Grim and Bear It

Rule #11: It is imperative that a reaper remember to change into comfortable clothing that they do not mind spending eternity in before their human expiration date. Once dead, the clothing cannot be removed. -The Reaper Code of Ethics, official handbook.

Poppy

My anxiety didn't die down until the team was back at the bar, debriefing us. There were several bodies-human presenting and wolf presenting alike—but any drug stock was burned up. Fenton had attempted to chase Fletcher in his truck, but he'd lost her as she vanished into the woods. Apparently we weren't the only ones who could drive through forests.

It had been a bittersweet ending and everyone was exhausted. Even me, somehow. After a late dinner, we went back to the motel.

"Come shower with me," Jake said.

I surprised even myself by shaking my head. "I think I need a minute?" I admitted.

He kissed me softly and nodded. "Take all the time you need."

I waited until he closed the door and turned the shower on, then sat down in an armchair and covered my face with my hands. Today had been so much. Too much. My brain and body weren't used to this much Earth and I was wrecked. While dismal, gray, and boring, the reaper world was quiet and cool. Outside of my jail break, it was always a safe space, a home. I'd never appreciated that until now.

I had forgotten that the energy in this world was constant, overwhelming. Or maybe it had just increased over the last twelve years. With a long sigh I stood and stretched, reaching under my shirt to scratch my stomach.

I froze. I'd forgotten I could remove my shirt.

Cautiously, I pulled it over my head and brushed my hands over my body from shoulder to hip. Then I tugged at my leggings. They came away from my body and I saw my black underwear underneath. I pulled them off and folded them, setting them on the chair.

I walked over to the mirror and sink outside of the bathroom and stared at the body I hadn't seen in twelve years. It was both what I remembered and somehow not. The scar from my appendix surgery at fifteen was still there, as was the mole just above my belly button. Age had brought me a rounder stomach, creases underneath my breasts, new stretch marks, and a dusting of age spots. I had said goodbye to my thigh gap a long time ago.

I smiled at the woman in the mirror. As a teenager, I had been awkward and unsure of my body. As an adult, I was happy with the way I looked and the way my body had grown.

I turned on the water at the sink and ran my hands under it, then splashed some onto my face. It felt like it should feel wet, but my hands were dry as if I was washing them with gloves on. I turned the sink off and walked back to the bed, sitting on the edge.

The bathroom door opened and I stared at the sight of Jake in a towel. Good lord, my man was breathtaking.

Jake stopped short, staring at me. "How? I thought...you said..." He swallowed hard.

"I guess the longer I'm on this side, the less restricted I am." I should be terrified that something was very obviously happening to me that shouldn't be, but right now I wasn't going to think about it.

His mouth hung open.

I bit my bottom lip. The way he was looking at me made my entire body warm. He made me feel like I was the only person on Earth.

The entire day fell away. The entire week. Right now, it was him and me alone in this room. "Jake? Kiss me. Everywhere."

His mouth sealed on mine before the words were completely out of my mouth. This wasn't some tender exploration, but years and years of pent-up need. We had never gone all the way as teens, Jake wanting to wait until I was eighteen so our parents didn't kill us. Now, we were both over eighteen, completely alone behind a locked door, and with zero family around. And I was able to take my pants off.

I wasn't going to let anything stop us tonight. After all, what was the worst thing that could happen? I was already technically dead. I wasn't going to die again.

His arm went tight around my waist and he tossed me to the center of the bed. He pulled off his towel and dove in beside me, pulling my body against his.

I gasped at the feel of his warm skin touching every inch of mine. Our mouths collided again. Long strokes of his tongue against mine stoked a fire low in my abdomen, a feeling I hadn't had since I was alive.

He shifted to his back and licked his lips. "Bring those hips here and hang on to the headboard. Let's see if I can make you fly."

My entire body twinged with a jolt of pleasure as I climbed up his body. His hands gripped my hips with purpose, moving me directly over his face. With his eyes locked on mine, he pulled me down to his lips. He moaned and I cried out as the wet heat of his mouth moved over my most sensitive flesh.

