
“Cash,” the redhead clarified. With a grin, she turned to the others. “Jen is totally doing the wild thing with Hot Stuff.”
That earned her some hoots and catcalls.
Annabelle beamed. “I already knew,” she said smugly. “Cash called me yesterday to light candles.”
Savannah wrinkled her forehead. “Huh?”
“He took her out for a fancy dinner,” Annabelle explained. “And he put candles all over the bedroom and called me to light them before they got back. It was so fucking romantic.” She grinned at Jen. “Oh, and Cash made me promise not to tell Ryan what I was doing down there, so I stole a carton of eggs from your fridge to give me an excuse for going downstairs.”
Jen rolled her eyes. “So that’s where the eggs went.”
“Why the fancy dinner?” Savannah asked curiously. “What were you celebrating?”
This time Jane answered. “Our little Jenny has an interview with my old magazine. Am I the only one who didn’t know Jen is a kickass photographer?”
“I had no idea,” Annabelle said, looking insulted. “You holding out on us?”
She blushed. “I always figured it was just a hobby.” She glanced at Jane. “I can’t believe your editor stumbled on my blog like that.”
Jane got a funny look on her face. “Yeah, that’s a stroke of luck, huh?”
The flippant response raised a red flag. Jen studied the other woman with suspicion. “What aren’t you telling me?”
Jane’s expression epitomized innocence. “I don’t know what you mean.”
A frown puckered her brows. “Rick found my work on the blog, right?”
“Of course.”
“Jane.”
The woman released a heavy breath. “Fine. No.”
“No what?”
“Rick didn’t discover your work on the blog, hon. Your work found him.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m the one who gave Rick your photographs.”
Surprise jolted through her. “What? How’s that possible? How did you even get—” Her breath hitched. “Cash.”
Jane scrupulously studied the label of the tequila bottle.
“Cash gave you my photographs, didn’t he?” Jen demanded.
The other woman lifted her head and offered a sheepish shrug. “He brought over a memory stick with your stuff on it the day of Sadie’s party.”
“He did?” She had no idea whether to be angry at Cash for invading her privacy or thrilled that he had.
“Don’t be mad at him,” Jane said quickly. “He had good intentions. He said you weren’t planning on submitting work to any of the bigger magazines, but he thought you were too talented not to. He made me promise not to tell you.”
“Why?”
“He didn’t want you to think he was interfering in your career. And if TW was interested, he wanted you to think you’d done it on your own. But I think trying to keep it a secret was silly,” Jane said with a shrug. “He went to great lengths to make this opportunity happen for you, and I think you deserve to know that.”
Jen’s heart constricted. As annoying as it was that Cash had copied her pictures without her consent, his intentions had been anything but malicious. Hell, he clearly knew her better than she’d thought. She’d been second-guessing herself with that portfolio for days—obviously he’d decided to speed up the process.
And now, thanks to him, she might land a job with a magazine she’d never have dreamed of showing her work to out of fear she’d be laughed out of the fancy building.
But Cash had believed she could do it. He’d believed in her from day one.
Savannah grinned. “I might be in the minority here, but I’m pretty sure Hot Stuff is in love with you.”
Everyone else nodded.
“Oh yeah,” Annabelle agreed. “A man doesn’t take on the task of personally getting a girl her dream job if he doesn’t love her.”
Jen felt like someone had knocked the wind out of her. She wasn’t surprised to hear their assessment of Cash’s feelings—she already suspected how he felt. But what startled her was the multitude of emotions swirling in her chest. She’d been trying so hard to keep an emotional distance, but who was she kidding? Her emotions had entered the picture a long time ago.
She was in love with Cash.
Her heart felt both lighter and heavier as she absorbed the truth. She loved Cash. She loved his gruff voice and toe-curling kisses and rough hands. She loved his strength and unceasing support and the way he laughed. She loved that he didn’t mind the way she stuck Post-its all over his apartment, how he grumbled every time she forgot to hang up her towel in the bathroom, his willingness to cook every time she burned something in the kitchen.
From the moment they’d met, Cash had accepted her for who she was. Supported her. Encouraged her. Introduced her to passion she’d never known and brought all her fantasies to life.
And she knew now, without a shred of doubt, that even one day with Cash McCoy would be worth however many months without him.
“Holy shit,” she mumbled.
From her cross-legged perch on the floor, Annabelle snickered. “You’re in love too.”
Jen shook her head to clear the fog from it. “Yeah, I think I am. How did that happen?”
“Love has a way of sneaking up on you.” Savannah swiped a tortilla chip from the bowl on the coffee table and popped it in her mouth. “Same thing happened to me with Matt.”
“I wanted a casual fling. I never expected… I didn’t want to fall in love with him,” Jen said softly.
Annabelle frowned. “Why not? Cash is a great guy.”
“I know, but…” She hesitated, not wanting to talk about her military issues with a roomful of military wives and girlfriends. “I’m just blindsided, I guess. I don’t know what this means for us. I went in looking for a fling, and now…”
“I tried to have a fling once,” Holly spoke up. “When Carson and I met, all I wanted was to have some fun, but your stubborn brother, Jen, well, he convinced me to give a relationship a shot. And now it’s five years later, and look at us.”
