Good Elf Gone Wrong: A Holiday Romantic Comedy

There was no reason for me to offer to help Gracie pick up the venue. Doing something nice for her? What the hell was that? That was something one of those romance novel dream boyfriends would do, not me.

In the military, I’d seen guys implode their whole lives trapped in a toxic relationship, and all relationships eventually became toxic, no matter how well they started off.

I didn’t do girlfriends or date. Yet here I was, trying to make Gracie’s life easier, and I still wasn’t any closer to completing the mission.

“This frees her up to spend time at the office,” I tried to convince myself.

This would be perfectly logical if not for the fact that I hadn’t offered to spread Christmas cheer with Gracie and steer her in the direction of the EnerCheck office. I had just let her loose in the small town of Maplewood Falls to Christmas it up.

“Get it together,” I told myself after directing my cleaning crew on the mess and offering bonuses. “You need to go find her.” Christmas was around the corner, and Grayson was no Santa Claus.

The thought of being around her, in a small space with her, felt unbearable. All I wanted was my hands on her body, my mouth on those pebble-hard pink nipples that I’d suck on until she was moaning and begging me to fuck her.

“Fuck. She’s the target, not some girl you’re trying to pick up at a bar.”

It had been a while since I’d been laid, that was all, I decided as I headed to the truck, one of the Christmas trees tossed over my shoulder. I needed to blow off some steam then find her and convince her to go to the EnerCheck office.

I needed to be focused around Gracie. Her innocent-virgin woe-is-me shtick was lulling me into a false sense of complacency. I needed to remember that she was intelligent and observant.

I never should have told her I owned the Canning Factory. I berated myself as I drove across town.

It had been a little eerie to watch her make connections, reevaluate me, throw away all of her preconceived notions, and reclassify me.

It reminded me of something I would do.

You don’t go home and bake elaborately decorated Christmas cookies.

“Does Grayson know you’re playing games while the clock is ticking?” Lawrence asked me as I clomped on my skates over to the ice.

“Fuck you,” I said and took off the blade guards.

“Touchy, touchy,” my brother said, removing his own guards as I stepped on the ice.

Anderson was already on the ice. He bodychecked Talbot, who was going for the puck.

This is what I need, I told myself, rolling my neck, trying to loosen my shoulders. Just some good ol’ fashioned violence.

I skated over to my younger brothers, snatched the puck from Talbot, and shot it neatly into a goal.

“Don’t be so full of yourself,” Jake called. “No one’s playing goalie.”

“Because you refused.”

“Damn right. The last time I was goalie, you hit me with a hockey stick,” Jake argued.

“Only because you almost broke my leg diving for a puck,” Anderson yelled at him.

I loved hockey. In the winter, when my brothers and I were little, we’d flood a nearby low spot and create a makeshift ice rink in the patch of dirt that doubled as a backyard.

Before I knew any better, I’d dreamed of becoming a hockey player—traveling around with the NHL, being treated like I mattered, the camaraderie, the glory. Too bad you needed to shell out big bucks to be on one of the elite travel teams that fed the pro league, cash my family didn’t have.

Now you lie to people for money and have sex with virgins in order to steal things.

Though it would kill me, I was going to have to sleep with her, wasn’t I? Things weren’t going in my favor, and I couldn’t keep putting it off.

I hated to admit it, but a sick part of me was going to enjoy it.

You’re going straight to hell.

“Fuck this shit.” I scooped up the puck and sent it flying.

“What the fuck, man!” Anderson yelled as the puck flew past his head.

“He’s salty he can’t manage to get one little girl to do what he wants,” Lawrence said with a smirk. “Christmas bells, are you listening? Grayson’s going to make you miserable.”

I grabbed my brother by the collar and shoved him against the Plexiglas barrier. Not hard—all his protective padding absorbed the impact, and my little brother just laughed at me.

“That doesn’t even rhyme.” I released him.

“Maybe you should try a different tactic,” Talbot said in a low voice.

“Do you have any brilliant ideas?” I asked sharply.

He rocked in his skates.

“You could try to actually be her boyfriend and really love bomb her.”

“He would have needed to start that six weeks ago,” Lawrence argued. “Gracie will be suspicious if he flips the script now.”

