SWNOVELS Flawed Heart: Chapter 27
It’s been two days since I left Zander in California and flew back to Atlanta. Two days and I’ve lost myself to the bubble of happiness that comes with new relationships. I say new relationship and Zander would say we’ve known each other forever. We have, but never like this. This time, he texts me first. He calls me to just check in. Zander roots for me when he knows I have something huge happening with my business and gives zero fucks about what social media reports about our connection. He only wishes he could set them straight with the fact that we’re dating. His words not mine. We’re dating. And it’s going well. I had flowers in my hotel room when I got to Atlanta. My room was upgraded to a larger suite with a jacuzzi tub. In two days, the world I’ve known has been tipped upside down.
I miss him.
I still love him.
I can’t tell him yet, though. Everything is still too new, and even though I’ve forgiven him, I still haven’t forgotten. I’m working on letting it go, the pain has lessened, and I am starting to trust him again. That’s progress, right? So why does it feel like I’m letting my past-self down by being with him?
I know what I have to do, and it’s killing me on the inside. Tabbi is right, though, the longer I let it go unsaid, the more it looks like it’s something I’m hiding. I’m pacing the room again when they finally knock.
“Hey,” I greet Becks and Spyder and move to let them in. Right away, they eye me, like they can see the sex I had on my skin. It’s unnerving how well they know me.
Becks sits in the chair and I take a seat on the small couch with Spyder. Both of them lean in, elbows on their knees, waiting for me, since I was the one who told them I needed to talk with them.
“This is a lot harder than I thought it would be,” I confess and feel my eyes start watering.
“Babe,” Spyder reaches for my hand, “just tell us. You’re freaking me out. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I wave him off, “no, no I’m not. I’m a mess. A wreck.” I blow out a breath, and the tears leak out. “I went to California. I saw Zander.”
“Was he a dickhead? Is that why you’re crying?” Spyder’s jaw hardens.
“No!” I place my hand on his arm. “I promise it’s nothing like that—”
“You slept with him,” Becks deadpans, his eyes intently on me. I meet his gaze across the room, preparing for the hatred and judgment, but all I see is concern.
I can’t find the words to say. I know how it sounds. I know people are going to question my sanity after the way he treated me when we were young, the pressure he put on me and the way he broke my heart. Spyder’s brow rises almost to his hairline.
“Oh shit! I mean, I figured eventually, but I didn’t realize it happened already.”
“What?”
Becks chuckles at the look of horror on my face. “You can’t hide things from us, babe.”
“Truthfully, we’ve known since the meeting. The guy looked devastated then like he was about to commit murder when we jumped on the call. He’s been after you since then, Mi. We’ve seen it. The flowers, the room, his taxi dropping him off in Boston. He even came to our show to win you over, so I’d say he has balls chasing you into your stomping grounds,” Spyder explains, and I feel my face heating.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
Spyder shrugs. “It was your story to tell, when you felt it was time. Only you can decide if he has a place in your life, Mia. We know he was shitty to you. We know he broke you. We saw you piece yourself together in New Zealand, but if he’s what you want and if he’s working his ass off to prove to you he’s changed, then that’s on you. We’ll be here for you, no matter what, love.” His words make me cry harder. My whole body shudders until he wraps his arms around me.
“I feel stupid, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like a mistake,” I confide into his shoulder, hiccupping.
“You aren’t stupid,” Spyder replies, his hand rubbing my back. I turn my watery glance to Becks. He won’t look at me, and I can see the way his hands are tensing. The fear I’d been holding onto bubbles to the surface.
“Becks?”
He moves out of the chair without a glance in my direction. His body is tight with tension as he leaves the room, the door slamming behind him. My world caves in.
“He just needs some time,” Spyder whispers to me, pulling my body back into his chest. I can’t move or think. Becks is just as much a part of me as Spyder. We always said no matter what, we would be friends, but was I too naive to think that could happen? My chest feels empty.
“I’m sorry,” I gasp between my sobs.
