SWNOVELS First Down: Chapter 44
COOPER COMES into my bedroom without knocking, flopping himself on my bed. I suppress an eye roll.
“Hey,” he says, poking my thigh.
“Hey.” I don’t look up from my computer. “Didn’t we talk about knocking after that time you walked in on me and Bex?”
“It’s not like she’s around right now.”
That makes me look at him. “Seriously, man?”
“You’ve been moping for a week. Why haven’t you gone to talk to her?”
“Because she won’t listen.” I scrub my hand over my face. I’ve had this exact conversation with myself a million times since Atlanta, so repeating it with Cooper isn’t high on the list of things I want to do right now. “She said she wanted space, so I’m trying to give her space.”
He peers over at my computer. “Um, what the hell is that?”
I shove at his shoulder. “Stop being so fucking nosy.”
“A master’s program? To become a teacher?” He looks at me with emotion blazing in his blue eyes. “Tell me you’re not about to fucking do what I think you’re about to do.”
“If I have to pick, I’d pick her. So maybe instead of football, I can teach and coach somewhere around here. If she really wants to stick with the diner, I’d rather be there with her than off somewhere else alone. Playing football isn’t worth losing her. It just isn’t.”
Cooper starts shaking his head before I finish speaking. “No. Come on.” He shuts my computer and walks over to my closet, taking out my coat and tossing it at me. “Let’s go.”
“Go where?”
“Home.”
I scramble to my feet. “I’m not talking to Dad right now.”
“Maybe not, but you should talk to Mom.”
“What?”
“Let’s go talk to Mom.” He checks his phone. “If we leave now, we’ll get there in time for lunch. Come on. You’re not becoming a fucking teacher or working at a diner or whatever the fuck you think you’re going to be happy doing.”
Part of me—a big fucking part of me—wants to resist further, but I know Mom likes Bex. Maybe there’s something she can say that will help me get her back. And honestly, I miss her. I haven’t seen her since Atlanta.
“Fine. But I’m doing this because she always wants us to visit more.”
“Uh-huh. Whatever you say.”
We roll up to the house in time for lunch, just like Cooper predicted. Dad is actually away—a fact Cooper knew but neglected to mention, the ass—playing a charity golf tournament in Arizona, so it’s just Mom in the house. She opens the door with surprise written all over her face, pulling us into one gigantic hug, and ushers us to the kitchen.
“Do you want soup?” she says. “It feels like a soup kind of day. Shelley made these delicious little rolls, too.” She pats Cooper’s beard, tutting. “You should cut this, honey.”
“I’m a hockey player,” Cooper protests. “This is my natural state.”
“At least trim it.”
I raise an eyebrow when he turns to me for support. “You know how I feel about it.”
“You’re no help at all,” he grouses. “What kind of soup is it?”
A couple minutes later, we settle at the table with bowls of potato leek soup and sourdough rolls. Mom leans over and squeezes my forearm, a sympathetic set to her mouth. “How are you? How’s Bex?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “We haven’t spoken.”
She sighs as she leans back, busying herself with her soup. “I was afraid you’d say that. Do you know if she’s going to report that—pardon my language—scumbag?”
I suppress a smile as I take a sip of soup. “I don’t know. I hope she does. She wanted space, so I’ve been giving her space.”
“He’s not just giving her space,” Cooper interjects. “He’s moping in his room and researching how to become a math teacher.”
“Why?” Her eyes widen. “Oh, sweetie. No.”
I set down my spoon, looking her in the eyes. Of the three of her children, not one of us got her brown eyes, but hers remind me of Bex’s, just as warm and comforting. Fuck, a week and a half without her has been torture. “If this is what I need to do to keep her, then it’s what I’m going to do.”
“Did she ask you to stop playing?”
“No, but—”
“Then that’s not the answer.”
“Thank you,” Coop mutters into his soup.
“But I don’t know if I can do both.” Admitting this hurts, but I force myself through it. “I know Dad has always wanted me to just focus on football, but I love her, and I choose her. If I can’t be there for her when I need to be because of my job—if I can’t focus on both at once, or let myself get distracted when I’m supposed to be playing—”
“James,” she interrupts. “What do you remember about your childhood?”
“What?”
“What’s something you remember about growing up? Anything you can think of.”
I shake my head slightly as I think. “Um, going to the Outer Banks for vacation? That time we went fishing and cooked what we caught on the beach, when we made that bonfire?”
Cooper laughs. “Izzy was so grossed out by the fish.”
She smiles; remembering, probably, how Izzy took one look at it and declared that she was going to eat ice cream for dinner. “What else?”
“Practicing football with Dad? The Christmas the power went out and we all slept in the living room? The James Day we went go-karting?”
“That was awesome,” Cooper agrees.
“Why do you think these memories come up first?” Mom says.
I answer immediately; there’s no question about why. “They make me happy.”
“Yeah,” she says, her voice softer. “Those are all good memories, honey. Why do you think you thought of them instead of the times Dad was playing away games? Or when he had to go to training camp every August and we didn’t see him for a couple weeks? What about when he missed that big game of yours in ninth grade because he had to leave early to prepare for the wildcard game?”
“I barely remember that,” I admit.
“When I think about my marriage, I think about all the good memories first, too,” she says. “I think about all the wonderful moments I’ve gotten to share with your father. I don’t think about the times I was alone, or when I had to parent alone. I don’t think about the times he was away because he wasn’t, sweetie, not really. We made compromises for us to have a life together. I’m not saying it was easy, but looking back, I wouldn’t change anything.”
I blink hard, swallowing down a sudden rush of emotion. “But how? He always seemed to be able to put everything else out of his mind, and I can’t do that.”
“A lot of trust.” She rubs her finger over her wedding ring. “He knew that I supported him, and I expected him to put his work first when he needed to. When he was at work, he gave it his all, and when he was home, he gave that his all. You’re not going to be able to do everything, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll be able to sort out what’s important. You can focus on both. It’s not about one or the other, it’s about prioritizing.”
“But if she needs me—”
“She won’t be alone. She’ll have all of us. She’ll have other people in her life who are important to her. But until you let yourself focus fully on the game when that’s what you need to do, you’ll never be able to make it work.”
I’m quiet for a moment, letting her words sink in. It makes sense, but I’m pretty sure Dad never fucked up like I did. “I don’t want her to think she has to keep things from me, or not tell me when she’s struggling. I don’t want her to feel like she’s constantly coming in second.”
“The fact you know that is a good start,” she says. “But even if you do need to prioritize your job sometimes, that doesn’t mean she’s coming in second. What will playing football professionally give you? Beyond love for the game, because I’ve seen you play your whole life and I know you have that.”
There’s only one answer that comes to mind. “Money.”
“Stability,” she says, nodding. “Whenever things got hard between me and your father, I reminded myself that he was doing all he could to create a future for us, for our family. So that we could have all of this, long after he retired from playing.” She gestures around the room. “Don’t you want to take care of her? Think about how lucky you are to be able to do that while doing something you love. So many people don’t have that option.”
“I know you’re right,” I say. She is. The best way to take care of Bex—materially, at least—is to play football. “But she has the diner, and she’s committed to it. If she’s there and I’m across the country…”
“Talk to her about it,” she says. “You can figure something out. Compromise, honey.”
“Easier said than done.”
She rises from her chair and comes around the table to pat my cheek. “I never said it was easy. Just that you can do it.”