Flip (Next Level Book 2)

It’s so easy to forget responsibility and adulting when I’m with this guy. All the steam fizzles out of us both once I say, “I think we need to talk.” The words came out from fear and panic. Honestly, I’d spent the day enjoying myself with Trey’s generosity and even while my feet were being polished and my body wrapped in some kind of lavender I-don’t-even-know-what, I weighed all the pros and cons of continuing down Relationship Road with him.

This visit may be for my brother’s wedding, but it felt different from the start. I’m not talking about the second our eyes locked at the restaurant last night. I mean… from the start.

And dragging him into another fun sexcapade just now feels like a mistake.

I let the day of relaxation, and his ungodly wonderful energy, make me forget my circumstances. That’s my fault.

After cutting things short with Trey in the shower, I’d asked him to leave long enough for me to clean up and set my head straight again.

I want everyone to know we’re together now.

His words play on repeat in my mind. Together now? We aren’t together. That implies we’re more than fuck buddies.

Because we are.

This isn’t just sex. I’ve fallen for Trey. I don’t know when or how, but I have and now here I am, panicking in the women’s bathroom about it.

Wow. This rock bottom feels bizarre. I’ve hit lows before, but this time feels deeper.

Getting dressed, I don’t bother blow drying my hair. Swinging the bathroom door open, I see Trey leaning against the far wall, his arms crossed over his chest, his head cast down. He doesn’t move until I shut the door quietly behind me.

He looks like how I feel—worried.

I want everyone to know we’re together now.

He pushes away from the wall. “Ready?”

“Ummm. Yeah.” I tuck my hair behind my ear, my heart banging in my throat.

He opens the door, and we meander our way out to the lobby. I keep my head down, suddenly ashamed of what we did in the bathroom.

“I checked you out already,” he says in a low tone.

“I still have to leave a tip.”

“Also taken care of.”

Tears prick my eyes. He keeps thinking of everything and taking care of it.

I hate it. I love it.

Oh my god, I need to get a fucking grip. Every time I have fun with Trey, it’s followed by this unexplainable low that I’m never good at handling. As if he senses I’m floundering, Trey squeezes my hand and I realize how small my palm seems in his.

We stroll past the reception desk and Trey waves at them. “Have a lovely night, ladies.” Then he kisses my temple before opening the door for me. The flicker of shame threatening to send me into a spiral dissipates and I’m not sure how that’s even possible.

“Come on, sexy mama.” He leads me towards the parking lot. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Wait, I have to let Ara know I’m leaving with you.”

“She already knows,” Trey says, pulling his key fob out and hitting the unlock button. When he opens the door for me, my stomach flips again.

I want everyone to know we’re together now.

I instantly look back at the doors to the spa and bite my lip.

I’ve spent so much of today imagining a life with Trey—something more than secretly fucking around in a public space. Something where everyone knows that we belong to each other. My heart rate keeps kicking up to stroke levels whenever I think of having something serious with him.

With anyone, really.

I’ve built walls around myself for so long, I have no clue how to let someone in anymore.

Do I even have time for a relationship, especially considering Trey lives two hours away? Holy shit. It’ll never work.

“I think we should keep things like they are now.” The words tumble out of my mouth and taste sour.

Trey doesn’t respond. Instead, he starts his engine and takes off. I quickly realize we’re going in the opposite direction of my house.

“Did you hear me?”

“I always hear you, Erin.” His grip tightens on the wheel, and he pulls onto the highway. “Even when you aren’t saying things.”

I cross my arms over my chest. I’ve messed this up again, haven’t I? Of course, I did. It’s what I do.

Something potentially great comes along and I have to smash it before it hurts me.

I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I don’t know how to let go or give in or work with someone else. I only know how to take care of everything by myself.

We drive in silence for the longest time, and I busy myself by checking messages, texts, and emails on my phone. Beetle usually calls me around nine o’clock to say goodnight and give me a rundown on how his day at camp went. It’s eight fifty-five. As if I conjured my son by merely thinking of him too hard, the phone rings and I’m so relieved to see his face pop up on my screen. “Hey!”

