Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

It’s the evening of our third wedding anniversary. And I’m spending it alone.

Nick called a little while ago and said he’s really sorry but a bunch of his co-workers got laid off today, and he needs to go out with them for some drinks. But I know this means he’s actually fucking another girl. See, when a married guy gives you any reason for not being able to make it somewhere, women know the real reason is he’s fucking another girl. Working late? Fucking another girl. Car got a flat? Fucking another girl. Fell on some ice and broke his arm? Fucking another girl. Yes, even personal injuries. If your husband says he can’t make it somewhere because he injured himself, he’s either faking the injury or intentionally injured himself after fucking another girl to give himself an excuse.

I never understand why guys don’t realize women know this, and just come right out and say, “I can’t make it, because I’ve got to go fuck another girl.” It would make everybody’s life a lot easier.

I know what a lot of you are thinking. “Amy, if he’s gonna cheat on you like this, why not get divorced?” If you’re thinking this, I know you’re a guy or a non-hot girl. Because you’re failing to take into account why hot girls get married in the first place: status. And you’re also failing to see that Nick’s cheating actually isn’t hurting my status, but rather will eventually help my status. You see, a guy cheating on you means he’s a cooler, higher-level dude. So if you can eventually domesticate him and stop him from cheating, you get huge hot girl cred for that. Do you think all my friends with their dancing monkey husbands get credit for their husbands fawning all over them? No way. But when Nick is once again fawning all over me, none of my hot girl friends will be able to deny I am better than them.

So I sit here content on my anniversary, even though I am by myself cooking lobsters no one will eat. I actually bought the lobsters after Nick told me he wouldn’t make it home tonight, because it makes for a much better story for my friends. “Sitting home alone” isn’t nearly as dramatic as “sitting home alone cooking lobsters no one will eat.”

Later, long after I go to bed, Nick slinks in. In the morning, I wake up before him and go to get a glass of water, and I notice a rolled up piece of paper in the wastebasket. I unroll it to reveal a girl’s number.

I am overjoyed.

Every time a girl gives Nick her number, this makes him an even higher-level dude. And every time he throws away such a number, because he has other better options, that makes him an even higher-level dude. So every time I find a girl’s number in the wastebasket, it’s like finding a little piece of buried treasure.