She swallowed. “Hol—”
“Sometimes I wonder if I should have dug my heels in and left it as a fling. But, fuck, I know that if I could do it again, I’d make the same damn decision.” Holly wiped her eyes. “Because no matter how infuriating he can be, I know he’s the love of my life.”
“All right. The kids are asleep and I’m ready to rob you losers of all your money,” John Garrett announced, striding into the spacious den with a baby monitor in his hand.
The den was packed with SEALs, beers, and open wallets. Poker night was a monthly tradition, hosted at a different house each time. Cash looked forward to these gatherings. His teammates were damn good men. Good company too, and he felt honored to be included in what had been a tradition long before he’d come on board. Aidan Rhodes was also a recent addition to poker night, but he’d already been close to most of the guys thanks to his tight-knit friendship with O’Connor.
Sitting down, Garrett tossed the baby monitor to Becker, who placed it on the green felt poker table. “The girls went down okay?” the lieutenant commander asked.
Garrett nodded. “Fell asleep holding hands. It was pretty fucking adorable.”
On the other side of the table, Seth snorted. “You know, just ’cause you put the word fucking in front of it doesn’t make you less of a pansy for saying the word adorable.”
Garrett rolled his eyes. “A man thinking his kid is adorable doesn’t make him a pansy, Masterson. You’ll find that out one of these days.”
“Never,” Seth vowed. “No kids for me, thank you very much. I’m getting my tubes tied.”
Everyone laughed. Seth’s pessimistic position about children was nothing new; the guy was adamant about never siring a child. Which was probably a good thing because the thought of a little mini-Seth with big-Seth’s smart mouth was kinda terrifying.
“Where the fuck is Carson?” Garrett suddenly asked. “He’s late.”
Cash averted his eyes, but nobody glanced his way, which told him that Carson hadn’t blabbed about what went down in Becker’s hallway over the weekend. Thank God, because the last thing he felt like doing was justifying his feelings for Jen to anyone else.
“Well, we’re not waiting for him anymore,” Ryan announced, reaching for the deck of cards. “I, for one, am ready to milk Texas for all he’s worth.”
“Why do you assholes always target me?” Jackson demanded.
“Because your poker face sucks,” Matt drawled as he took a sip of beer. “So does McCoy’s. You two are easy money.”
The banter continued as Ryan dealt the first hand. Jackson, of course, tried bluffing his way into the pot, only to lose five bucks when Ryan and Aidan suckered him into going all in. Laughter ensued, followed by Jackson’s grumbling that his poker face had failed him again.
As money changed hands and chips clinked in the center of the table, Cash sipped his beer, his thoughts drifting to Jen. As much as he liked hanging out with the boys, he kinda wished she were here too. He’d grown accustomed to her company over the past few weeks. Not just having sex with her, but simply having her around. Watching TV while she messed around with her camera, cooking dinner while she worked on her laptop. He liked how they could be in the same room and not have to be wrapped all over each other.
Other girls he’d dated expected him to sit there holding their hands and constantly make conversation, but Jen was perfectly content doing her own thing while he did his. She didn’t push for them to be joined at the hip or make demands of him. She was happy no matter what they were doing. He appreciated that.
“I swear, if Shelby comes home as drunk as she did last time, I’m divorcing her,” Garrett was saying. “I’m beginning to dread the words girls’ night.”
Cash lifted his head. “They don’t get that drunk, do they?” he said with a frown.
Groaning, Ryan joined the conversation. “Last time, I spent the entire night holding Annabelle’s hair while she puked out ten gallons of tequila.”
“Hey, I love girls’ night,” Matt argued. “Savannah did the dirtiest striptease for me last time, but then again, my girl’s better at handling her liquor than your lightweight ladies.”
Becker growled, jabbing a finger at O’Connor. “Don’t get me started on Savannah. She and Jane went shopping last week and I got a credit card bill for six hundred dollars. Six hundred dollars’ worth of lingerie, for chrissake.”
“Oh come on. Like you didn’t benefit from that shopping trip.”
“I certainly did not,” Becker said stiffly.
“I call bullshit. After Savannah modeled what she bought, I didn’t let her leave the bed for a week. And she told me she and Jane made identical purchases.” Matt cocked a brow. “Did Jane get that lacy black mesh thing with the garter belt?”
“No,” Becker muttered.
“No?”
The lieutenant commander sighed. “She got it in red.”
As everyone laughed, Cash experienced the most bizarre pang of envy. He found himself wishing that he could contribute to the conversation. Not that he wanted to talk about what kind of lingerie Jen wore, but the idea of calling her his “girl” and sharing stories appealed to him.
Man, he really had it bad.
“All right, enough with the chick talk,” Seth announced. “I feel like I’m at a teenage girl’s slumber party.”
Ryan shuffled the deck, but before he could deal a fresh hand, they were interrupted by the arrival of Carson.
The room fell silent.
“Wow,” Dylan remarked. “You look like shit, LT.”