We are all horrible people, I suddenly realized. We are all as bad as our father.

“Can we play hockey?” I said. “Or are we going to stand around and gossip like middle-school girls?”

“Gossip! Gossip!” Jake and Lawrence shouted.

“You two …”

Jake focused on something behind me, grin slowly spreading on his face.

“Nice,” my brother drawled, jerking his chin to what looked like a stripper in an elf costume meandering around by the check-in desk.

The woman was practically poured into the tight clothes—knee-high red boots, green miniskirt with white trim, and a red lace-up crop-top vest that pushed her huge tits up almost to her chin.

“Duty calls, boys,” Jake said, pulling off his helmet and skating over to the desk area.

“If you hurry, you can beat Jake to it,” Anderson whispered to me. “You know, blow off some steam? You seem like you need it.”

I ground my teeth.

“I’m fine.”

A dog let out a wheezing bark.

The hell?

“Hi! Do you work here?” a familiar voice asked.

Fuck. It was Gracie.

I sprinted across the ice and jumped off quickly, grabbing my skate guards.

Jake was flirting heavily with her when I rushed over, eyes locked on hers as he took a slow bite of a Christmas dessert bar that smelled like cranberries.

“Don’t feed him sugar.”

I knocked the treat out of his hands. Pugnog jumped on the treat, scarfing it down noisily and drooling all over the floor.

“Gracie brought these for the rink manager, who is out, as I explained to her,” Jake said. “And I offered to take these desserts off her hands.”

“I was just coming by as a preventative measure,” she explained in a rush. “My family’s annual Christmas hockey game is in a few days, and things get crazy.”

“Crazy like blood all over the ice, or crazy like people in sexy elf costumes getting drunk and flashing unsuspecting bystanders?” Jake waggled his eyebrows.

I saw red.

“I swear to fucking god, Jake,” I screamed at him, shoving him into the nearby desk hard. His breath came out in a loud whoosh.

I let him drop to the floor.

“When you stop wheezing, you can apologize for that comment,” I told him.

Pugnog wandered over to sniff Jake and lick his face.

I turned back to Gracie.

She was apprehensive and clutched the box of desserts to her chest.

“I’m not offended. This isn’t a sexy elf outfit,” she babbled. “I’m out passing out holiday cheer.” She held up the box. “You know, visiting the local nursing homes, hospices, things like that. People like an elf outfit. It’s fun.”

I cracked my knuckles.

“Don’t worry about Jake. He’s just my little brother. Honestly? If you’d just decked your sister last Christmas, you’d be a lot happier.”

“Baking is a much healthier way to work out your anger issues.”

“Most people say sex is the best way,” Jake wheezed from the floor.

“That doesn’t sound like an apology,” I growled.

My little brother hauled himself up.

“My apologies, Gracie. Hudson told me all about your shitty ex. If you need to have a threesome on your sister’s wedding dress, I’m happy to fall on that sword.”

“That’s thoughtful of you … Wait …” Gracie frowned.

I resisted the urge to run my thumb over her eyebrows. Instead, I grabbed my little brother and shook him.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I hissed.

“I’m giving us another path to success,” he whispered back. “Bring it in, man.” He raised his voice. “I love you, brother.”

He slapped me on the back.

“I’m telling fart jokes at your funeral after Grayson kills you,” he whispered. “See, Gracie, no hard feelings. We’re family. We love each other.”

“Did you say you had food?” The rest of my brothers were wandering over.

“Wow!” Gracie’s eyes lit up. “There are more of you.”

“This is not a family affair,” I told my brothers.

“I don’t know. Jake’s offering some sort of life-changing incest situation on my sister’s wedding dress, sooo …”

Anderson doubled over laughing. Lawrence chuckled and slapped her on the shoulder.

Gracie grinned.

I scowled.

“Do you play?” Anderson asked her, holding up his hockey stick.

She shook her head. “I’m not that coordinated. Did some figure skating, but I was never very good.”

“You certainly have the outfit for it,” Lawrence said then yelped when I turned on him.

“They definitely need more revealing uniforms for hockey players.” She winked at Talbot, whose eyes widened.