“Mia,” Spyder pulls my face off his shoulder and cradles my face, “You did nothing wrong. I don’t know all the details, but I know from you and Becks that things between you two weren’t serious. He’ll realize it soon, and you guys will be fine. We’re family first.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I confess, using my fingers to whip under my eyes, but Spyder still holds me.
“No one in love knows what they’re doing. You are not wrong for still loving him.”
I nod and Spyder wraps his arms around me again. He rubs my back in soothing circles until I’m spent from crying and my eyes are puffy. I finally found some peace though, now that the truth is out there. Spyder lets me go and I wipe under my eyes until the mascara is on my fingers.
“I need a mirror.” I laugh a little, and the tension in Spyder’s shoulders visibly drops.
“I’ll leave you to it. Oh, I almost forgot, the girls wanted to see you.” He scratches the back of his head and moves to the door.
“Girls?”
“Yeah, Jade and Ocean. They’ve been hanging out. We were supposed to let you know they wanted to talk.”
I nod, and he goes to leave again. “Will I be okay?”
“We’ll keep you in check, girl. We won’t let you get hurt,” Spyder reassures me. I needed to hear it again. I need them in my life. My past and my present are colliding. I’m not strong enough to walk away from Zander. He’s been fighting for me, trying to fix things between us and mend my heart. I don’t want to fight him back. I want to love him the way I was always meant to.
After washing my face and pulling myself together, I head to the room that Ocean has been sharing with Jade. I knock before swiping my key.
“Oh, hey,” Jade calls to me from the couch. I hear a blender go off and we’re drowned into silence from the noise.
“Sorry!” Ocean calls from the kitchenette area. “I told Jade she had to try one of my famous smoothies.”
Jade glances at me, and I shrug. I’ve never experienced an Ocean smoothie. I’m still learning who the girl is. Ocean walks over and hands one to Jade then one to me. I smell it discreetly and notice a hint of watermelon. Jade slams a drink of hers and doesn’t wince or spit it out. I hesitantly take a drink and am surprised. The refreshing watermelon and hint of lime eases the scratchiness of my throat.
“These are great for if you’ve been crying or have a cough.” Ocean watches me knowingly.
I will my cheeks not to turn red. I can’t believe they might have heard me or knew I was upset. “I’m sorry if you heard. I will keep things professional at all times, I promise.”
Ocean laughs. “You’re also human, Mia. You are allowed to cry just like any other woman.”
“We knew something was going to happen. Becks and Spyder were worried when they learned you took a different flight to California before heading here. I’m surprised they waited this long to talk to you.” Jade shrugs.
My eyes drop to the floor. Sure, these girls may be close to my age, but in essence, I work for them, and the last thing I need is them thinking I can’t do my job because of drama. “Someone from my past resurfaced and has made his intentions clear that he wants a relationship. I’ve known Spyder and Becks for years; they were just worried about me because I was struggling with how I felt. Everything is fine, though.”
Ocean eyes me with way more years of wisdom than she should have, given her age. “I can tell they care about you, it’s natural they might be concerned. I just don’t think they had any business making you upset over it. It’s your decision in the end. It’s your life.”
“I tried to tell them to leave it be and just support you. Onyx told me to mind my business.” Jade shrugs and looks at me apologetically.
I can’t help the smile that tugs at my lips. I barely know these girls; yet, their defense of me and my feelings is easing more of the worry I carry.
“Guys are dicks.” Ocean scoffs while Jade laughs.
“They think they know everything.”
“This room is the breath-of-fresh air I needed,” I reply, taking my smoothie and sitting in the chair. “Since I got here, everything has just sort of felt like a burden to please everyone.”
Ocean glances at Jade then at me. “I say we stick together. We may be outnumbered by dick, but we can stick together and have each other’s backs. Or will Onyx have an issue with that?” She slides a sly smile to Jade.
“He can fuck-off,” Jade huffs and drinks more of her smoothie.
“Are you dating?” Ocean keeps going, and I watch Jade struggle. She glances at me.
“There is no policy against it. As long as it’s what you want and it’s consensual, but don’t feel like you have to be with him for power.” I tick off my worries.
