Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

“Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Haven’t seen it. Seen it. Seen it…”

Tanner and I were at the woodshed, which I’d just shown Tanner for the first time, and he was going through my porn.

“Seen it, seen it, seen it on VHS…Nick, you do realize the cops are gonna find this place eventually? And that when they do, they’ll go after Go?”

“Great! We can blame it all on her! We’re in the clear!”

“Not exactly,” Tanner said. “There’s still a lot of other stuff we’ve gotta deal with if we’re gonna get you off. For example, your alibi for the morning Amy disappeared. Where were you, Nick? I really need to know.”

I chewed on my cheek.

“Nick, I’m your lawyer. You gotta tell me.”

“It’s not relevant,” I said.

“Nick!”

“Okay, okay: that morning I was making plans to kill Amy.”

“What?”

“The night before, I’d been really depressed about how Amy had been treating me, so I’d stayed late at the cafe after work and did a bunch of shots of espresso. I probably had at least 20, and didn’t sleep at all, so by the morning I was basically a crazy person. I got this insane idea in my head that I needed to kill Amy before she completely destroyed me. So I went home and spent a few hours researching on the internet how to murder someone.”

“Let me get this straight,” Tanner said. “There’s now a computer trail—which the cops could find—of your internet searches on the morning of the murder about how to kill someone.”

“Well to be more specific, the searches were about how to kill one’s wife.”

“Wonderful.”

“Oh one other little thing I forgot,” I said. “I also wrote a note explaining why I was going to kill Amy that day.”

“Please tell me you burned it.”

“I can’t really burn it because it’s on Google Docs.”

Tanner exhaled loudly. “We still might be okay here,” he said. “Are there any witnesses who can attest to the amount of espresso you had that night?”

“Just cats.”

He stood there thinking for a moment. “We might not be okay here.”