Cash wholly concurred. He’d never seen Carson look so…wrecked. Clad in faded jeans and a T-shirt boasting several holes, jaw covered in stubble, blond hair tousled as if he’d repeatedly run his fingers through it. And his expression reflected nothing but sheer misery.
“Sit down,” Garrett said quietly. “I’ll grab you a beer.”
“In a minute,” Carson said in a tired voice. His gaze shifted to Cash. “McCoy, a word?”
With a nod, Cash stood up, ignoring the bewildered looks he received from the others. He followed Carson to the kitchen, where Carson made a beeline for the sliding door leading to the backyard. The night air was balmy when they stepped outside.
Carson dropped into a wicker chair and pointed to the chair across from him. “Sit.”
Cash sat.
After several long moments, Carson cleared his throat. “How’s the lip?”
“It’s fine.”
A pained look flashed across the other man’s face. “I shouldn’t have slugged you.”
Cash sighed. “Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t do worse.”
Carson rubbed his chin in a gesture of pure frustration. “Holly’s staying with her sister again.”
“Aw, fuck. I’m sorry, man.”
“Look, about that woman you and Jenny saw me with,” Carson started.
“You don’t have to explain. It’s none of our business.”
“Her name’s Angel Whittaker. She’s…ah, the therapist I’ve been seeing.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, I started seeing her a month or two before we got deployed.” Carson hung his head. “Holly and I were having problems then too. And once we got back, things just got worse, so I called Angel. She was on vacation, but I convinced her to meet me for coffee so we could talk about…you know, about everything. Usually I see her at her office.”
“Is she helping?”
“Not really, but I’ve realized that’s because I was talking to the wrong person. I should have been talking to my wife instead of babbling on to some stranger about how much things suck. Angel told me I wouldn’t fix anything unless I start openly communicating with Holly. Jenny said the same thing, but idiot that I am, I’m going around thinking everything will fix itself, or that having a baby might make things better. I’m an asshole, huh?”
“You’re not an asshole. Well, not all of the time.”
Carson flashed a dry grin. “Thanks.”
“So what now?” Cash asked.
“Now I try to convince my wife how much I fucking love her. I know it’s tough for her, with me gone for long periods of time, but it’s tough for me too. I love that woman to death and I don’t care if we have ten kids or no kids. I just want Holly.”
“You should be saying this to her, not me,” Cash pointed out.
“Trust me, I’ll tell her.” Carson got that look in his eyes, the determined one he wore during particularly hazardous missions. “I’ll keep telling her until she gets sick of hearing it.”
“Sounds like a good plan.”
“And listen, about you and my sister…”
He winced. “I’m sorry about that, LT. It was a total violation of guy code, I know that, but it just happened. I didn’t plan on getting involved with her, and if you want to punch me in the face a few more times, I promise I won’t even put up a fight. But…” A heavy breath slipped out. “But if you ask me to end it, I’ll respectfully refuse.”
Carson tipped his head to the side. “You really do care about her, don’t you?”
He nodded. Then he shook his head. “No. I more than care about her. I’m in love with her.”
Carson’s eyebrows shot up. “For real?”
“Yes.”
To his surprise, Carson didn’t seem angry. Just oddly sad. “Shit, I’m not just an asshole husband. I suck in the brother department too, apparently. I really do treat her like a child, don’t I?”
“Yup.”
“It’s because I’m used to thinking of her as the baby of the family, you know? And fine, maybe I still see her as a bit of a screw-up. She’s smart as hell, but she didn’t make any effort in school. She could’ve gotten As in every fucking class, gone to some Ivy League college and become a big-shot career woman, but she was always more concerned with taking pictures.”
“It’s what she loves to do. And she’s good at it.” He told Carson about Jen’s job interview in L.A. next week, which brought a crease of shame to the guy’s forehead.
“She didn’t even call to tell me about it.”
“Well, she’s not very happy with you at the moment.”
“What about you?” A serious note entered Carson’s voice. “Is she happy with you?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m glad then.”
“You are?”
“Don’t get me wrong—I’m still annoyed as fuck that you put the moves on my sister after I told you not to, but in all honesty? If there’s anyone I could tolerate my little sister with, it’s you, McCoy.”
Cash swallowed a lump of pain. “As much as I appreciate your blessing, I’m not sure it matters. Jen’s not interested in anything long-term. She doesn’t want everything that comes along with dating a military guy, and I don’t know how to change her mind.”
“Does she know how you feel about her?”
He slowly shook his head.
“Then tell her. Trust me, I’m learning that communication is a big fucking deal. Maybe if she knows how you feel, she’ll change her mind about her military rule.”
“Maybe.” He suddenly remembered something. “Hey, by the way, Brendan left town.”
“Yeah, I know. The admiral told me.”
“Jen’s going to stay at my place for a few more days, but then she’s moving back to her apartment.”
Carson got to his feet. “You’re a good man, McCoy. You know that, right?”
“Thanks, LT.”
“And if you do end up with my sister, I won’t have any complaints.” Carson began to laugh. “It’s funny, I was so worried about you taking advantage of her, but now I’m starting to think you might be the best thing that’s ever happened to her.”