“Hi, Mom.”

“How was today?”

“Good.”

“Yay!” My tone is light and bubbly, like I always make it. “Did you get paired with the counselor you like again?”

“Yup. He showed me how to hold snakes and tell if their venomous or not. And we fed a python a rat.”

Gross. “Awesome!”

“It was so cool. But kind of sad too because rats are fun. Hey, Mom?”

Oh here we go.

“Can I get a rat?”

“Uhhh.”

“What about a snake?”

“Ummm.”

“Ball Pythons are pretty small. They only get up to like four feet.”

“Only?”

“Yeah! And they weigh like five pounds, if that. You can carry it on your shoulders while you garden.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes. I love my kid, but no. “How about you start showing me how responsible you can be with your room and chores before we talk about a pet rat or snake or anything else that requires attention?”

“Ugh. I knew you were gonna say that.”

I know he’s tired of me sounding like a broken record and part of me feels bad that I’m always saying no. Honestly, I’d love to give Brendan anything he wants. But the idea of being responsible for one more living creature isn’t something I want right now. And no matter how much he wants a pet, I’ll be the one taking care of the damn thing.

“So what did you do today?”

I glance over at Trey before saying, “I actually spent the day at a spa with Aunt Ara.”

“Ohhhh.”

I chuckle. “Do you even know what a spa is?”

“Not really.”

Gotta love this boy. If it doesn’t come with fishing line, a remote control, or four wheels and a deck, he’s clueless. “It’s where you go to get mud masks and your nails done and stuff.” Of course, he wouldn’t have a clue about places like that. It’s not in our budget.

“Why don’t you just paint your nails at home like always?”

“Because it’s nice to let someone else do it for a change.”

Brendan snorts in my ear. “Mom, I love you, but you don’t let anyone else do anything for you, ever.”

My heart squeezes. “Gee. Thanks.”

“I mean, don’t be mad at me for it. I’m just saying, you always do everything. I’m really glad you treated yourself. You had a self-care day.”

“A self-care day? Who are you and what have you done with my son?”

Beetles laughs at me. “I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed tomorrow. Can we have grilled cheese for dinner?”

“Absolutely. Soup too?”

“No. Just ketchup.”

Gross. “Okay. I love you, bud.”

“Love you too. Bye.” He hangs up and I’m dropped back into this surreal space between reality and fantasy, because Trey is definitely a fantasy.

He takes an exit off the highway. “He wants a snake?”

“A ball python. Or a rat.” I rub my temples and lean back in my seat.

“Nice. My youngest brother had a ball python once. It escaped its cage, and we couldn’t find it for a week.”

“Annnd now I’m never getting a snake. Thank you for helping make that decision so easy.”

Trey laughs and takes another turn.

Mom, I love you, but you don’t let anyone else do anything for you, ever.

Wow. I was just called out by my own kid. I glance over at Trey again and a calmness tries to settle over me. I fight the urge to shake it off. “He…” I bite my tongue. Why should I share a private conversation with Trey? Wait, why do I want to?

“He what?” Trey flicks his gaze at me before turning left.

“He said I never let anyone else do anything for me.”

Silence envelopes the car.

“He said it like it’s a flaw of mine.” I sit straighter, feeling myself gear up in defense mode. “I mean, I know he didn’t mean it as an insult, but it feels like one.”

“The truth sometimes hurts, Erin.”

Okay. What the hell? “Excuse me?”

Trey pulls into a parking spot outside his hotel and turns to look at me once he cuts the engine. “Beetle’s right. You don’t let people help you. It’s not a flaw. It’s survival.”

I’m fucking speechless.

And I’m pissed.

“Take me home.”

“Hear me out.”

“No. Take me home.”

“You wanted to talk, so we’re going to have that chat now. Afterwards, if you still want me to take you home, I will. But we’re going to talk and we’re starting with what you’ve just brought to me. Brendan didn’t say that as an insult, which you just admitted you understood. There’s no need to get defensive about this.”

