Flock (The Ravenhood)

Back on dry land, we all pack up wordlessly as I try and grapple with what just happened.

I chose it. I wanted it. I can’t afford to regret it too deeply because if I do, I’ll be opening myself up to loathing, my own, for eternity.

Once both cars are packed, Dominic grips my hand pulling me to where he stands, his car idling. He looks down at me for a few tentative seconds before he kisses me, the result—rapture. I clutch him to me, and he takes his time, filling my mouth with his tongue, just as hungry as our first kiss, seeking, searching. It’s beautiful, this man’s kiss. It’s consuming and I can’t get enough. When he pulls away, he brushes my lips with rare affection, gets in his car, and drives away.

I peek over my shoulder to where Sean stands, eyes lowered, afraid to meet his gaze. I walk over to where he waits at his passenger door. Unable to handle it a second longer, I brave a glance at him and see…nothing but the same golden boy who picked me up hours before. My heart lifts instantly. I didn’t realize it had been so heavy. He stops me before I duck into the seat and leans over and presses the gentlest kiss to my mouth. When he pulls away, I feel the sting of tears.

“Don’t, baby. Just don’t. We’ll talk about it when you’re ready, but don’t do it.”

I nod in understanding, not having any clue how to follow that order. I feel a bit like an alien in my skin. That girl, what she did, I don’t even recognize her. I just let two men share me.

And I loved every minute of it.

The weight of that truth, I can never, ever erase.

And the part of me now awake and breathing within me doesn’t want to.

The drive home is silent, but Sean clutches my hand the whole way. I’m still battling myself and my decision, all the while glowing in the aftermath. He left the music on just low enough to hear me speak but remained silent, giving me the time I need while occasionally bringing the back of my hand to his lips.

Reeling, my body is tense, even though my core is sore and thoroughly sated, I can’t think of a single thing to say. And maybe there is nothing to say. His posture remains relaxed as he drives like he needs no assurances in my place with him, and I’m not sure I know what it is.

What are we?

That’s what I’m supposed to be analyzing, isn’t it? But it’s not my focus. Neither of them looked at me differently, at least not in the way I was predicting. The change I felt between us all after today is a far cry from the quenched curiosity I was expecting to feel. Their kisses after weren’t any different. If anything, I feel more connected to them both.

Could this be real?

I’ve had sex, plenty of sex in high school, in monogamous relationships with boyfriends I swore loved me, cared for me, but later showed their true colors. All of the pain I assumed I felt when they’d ultimately rejected a future with me felt empty, meaningless, pale in comparison to any experience I’d had with them to the one I had today and to the possibilities of what’s next.

I study Sean as he punches in the gate code and the car slowly makes its way down the driveway.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he finally speaks up. He meets my stare. It’s full of the same surety Dominic kissed me with before he left.

They truly aren’t judging me, something about that eases a bit of the tension in my shoulders.

But why? Why aren’t they judging me? Why don’t they see me differently?

I remain mute as he parks and slides me over to him on the bench seat.

“Tell me anything.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Own it, fucking own it,” he says adamantly. “Own it and don’t let you or anyone else make you feel like it was wrong.” He presses a finger to my temple. “It’s going to take some time for you to make peace with it, but fucking own it, Cecelia.”

“It was…” I try to mask the shake in my voice.

“Incredible,” he answers for me. All I can do is nod. He chuckles at my expression. “I’m a bastard for saying it, but I see your mind is blown.”

He chuckles further at my scowl and pulls me into his lap. His hazel eyes twinkle with humor as he brushes the hair away from my neck. “If you’re wondering what happens now, the answer is we don’t know. Dom, me, or you. We don’t know what this will or won’t be. And that’s the fun part.”

“What if someone gets hurt?”

“Chance we have to take.”

“Why do I have a feeling that someone will be me?”

“I don’t want to… The way I feel about you, hurting you is the last thing I want. But if you’re debating on a choice, on choosing, I’m telling you right now you don’t have to. Unless you want to, and in that case, I hope it’s me.”