His tongue tasted me, savored me and oh my god I couldn't believe I had forgotten how amazing he made me feel. Gone were the timid strokes of a young man who knew we would pay hell if we got caught, who was as inexperienced as me. There was no hesitation now. "Tell me what you want," he breathed into me.

"You, right there," I returned.

He groaned as his arms wrapped around my legs and he arched up to somehow give me more pressure, slipping his tongue deep inside of me, then around my sensitive nub. The pleasure grew tighter in my stomach, and I moaned, my hands gripping the headboard until it creaked.

"Please don't stop," I pleaded. "Yes, perfect, don't you dare stop." I didn't even know what I was saying, my pleas lost to the fog of pleasure.

I thought I'd known what I'd been missing all these years, thought that the novels I read had somehow captured what it had been like in Jake's arms. Not even close. He groaned and I felt it throughout my entire body. I closed my eyes, my head falling back. It was too much. My legs trembled and I sucked in air through my mouth, somehow needing the breath.

He began moving his tongue in a steady rhythm, me grinding down on him and him gripping me tighter. Oh god, I didn't even care if I couldn't orgasm, this was the most amazing feeling I'd ever had in my entire life. I forced my eyes open and looked down into his, the blue so dark, they were nearly midnight. He was entirely focused on me. With a wink, he applied just a little more pressure with his tongue.

I screamed.

Every muscle in my body tightened and then splintered apart. It was a tidal wave, and I was drowning. It was sunshine and starlight and lingering kisses and whispered I love yous and everything that I had held in my heart, times a thousand. Minutes and days and decades without him didn't exist in this moment. Memories of witnessing hundreds of thousands of deaths were pushed completely from my mind. I was simultaneously falling and flying with his arms around me, and a laugh of pure elation escaped.

He smiled against me. "God, you're so beautiful when you come."

"Jake," I whispered as I floated back down to earth, my arms too much like jelly to hold myself up.

He moved me to his chest, taking my weight. "I will never get tired of doing that," he whispered against my lips. "You were made for me, Poppy."

"You were made for me." I kissed him long and deep, until the fire reignited and I arched into him, needing more.

"I'm not done with you yet," he said against my mouth. "Get back up here."

"Compromise," I whispered, turning my body around so my mouth could taste him, too.

As we moved together, hot mouths and shallow breaths and desperate pleas, he added one finger and then two, and I fell apart a second time, his name a prayer on my lips. "Jake, I need you," I gasped. "Please."

"Give me one more orgasm, love, and I'll make your wish come true," he teased, returning his mouth to me.

He didn't need to ask me twice. Just imagining what he'd feel like, combined with the way he moved his fingers and tongue, sent me spiraling a third time. My body was still throbbing with aftershocks, when I pulled away and spun around, my mouth crashing against his again. "Make love to me. Hurry."

He laughed softly and put both of his hands on the side of my face. "Are you sure?"

"Jacob Robinson, shut up and stop wasting time before another emergency or something happens!"

He laughed into my neck, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. He was damp with sweat and I loved it. "God, I love you." He kissed me softly, as if to remind me that I was precious to him. "Do we need to talk about birth control? I get tested annually, and all my results came back negative."

"You're the only person I've been intimate with, and not since I was sixteen." I kissed him again, moving so we were so, so close.

"Birth control?"

I pulled back and raised my eyebrows. "I haven't had a period in twelve years. I don't even have ovaries."

"Are you sure you're ready?"

"Jake. Please make love to me for the first time."

He smiled and stroked his hand through my hair, then kissed me. "I forgot you're new to this."

"While we were waiting for me to turn eighteen, I had to inconveniently die."

"It was extremely poor timing," he agreed and kissed me again. "It'll be easier for you to be on top." Another kiss, this one on my neck. "Wrap your hand around me and guide me, Poppy," he whispered.