“I’m not in survival. I’m just…” Lost, scared, stuck. “I’m just busy.”

“I know.”

“It’s not easy being a single mom.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t!”

Trey straightens in his seat and stares at the dashboard. “Look, Erin, I know what you’ve been through. I watched you struggle. I watched your brother struggle with you.”

I want out of this fucking car. There’s no air in here. Scraping at the door, I finally find the latch and yank it, then stumble out. The air is hot and muggy in the parking garage. It’s stifling everywhere!

I’m starting to sweat. I can’t be here. I can’t do this. I’m not good at confronting things like my feelings. It’s why I choose to not have any. I’ll be happy, sad, or mad for anyone else but myself.

Giving into my feelings hasn’t been an option for me since I had to raise Glitch by myself and prove how responsible and mature I was, so the state would never take him from me.

We didn’t have any other family. And the distant members have stayed that way—distant. Emotions have no place in my life. Just logic.

So why can’t I be logical, damnit?

“Erin.” Trey jogs to catch up to me. “Please, stop.”

I can’t breathe. I can’t think. “I’m not in survival mode.”

“Okay.”

“I can handle everything that comes my way, Trey.”

“I know. I’ve seen it.”

“I can raise my kid by myself.”

“You have. And you’ve done an incredible job.”

My world tilts on its axis. I can’t breathe! “No, I haven’t.”

“Of course, you have! He’s amazing. Beetle’s the coolest kid on earth. Smart, funny, easygoing, respectful.”

I shake my head. “No. That’s not what I mean.” I know all of Beetle’s attributes and love each one. But… “I haven’t raised him by myself, Trey. I did it with Glitch.”

And that’s how my boy’s become the great kid he is. I haven’t done it alone.

But I will soon.

I don’t think I realized how very important Glitch’s presence is, in not only my life, but Beetle’s as well, until lately. Tears sting the backs of my eyes again. I pull at the collar of my shirt, desperate for air. “He’s going to start a new life… with his wife. They’re going to have kids.”

I know they’ve been trying. Glitch has talked about having his own kids since forever. I can’t wait to be an aunt, but where does that put me? Us? Beetle?

I know it’s selfish to think like this. But my brother has been all I’ve had for so long, I can’t imagine the dynamic changing. It’s been a decade of just us and Beetle. All the grieving over our parents, the fights over dumb shit, the guilt and the resentment–all this time spent doing grown-up things.

I stop dead in my tracks. The world’s spinning too fast around me and I cannot get a fucking grip. My heart’s going a mile a minute. My cheeks tingle. My chest hurts. I can’t feel my legs.

“Hey, whoa.” Trey catches me before I realize I’m falling. The garage loses gravity and I’m suddenly in Trey’s arms. “Breathe, Erin.”

I don’t understand what’s happening. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Trey presses our chests together and I all but fold into him like a crumpled flower when he whispers, “I’ve got you.”

I try to follow his lead and remember the steps you’re supposed to take when having a panic attack. It feels like it takes forever for me to get in a full breath. It takes twice as long for the blood to stop swishing in my ears. My chest feels like I have razor blades in it. My finger joints ache, and it takes a moment to realize why. I’m gripping Trey’s t-shirt so tightly I’ve stretched it out. “I’m so sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for.”

“I ruined your shirt.”

“You didn’t ruin anything, and I don’t care about my shirt.”

“I’m… I just fell apart over nothing.”

“It’s not nothing, Erin.” He pulls back a little and looks down at me. His eyes are soft and lovely. When he sweeps the hair from my face, I feel like he’s soothing my soul. That shouldn’t be possible. “Can you walk?”

Nodding, I take a step away and lose my balance. Trey catches me before I make a fool out of myself by falling on my ass. “I’m good, just give me a second.”

“Let me carry you.”

“No.” I grab his arm and I’m not sure if I’m pushing him away or using him to remain upright. “I’m just a little dizzy. It’s getting better. I can walk.”