I blow out an exasperated breath, which only makes his smile grow.

“There’s a beauty to keeping a secret, Cecelia. But it can only remain one if you choose to guard it. Years from now, when you’re toasting with your friends during Sunday brunch, before the bitching commences, this secret can be the subtle smile that tilts those beautiful lips before you take your first sip of champagne. Everyone has them, but not many can keep them.”

He brushes my hair behind my shoulder before trailing his knuckles along my jaw. “It was beautiful watching you come undone, giving in to what you wanted. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Dom so wrapped up in any woman.”

“Don’t…don’t say that.”

“Why?”

“Because if he feels anything…I want him to tell me himself.”

Sean nods, as if in perfect understanding.

“This is really okay with you?”

“You’re in my lap, looking at me like you want me, why the hell wouldn’t I be okay with that?”

“I don’t want to lose you,” I manage, my breath hitching, eyes watering.

“Cecelia, I swear to you, you will never lose me over this. Put that thought out of your mind. What happened doesn’t make my feelings for you any less real. I’m so fucking crazy about you.” A soft kiss, then another. “You gave me your trust today, and I need it.” He swallows. “There’s very little you could do at this point to get rid of me.”

“You are so…” I run my hands through his hair, “different.”

“That’s a good thing, right?” He nudges me on his lap and traces his lip ring with his tongue. “Whatever it is you want to do, do it right now.”

I lean down and mimic the movement of his tongue along the metal, and he exhales audibly and grips my neck, bringing our foreheads together.

“If you’re ever wondering what to do, that’s what you do. Whatever you fucking want, whenever you want, and you don’t apologize for it, not ever.”

“This is insane.”

“Welcome to my world,” he murmurs, before sealing me inside it with his kiss.

It’s been days of nothing but texts from Sean and not a word from Dominic, not that I expected any different. He’s practically a stranger.

However, now, an intimate one.

I cringe at the thought as I mentally crack a whip on my back.

I’ve been in a state of “what in the hell did I do?” and “please, my lords, may I have seconds?” for days and hiding in my house for the majority of it. I’ve been passing on Sean’s invitations, reading, swimming, talking on the phone with Christy—who I did not disclose the details of that day to. It’s my Sunday Brunch smile secret to keep—if I want to.

The more I question if I should tell her what happened, the more I try to think of words to explain it, how it felt…right, how letting myself go felt better than anything I’d ever come close to in the past. The longer I think about it, the more I know she wouldn’t understand.

‘Behind closed doors,’ ‘in the privacy of my home,’ there’s a reason people keep a lid on their sexual escapades, and I’ve never had one worthy of keeping despite our act being out in the open, until now. Scraping myself out of bed, I stare out the window into the dark forest beyond and the flickering lights of the cell tower wondering where the two men who have consumed my thoughts are. Have they thought about me?

Did they fist bump when they met back up?

Shuddering at the thought, I close the balcony doors and press my forehead against them. “Christmas came early, Cecelia, and guess what? You’re a ho,” I bang my head against the door with each word. “Ho,” bang, “Ho,” bang. Face burning, I send out another mental lash of the whip. My back should be nothing but lacerated and bleeding flesh with the number of imaginary whippings I’ve given myself. Still, the only thing reddening is my face as I blush and again relive every second on the float. My dreams of them the past few nights are vivid and downright sinful in nature. They’ve invaded me in both my waking and sleeping hours and I haven’t lived a single moment past those minutes I shared with them on the lake.

Sean’s texts are vague, they always are, but he sends them often. He’s been helping his parents at the restaurant this week, and because of my slut-shaming, I again missed the opportunity to meet them.

What in the hell am I going to say?

‘Hi, I’m Cecelia. So nice to finally meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Roberts. Why, yes, I am the tramp ass ho having wild, animalistic sex with your son amongst the trees. Why, just the other day we tossed his best friend in the mix, it was quite delightful. And your green bean casserole is delish.’