“You mean you don’t like the oversized pajamas accessorized by chipped teeth?” Anderson drawled.

“My sister seemed to, except that Kelly actually played hockey. Mainly so she could sleep with the players.” Gracie made a face.

“No judgment,” Jake said with a laugh. “Everyone loves a puck bunny.”

“Especially one with desserts,” Lawrence added reaching for the box.

“Er, that’s not quite what I …”

“All of you leave,” I barked at my brothers.

“He’s mad we’re flirting with you,” Lawrence stage-whispered.

“I’m not. Any of you touch her, you’re dead,” I said flatly. “Not just dead to me but dead, buried in the yard dead.”

“Look at Mr. Moneybags here with his own yard,” Gracie quipped.

My brothers howled in laughter.

“She’s amazing.” Lawrence wiped away a tear.

“You’re not,” I shot at him.

“Be nice to your brothers. Your mom must be proud to have such big, strong handsome sons. I’m baking cookies this afternoon, Hudson. If you come, you can make some to take to her.”

“Unless it comes in a bottle and you need an ID to buy it, our mom won’t touch it,” I said before I could stop myself.

Those big brown eyes went soft. “I’m so sorry to hear that. I didn’t mean …”

I didn’t need her pity.

“Are you going to the office later?”

“The office?” she said in confusion. “Why would I go there?”

Fuck. Why are you so clumsy?

“You said you were passing out holiday cheer.” I gestured to the box.

She opened it and offered treats to my brothers.

“There’s no one working there right now. Well”—she rolled her eyes—“there’s never anyone working there ever.”

“Sounds like Dad’s office,” Talbot said around his cranberry chocolate bar. “Our dad was a serial entrepreneur, liked the trappings of business but not the actual work.”

“Sounds familiar,” she said acerbically. “Did he also have his kids working for free?”

Where was this Gracie normally, I wondered, the one who wore a skimpy elf outfit and made dirty jokes and complained about her family? Why couldn’t she stand up for herself around them?

She was like a different person. I really liked this Gracie.

You sure you don’t just want to slowly undo the lacing on the bodice and see her tits fall down?

“He had you working as a child?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Bookkeeping, scheduling, admin work, accounting.”

“Our dad was never that organized. He didn’t get much further than the fundraising-slash-scamming-people stage,” Jake told her.

Gracie grimaced. “Mine did a little of that too.”

Now this this I could use. This was gold. Give me three days, and it would be mission accomplished. That data was somewhere in the EnerCheck office. It had to be.

“Sounds stressful,” I said, hoping I sounded sympathetic.

“I think that’s how a lot of early startups are run. Things aren’t as aboveboard as they should be, but you find your groove.” She adjusted her top. “I’ll let you boys finish your hockey game. I have a thousand cookies to make.”

“You know what, Sugarplum?” I said, reaching down to unlace my skates, feeling happier than I’d had in months, “I think I will take you up on that cookie offer.”

Jake wolf whistled.

“Cookie baking is serious business,” she told him authoritatively. “It’s not fun and games. I have an assembly line. Grown men cry during a Christmas cookie marathon.”

“Damn.”

“You up for a cookie marathon, Hudson?” Anderson drawled.

“Was that a double entendre? I think your brothers are making dirty jokes,” she teased me as I grabbed her arm to haul her away.

“We’re leaving now.”

“An after-game snack,” Grace said, handing Jake the box. “Share these. Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas,” Jake said in that voice that would have every woman in a bar in a three-mile radius crawling to get him.

Gracie was not immune, I noticed, feeling the scowl settle on my face.

“I’ll meet you over there,” I told her.

“My sister needed the car and so she dropped me off at the assisted living center,” she admitted as she followed me, taking mincing steps in the high-heeled boots, her tits bouncing. “Do you think you could give me a ride to my parents’?”

I opened the car door for her. She struggled to get up in the tight clothes while I waited.

“I’m trying not to flash you,” she finally admitted.

The thought of seeing her panties under that miniskirt was too much.

I picked her up by the waist and sat her on the seat, kicking myself for reinforcing the no-touching-without-an-audience rule because I really wanted to kiss her, undress her, then fuck in that truck.