Really, I want to run far and fast. I’m so embarrassed about my behavior. This is confusing and ridiculous. I can’t believe I just cracked wide open in a stupid hotel garage in front of my fuck buddy. I take a few steps again and Trey keeps close with his hand on the small of my back. We enter the lobby and head right for the elevators. I let him take the lead only because I have no clue what floor he’s on.

In silence, we rise to the tenth floor, then he escorts me to room 1007. My mouth is dry as he swipes his room card and opens the door for us. The lights turn on and I head straight to the little sitting area. “This is a nice room.”

“Got the suite thinking…” He drops his keys and room card on the table. “Well, I just wanted something nice.”

Because he thought we’d spend time here together.

“So…” He sits down on the coffee table across from me, resting his elbows on his knees. “Where should we start?”

I’m suddenly too tired to have this talk. “Maybe I should just go.”

“No.” Trey’s tone changes. “If you need a minute to gather your thoughts, that’s fine. Shit. Take all night, I have nowhere to be except with you. But we’re having this talk before you walk out my door.”

He’s right. Prolonging it will only make things worse. “I don’t think we should be more than we are.”

“What are we?”

“Fuck buddies?”

The disappointment in his eyes makes me wish I could take it back.

After gawking at me for a few heartbeats, Trey swipes his mouth with a big hand, and I look at his shiny watch. Then I look around at the hotel room again. Trey likes nice things. Bet his apartment is swanky. His car sure is. And his clothes. He’s always so put together. Hell, even when he’s dressed in gym shorts and a t-shirt, he’s still crisp and high end.

I’m wearing an outfit I bought at a thrift store ages ago, and though I love it, it’s getting to the point where there are holes peppering the bottom by the hem. My wardrobe could stand a refresh, but I can’t find it in me to splurge on anything new for myself. Whatever money I make goes into the bank for emergencies.

Like being unemployed for the foreseeable future.

Before that, it was video games, sports, and camps.

Before that, it was making sure Beetle had diapers and clothes and toys.

Before that, it was surviving on boxed mac and cheese and hot dogs every night with my brother until he graduated high school.

It’s not that I don’t have the money, it’s that I’ve been conditioned to never spend it. You never know when your world will turn upside down.

“Why does what Beetle said to you make you mad?”

I stare at Trey, feeling extremely exposed. “I’m not mad.”

It’s clear by the look in his eyes that doesn’t believe me. “You’re feeling something.”

“That’s the trouble. I’m feeling.”

Trey frowns. “What’s wrong with feeling?”

“I tend to not step into feelings. They don’t wash out easily.”

He nods slowly, letting that sink in, I guess. “And that’s your trouble with me too, isn’t it? I’m making you feel?”

I look away. I don’t even know how to have this conversation. “You probably think I’m a heartless old crone.”

His laugh rattles me. “Erin, you’re not heartless. And you sure as hell aren’t an old crone. Where the fuck do you come up with this stuff?”

“I’m older than you!”

“By three years. Slow down, Mrs. Robinson. Keep that coug’in to a minimum.”

My jaw drops. “My coug’in?”

“You don’t want to be a cougar?”

“I’m not that fucking old!” I squeal. “Damn, you just cut me deep.” I rub my chest like he hurt me.

“MILF then?”

“You’re the worst.”

“Tell me you know you’re a total MILF.”

“First, gross. Second…” I fold my arms and shrug sheepishly. “Maybe.”

Trey’s laughter booms around the room, and it zaps a little life back into me. I smile at him, wondering when this heaviness in my chest will ever ease up and go away. Blowing out a long breath, I turn somber again. “I think Glitch getting married has broken me a little.” There. I’ve confessed it. “Please don’t ever tell him that, okay?”

“My lips are sealed.” Trey makes an X over his heart. “But why?”

“I’ve depended on him for a long time. He and Ara are going to have a family of their own eventually, which I’m so excited for, but at the same time…” I trail off, letting reality sink in. “No… that’s not what’s tearing me up inside.” Glitch’s happiness will never make me feel the way I do right now. I’m nothing but happy for my brother. Raking my fingers through my hair, I embrace the weight of what’s really sitting on my chest. “I’m stuck, Trey.”