Jade shakes her head. “We’re not like that. It’s a messy story. I think he just feels guilty, so he’s taking me along on this ride. He’ll get tired of me fighting him soon.”
“Sounds like a good story.” Ocean giggles, even while she pats Jade’s arm in comfort.
“I’ll tell you about it someday. Now’s not about me, though.” Jade turns back to me.
“I’ll be fine. Becks and Spyder are family, and we’ll work it out.” I say the words, believing them deep down. I just don’t know how long it will take.
“And what about Zander Knight?” Ocean quirks her brow. “Oh, trust me, I know all the big players in the big circles in California and New York.”
I bite my lip, contemplating her question. What am I doing with Zander? Things are really good right now. All I’ve ever wanted was for him to want me, and he says he does. Two nights ago was the best night I’ve ever had. Making love with Zander felt right, it felt like home, it felt like love. Still, I can’t truly make myself believe it’s real. I’m scared to give my heart to him.
“When we’re together, I can believe him, that he wants me. But once we’re in our respective places…I get worried he’ll remember all the reasons he didn’t want to be with me when we were younger.” I let the truth slip out, giving these girls the same respect they gave me by trusting them.
We sit in silence, contemplating our situations. I keep Ocean’s reaction to Ezra close to my chest until she’s ready to share. I haven’t looked through all his files yet, but so far, what I have seen is exactly what Zander had already told me. My phone vibrates, and I jump.
Zander: Which room is yours?
My face flushes. I feel like I can’t breathe for a second, but a smile still plays on my lips.
“You may not be sure, but it seems like lover boy has staked his claim.” Ocean laughs.
“And he’s doing it all over the country,” Jade adds, with a knowing smile.
“I, ah, I have to go.” I stand and wave, while they giggle and cat-call me all the way to the door. It’s not mean or meant to hurt my feelings, though. They are genuinely happy for me. I can tell by the dreamy look on Ocean’s face.
Me: P4
I respond back and race down the hall, letting myself into my room. My heart is racing while I pace and try to focus on breathing. My stomach is a swirl of butterflies, and I feel like I’m standing on the edge, ready to fall for Zander again, even though my brain is screaming, warning, rocks below, at me. I can’t believe he’s here in Atlanta.
He knocks once on my door, and I race to answer it. Zander’s tie hangs loose, his jacket is unbuttoned and his pants look relaxed and wrinkled. His long, messy hair looks wild, like he ran his hands in it a few times. “What are you–”
I don’t get the rest of the words out before Zander is on me, his hands fisting in my hair, angling my head, so he has deeper access to my mouth. His lips move over mine, dominating, claiming, owning me. My hands fist his sides, holding on and trying to pull his body as close to mine as I can. There are too many layers between us, and I need them gone. I want to lie skin to skin, feeling his heartbeat under my palm, and watch his eyes grow hooded while he watches me fall apart.
“I need you,” he says against my lips, his breathing heavy.
My hands clutch him closer, and soon, I’m being spun with my back to the wall. His hands quickly find their way under my top and push it off over my head. My bra lands at my feet next and that’s when my brain and body catch up to what is going on. I grab for his tie and lift it over his head and start to unbutton his shirt. Zander growls his approval against my mouth while also commanding my legs to step out the pants I’m wearing. I get his pants open and my hand slides in, grabbing his dick and rubbing it hard and fast for him.
“God, you’re perfect.” He breaks away from my mouth, kissing my neck and my chest as far as he can bend with our height difference. My body arches off the wall, wanting him closer. His hands grip my waist hard and I’m lifted against him. My arms circle his neck, hanging on, while he lines up with my entrance. Zander lowers my body onto his, the stretch and fullness taking my breath away. Once our bodies are joined, he leans his forehead to mine and we’re both breathing raggedly.
