Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

That’s it, it’s settled: we’re moving back to Nick’s hometown of Carthage, Missouri.

Why? Well for one, it’s crazy cheap. And second, Nick’s mom and sister are there. Nick says he and his sister are going to start a business together, but he won’t tell me what it is. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why he’s being so secretive about it. It’s not like they’re gonna open a cat cafe or something.

I had a bit of a panic attack today thinking about how I was gonna spin this move to my friends to avoid total loss of status. I thought of telling them we were moving to Paris. But I finally decided that I just wouldn’t tell them we were moving at all.

We spent all afternoon and evening packing stuff into the U-Haul, which sounds like a pain, but I actually enjoy moving. There’s something therapeutic in packing up all your stuff and getting rid of what you don’t really need. But I didn’t tell Nick that I enjoyed it. Instead, I complained about it all day, just because I could.

It had been a while since I’d asserted my wife power and gotten the heroin-like high that comes with it, so I suddenly insisted on taking our terrible old sofa with us. Nick argued with me about it for half an hour, which just made my ultimate victory that much more satisfying. Watching him struggle as he tried to lug a giant sofa by himself down two flights of stairs was the highlight of my day.