His voice is soft when he asks, “How so?”

“I never moved out of our parent’s house. I let it fall to pieces around me. I’ve lost my job. Beetle’s only at camp because I prepaid for all of it last summer since I could get a discount by paying in full and taking advantage of early registrations for most of them.” Now I’m rambling. And avoiding the real truth. “Glitch deserves all the happiness he can get. He had a rough time for so long, and I don’t think he’d have made it as far as he has without you.”

“He’d have been fine without me. He’s a fucking genius and an incredible man.”

“You helped him crack out of his shell. He became a completely different person, a happier person once you came into his life.”

Trey’s face tightens, but he doesn’t say a word.

“I had to pick up the pieces and hold us together for a long time. I’m so fucking proud of him and happy for all of Glitch’s accomplishments, but…”

“But you’re resentful that you didn’t get the same opportunities.”

My heart cracks in half when I nod. “I was going to go to the New York School of Interior Design. I’d been on a waitlist to get in and two days after our parents died, I got the letter saying I was in.”

“Damn, Erin. Glitch never told me that.”

“He doesn’t know.” I’ve kept a few secrets from my brother over the years, even though I never wanted him to keep any secrets from me. “I knew he’d beat himself up over it, so I tossed the letter in the trash along with my dreams. Then I got pregnant a couple years later, and I never even bothered to…” I cut off from saying anything more because Trey’s words from earlier are ringing true. “Oh my god.” My voice cracks. “You’re right. I have been in survival mode.”

I’ve been in it for so long, it doesn’t feel like survival at all. It feels like normal life.

Tears flow down my cheeks. “Why is this hitting me now?”

My life has been organized chaos for over a decade. Why am I suddenly realizing it for what it is?

“Change is hard, Erin. And it’s scary.” He grabs my hands, kissing my knuckles gently. “But all because fear sits on your shoulder doesn’t mean you can’t still walk the path towards the life you want.” He rubs circles on the back of my hands with his thumbs. “Change is scary. Glitch is starting a new part of his life, but that doesn’t mean he’s leaving you and Beetle behind.”

“I know that.” I cringe, confessing this next part. “I just wish I was him.”

Silence falls between us.

“I want his life.” Might as well keep spilling my guts out. “I want to have the courage to step away from my comfort zone and start new things. I want to get out of the house I’ve lived in my whole life. As much as I love it, I’m attached to it out of fear more than sentimentality. I’ve grown resentful about so much. And Glitch? Every time he brings up me moving, I get defensive because that’s what I do. I argue my reasons for the choices I’ve made, because getting mad is my go-to reaction.” I shake my head and shrink back a little. “I was angry at my parents when they died. How shitty is that? I was so scared and pissed off. Like they died on purpose and flushed my future down the drain.” Hugging myself, I look away from him and say, “I’m a shit person.”

“No, you’re not. You have every right to feel whatever you’re feeling. Even if it’s misplaced. Grief hits everyone different, Erin. And I don’t know anyone else who took on raising a teenager all by themselves and then had a baby and did it all over again from scratch. You’re incredible. Seriously, you’re the strongest person I know.”

“And the loneliest.” I lean back on the couch and sigh. “I’ll be even lonelier when Glitch and Ara marry and start the next chapter of their life. Maybe I should get that damn snake just so I have company.”

“You have Beetle.”

“Yeah, until he’s a rage-filled teenager who won’t even eat dinner with me because he’d rather be in his room with music blaring, playing video games. He’s already too cool for me half the time. I have no real friends. Everyone I grew up with moved on and I pushed the rest of them away. Hell, most everyone my age is just now doing what Glitch is—they’re getting married, having babies, and likely already have an established career. Me? I’m unemployed and living in a dump.”

“Your house is great, don’t knock it.”

“I don’t mean to. I’m just…”

“Needing a change and afraid to make one.”

I hate that he’s nailed it. “I don’t know what I want.”