SWNOVELS Finding You: Chapter 33
I realized she had been avoiding me, so for three days, I intentionally changed my routine—got a haircut, ate dinner out every night, went grocery shopping in the middle of the week—anything I could think of that would reward me with a glimpse of Joanna. When I saw the sweep of her hair and her long legs step into the coffee shop, I immediately crossed the street, slowed my pace, and tried to time her exit.
“Joanna,” I growled when she crashed into me. I tried to hide the hitch in my throat, and my words came out more aggressively than I intended.
Her eyes went wide, and her cute, pouty mouth dropped open in a little O. I stared at it and licked my lips.
You feel so good in my arms. I’m sorry. I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I was starved for her, but I pushed down the thoughts that came erupting to the surface. Freeing Joanna was the only way she could lead a happy life.
When she recovered, Joanna blinked and moved her shoulder, unwinding herself from my embrace. “Hello,” she said. Her voice was aloof.
When she moved to walk past me, I stepped left, blocking her path. Her eyes met mine again, but this time, surprise was replaced with fire.
There’s my warrior. My heart galloped in my chest.
“What are you doing, Lincoln?”
My brow furrowed. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.
On a frustrated sigh, she shifted to move past me again. “If you have nothing to say to me, I need to go.”
This time I let her pass, my legs rooted to the ground. I wanted to tell her everything—that I fucked up, that I loved her, that I wanted to marry her, have babies with her, and do anything in my power to make her happy—but I froze. She deserved so much more than I could ever be for her.
She took several quick steps away from me before turning over her shoulder, her eyes glittering with unshed tears that ripped my heart out. “Please stop leaving things at the cottage.”
As she turned away, the distance between us expanded as I watched my soul walk away from me.
And then, only two days after seeing her, she was gone from my life.
“You are a fucking trip, man.” Finn shook his head and plopped his frame down on the barstool as I scowled at the beer I’d been nursing.
He slapped a hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged him off with a grunt.
Taking a deep pull of his beer, he eyed me carefully. “I’m serious, man. You did this to yourself, you know.”
“You don’t think I know that?” I spat the words in his direction.
“Oh, I know you know. But it’s my job as your brother, and her friend, to make sure you know what a dumbass you are.”
I grimaced and drank another long gulp.
After accidentally-on-purpose running into Joanna outside of the coffee shop, I spiraled deeper into chaos. My nightmares were unrelenting—every night I woke up sweating and shaking. Being at home was no longer a comfort. Everything reminded me of her, and I was always on the razor’s edge of a panic attack.
Distracting myself was the only way I knew how to deal with feeling like total dog shit. So tonight, it was listening to Colin and the house band, having a few beers. Trying to forget about letters and what-ifs and complicated feelings.
“All right, well, if you’re going to pull the whole ‘mopey zoo lion’ thing, I’m going to need another drink.” Finn signaled to our server for another round.
“I’m not moping,” I lied.
“The fuck you aren’t,” he scoffed. “Look at yourself.” Finn gestured toward me with disgust.
I really didn’t want to be talking to Finn about this. I knew he cared about her, and him knowing the depths of my love for Joanna would only create a bigger mess of the steaming pile of shit that was my life.
“Look, she’s—”
I cut him off. “I don’t want to know a damn thing about her. Do you understand?” I pinned him with a stare, ice running through my veins. But after a beat, I couldn’t help myself. “Just tell me…is she okay?”
The throbbing in my temples was unbearable as Finn looked at me with a mixture of disgust and pity. “You know what I think you see when you look in the mirror, Linc?”
Jesus, here we go. I stared ahead.
“I think all you see is a dark, resounding loneliness stretched out ahead of you,” Finn said.
The hammer of truth in his words caused a buzzing in my ears. “What’s your point?” The band switched to an upbeat song, and my legs twitched to escape.
“My point is, brother, you’re fucking wrong.”
I shook my head at Finn and the words tumbled out of me. “You couldn’t understand. I stole her from under you. Do you realize that? What kind of man does that to his little brother? What kind of man almost kills someone with his bare hands because he can’t control himself? Is that the kind of man Joanna deserves?” My voice amplified with every question, earning wary glances from the tables next to us.
“Is that what this is?!” Disbelief laced through Finn’s voice. A short laugh burst from his chest. “Lincoln, you did not steal her from me.”
“I knew that you had feelings for her before I made a move. It’s inexcusable and I—”
“What the fuck, dude? I’m gay.” Finn flipped his arm up in my direction, and the table next to us turned, slack-jawed and all too eager to listen in. “You’ve got your head so far up your own ass that you don’t even see what’s right in front of you!”
I was stunned into silence by Finn’s admission.
