Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

Happy anniversary to me! It’s been one full month as a Missouri resident, and to mark the occasion Nick’s mom is hosting a housewarming party at our house. Even though we don’t know many people in town, there are a lot of guests, because Nick’s mom knows everyone from her days working in the mall at Landlinez. As I’m sure you recall, Landlinez was THE place for corded phones, and all the women in town went there because the phones on display had free long distance. (They never advertised this fact but I suspect it was intentional.) Like Nick, however, Nick’s mom lost her job when her industry died. Landlinez did briefly try to save itself by merging with Blackberry Barn, but I think we all know how that went.

Once the housewarming party gets going and I start interacting with the guests, I’m quickly reminded why I never wanted to move to Missouri in the first place. These people have never seen civilization.

“Honey, look, she’s got email on her phone!”

“What the—is that an ice cream sandwich made with cookies???”

“Holy crap, that phone’s got a camera on it!”

“Honey, they get their TV through the wall!”

“Well, I’ll be! There’s soda with no sugar in it!”

Aside from increasing my hatred of humanity, the party initially goes well. Too well, in fact. So I start complaining to Nick about something stupid—I don’t even remember what—and then storm out of the house. Nick loses either way. If he comes after me he’s a doormat. And if he doesn’t, I get to give him crap about being inconsiderate.

I’m really good at this whole wife thing.