I let my lips graze over his once, twice, before truly kissing him. He holds still while I do, setting my own pace. A flush spreads across my skin, and instinctively, my hips start to rock. Zander’s muscles tense, and with the way his arms grip my sides, I know I’ll have bruises tomorrow. He lets me slide up and down on him, creating my own pleasure and using his cock to hit the place inside I know will bring me to orgasm. A moan slides from my lips, and I open my eyes to find Zander staring at me intently. His jaw is locked, his cheeks flushed, and his eyes are hooded. His golden irises are swirling molten. Spurred on by that look and the hunger in his gaze, I start to move faster, tilting my hips and taking him deeper. Zander’s grip tightens more, while he pushes and pulls my body where he wants it.
“Oh, Zander.” His name falls off my lips so easily as I finally come undone. I can feel myself come all over him, my body tightening while my nails pierce his skin, holding on to him. I barely catch my breath when Zander starts rocking into me again, his thrusts slow but deep. He places open-mouth kisses across my shoulders, his teeth grazing against the skin.
“Did that feel good, baby?”
“Yes,” I respond quickly, my voice pitchy and desperate, even though I just came.
“I liked watching you work my cock like that. Taking what you wanted. Trusting me to give that to you.” He pushes my body up higher, and my back presses against the wall. I’m now at the perfect angle for my boobs to be level with his face. Zander takes one nipple into his mouth, sucking and swirling his tongue around the sensitive bud before moving onto the other one. I know I’ll have hickeys from where he played with the sensitive skin, but I don’t care. All the while, he keeps his thrusts slow until I’m wrapped around him, urging him to go faster. My fingers dive into his hair, getting tangled, but he doesn’t stop trying to drive me crazy.
“Please, Zan,” I pant into the room, needing him harder.
“I like when you beg me.” He groans against my skin.
“Zander,” I moan and feel his chest vibrate with laughter.
“Amelia.”
“Fuck me harder,” I demand and watch as his eyes practically glow with need and his lips twitch in a smirk.
Zander’s arms move under my legs, gripping me tightly to him. What I don’t expect, though, is when he pulls us away from the wall and carries me over to the bed.
“Wha–”
I don’t even finish my sentence before he’s flipping me over and sliding back inside. The feel and the stretch at this angle makes my toes curl and my chest comes off the sheets. He’s so big, so deep that the feeling borders on pain. A delicious pain. Zander thrusts deep and hard, hitting exactly where I need him to. Heat spreads over my body, and I scream his name.
“You didn’t really think I was stopping, did you, baby? Not when I made it all the way here, cleared my schedule, just so I can spend every waking moment with you for the next few days.” He rasps from above me, his hand tangling in my long hair. I can feel him winding it around his fist, and I whimper.
“Zander. Zander. Zander.”
“You feel so good, Amelia,” he leans down, placing kisses along my shoulder blades, “I missed you so much.”
Zander uses his grip on my hair to pull my head back. When he’s satisfied with the angle, his lips dip down to kiss me. We consume each other, breathing each other’s air. I can’t think about anything else, except how he makes me feel, how right this is, and how much I could really fall for him now that I have all of him. That thought scares me, hitting me right as my orgasm spirals inside me. Zander catches my release on his tongue and growls his appreciation right back so that I feel it in my toes. Zander follows right after me, his face buried in my neck, grunting and growling. His body trembles, and I can feel his cock pulsing inside me.
We both collapse on the bed, and Zander rolls, so I’m at his side. “Hey.” He smiles at me and I melt.
“Hi.” I smile back and run my hands through his hair.
“You get more beautiful every time I see you.” He leans in, and I shuffle closer to him.
“I still can’t believe you’re here,” I whisper.
Zander’s eyes roam over my face intently. “Amelia, I can’t be away from you anymore. I love talking to you every day, but I need to see you.”
“I missed you, too,” I tell him, and he smiles again.
“You have the next couple of days free, right? You said it’s just planning everyone’s schedules and recording time.”
I nod. “Yes. Are you going to stay with me?”
“You want me to?”
I nod and bite my lip. Everything has been a whirlwind, and I think spending time together, without things being so hectic, would be good for us.
Zander leans over to kiss me. As much as I want him again, I can see the dark smudges under his eyes. It was already getting late before he got here. He must be tired. I run my fingers through his hair, and eventually, his eyes close. Zander’s arm bands around my waist, holding me close to him, even in his sleep.