Finn is gay? What? Oh, shit, Finn is gay.
Without missing a beat, he barreled on. “You thinking that I had some claim on her is just an excuse. An excuse to punish yourself for feeling anything real. For believing that you’re unworthy of love.”
I steadied myself and stared at my beer bottle. “I couldn’t stand to see her throw her life away. She deserves so much more than I could ever give her.”
“Also bullshit.”
“Finn, this is…a lot.” I exhaled, but it did nothing to ease the tension in my back.
“Yeah, well, this isn’t exactly how I planned to tell you, but you gave me no choice. I had to say something before you went nuclear.”
“I mean . . .” I fumbled for the right words. I couldn’t care less that Finn was gay, but I was also completely surprised. My mind flipped back to all of the unrequited flirting from the girls in town and him dodging conversations about girlfriends. How long had my brother been keeping this part of himself hidden because of me?
Fresh shame washed over me.
“Finn.” I looked at my baby brother. He was good and strong and kind. His love was more than I deserved. “I’m sorry you couldn’t tell me sooner.”
“Ah, man. Take it easy on yourself. If it makes you feel any better, I think most people kinda know. I just don’t make a big deal about it, ya know?” He shrugged his broad shoulders and smiled into the sip of his beer. “Mom knows. Dad did too. I asked Jo not to tell you before you two hooked up.”
“She kept your secret,” I said. A warm glow formed around the thought. Joanna knew how important it was for Finn to talk to me himself, and despite the long talks and late nights whispering secrets to each other in the dark, she had kept Finn’s secret safe.
I will never love another woman.
In that moment, I looked down at the torn Valkyrie wings tattooed on my forearm, and I knew I would spend the rest of my life missing that girl.
“So you actually did it.” Old man Bailey had a knack for sneaking up behind you if you weren’t careful, reminding me that even though I was a highly trained Marine, so was he.
“Did what, exactly?” I asked as I nailed a sagging shutter against the Big House.
“You chose to be an asshole rather than face reality,” he said simply.
“Reality?” I spoke around the nail I was holding between my lips.
“You’re in love with that girl and she loves you. But you’re too chickenshit to admit that you can have more than what you’ve allowed yourself. More than living in some rundown cottage, taking care of a crabby bastard like me.”
“You don’t need taking care of.” His words burned in my gut, and I couldn’t meet his stare.
“Hah. We both know that’s bullshit. If it weren’t for you, I would have died in a pile of rubble when this house finally came down around me.” He had a firm grip on a porch post and gave it a firm shake. When he paused, I glanced at him and saw his eyes soften. “Also kept me from dying of loneliness too, son.”
My hammer paused, and I sagged against the building at his words. This man had taken me in when I was too scared and confused and hotheaded to function in my mother’s home. In those days, I’d tried to drown out the nightmares and memories with booze and women. He gave me a safe place to go crazy and helped me come out on the other side of it. Taking care of him gave me a sense of purpose and direction. I hadn’t realized what he was getting out of the deal too.
“Looks like you’ve got some thinking to do.” He nodded toward Cottage Two. “But if you’re so over her, go clean it out then.” He nodded again toward Joanna’s cottage and walked back into the Big House.
It took another four days for me to grow the balls to walk into her cottage. Gooseflesh rippled down my arms as I pushed the door open and her citrus scent assaulted my senses. It knocked me back. I gritted my teeth through a swift intake of breath and pushed my way into the empty space.
Every trace that Joanna had occupied the cottage was gone.
My heartbeat stuttered at the thought. All of the little jars that held wildflowers or cattails were scrubbed and tucked away in the cabinets. The bed was stripped, and the sheets were washed and neatly folded at the foot of the mattress. My eyelids burned, and I pressed my fingers into them.
I felt her absence in this space, and it made me want to burn it all down around me. Nothing in my life felt right without her in it.
I moved toward the door; I couldn’t deal with the echoing drumming in my head. As I passed an end table by the couch, a small frame caught my eye.
It was a printed-out photograph of the selfie I had taken and sent to her sister. In the photo, my girl was sweetly tucked under my arm. I was grinning like an idiot—I think I loved her even then—and she was looking up at me. I barely recognized the carefree, happy man in the picture. For the first time, I looked at Joanna in the picture, looking up at me with her bright eyes.
She loved you too.
A tightness curled under my ribs. I had fallen in love with Joanna, and she loved me back. She loved me. Joanna never cared that I was broken or that sometimes I needed my space. She loved all of me and I had pushed her away—not because I was protecting her, but because I was protecting myself.
A frenetic energy buzzed underneath my skin.
Do the right thing for the right reasons.
I wanted it all back—I had to find a way to fix this.