With every text, I can tell Sean’s making an effort to let me know he’s not going anywhere. He doesn’t want my head to get the best of me.

And I love him for that.

But what of love?

Thinking of this situation long term would be beyond foolish. But Sean hinted heavily, more than once, if I wanted to commit to him, he wouldn’t be opposed to it.

Maybe it was a one-time thing.

The idea of belonging solely to Sean appeals to me greatly. He’s more than enough. But did that act set me up to be greedy for more? I’ve bitten into the forbidden fruit, and with that knowledge comes the unrelenting urge to sink my teeth in again.

Sean knew it was a possibility, and he’d alluded to as much.

Do I really want to let the static chemistry with Dominic go if I don’t have to?

And being with the two of them and watching their reactions, I’ve never been so turned on in my life.

But how many more lashings can I handle? It’s only been days, and I’ve all but burned myself at the stake.

I’m not that girl.

I’m not that girl.

I’m now that girl.

The one constant that eats at me is if this is something they do on the regular, can I condemn the women before me?

Hell no, and I hate that. But I want to. So much. Jealousy burns me at the knowledge I’m not the first. Yet in a way, it makes me feel less alone because I share a secret with them.

But what’s become of them?

Am I different?

Damn them both.

They have to know what a head trip this is. I doubt Dominic cares, but Sean knows, and he’s waiting on my verdict.

It’s another decision.

Restless, I turn on the shower and try to drown my anxious thoughts out with the spray of water.

The morals we’re taught early on are meant to guide us, and without them, we’re directionless. But Sean doesn’t follow the norm or the guidelines that most of society adheres to. He’s an independent thinker who navigates his life by his gut, living decision by decision.

He lives unapologetically in the grey. So does Dominic. But what can that mean long term?

What of soulmates? Love of your life? One and only? These sayings exist for a reason as well. One.

One man, one woman, or one partner for everyone.

Not two. There’s ‘The One.’ Not ‘The Two.’

But for some. For some…

Welcome to my world.

There’s also ‘college phase,’ ‘that year I was promiscuous,’ ‘before I met,’ these are also sayings I’ve read about, heard over the years.

Though my experience is limited in the telling of these stories, save the one I just earned, I know they exist. From what I’ve gathered, the college phase is always about promiscuity, freeing your inhibitions for an allotted time, and same-sex curiosity. Isn’t that one and the same of what I’ve just experienced? Aren’t I allowed time to explore my sexual prowess and expand it, if I so desire?

Soulmate and one true love haven’t been on my list of priorities since Jared hurt me.

One day. Sometime in the future. But does it have to be now?

No.

It doesn’t. I do care for Sean in a way that’s too far gone to pull back completely.

And though the arrival of my feelings for Dominic surprise me, along with our connection, he doesn’t have to be Mr. Right.

No doubt, he’s not. Dominic doesn’t seem to be a forever type of man.

Falling for Sean is becoming inevitable. I love the way he cares for me, the way he makes me feel—the comfort his presence allows me to fully be myself.

Own it.

I’ll drive myself crazy if I don’t.

I can’t even bring myself to regret it.

Out of a scalding shower, I study my reflection in the mirror and don’t back away from what I see. Skin tinted pink from the water; I let my eyes roam freely, searching for flaws, searching for a reason not to look.

All that I expect to feel, gazing at my reflection, I don’t.

This is owning it.

And it’s my decision.

At some point in time in a person’s life, they have the choice to search for their forever or let themselves off the leash.

One more glide of my eyes down my body lets me know what choice I’m making tonight.

Down the rabbit hole I go.

I slip into my second skin and rub scented lotion on it before pulling out dark washed jeans and an off the shoulder tee from my closet. I brush bronzer on and sweep thick black mascara over my lashes before lining and filling my lips a shimmering blood red.

Then I shoot off a text.

Maybe I’m not in college just yet, but it’s clear that my education has started early.