SWNOVELS Finn Rhodes Forever: Chapter 53
THE NEXT DAY, I sat on a blanket at the park, buried under a small mountain of stuffy toys. Cora babbled to me while she balanced each toy on top of me, and I reached over to adjust her hat. Hannah had been worried about her getting a sunburn when I picked her up an hour ago.
On wobbly legs, Cora picked up another stuffy and placed it on my chest.
“Thanks,” I told her.
She garbled something at me, grinning.
Damn, this kid was cute.
“Okay.” I watched as she reached down for another toy before putting it on my foot. “You need help?”
“Ellen,” she said, stooping to eat a goldfish cracker.
While Cora played, my mind wandered to the last family dinner. We had stayed up on the roof until the stars came out and we were yawning, and I swore, the way she looked at me, she had wanted to say it.
An impatient sliver of me wished she did say it. Why couldn’t she? It had felt so right with her there at dinner.
She had always been so stubborn, and now it felt like she was holding out for some reason.
Maybe she was waiting for me to fuck up again. My stomach sank at the thought.
“Ellen,” Cora squealed, clapping.
“Yeah, Ellen,” I repeated, frowning.
When my parents brought out the cake for Liv, emotion had risen in her eyes like she was going to cry. She felt it, too, I knew she did. If only she could summon the courage to tell me how she felt, instead of relying on me to read the signs.
This worry was like a sharp kernel in my chest, poking me. I’m yours, she had said when we were together at the ski lodge. I wanted her to be able to say it when she was half asleep. When we were out for dinner. At the grocery store.
After all of this, after most of the summer with me basically on my knees, begging her, she still couldn’t give an inch?
My phone buzzed and I glanced over.
My dissertation is booked the first week in September, she had texted.
I tapped out a response. That’s great.
Typing dots appeared on the screen before her message popped up. We should stay the weekend in Vancouver.
My forehead creased. Absolutely.
Would we be in the same spot then, with me waiting for her to catch up?
How’s it going with Cora?
I smiled and turned to take a selfie with her so we could send it to Liv.
My pulse stopped. Cora was gone.
“Cora,” I yelled, shoving the toys off me as I jumped to my feet. “Cora!” My voice boomed around the park, and people glanced over in concern. My heart raced, beating against my chest, blood rushing in my ears. My gaze whipped around the park as I searched for her.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. How could I have been so fucking stupid?
Where could she be? I heard a dog barking and turned. A quiet street bordered the park, and a row of cars were parked along the curb.
The road. My heart lodged in my throat and I took off at a sprint.
“Cora!” I yelled as I passed a parked van, scanning for her.
On the other side of the street, I spotted her as she tripped on the sidewalk. My stomach unwound. She was safe.
“Thank fuck,” I muttered, running toward her while she started wailing. “Hey, hey, hey,” I said as I picked her up, trying to calm her down. “It’s okay.”
In my arms, Cora screamed and writhed, flailing her arms.
“Ellen,” she sobbed, pointing over my shoulder, and I turned.
Jen Morgan stood there with her chocolate Lab, Evelyn.
Understanding came over me. Ellen. Evelyn.
I met Jen’s gaze and my stomach lurched again.
“Everything okay?” she asked as she approached. Her tone was dry and wary, like she knew it wasn’t.
“Yep,” I said tightly as Cora thrashed. I set her down on the sidewalk so she could pet the dog.
Jen watched, and my stomach plummeted even more. “She could have been hurt, Finn.”
My ears felt hot, and my pulse was still racing hard. The way Jen stared at me made me hate myself.
“I know.” I raked a hand through my hair. “I didn’t mean to—” I cut myself off. There was no excuse for what had happened. “I know.”
It didn’t help that she was what Olivia would look like in twenty years.
Behind her on the sidewalk, a few people gathered, watching. Someone who worked at Veena’s bakery, Liya who managed Hannah’s bookstore, and a guy I recognized from high school. They shot wary looks over at me, and it was clear they had seen Cora run across the street by herself.
My stomach knotted again and again. Right. Yeah. This was who I was. Finn, the fuck up. The reckless, thrill-seeking devil who couldn’t stay in one place for too long.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t escape it. I couldn’t shake it off. Here I was, trying to change but fighting a losing battle. It hadn’t worked. My eyes closed as I thought about what could have happened. Cora could have been hit by a car or a cyclist. She could have been seriously hurt, or worse. I imagined Wyatt and Hannah’s expressions, and my stomach turned with nausea.
I had really fucked this one up.
This was a sign. I should have stayed away the first time I learned this lesson. It was only a matter of time before Liv figured out the truth for herself.
“Finn?”
My head snapped up to meet Jen’s mistrusting eyes. “What?”
“Why don’t I take Cora home?” she asked. Her voice was neutral and strangely calm, like she was trying to keep me calm. “I’m going that way anyway.”
My thoughts spun as I raked my hand through my hair, trying to remember the details of everyone’s schedules. “Uh. They’re not home. It’s okay.” I shook my head, watching Cora laugh as the dog licked her hands. “I’ll take her to Hannah and Wyatt’s.”
Her gaze flicked to Cora. “You sure?”
“Yeah.” Frustration pitched in my chest. Again, I wondered how I could have been so stupid. Hannah was saying the other day how Cora was getting fast at walking. I crouched down to pick her up. “Come on. Time to go.”
While I was packing up and putting Cora in her stroller, I felt the gazes of half the park on me. My pulse still drummed in my ears, adrenaline coursing through my blood.
I didn’t like this kind of thrill.
I took Cora back to Wyatt and Hannah’s. She didn’t want to have a nap, so we played on the floor until she fell asleep with her toy in her hand, and I settled her into her crib. I sat there in her room, watching her sleep, thinking about how much I could have lost today because of my own carelessness.
I replayed it over and over, and then I thought about the future with Liv, with our kids.
How could she trust me once she heard about this?
WHEN HANNAH GOT HOME EARLY that evening, Cora was still sleeping. I made a quick excuse to leave and got out of there as soon as possible. I didn’t tell her what had happened—I didn’t know how to. I just said goodbye and hurried out the door.
Pulling up to my parking spot behind the bar, every instinct in my body screamed at me to run, get the hell out of there, away from the whispers and the gossip and the shame. I sprinted up the stairs to the apartments, ignoring the music and chatter from the bar. Ignoring the knowledge that Liv was there tonight, working. In my bedroom, I threw clothes into a bag before hurrying out and down the stairs, back to my car.
Liv was at the bottom of the stairs.
“Hey,” she said, brow creasing.
I froze. “Hi.” My chest ached. I wanted to tell her what had happened, but if I did, she’d see me the way Jen did, and I couldn’t bear it.
I couldn’t be around when she realized what a piece of shit I was.
Her gaze dropped to my bag and something dimmed in her eyes. “Where are you going?”
“I don’t know.” I swallowed with difficulty, unable to tear my gaze from her. I felt stripped bare, like she could see all of me, all the bad parts I had tried to hide from her this summer. “I need to think for a bit.”
Her brows snapped together and anger flashed in her gaze. We stood there a moment, staring at each other as noise from the bar traveled down the hall.
She lifted an eyebrow. “Are we done?”
Her eyes were so cold, like this summer had never happened. Like I was a stranger.
“No,” I rushed out, shaking my head and wincing. “I—” I rubbed my chest, where anguish and frustration stabbed. “I need to get my head on straight.”
She shrugged like she didn’t care. “So go.”
Without a word, she turned and headed back to the bar, and my heart dropped through my stomach.