Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

It was time to prep for my interview with Dr. Rupta. To help, Tanner had brought in his wife Betsy Bolt, a former news anchor turned media consultant. The three of us met at the St. Louis office of Betsy’s consulting firm.

“Okay Nick, here’s how this’ll work,” said Betsy. “We’re gonna do a mock interview. I’ll be Dr. Rupta, and I’ll ask you questions like the ones he’ll ask, and you answer them like it’s the real interview. And then we can help coach you on how to improve your answers. Ok?”

“Why can’t I be Dr. Rupta? That’s way more fun.”

Betsy rolled her eyes. “If we have time after, you can be Dr. Rupta.”

“What-ever,” I said.

“Let’s begin,” said Betsy, and then switched to her Dr. Rupta voice. “Nick, first question: can you walk our audience through the day Amy went missing?”

 “Sure,” I said. “Well first off, I got woken up at 6 a.m. by the fucking stupid cat…shit, I’m sorry, we’re on TV, I can’t say that. Let’s start again.”

Splat! My face suddenly felt wet. Because Betsy had spit on me.

“What the hell?” I said.

“Every time you mess up, I’m going to spit in your face,” Betsy said. “Now the mistake you just made is: don’t censor yourself in the interview. If you think ‘fucking stupid cat,’ then say ‘fucking stupid cat.’ We want the audience to see what an asshole you really are.”

“But do you really need to spit?” I asked.

“It works,” Tanner said. “It’s how she taught me to leave the toilet seat down.”

“Next question,” Betsy said, again assuming her Dr. Gupta voice. “Nick, what do you really think about your wife?”

I considered this for a moment. How should I answer this on TV? I finally answered by saying, “I love her.”

Splat!

“Okay okay. She can be mean sometimes, but she’s not so bad.”

Splat!

“She’s a pretty lousy person.”

Splat!

“All right, fine! She’s a complete and utter bitch and I try to cheat on her every chance I get!”

Betsy and Tanner smiled.

“Told you it works,” Tanner said.