I sat up and he followed me, his mouth staying against mine. "Jake,” I breathed as I shifted and slowly welcomed him inside of me. There was pressure that eased into pleasure. Our lips together, mouths opening, gasping for air. "Holy shit." He laid his forehead against the crook of my neck, lifting his hips up once. "Good god, if I knew this was what you'd feel like, I would've risked anything to have you back then." He dragged his lips up my neck, his hands digging into my hair. "Move please, love. Please."

I experimented with different ways to move my hips, each moan from me and groan from Jake reverberating throughout my entire body. An inferno stoked by lips and hands and desperate whispers burned in the space between us. He wrapped me tighter in his arms, my chest pressed against his as he took over, his tongue in my mouth moving in rhythm with his hips.

The pleasure built deeper, stronger than before. I was drowning in a wave, a tropical storm, a hurricane. Jake's hand moved between us, his fingers finding my sensitive bud and stroking with purpose. My vision blurred.

"I love you," I cried, the words the only thought left in the universe.

"Poppy," he whispered back. "My heart's always been yours." He rotated his hips. "Come for me, love."

Each one of his words crashed into me and I detonated. In the history of my existence, there would forever be a line marking the before and after. Jake had always been a part of me, and me of him, but this was more. This was everything. His entire body tensed and he growled my name, his release sending me back into bliss. I was already drowning and this sunk me straight to the bottom of the ocean. It was more divine than the most beautiful music, than my favorite book, than any of the thousands of daydreams I had conjured. It was more emotion than I had felt in twelve years.

A white-hot knot tightened in my chest and a sob burst from my throat.

Jake pressed his mouth to mine as something wet cascaded down my face. "Hey, hey," he pulled back. "Why the tears?"

"That was everything."

He kissed me again. "It was. It really was."

Then his words sank in. Why the tears? I broke the kiss and pressed my hands to my cheeks. I pulled them back and saw them glistening with wet. But how? I couldn't cry. Of course I also couldn't orgasm or have sex until about twenty minutes

ago.

I looked up at him, then showed him my palms. "Jake, what's happening to me?"

His thumbs stroked my cheeks, wiping them dry. "I don't know, but I'm right here, okay? I'm by your side."

A twinge in my chest sucked all the air from my lungs. I gripped Jake's shoulder, my eyes going wide. I sucked in a breath, then another, the twinge repeating.

"Poppy? What's wrong?" One hand covered mine on my chest while the other rested on my neck.

"I don't know," I managed, gasping for another breath. Was I dying? Again?

Jake's fingers stroked my neck, but he stilled when he moved over my pulse point. His eyes widened. "I think we need to talk to Romi."

I pressed my pointer and middle finger against the other side of my neck. Faintly, like the flutter of butterfly wings, a beat brushed against my fingers.

A heartbeat.

Romi and Fenton lived in a small ranch style home on the edge of town, a few miles away from the motel. Without hesitation, Fenton had come and picked us up, keeping the conversation light. He talked about the remodel he did, since Romi had been in a wheelchair for several months due to an injury, and how the wide doorways really made the house seem bigger. When we pulled into the gravel driveway, every light in the house was burning bright in welcome.

Romi met us at the door, holding it wide open. She smiled and gestured for us to come in, as if midnight was a perfectly normal time to have people over. After a quiet conversation with Fenton, who hurried out of the room as if on a mission, she joined us in the living room.

"Wow, the widened doorways make this place seem bigger," I commented, admiring the space. Everything was bright white and ornate, from the wood paneling to the white-on-white curtains with embroidered designs.

"They really do," Romi replied.

My gaze snapped to hers. "You can hear me?"

She nodded. "I'm glad you called me."

Fenton came back into the room and handed Romi a sweatshirt, a pair of tennis shoes that looked new, and a pair of thick socks. She kissed him and he stroked her cheekbone with his thumb, a touch that silently spoke such intimate words, I had to look away. He retreated to the kitchen, where he put a kettle on the stove.

