Haelan’s Desire (Walk Through Shadows Book Four)

When Haelan slipped into the bedroom, his eyes immediately sought out the shape of Em’s body under the blanket. The room was lit by the small lamp on the nightstand next to his side of the bed, leaving her cast in shadows. She didn’t move as the floorboards creaked under his feet. He kept his gaze on her as he moved closer. There was no motion showing that she’d heard his entrance, just the slight rise and fall of the blue patterned fabric she was snuggled under. Em was facing the outside of the bed, which was odd. Typically, she would either be on her back or turned toward the middle of the bed.

Haelan dropped the clothes he’d changed out of onto the dresser as he got close to the bed, then flipped the blanket back. She didn’t move. He turned out the light and slid onto the mattress. “Good night, lass,” he whispered into the darkness. On the other side of the bed, Em bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut.

After overhearing Haelan talking with Isabelle, she’d stood outside the kitchen for several minutes as shock froze her to the spot. It was the sound of Alasdair’s footsteps on the staircase behind her that got her moving. She’d walked into the kitchen, trying to look as if she hadn’t heard anything, and failed terribly.

Her hands were shaking so when she tried to put the monitor on the table it slipped from her grasp and bounced across the wooden surface. Haelan rescued it before it escaped over the edge and placed it in front of Isabelle. Em laughed nervously, announced that she was going to bed, then scurried, as quietly as she could, upstairs.

She breathed an enormous sigh of relief as the bedroom door closed behind her and she was alone with her thoughts. Her very jumbled thoughts.

What kind of man does this?

You mean leaves his own realm to look after you, holds your hand while you cry, soothes you when the beast ravages your dreams?

Exactly. What kind of guy does that without getting anything in return? It could be a scam. He could be doing this to get close to you.

Are you serious? He’s let you cry on his shoulder for months, over another man—

Without so much as copping a feel for—

“This is insane,” she murmured as she grabbed her bag to pull out the smaller bag of toiletries. She cracked the door open a few inches and peeked out into the hallway. There was no one else upstairs yet. She hurried to the main washroom and brushed her teeth quickly, then rushed back to the bedroom to change. Her hands were still shaking when she pulled her clothes off and shimmied into her pajamas. Briefly she looked down at her ensemble, the black tank top and shorts felt skimpy, the little silver stars that dotted the fabric sparkled up at her cheerily. She huffed as she ripped back the blanket and sat down on the mattress. Her eyes turned towards the door.

What am I supposed to do now?

He told you—

It was a dream—

But still—

“Just stop,” she whispered as she flopped onto her side and dragged the blanket up to her chin. It wasn’t until Haelan had joined her and his breath settled into a slow, deep rhythm that she finally drifted off.

Haelan woke in the darkness and listened for whatever sound that had disturbed his sleep to happen again. After a minute, he heard it.

“Haelan,” Em murmured in an urgent whisper.

He reached over to take her hand under the blanket. “I’m here, lass.”

She turned her head on the pillow. “Don’t let him—” She pushed herself towards him. “Oh god—he’s coming.” She pulled her hand away to shield herself from an unseen foe. “We have to hide!”

He scooted closer to her and grabbed one of her hands. “No one’s there,” he whispered. “You’re safe.” She turned toward him suddenly, pressed herself against the solid wall of his chest, and tucked her face into his neck. He wrapped his arm around her and smoothed her back. “I won’t let anyone hurt you.” He pressed his cheek to her hair and took a deep breath. Her hands flattened against him as she relaxed back into sleep’s embrace. He closed his eyes as his lips curved into a little smile. Em hadn’t sought the haven his arms offered many times during their relationship, but when she did, he was more than willing to provide it.

He hadn’t been entirely truthful with Isabelle. It’d become clear to him that Em was his true mate since shortly after the first month he’d gone home with her. He hadn’t needed Deamol to take the sketch of Em that Tyrus had done one afternoon in the garden to Rayne. He’d only agreed to it in order to avoid discussing it further with his mother.

