Hate Notes

We were back in New York, but nothing resembled the way things were before we’d gone to Texas. It felt like everything had changed.

Charlotte was taking a much-needed break from work, some time to clear her head after everything she’d endured in Houston. The office was completely lackluster without her around. She’d decided to stay with her parents up in Poughkeepsie for a while, and I fully supported that idea. It was a reluctant but much-needed break, one I intended to use to figure out what I was going to do when it came to her.

It pleased me that she was choosing to lean on her parents and not me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be there for her. I ached to be able to comfort her. But being physically around her after what we’d done in that hotel room in Texas would have been too much. My rational brain was useless whenever she was around. And I had big decisions to make that I needed my brain for.

Alone in my office, I kept hearing Charlotte’s mother’s words repeating in my head.

“The best thing we can offer Charlotte is continuity—be reliable when she needs us most.”

Nancy Darling likely had no clue that while I could offer her daughter short-term continuity and reliability, my being there for her now would be to Charlotte’s detriment later in life. Charlotte thought she knew what was best for herself. She was young, bright-eyed, and naive. The situation with me wasn’t as simple as she was making it out to be. She’d said she’d rather have a limited amount of time with someone than none at all. She couldn’t possibly make that decision for herself now. It’s easy to say something like that when everyone is in good health. Would she feel the same if I weren’t healthy and if my slow deterioration went on for years of her life?

I had to be careful. We’d crossed a very big line when we had sex.

Incredible, mind-blowing, raw sex that I would never forget for as long as I lived.

I’d told her it would only be one night, and I had the opportunity to stick to my word and not fuck everything up for good.

Unless I was going to be with Charlotte long-term, it was imperative that I never have sex with her again. Once we broke the one-time rule . . . that would be it. It would be extremely difficult to go back from that. Not to mention, she would become even more attached to me.

But I want her attached to me, don’t I?

That was the fucked-up thing. I was so incredibly torn between the selfish desire to give in to my need for Charlotte and the smart choice of letting her go.

I hated to say it. I really hated to say it, but I needed my brother. Max’s head was in the clouds half the time. He was self-absorbed and not necessarily in the loop with my life. That was partly my choice for not opening up to him when it came to Charlotte. But when the shit really hit the fan, he was always the one I turned to for advice at the eleventh hour.

Since Charlotte was taking some time off, it was the perfect opportunity to ask Max to meet me at the office for an impromptu meeting to catch up. Even though it wasn’t the usual day of the week that he normally decided to grace us with his presence, Max made a special trip in to see me after I left him an urgent voice mail.

He sauntered into my office with a box of doughnuts and two coffees, because urgent matters apparently warranted doughnuts. Max was the only person I knew who could consume endless amounts of crap and still maintain a toned, rock-hard body.

He took a bite of his cruller and spoke with his mouth full. “Dude . . . you dying or something? I can’t remember the last time you called me in just to talk.”

I could remember. It had been after I’d found out I had MS. That was literally the last time I’d asked Max to meet me for an emergency powwow.

“Sit down, brother,” I said.

“What is this about?”

“It’s about Charlotte.”

“You got it bad for her. Grandmother told me you helped her find her birth mother out in Texas, that the mother died. That’s crazy. How’s Charlotte doing?”

“She’s with her parents upstate, taking some time off. The Texas trip sort of did me in, too, in more ways than one.”

He squinted. “You fucked her, didn’t you?” My lack of denial was enough for him to add, “You lucky bastard.”

Letting out a long breath, I said, “I need you to figure this out for me, Max.”

“What’s there to figure out?”

“You know what. I never wanted to get involved with her, never wanted to take things this far, because of my diagnosis. I fucked up royally.”

“You fucked her royally. I don’t see the problem with that at all.” He picked up another doughnut and waved it at me. “You want me to tell you how to get rid of the best thing that’s ever happened to you and not have it hurt like hell? You think I’m some kind of fucking magician? There is no easy answer to this because you’re in love with the girl, am I right?”

Taking a deep breath in and out, I conceded, “Ass over head in love with her.”

“Then be with her. She knows everything about you. She’s accepted it. Be with her, Reed.”

“What if I can’t? What if the guilt is too much? How do I leave her? Tell me how to leave her.”