She sat on the edge of the coffee table directly in front of me. "Poppy, I can see you."

"What?" Jake said looking between me and Romi, then at Fenton. "Can you see her?"

Fenton turned around and nodded. "I thought it best I waited to share the news until you were here."

"These are for you to change into. I'm sure you're tired of wearing the outfit you died in. I know I was." Romi put the clothes in my lap. "What's happening? Tell me everything."

"You can see me?" I repeated staring down at the clothes. "I..." I looked at her. "I don't know."

"Start from the moment you became a reaper."

She took my hand in hers while I explained the night I died, waking up as a reaper, and finished with the heartbeat. I released her hand, took two of her fingers, and pressed them against the pulse point in my wrist. Her purple eyes searched mine. "Ah, I see."

Fenton brought over four mugs and a teapot on a tray and set it next to Romi, along with some small pastries, then took a chair on the other side of the room, showing his support but giving us space.

"Do you want to try eating or drinking anything?" Romi asked.

"I'm scared," I whispered.

"Then we'll wait."

"What's going on?" Jake asked, looking between us.

Romi looked at me and I nodded, giving her permission to explain it. "I don't exactly know the details without more research, but I have two guesses."

She picked up a mug and filled it, offering it to Jake. "Sip on this. It's a family recipe and will calm you." Reluctantly, he released my hand and took the cup. She poured another one for Fenton, who stood and retrieved it before returning to his seat.

She took both of my hands. "The first idea is that the power source that keeps you all in their reaper state is directly tied to the island. Reapers likely need constant renewal of their magic, which is why you had to return daily and possibly why your shifts were broken up the way they were. Galinda, Loren's friend and a SHAP agent, might know more." She smiled sheepishly. "I'm still learning about the supernatural myself."

I squeezed her hands. "And the second?"

"I think that maybe you weren't supposed to be a reaper."

Jake sat up, setting his cup back on the coffee table. "What do you mean?"

"The seasickness, the inability to remove souls from the body yourself, the desperate feelings of not belonging, they all point to a mismatch. It's possible when you transitioned, your heart and your soul and your love for Jake prevented you from assimilating fully. Maybe being away from the reaper magic is allowing your body to reverse the process."

"I'm becoming human again?" I whispered, the words sounding like the punchline to a bad joke, but they were also everything I ever dreamed.

"It's only a guess," she clarified. "But it would explain everything you've told me." She looked at Jake. "If you give me twenty minutes, I'll pack a bag and we can hit the road tonight. I think it's best if we immediately see a SHAP doctor. I know that there's a leak, but is there a physician you trust?"

Jake nodded. "Paris had one on her team."

"Can you get a non-SHAP helicopter?" Fenton asked.

"I'll make some calls."

Fenton looked at his watch. "I'll get Loren's truck just in case they can't do a night run." He looked at me. "Are you comfortable with that?"

My stomach rolled. "Is it possible to be motion sick while sitting still?" I had always struggled with seasickness, although I could usually tolerate the backseat of a truck if we weren't on twisty roads.

Jake kissed my cheek. "You always did feel sick before a long trip." He squeezed my hand. "It'll be okay."

Fenton nodded, then stood. "I'll call my brothers and pack a cooler and some coffee. We can grab your stuff at the motel on the way out."

"I'll call Paris," Jake said.

Romi patted the pile on my lap. "See if the shoes fit. If not, we'll find you a pair that do." She stood. "I'm going to go pack and call Hazel to let her know I'll be out of town for a few days." "You really don't need to," I said too fast. "It's too much of an inconvenience."

She put her hands on my shoulders. "No, it's not. You don't have to go through this alone." She released me and hurried into the bedroom.

I turned to Jake, silently staring into his storm-cloud eyes. He stared at me back, our silent wishes and prayers and hope too precious, too fragile to say out loud. Was it possible? Could it be possible? Maybe I would get my happily-ever-after-no-our happily-ever-after.