The truth was, it had revealed itself to him the first time he’d seen her with her students. The moment those little dancers stepped into the room with her, she’d shed the cloud of sadness she’d been living in and he saw the real Em. For two hours he’d sat in the corner of the room entranced by her smile, her joy, and been smitten. And torn.

It had taken several weeks for him to admit to himself that his mother had been right. Tristina would want him to be happy. He knew, if their positions were reversed, he would want the same for her. But even with that admission, he’d grappled with guilt even as his heart opened itself to Em.

As he drifted back to sleep, mating magic pulled at him, a slight clench in his chest that had been growing in intensity as they spent more time together. He took another breath and pushed back at it as she pressed herself closer to him. His arm tightened around her and she sighed in response.

Stars, it feels good to hold her.

Em woke up early the next morning. She was on her side with Haelan’s chest grazing her back. She moved her legs a little and discovered his knees tucked behind hers. Her eyes opened as the weight of his arm slid over her ribs.

It was not the first time her day had started with being spooned by Haelan. But it wasn’t a common occurrence, as he seemed to make a point out of respecting her personal space at night. As the fog of sleep lifted from her brain, her body stiffened. She’d stumbled across a big truth about their relationship the night before, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it yet. She held her breath as his arm moved again; he pulled her against his chest, and his cheek pressed against the back of her head.

Would it be so bad?

Would what be so bad?

Being loved by him?

Apparently it’s a little too late for that.

That’s right… Can you love him back?

Her mind went blank as she pushed that question away. She took a shallow breath and relaxed against the warmth of his big body.

“Go back to sleep, lass,” he mumbled.

“I am,” she whispered.

“Mmm,” he hummed softly as his legs moved closer to hers. “I missed having you fall asleep next to me.”

Her eyes opened wider. “I would have thought you’d be happy to be away from a weeping woman for a while.”

His chuckle rumbled against her back. “You don’t always weep.”

“Fine,” she muttered. “Not always, but often.”

“And with good reason.”

She frowned as the cozy warmth of his body pressed against her. “Can I tell you something?” she asked.

“Of course, we’ve become friends, haven’t we?”

She stifled a laugh. “I don’t normally sleep in the same bed as my friends, but sure.”

“What secret do you want to share with me?” He sounded a little more awake with that question.

She was quiet for a minute. “I dreamed about him.” She shifted onto her back to look at him. “But it was different that it usually is.”

He pushed himself onto his elbow to look down at her. “How was it different?”

She chewed her lip as she tried to find the right words. “Usually it feels like a memory, but this one was—” She looked up into Haelan’s concerned eyes and frowned. “Like he was there with me. In the room, I mean.”

“When did this happen?”

“A few weeks ago.” She tilted her head. “I know it’s crazy, but it felt so real. When I woke up, I was sure that I’d touched him.”

“That’s strange.”

She nodded. “And I haven’t dreamed about him since that night.” His eyebrows went up. “Just—” Her eyes closed. “You know,” she whispered.

“It must have been bad last night,” he said. “You called for me.”

She looked away. “It was chasing me through that damned house.”

“Lass, I’m sorry.” He reached up and brushed her hair away from her cheek. “I would do more if I could.” Down the hall, Celene cried out, demanding attention from her parents. The muffled sound of Isabelle’s voice reached them through the door.

Em looked up at Haelan. “That’s really sweet.” She reached up and took his hand. “You’ve been unbelievably kind.” She smiled. “And patient.”

He was quiet for a moment, then lifted her hand to his lips to press a soft kiss to the back of it. “I did miss you, lass.”

Her gaze settled on his lips and the butterflies that had nested in her stomach the previous night woke up, then took off on another loop around her insides. Her breath caught as he smiled slowly. After a few seconds she dragged her eyes away from the smile that seemed to melt the icy pain around her heart, to his eyes. Those wonderfully comforting brown eyes, with tiny flecks of amber randomly spaced around the pupils, were not holding a sympathetic look for once. Unless she was mistaken, his eyes held the heat of desire.

