Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

Item 12 on my Murder-Framing To Do List had been to buy a bunch of leisure activity-related stuff on Nick’s credit card, so everyone would think he’d been preparing for the good life after he killed me. You know, fishing gear, a jet ski, the works. What I didn’t realize is that due to the amount of porn Nick had bought, he only had $175 left on all of his credit lines combined. So I had to settle for buying a single set of used golf clubs. And not even a whole set — I could only afford the irons.

But some parts of the plan had gone even better than expected. I’d planned on renting some cheap little cabin in the Ozarks where no one would bother me and I could hide out for a while, but on the way there I’d noticed a 24 Hour FitClub. It was one of the ones that’s really open 24 hours, not one of the bullshit ones that closes at 9 and should be called 16 Hour FitClub. I realized that the price of a monthly membership there was way less than it would be to rent a cabin, and plus I’d have cable TV, wireless, a jacuzzi, a steam room, unlimited clean towels, and a gym membership to boot!

You might think that finding a place to sleep at 24 Hour FitClub would be an issue, but it’s really not that hard. Just go into a shower stall and close the curtain, turn on the water and leave it running, and boom, you’ve got your eight hours of privacy.

After a couple of days of living large at 24 Hour FitClub, I start wondering why more people don’t do this. I mean geezus, your rent can be 45 bucks a month! But as I begin to see the same faces at the gym more and more, I realize I’m not the first person to have had this idea. Next time you’re in a 24 Hour FitClub at midnight, look around. Nine out of every ten people you see are living there.

Oh and by the way, if you’re a member of 24 Hour FitClub and not living there, a word of advice: please don’t sing in the shower. Some of us are trying to sleep.