“There’s no happy medium. Either you be with her, or you stop. You just stop cold turkey. You don’t lead her on anymore, and you don’t try to be her friend, or be her fucking hero, because we both know that’s a bunch of bullshit. You’re beyond that point. And I hate to say it, but you really can’t work together if you decide to walk away from this. That shit won’t work. You’ll continue to slip, and you’ll end up in the same situation, and that’s not fair. So either shit or get off the pot. And you’d better find her a new job if you decide to walk away. She’ll be okay. Believe me, there are plenty of men who would love to lick her wounds.”

I knew he added that last part to test me. He knew that would make me crazy. His words were harsh, but I knew they were the goddamn truth. There was no middle ground with Charlotte. Either I was all in or all out.

“Max, you’re nothing if not a straight shooter. Thank you. I needed the slap in the face.”

That night, alone in my apartment, I stared out at the skyline, no more certain of what I should do. The only thing I was certain of was that Charlotte and I really couldn’t ever just be friends. It would be too painful to watch her moving on with her life. There would never be a time when I didn’t want Charlotte Darling more than my next breath.

When my cell phone rang past midnight, I’d almost ignored it until I saw it was her.

I picked up. “What are you doing up so late?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

My body stirred at the mere sound of her voice, a testament to exactly how weak I was when it came to her. It was much easier to consider a hard break from Charlotte when I wasn’t looking at her or even hearing her voice. Even without her around, I was perpetually hard just thinking about our night together.

“I’m sorry you’re having insomnia.”

“Did I wake you?” she asked.

“No. And it wouldn’t have mattered if you did. How are things at home?”

“I’m feeling very lost, like I’m here but I’m not. I don’t really know how to explain it. So much of my life had been spent wondering where I came from. I feel this weird void now. But it’s more than that, more than my mother’s passing. I feel like I’m at a turning point in my life, but one where I don’t even know what my options are, only that something needs to change. Yet I don’t have the energy to think about any of it or figure it out. I haven’t even wanted to get out of bed most days.”

“That’s depression, Charlotte. I know it well, because I went through a long bout of it, especially after I was diagnosed, when my mind would go to the worst-case scenario. You’ll be okay. I promise. You just have to ride it out.”

“What would you specifically think about during that time?” she asked.

Even though I didn’t want to turn this conversation onto me, I began to open up a little.

“I’d just start to picture myself incapacitated, unable to move, stuff like that. And that would make the depression worse.”

There was some silence before she said, “You know, if someone really loves you, they would rather have any time with you than none at all, right? When you love someone, even taking care of them when they can’t take care of themselves is an honor, not a burden.”

The fucked-up thing was, I was starting to actually believe she felt that way. I just couldn’t imagine burdening someone I loved, regardless of how they saw the situation. My chest tightened. I needed to get off this subject.

“Let’s get back to you. Is this the first time you’ve ever gone through anything like this?”

“Yeah. This has never happened to me before.”

“People will tell you to just get up and do something, take your mind off it, but you can’t even pinpoint what it is. It’s just a feeling of emptiness that follows you around. Sometimes, it just needs to pass on its own. It will pass. Your mind will clear, you’ll figure out what you want, and you’ll get your spark back.”

“How are things at the office?”

Fucking miserable without you.

“Uneventful. You’re not missing out on anything. Don’t worry about that.”

“You said you have the temp there for up to thirty days?”

“Longer if need be. Just take all the time you need.”

“I might in fact need more time. I’m thinking of doing some traveling.”

My stomach dipped. “Where are you going?”

“I haven’t decided yet.”

“Charlotte, if you need anything—money—anything for your trip, please let me know.”

“No. No, I don’t need your money. You’ve done enough for me.” There was a pause, then she said, “Anyway, I’d better let you go to sleep.”

“I can stay up all night if you need me to.”

“It’s okay. I need to try to sleep myself.”

“Call me again. Please, keep me updated.”

“I will. Good night, Reed.”

“Charlotte?”

“Yes?”

I didn’t even know why I’d called her name out, why I didn’t just let her go. It wasn’t like I could say the things I wished I could.

It’s killing me that you’re hurting.

Come home with me. Let me take care of you.

I love you.

I love you, Charlotte.

“Take care of yourself,” I simply said.