“I—” She swallowed as her throat went dry. “I missed you too,” she croaked. Her eyes shifted toward the door as Alasdair’s deep voice joined his mate’s. “He’s singing?” Haelan looked over shoulder, listened for a moment, then looked at her with a grin. “Does he do that often? Besides lullaby’s?”

“He’s been singing to her since before she was born. It’s not uncommon in our culture.”

“Did you sing to your sons?”

“Every day,” he said as he slid his hand out from under his head and rested his chin on her shoulder. “And someday, hopefully soon, they will carry on the tradition with their own children.”

“I thought they hadn’t chosen mates yet.” She tried to look at him, but he was too close to her face.

“Faine has. Stars willing it will be a fruitful union.”

“You didn’t mention anything.”

“It was rather sudden,” he said. “That sometimes happens with true mates.”

Her eyes narrowed for a second. “But not always?”

“Even when we’ve found our true mate, we can choose whether to complete the mating process.”

“You’re not like werewolves?”

“No, we can bond with a chosen mate instead.”

“Was your mate chosen?” she asked. He went still. “I’m sorry.” She slid out from under him and pushed herself onto her hip. “That’s none of my business.”

He reached out and caught her arm as she moved to get off the bed. “Em, wait—”

She turned to look at him. “No, that was over the line.” She took his hand from her arm and gave his fingers a squeeze. “You’ve been so nice to me and that was rude. I’m sorry.”

“Lass,” he said with a brief smile. “I think I’d be more offended if you weren’t curious about my life.” He looked down at the rumpled blanket. “It’s true, it has been difficult for me to discuss my mate.”

“You must think I’m being ridiculous,” she said.

He looked up at her. “Why would I think that?”

“Because I’ve been crying over Balthazar all this time and we only knew each other for a few months,” she said with a shrug. “You were with her for how long?”

“Four years, and yes, she was my chosen mate.”

Em looked at him. “I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you, lass.” He smiled.

“God, I feel stupid.” She let go of his hand and stood. “You went through that, raised to rambunctious boys, and you’re still—” She waved her hand at him.

“Still?”

“Nice.” He grinned. “And that—” She pointed as his grin turned into a wide smile. “You’re happy.” Her hand flopped down to her side. “I wasn’t even brave enough to tell him I loved him, and I can’t look in the mirror without feeling guilty.”

Haelan moved to the edge of the bed and swung his legs off the mattress. “Lass, he chose to fight for you. We all did.”

Her shoulders slumped, and she covered her face with her hands. “I wanted to run,” she whispered. “We should have run.”

“He thought you deserved better.” Haelan stood up and cupped her shoulders gently. “He wanted you to be free.” Her shoulders trembled under his hands. “Lass, I’ve told no one what I went through those first weeks after Tristina died. How I wanted to crawl into her grave with her and let life go on without me.” His fingers squeezed. “But that would have dishonoured her sacrifice. She gave her life bringing our children into the world. I owed it to her to keep going.” He leaned his head close to her ear. “I don’t think you’re ridiculous for feeling the pain of his loss. You loved him and that’s all that matters. Not the length of time that love existed.” She pulled her hands from her face and threw them around his back with a sob. “You know I thought he was a good man.” He wrapped his arms around her and tucked his head close to hers. “Honour him by living, lass.” Her breath shuddered hard, and after a moment, she nodded.

They stood there, just holding each other, for several minutes, then Em eased herself free of Haelan’s arms. She wiped her cheeks and looked up at him with a flustered smile. “You always know the right thing to say.”

“I’ve had years of practice telling myself these things,” he said as he reached up and brushed her cheek with his thumb.

She lifted her hand and pressed his hand against her cheek. “I’m lucky he chose you.” She smiled. “And grateful that you accepted.”

“As am I,” he said with a smile.

They sprang apart from each other as a soft knock echoed through the room. A second later, the door opened an inch and Isabelle peeked in. “I thought I heard voices,” she said as she opened the door wider. “I fed Celene, now someone needs to feed me.” Em laughed, then went to her bag to pull out her robe. “Have you had her pancakes?” Isabelle directed the question at Haelan, he nodded. “Mmm so good.” She grinned at Em. “I’ll make coffee for you.”

“Deal,” Em said as she tied her robe closed.

Isabelle looked at Haelan with a confused smile. “How do you do that?”

He looked down at himself, then back at her. “What are you talking about?”

“Your hair is almost as long as Em’s and yet when you wake up you look—” She waved at him. “Like that.” She swung her gaze to Em. “Haven’t you ever noticed?”

Em turned to look at Haelan, ran her gaze from the top of his head all the way to his feet and back up to his rapidly reddening face. She waved her index finger at his low slung red plaid pajama bottoms, then the red t-shirt stretched over his well-defined chest, to his barely dishevelled hair. “Uh ya—” She swallowed. “You’ve got a slightly mussed heart throb thing going on,” she muttered quickly then turned away as her face turned a shade almost as red as Haelan’s. Her hand pressed against her stomach to quiet the manic butterflies, and she scurried past Isabelle into the hallway.

Isabelle winked at Haelan’s glare, then turned to follow her cousin.

Dear universe, please stop.

Em closed her eyes, but it was too late. The image of Haelan’s half naked torso was burned into her brain. A coffee cup wavered in the air in front of her face.

She’d been taking a sip when Haelan had walked into the kitchen, right in the middle of pulling his shirt on. And she’d seen more of his skin than she was used to. One quality she’d grown accustomed to was his almost absurd sense of modesty. He had always been careful about being dressed around her. Until that morning.

She’d gotten a glimpse of rippling abs marred by a few scars, thin white lines that stood out against his naturally tanned skin, and a fine line of dark blond hair that split his abdomen into halves before disappearing into the waistband of his jeans.

A fucking treasure trail—

“Em,” Isabelle said as she scooted around her to the stove. “I think they’re burning.”

Em’s eyes opened then went wide. Haelan was standing across the island from her. She looked away from his curious smile and set her cup down. “Shit,” she murmured as she spun around to help Isabelle. “Do you have it?”

“Yep,” Isabelle said as she flipped a pancake over. “Just in time.” She smiled at Em. “What’s going on with you?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Em muttered as she turned to grab a plate from a stack on the counter.

“Uh huh,” Isabelle murmured with a wink. “I saw it too.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Those abs,” she breathed as she leaned into Em’s shoulder and looked at her with doe eyes.

Em swallowed a nervous giggle. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” she hissed. “Ogling your brother-in-law like that.” Isabelle batted her eyelashes. “You’re terrible.”

“What’s so special about these?” Alasdair asked as he took the plate from Em.

“She puts cinnamon and nutmeg in them,” Haelan said offhandedly from the seat he’d taken at the table. “Em loves cinnamon.”

Em turned to him with a surprised look on her face. “He’s got you there,” Isabelle said with a laugh.

“How do you know that?” Em asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Bastion always makes you a cinnamon latte without being asked, and at least once a week he puts a slice of apple pie in with your sandwich,” Haelan answered with a shrug.

“Isn’t it nice when a guy pays attention?” Isabelle punctuated her question with a little poke at Em’s side.

Em turned to her with a stormy look on her face. “Would you stop it?”

“Stop what?” Isabelle moved to the side before Em could push her away from the stove with her hip.

Em grabbed the spatula from Isabelle’s hand, used it to take the three pancakes from the pan, and slid them onto a plate. “Putting things in my damn head,” she muttered. “Here.” She shoved the plate at Isabelle. “Go feed your brother-in-law.” Isabelle grinned at her and sashayed over to the table to deposit the plate in front of Haelan. “This is hard enough as it is,” Em said under her breath. She pulled the bowl of batter closer to the stove to ladle a few more pancakes into the pan. “I should burn yours,” she muttered with a glare at Isabelle. She just smiled at Em as she came back and leaned against the counter out of Em’s reach. “You’re a bad influence.” Em stabbed the spatula in Isabelle’s direction then turned back to the stove, trying to ignore Isabelle’s soft snicker, and failing. Despite her efforts, her lips curled into a tiny smile.

Definitely a bad influence. Em thought as she flipped the pancakes. Ugh, why does she have to be right?